These pick-up lines are hilarious!!!!!!
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny; it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance; you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbour, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille nametag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body especially mine.
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.
37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long?
38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread the word.
42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
44. I can't find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choochoo.
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
A LITTLE REFLECTION ON LIFE AS A MALE
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts. When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.
WHY IT IS GREAT TO BE A GUY!
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000, Tux rental $100.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
One mood, all the time - horny
You know you're from Canada when:
You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You find -40 C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You actually get these jokes and share them with other true Canadians.
Things you would like to say at work
1. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
2. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
3. Do I look like a people person?
4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
5. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
16. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
17. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
19. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
23. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
24. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
25. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day.
Nursing Home Driver
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An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the
hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you were
speeding, can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a
little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over,
gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the hall again
she goes, making sounds like she's driving a car.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but
I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration
please?" She digs around in her purse and pulls out a store receipt and
hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her
on her way. She zooms off again, up and down the halls weaving all over. As
she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out.
He is stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair
looks up at the man and say's, "Oh no. Not the Breathalyzer again!"
What I have Learned (or should)
I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned- that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned- that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned- that my best friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.