A Play for Radio

FROM EDEN

A PLAY FOR RADIO

BY

STEPHEN JONES

Directed by

Gorretti Slavin

From Eden by Stephen Jones ______1_

SCENE 1:

FX: New Year’s Eve. muffled music from party off

Heavy breaths

Door opens into bathroom

 She locks the door behind her

1 Eva:Oh. Hiya.

2 Alan:Hey. How’s it going?

3 Eva:Sorry.

4 Alan:No you’re grand. I wasn’tdoin... I’m not doin’ anything. Sorry, I’ll get out of yourway.

5 Eva:No you’re grand. I don’t need to use the toilet or anythin’.You in here on yourown like? No, I mean obviously you’re in here on your own, but you’realrigh’ like yeah?

6 Alan:Yeah grand. Thanks. Just… chillin’. Chillin’ out for a minute. Drinking mewine

7 Eva:Ya didn’t lock the door.

8Alan:I… forgot.

9Eva:Right. Cool.

10Alan:Are you?

11Eva:Wha’?

12Alan:Alright. Ya seem a bit...

13Eva:Yeah just, ya know... all the people-

14Alan:People yeah. Needed a few minutes just to get away from them.

15 Eva:Yeah. I had to. - have me vodka and sprite like.

16Alan:Oh, no I meant me-

17Eva:Oh I thought ya meant-

18Alan:Aswell. Yeah,no. Me too.Cos it’s a mad downstairs.

1Eva:Ya don’t mind me... bein’ here or anythin’ do ya? Just for a minute like.

2Alan:No, no, not at all. Eh, work away.

3Eva:Thanks.

4Alan:Listen are ya sure ya don’t want me to-

5Eva:No. Sure you were here first-

6Alan:Cos honestly, it’s no problem.-

7Eva:No honestly. You do what you were doin’. Unless youwere doin’-

8Alan:No no. I really was just sittin’ there. The toilet doesn’t even work yet. We’re meant to use the bathroom downstairs so-

9Eva:Yeah-

10Alan:This is supposed to be off limits while they’re renovating but...-

11Eva:Rulebreakers wha’?

12Alan:Yeah. This is it. You enjoying your night so far?

13Eva:It’s grand like. New Year’s isn’t really my thing anyway to be honest with ya.

14Alan:Yeah I’m not mad on it myself.

15Eva:Gets me down or somethin’ it does. D’ya know that sorta way?

16 Alan:It’s a lotta fuss for one night really so.

17Eva:Everyone else seems so fuckin’ happy about it.

18 Alan:Yeah… well not me. I hate it now I have to say.

19 Eva:Ya hate it do ya?

7 Alan:Absolutely. I don’t just dislike it. I hate it.

8 Eva:D’ya know wha’? I fuckin’ hate it as well.

9 Alan:There we go.

20 Eva:D’ya know wha’? You’re alrigh’!

1 Alan:Thanks very much.

2 Eva:You can stay! I like you!

[FX: sounds of drink being poured

3 Eva:Well?

4 Alan:What?

5 Eva:Cheers me.

6 Alan:Oh. Sorry. Ah, to you.

7 Eva:No I didn’t mean ya had to actually cheers to me like-

8 Alan:Oh righ’ I getcha-

9 Eva:Ya fuckin’ nut.

10 Alan:Cheers in general.

11 Eva:Cheers.

12 Alan:Yep.

13 Alan and Eva:Cheers.

14 Eva: With your little hair and all.

15 Alan:Me hair? Yeah suppose I have the aul’ Fisher Price man look going on.Right, well... I'll leave you to it so.

[FX: ALAN heads for the door].

16 Eva:Ya can't!

17 Alan:Sorry?

18 Eva:Ya can't go down now.

19 Alan:Eh why?

20 Eva:Not that ya can't. Obviously ya can but... will ya just stay here with me for asec? Just while I have a smoke. For the company like.

21 Alan:Have you just locked me in?

1Eva:Yeah.So you've no choice but to stay and have a chat with me.

2Alan:No it’s just that I don't think they want anyone smoking up here-

3Eva:It’s grand, it’s just one of these electric cigarettes. Look, here ya can go if yawant but I'm askin' ya. Please. Stall itwith me for a bit.

4Alan:Sure why not.

[FX: ALAN sits down. EVA does the same chair scrapes].

5Eva:Thanks.

6Alan:But eh... I'm not much of a conversationalist or anything.

7 Eva:Ah you're grand like, you'll do.That's it. Get the wine into ya.

SCENE 2:

1 Alan:Your e-cigarettethingy looks like, d’ya remember the film Men in Black? Theflashy thing that’d wipe your memory?

2 Eva:Oh yeah.

[FX: EVA pretends to zap him with her e-cigarette].

3 Eva:Organised fun, that’s wha’ it is.

4 Alan:Pardon?

5 Eva:It’s not so much New Year’s ya know, pacificallythat I hate-

6 Alan:-Specifically.-

7 Eva:-Wha’?-

8 Alan:-Specifically.

9 Eva:Yeah. Why wha’ did I say?

10 Alan:Pacifically.

11 Eva:Pacifically?

12 Alan:Yeah. Pacifically. Like the ocean. Pacifically.

13 Eva:Oh righ’. You’re one a them are ya? I take it back. I don’t like ya anymore, yacan go.

14 Alan:Well I would but you locked me in.

15 Eva:Yeah well… lucky for you then wha’?

16 Alan:Sorry, you were saying?

17 Eva:It’s not so much New Years, ya know, specifically that I hate righ’? Happy now?Fuckin’grammar police. Wha’ was I sayin’?I lost me train (of thought)…-

18 Alan:-Organised.

1 Eva:Anythin’ that’s organised fun ya know? Where you’re meant to have yaknow…

2 Alan and Eva:Fun! Yeah!

3 Eva: That’s wha’ I hate. ‘Cept Paddy’s Day. I loooove Paddy’s Day now Ihave to say. And Christmas Like, don’t get me wrong now, I don’t mind ya know a person’s bedroom being organised or ya know... their life being organised or somethin’. If I’m talkin’ too much ya can just tell me to shut up, ‘cos I’ll just waffle on like-

4 Alan:No, you’re grand. I’m listenin’ to ya.

5 Eva:Are ya yeah?

6 Alan:Yeah. Eh, people’s tax returns, no harm in them being organised, I know I like to keep my underwear and sock drawer very organised now.

7 Eva:Hah hah hah you’re fuckin’ gas. Although, on a serious note yeah?Not bein’funny like, I definitely need to get meself more organised. Me life like,d’ya know wha’ I mean? It’s just like… D’ya know wha’ I mean?

8 Alan:I know what ya mean.

9 Eva:D’ya know wha’ I mean?

10 Alan:I know what you mean. You should get one of those signs… like, have you seen ‘Taxi Driver’?

11 Eva:No.

12 Alan:Oh-

13 Eva:-Me Da’s a taxi driver if that counts?

14 Alan:-No, not really.

15 Eva:Oh. Sorry, go on.

1 Alan:No. Just in the movie, DeNiro says to Cybill Shepherd, you should get one ofthose sign that says ‘One of these days I’m gonna get organizised’.

2 Eva:She’s trynna get organised is she?

3 Alan:Exactly.

4 Eva:I’m rippin’ the piss.

5 Alan:Ah.

6 Eva:And what’s he doin’?

7 Alan:Whatcha mean?

8 Eva:Is he tryin’ to chat her up is he?

9 Alan:Yeah he is yeah.

10 Eva:Are you tryin’ to chat me up are ya?

11 Alan:No, God no, not at all!

12 Eva:Alrigh’. Fuckin' blunt. I was only messin' with ya anyway.

13 Alan:Sorry.

14 Eva:You're grand. (A BEAT)One of these days… wha’ is it?

15 Alan:I’m gonna get organizised.(A BEAT)Do ya know what I could do with?

16 Eva:G’wan.

17 Alan:Ah.

18 Eva:Wha'?

19 Alan:Ah nothing.

SCENE 3:

1 Eva:G'wan will ya?

2 Alan:I was gonna say that I could do with having a bit more fun in my life.

3 Eva:Why? Borin’ are ya?Yeah, well eh, maybe we should gettogether and have some, ya know, organised fun. Oh God, I’m such adickhead.Me ex, Richard his name is... That’s the kind of stupid joke mystupid ex Richard would make... I have an ex, Richard, he’s a fuckin’muppet and ugh...

4 Alan:You have an ex do ya?

5 Eva:Yeah.

6 Alan:His name is…?Oh Richard yeah. Just checking.

7 Eva:D’ya think you’re funny do ya?

8 Alan:I was only joking though... you know, incase it’s still fresh or something.

9 Eva:Yeah well he’s a dick; that’s all ya need to know about him.

10 Alan:Literally.

11 Eva:Yeah ya can fuckin’ say tha’ again.

12 Alan:Hmm?

13 Eva:I said ya can fuckin' say tha' again.

14 Alan:No because-

15 Eva:Wha’?

16 Alan:Richard isDick.

1 Eva:Correct. A fuckin’ massive one!!(BEAT)One thing I do like about NewYear’s though. I like the resolution part. I like the idea of it. Ya know,ifsomeone’s had a bad year or somethin'. Now, I’m not talkin’ bout theshitty ones now mind you. Ya know the stupid ones people say.

2 Alan:What like losin’ weight an’ stuff?

3 Eva:Yeah. (BEAT)Tha' was gonna be your one for tonigh' wasn't it?

4 Alan:Well it was.

5 Eva:Yeah well, sorry about ya an’ all but it’s a stupid resolution.

6 Alan:I probably wouldn’t stick to it anyway.

7 Eva:Your resolution should be to have more fun in your life, like youwere sayin’. Or stop bein’ a little smart arse corrector of peoples grammar.Smokin’. I’ve wasted about 6 resolutions over the years on smokin’. SaidI’d give up loads a times but... it’s good for keepin’ weight off though, I tell yathat much. I actually need to lose weight meself I do.

8 Alan:No ya don’t.

9 Eva:I do. Well I did, was plannin' to for the weddin’ but... fuck it...

10 Alan:Ah, God, sorry, where you meant to get married to whats-his-name?

11 Eva:Wha'? No. Thingys. Tom and Lauren's.

12 Alan:Oh right. Yeah. Well ya really don’t anyway. Need to lose weight I mean. You’re just doin’ that thing that skinny people do.

13 Eva:Well I'm hardly fuckin' skinny now am I?

14 Alan:Yeah well, you're definitely not anorexic or anything but like, you're, ya know, you’re… put togetherquite...-

1 Eva:-Oooooh…You like the way I’m put togetharrr.-

2 Alan:-No, no. You’re in good shape is all I meant.

3 Eva:Ahhhh. And ya know, you’re alrigh’ lookin’, shape wise so... it really wouldbe a waste of a resolution, if ya went withthat one.

4 Alan:I’ll go with the fun one so

5 Eva:Ya probably wanna go back down and enjoy yourself do ya?

6 Alan:No actually. Honestly... If you don’t mind I'd rather stay hidden away for it. The countdown bit anyway. All that (auld lange syne) stuff. I can’t stand it.

7 Eva:Countdown me bollocks wha’?

8 Alan:Sorry, look, I’m Alan by the way.

9 Eva:Oh sorry. God. I’m Eva.

SCENE 4:

1 Alan:Nice to meet you.

2 Eva:You too. Alan? Alan? Are you Alan?

3 Alan:I’ll just check me wallet.

4 Eva:Shut up!

[FX: EVA slaps ALAN on the shoulder].

5 Alan:Alright. Aggressive.

6 Eva:You’re Alan!

7 Alan:Do you have a thing about sayin’ people’s names lots of times or something?

8 Eva:No like, Alan, as in Tom’s Alan?

9 Alan:Tom’s Alan. Yeah.

10 Eva:No way. That’s mad. God, small world.

11 Alan:Well... he is hostin’ the party so.

12 Eva:Yeah obviously but like, I’m Lauren’s mate. I was gonna be one of her bridesmaids. You’re Tom’s brother. Yas look alike now tha’ ya say it. You were...? Are ya alright like?

13 Alan:Yeah I’m grand.

14 Eva:No ‘cos… Well you were missing weren’t ya?

15 Alan:Yeah. I was missing.

16 Eva:And eh… Where were ya like? Ya don't mind me askin' do ya?

17 Alan:Well, at least you’re asking. Everybody else, they’ve been tip-toeing around me downstairs all night.No look I wasn't missing... as such. Tom and my Dad... that's just what they told people.

1 Eva:So you weren't missing?

2 Alan:It's not that straight forward, ya know… It's...-

3 Eva:-Ah c’mon, ya can tell me, sure we’re bathroom buddies now.

4 Alan:No look, I wasn't missing... I was away for four years but I wasn't what you’dcall a 'missing person'.

5 Eva:But Tom and your Da said ya were?

6 Alan:Yeah.

7 Eva:No, come on. Boring me hole. Out with it.

8 Alan:Out with what?

9 Eva:What’s wrong with ya?

10 Alan:Sorry, what’s wrong with me?

11 Eva:Yeah, like not wrong, but what’s the story with ya?Ya don’t seem weird oranything like.

12 Alan:Ah. Tom said I was weird did he?

13 Eva:No he didn’t say anything about ya. It’s what he didn’t say. I mean you weremissing... But ya weren't yeah?

14 Alan:Look, they knew what I was doing, they just didn't know where I was. And it's not something they wanted to talk about. So, telling people I was missing, that sorta covered it.

15 Eva:So…What’s the fuckin’ story with ya then? Oh, is it a big dark secret?

16 Alan:No, it isn’t a secret.

17 Eva:‘Well you’re actin’ like it is. Go on, I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

18 Alan:Cos you have a big dark secret do ya?

19 Eva:Well everyone does don’t they like, at the end of the day like?

SCENE 5:

1 Alan:What did Tom actually say about me… just…?

2 Eva:Nothin’.

3 Alan:Alright.

4 Eva: No, ya see wha’ happened was me and this guyended wha’ we had andI was kinda in a mad place or whatever, as ya do be and I hadn’t been around in a while and I came by to see Lauren…and Tom came in and I said to him half jokin like ‘What’s the story with any nice mates for me now that I’m free and single?’ And he was like ‘Ah sure ya know all the lads already like’ and Lauren starts breakin’ her gick laughin’ and goes ‘What about your brother Alan now that he’s back?’ and I was like ‘Yeah Tom, what’s the story with him?’ Like half rippin’ the piss but he was like shakin’ his head and bein’ all like ‘Leave it.’ All serious like. So I was like ‘Well if he’s your brother Tom, he’d be perfect for me. What’s the story with him?’ And he was like ‘It’s not even funny, just drop it Eva yeah.’

5 Alan:And Lauren, she didn’t say anything or?

6 Eva:All she’s interested in talkin’ about is her weddin’ Are yagay or somethin’? ‘Cos, it’s alrigh’ if ya are. People are allowed to be gay nowadays ya know. They voted on it.

7 Alan:No… I’m not gay.

8Eva:No...You’re not just... after gettin’ out are ya? Fuck. Off.

9 Alan:Ya got me.

10Eva:Fuck off. Ya were locked up were ya?

11Alan:Locked up I was yeah.

1 Eva:No fuckin’ way. Ya were not were ya?

2 Alan:I was yeah. The four year I was away. Did four year I did.

3 Eva:Ya did not.

4 Alan:Serious.

5 Eva:Did ya?Where?

6 Alan:In the Joy.

7 Eva:Ya did not.

8 Alan:True as God.

9 Eva:For wha’?

10 Alan:Ah sure.

11 Eva:No go on, wha’?

12 Alan:Ya know yourself.

13 Eva:Tell us.

14 Alan:Birra this... birra tha’.

15 Eva:You were not fuckin’ locked up in the Joy! Makin’ a bleedin’ thick ou’a me.

16 Alan:Did ya like the way I said four year instead of four years?

17 Eva: Wha?

18 Alan:Nothing. Look I was... It’s not a big deal.

19 Eva:Then just tell me.

20 Alan:Do ya really want to know?

21 Eva:Yes!

22 Alan:I was away...-

23 Eva:I know tha'...-

24Alan:Becoming a priest.

25 Eva:Shut the front door! Are you messin’?

26 Alan:But that’s not what’s… What?

1 Eva:You’re a priest?

2 Alan:It's complicated.

3 Eva:And how long have ya been a priest for?

4 Alan:It's not what ya think.

5 Eva:And wha’ like... Are you actually bein’ serious now? So why the big secret?You’re a priest. There’s loads of priests out there.

6 Alan:Look it’s just myself and Tom are only back speaking to each other after a long time, ya know, not… Anyway at the moment I’ve sorta stepped away from it like.

7 Eva:Oh. So you’re sort of on a break like? That’s gas. You and God. You and Jesus. Yissir on a break. You an’ Baby Jesus are like Ross and Rachel. Like, I hafta say it is a little bit weird like but… fair play to ya. There musn’t be many young-ish priests goin’ around these days so like fair balls to ya, ya know.

8 Alan:(Can you pass me my wine please). Thanks.

9 Eva:And wha’ did ya have to do? Go to priest college for it or wha’?

10 Alan:Not really-

11 Eva:-And how many of yas was there ? Probably just you by yourself on your tobler, bein’ all holy and all. No I’m interested like. Genuinely. I mean, why are you an’ himself on a break, if ya don’t mind me askin’?

12 Alan:Ah look it’s…-

13 Eva:-Complicated. That’s wha’ ya were gonna say wasn’t it? Ahhere now! You’re not, on a break ‘cos you’re in trouble are ya? Imean, you’re not a fuckin’ funny priest or anythin’ like that are ya?

14 Alan:What? Do you mean? Like-

1Eva:-A paedo like. You’re not-You’re not into kids or anythin’ are ya?

2Alan:No, no, I thought that’s what you meant, no, nothin’ like that, at all.

3Eva:Righ’. Well… that’s alrigh’ then.

4Alan:I am not into kids.

5Eva:Righ’.

6Alan:Except really sexy ones.

7Eva:Ah here-

8Alan:-I’m jokin’, I’m jokin’-

9Eva:-Inappropriate like.Jesus Christ!

10Alan:Sorry. God forgive me. Honestly I was only joking ..

11Eva:Like I mean for all you know I cudda been a victim of… ya know?-

12Alan:-I know-

13Eva:-You don’t know!I wasn’t now, I mean I'm not or anythin’ but still.

14Alan:Point taken. You’re right. Not somethin’ to joke about.

15Eva:-Agh, you’re definitely your brother’s brother anyway. Stupid fuckin’ jokes. And you a priest. Jesus Christ.

16Alan:Sorry. I was just joking.Honestly.It’s the wine.

17Eva:Your wine. Did ya stroke it from your tabernacle?

[FX: EVA cracks up laughing].

SCENE 6:

1 Eva:A fuckin’ priest. Ah here, ya didn’t break your, ya know, your vow and getsomeone knocked up or something like that did ya?

2Alan:Look it’s just a personal thing. Just me and where I’m at. That’s all.

3Eva:Did ya always want to be a priest?

4Alan:It's really not what you think.

5Eva:Were ya like an altar boy who was like ‘that’s gonna be me up there one day,givin’ it socks on a Sunday’?

6Alan:No. My Mam was the only one who went to Mass anyway. I stoppedgoin’ when I was about twelve. She was sick of us complaining about it.