Goldilocks Hilton, heiress/socialite.

Statement in a 2006 interview with People Magazine regarding an event that happened during her adolescence in 1990.

So my parents sent me away to some health spa in the middle of this god-forsaken forest for two weeks. They said it was for my own good, but they probably wanted to just dump me off somewhere so they could be alone for a while. Anyway, I got sick and tired of all the yoga and boring stuff so I decided to take off and find something else to do. As I looking around the forest, I saw a cute little house and decided to see if anything was happening there. I looked in the window and didn’t see anyone so I just decided to let myself in. I’ve heard in these little communities everyone is all-welcoming. On the table was some grub and I was starving from eating nothing but wheatgrass and protein shakes and stuff so I thought I’d help myself. There was one bowl that was too hot and one that was totally cold, but the other was just right and it really hit the spot.

So then I thought I’d hang out for a while by myself. At least I could ditch all of those boring housewives back at the spa. So I tried to find somewhere to sit. The first chair really sucked because there was no cushion or anything and I couldn’t get comfortable. Then (this is so embarrassing) I sat in the second chair and it totally broke. I guess maybe I did need to go back to that spa and work a little on the backside. But then I found a chair that was pretty comfy so I kicked it there for a while.

Then I started to get really homesick and just felt like curling up for a while and trying to forget about how my parents had just dumped me off to get rid of me. So I decided to check out the rest of the place to see if there was a place where I could catch a snooze for a little bit. After trying out a couple beds I found one that reminded me of the Swiss down featherbed I had at home and then I was out like a light.

I was just starting to have an awesome dream about this hot yoga instructor when I hear this scary monster growling at me. He went all psycho and started chasing me around the house for no reason. I ran as fast as I could back to camp and didn’t leave again until my parents came to pick me up. Oh yeah, by the way, I totally hooked up with the yoga instructor.

G. Bear, gardener, husband, father, and resident of the enchanted forest.

Statement to police regarding an intruder, 1990.

On Sunday morning my wife made breakfast for my son and I. She just made a few bowls of porridge. We don’t have much but we make do. Anyway the food was too hot so I suggested that we take a family walk while our breakfast cooled. We've never had any problems in this neighborhood before, but ever since they put that new age health spa in there, we've had a lot more strangers around than usual.

So we returned an hour later to find that our door had been broken in. Someone had eaten from all of our bowls and had completely devoured my son’s entire breakfast. Looking around it seemed they must be a dangerous sort because they had smashed one of our chairs to pieces. I started scouting the house to make sure it was safe for my family. When I got into our bedroom, I could see a human form LAYING IN OUR BED! I shouted to my wife to get out and take our son to safety. I started shouting at the intruder “What do you want? Leave us in peace! We’ll give you anything you want, just don’t hurt my family!”

I don’t think she spoke bear because she didn’t say anything, she just started screaming and ran away crying. When she jumped up, I couldn’t believe it was just a little girl. Who’d have guessed that such a little thing could do so much damage to a guy’s house?