A day to dream
C
Dreams to me have always been enjoyable. I liked daydreaming as a kid in school and thinking about what I was going to do on the weekend or what I was going to be when I grew up. I still enjoy drifting off in daydreams. Sometimes I find myself having full conversations with myself, moving my mouth and speaking to whomever I have imagined. In my college days I experienced my first breakdown of relationship that mattered to me. I felt real hurt and I found myself driving and having imaginative conversations with this person. By the time I would come to, that person had done twice as many things as they had done before I zoned. I read a verse during that time that talked about casting down false imaginations. I had never thought of it before. I was actually creating false scenarios that eventually I would believe. I don’t want to imagine false, unreal things. I want to dream of outlandish possibilities.
God is at work in our broken world and He is at work in the church. In both scenarios He is dreaming and working toward unbelievable things right here on earth. The bible says when we are dreaming and asking God for the things he is already after, it is fail proof. God wants to give us and perform through us the things he already wants. So you can see the way He can use our dreams, vision and even our imagination. He can literally set His work and dreams in our hearts and we can actually be going for the dream’s of God. The most brilliant thing about this is that God can do even more than what we are asking and imagining. He can do immeasurably more. Honestly this feels real ambiguous, a bit over-spiritualized, and doused with potential let down. But I think this is because we are used to mixing our dreams with God’s dreams. What we want is not always what He wants and we have to see His ways are not like ours. He does things paradoxical to the way we think and at slower paces sometimes. We imagine ourselves in the center of the dream and people looking at us saying, “wow, look at them performing the mysteries of God.” God sees the dream of his powerful work being performed and we may be seen or simply catalysts of it, but God will be the one that gets the attention.
I think about my life, and I dream about God doing great things on the earth through me. One of the ways I set this in motion is to love and believe in other people, stirring up their gifts. I feel like that is a simple step to a big God size dream. A hard-core thought though is dreaming and praying for something and out of the blue it is happening through someone else or somewhere else. You feel a bit bummed that it isn’t happening through you specifically, but how amazing is it that it is happening, and your prayers and work could have been part of the catalyst. The other thought concerns timing. God takes his dreams in you, purifies you and these dreams for your entire life, and everything could come to fruition in your golden years. God wants to use us through our whole lives. He uses us as children, teenagers, college students, parents and grand parents. But many of us get sidetracked because we don’t see what we need to see. I want to live in God’s dreams like they could happen anytime, even when I’m 75. This also motivates me to keep walking hard after God. Meanwhile, God is bringing many beautiful things to pass along the journey. I suppose saying the phrase, dreaming God’s dreams, sounds big, but it is simple faith. Faith that God can take our lives and do outlandish things through them, most of it being more than we even asked for or imagined.
In the fall and spring of 2003 God spoke into my heart, “this is a day to dream, a day to stretch and dream.” As I started sharing this thought with a few friends, they were telling me stories of how God was already asking them to stretch toward dreams that God had put in them. It was apparent to me that God was speaking something into my little world. These would be dreams that would put a magnifying glass up to God. The dreams would be a celebration and a mark of God’s work. I also knew that God’s dreams could require faith that is marked with small deaths along the way, long stretches, but great joy.
I had been asking God for a few years to redefine the word “great” to me. You see, greatness on earth is a target we all shoot for, but it is not necessarily God’s target. I believe that “great” in God’s world can be an enormous amount of different things than what we think it is. I want people to look at my life and say, “wow he is impressive, influential, and talented” and I want my life in those manners to draw great attention toward God. But I also know how he develops us in those ways and it can take time. As I’m asking God to redefine “great” for me, and teach me His definition, I started thinking of God coming to earth as a baby in a dirty stable on a cold night. God came in an unexpected, small, really strange way. I wondered how strange it would be if I took a season and thought of my music and leadership like this. I could try a totally different way of playing music and pursue small rooms and crowds. I understand that some could roll their eyes at this thought and others would find it spiritually inspiring, but I am not trying to cause either reaction. I felt a little piece of God’s heart and I simply wanted to be obedient. The thought of doing something like this in this time of my life felt like a God kind of dream, like something he thought up and downloaded into my heart. The bigger dream was not even trying to do a relational tour of small rooms of college kids but what God might do later through those kids, myself, and my small band of rebels. (I use the word rebel with the meaning of going against the norm). God’s dreams and thoughts in me were about inspiring the church and building into them. We would take a day of highly relational interaction that left a different kind of mark on them, myself and the people around me. This became what we called the fall journey, a journey to go love and inspire the church through music, art, poetry, processing and relationship. We would simply take old and new thoughts and styles and ascend to God, commune with Him and ask that He would fill us with His heart, ultimately sending us out to love the people of the world.
One of the more difficult things about dreaming is putting the wheels on it. I think about my friends Louie and Shelley who have dreamed of and for Passion and the 268 generation. I also think about my church in Oklahoma City, and all the work and prayer that built a community of people that pursue God and live life together. God sized dreams eventually call you to many small deaths along the way. But after each gathering with the college generation, I see in these people amazement and wonder at the things God does when we position ourselves to be used by Him. The beginning of the fall journey would be just that, a positioning to catch the wind of God. We would pray, work and position ourselves for God’s use of our lives. We carried a simple hope of leaving pieces of God’s heart at each college and church. We would throw a big rock in the water and pray that ripples happen. Of course we saw a few ripples on the journey, but the prayer was that God would leave something so much bigger than us, or that night behind us. Who knows?
In the fall of 2004 we set out on a journey to love and inspire the church through music. In the 60 days of the road we had about 40 question and processing times, where we hung out with people and just talked about things God was doing and questions that were being pondered about art, life, the church, and the world around us. These times and thoughts of this rolling, journeying community were documented by my newly found friend Tristan and placed here for you to read. My prayer and God dream is that He takes the thoughts and journaling that came out of our journey and causes new processes in your walk, rethinking in the way you go about leading, your devotion, art and even some deep God dreaming about how he could send you into the world to love the people. May God, by the Holy Spirit, speak into your heart and use you in this life to dream His dreams.
Preface
I have never written anything this grand before. Let me get that on the table first. I have written papers and essays but nothing on this scale, so I don’t know how this will end. But I do know how it began.
In mid summer 2003, while interning at a PR firm in San Antonio, I got online to brush up on music news. My thought has always been that I have to be one step ahead of everyone musically. It’s almost a competition, which might not make much sense to people, but I take pride in it. I jumped on the Rolling Stone magazine’s website and was delighted to see “10 Artists to Watch.” This was perfect and just what I was looking for. There was a singer/songwriter by the name of Damien Rice gracing this list. The review read something like this:
“Damien Rice is an Irish singer/songwriter who is a blend of David Gray and Ryan Adams.”
This was enough for me to take a further look. I sampled some of his music that evening and decided to take a trip to the local Barnes and Noble to see if they had it. I called Mike E., my engineer friend, and he went with me. The whole way there I was thinking that with my luck they would most likely not have it. I didn’t find it in the “pop/rock” section and was leaving discouraged when I saw it starring back at me in the “folk” section. It was a sign, a beacon of light in the form of a CD. I bought the album “O” and quickly went outside to spin the disc. It was so different and only sampling a few songs I could tell I had fallen in love, but what made it even better was that I had discovered him; he was my artist. I called all my music friends to report what I was hearing and told them to not even think twice but to buy the record. Mike E. and I sat there in the parking lot of Barnes and Noble under the beautiful San Antonio night and listened to my very own Damien Rice.
The next eight months I played those 10 songs to death. I had already picked out the songs I would sing to my wife and the one I was going to dance to at our reception. Days would go by without taking him out of the CD player, which for me and my fickle CD playing habits was a big deal. I got wind, and now I don’t remember how, that Damien Rice was coming close. By close I mean four hours away in Lawrence, Kansas, because Oklahoma’s music scene is still developing (By the time this is finished Wilco, The Shins and Kanye West will have all stopped by). I did not even hesitate to buy two tickets, one for Mike L., my pre-med friend, and one for myself. Usually I think about purchases like that, where lengthy travel is involved, but this time I sat down and bought the tickets on a whim.
Mike L. and I heard that two friends of ours that had graduated were going. I thought we should do the economic thing and drive together. I was looking forward to the road trip and time with my friends. The weeks crept by until the day before the show. Mike L. called Dustin, our drumming intellectual friend, to set up a time to meet. We received news that the other friend, Steven, could not attend. I was saddened by the news. Mike L. then went on to tell me that Dustin gave his ticket to Charlie Hall.
“The worship guy?” I asked. “Great, I was looking forward to a fun, guy road trip and now there’s a youth minister going.” That was my first reaction. I didn’t know much about Charlie and cannot honestly say I listened too much of his music. I told everyone, though, that I was going to a show with Charlie Hall.
“THE Charlie Hall?” People asked.
“Yeah that one.”
I had already been to the Death Cab For Cutie and Ben Kweller show earlier that week in Dallas and decided I couldn’t drive. Charlie graciously volunteered his Suburban, which now, in hindsight, is no surprise. The next day we met at Bridgeway Church in Edmond and headed north. I knew the trip was going to be interesting when I extended my arm to meet Charlie, a gesture commonly practiced between people who do not know each other, and instead of him extending his hand back, he jumped in my arms like a four year old. Now, I know that is typical Charlie. The first thing I noticed about him was the mass of hair extending south from his chin. I guess that would be the first thing most everyone notices about Charlie. The car ride was enjoyable and it felt as if Charlie and I had known each other for years. It comes easy for him to make everyone feel special. We were both wearing the same green military hat. Instant bond. We made small talk for a while and then Charlie asked what degree I was graduating with.
“A PR degree with a Creative Writing minor.”
This is when the gears started turning in his mind. I could almost physically see it. He started asking me things like, “If you were to come on tour…” and “If I needed you to do this could you…” I was sensing something big and began to get really anxious. Mike L. and I were sitting in the back and I looked at him with the “is this happening?” face. He was half smiling, half laughing because he knew how much I would love the job. Everything we talked about was a blur. The rest of the night would take a backseat as this project dominated my thoughts.
We arrived in Lawrence with time to kill. So Mike L., Dustin and I shopped around. Charlie met up with his friend John from Nickel and Dime and they hung out. He was going to the show as well. The weather was perfect and to top it off we found a great record store. We browsed for about an hour and the whole time I could not get the opportunity out of my mind. I bought Sufjan Steven’s album “Seven Swans” and we left.
By the end of the night, Charlie was talking about how much he could pay me and when to start. I thought I was dreaming. The concert was stellar, Damien put on an unbelievable show. I walked out of the venue on cloud nine, and I know the rest of the guys enjoyed it as well. I was speechless as we made our way to the car. Everything about the day made me giddy. The whole way back to Oklahoma City I thought about the opportunity I was being presented with. It all started with me liking Damien and our friend bailing so Charlie could go. Charlie had been thinking up this idea for a long time and I was there at the right time to accept. I remember asking Dustin in October of 2003 if he had any way to get me into the music business. I was half kidding yet a hundred percent serious but I did not think it would ever happen. Then the Damien concert came, the beginning of the product you are now reading. The real job didn’t come until weeks later, following several conversations Charlie and I had concerning the project. I met the band and everyone involved, and accepted this adventure.
My goal in life was to get into music. I don’t play an instrument, I don’t sing, so I had to get in with the pen. I am fresh out of college touring America, writing, living life on a tour bus, meeting people and hanging with a band. The last thing you will find me doing is complaining.
BIG YOU, SMALL ME
J
A few weeks before the tour started I was out in California and started stressing out because some of the dates weren’t panning out as well as I was hoping. Others had completely fallen apart, and I began to take on the load as if it were mine to bear. I had spiritually coated the stress by saying, “I need to be a good steward of this tour and make sure that I fill in all the dates!” Without knowing it, my “good stewardship” was excluding God from the equation because I thought I was ultimately the person that had to make everything happen.
I remember still carrying the weight as I was trying to get a few things done, when suddenly God spoke His truth over me that hit me like a spiritual 2x4. “This is not your tour. This isn’t Charlie’s tour. It’s mine. Let me take care of it.” Peace rushed into my heart like a dam broke and the tears of joy and surrender flowed down my face (I guess I was more stressed then I thought I was). The revelation that God was in charge and not me was so incredibly freeing! It was like God was giving me the freedom to be a kid again, and wanted me to let Him do the things that “adults” do. He could handle it, He was working on it, and I just needed to trust Him and do the best I could do. It wasn’t a license for laziness, but more of a license to trust again and release control. I think we miss out on seeing God’s hand moving by not taking our mitts off anything we do because we don’t expect Him to come through. This tour was evidence of just the opposite.