A Doug Fields Series

A DOUG FIELDS SERIES

INTRODUCTION

If conflict is unavoidable, we have to find a way to disagree without being so dysfunctional.

TENSION

At the root of almost every reaction to conflict is anger.

See which one of these you relate to as it pertains to anger…

· The Incredible Hulk

· The Stuffer

· The “Everything is Great” Person

· Stealth Attacker

You can’t control people. But learning how to respond to them may be the very thing that saves your sanity and your relationships.

TRUTH

Proverbs is really just a book filled with great advice and honest insights. And even though the author, Solomon, was wise He didn’t always do the wise thing.

Solomon writes, Fools give vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. I bet there were a lot of times Solomon gave full vent to his rage. And he could do it because he was king.

But it doesn’t really matter if you can get away with anger. In the end, you can’t get away from the consequences anger creates.

The foolish are led by their rage. The wise feel angry but they don’t let it lead them.

APPLICATION

There are four things you can practice immediately that will make you better at conflict right away:

Pause, Identify, Express, and Release.

A pier is a raised structure that goes out and over the water. It allows currents and tides to move beneath it while it offers something steady. And essentially, that’s what these steps are going to do for you.

LANDING

You don’t have to learn the hard way. Instead, you can put in the hard work now and reap the benefits now and later.

A DOUG FIELDS SERIES

BOTTOM LINE:

Our response to anger can keep us out of danger.

GOAL OF SMALL GROUP:

To encourage students to calm down and process their anger in a healthy way;

and to help them develop the ability to deal with conflict in a healthy way.

INTRODUCTION

If you’ve ever been in any kind of relationship—friendship, dating, or any sort of family structure—you know that conflict is going to happen. There’s no getting around it.

· You want money to go to the movies. Your parents say no. Conflict.

· Your best friend hangs out Friday night with the girl who totally shamed you on Instagram. Conflict.

· Your boyfriend doesn’t treat you the way you think you should be treated. Conflict.

It doesn’t matter who you are or how smart, good-looking, or right you think you are, conflict will be a part of your life. It’s unavoidable. And if that’s true, then we have to find a way to have disagreements without being so dysfunctional.

TENSION

Like we said in part one, the biggest problem in handling conflict is that we just don’t see it modeled that well. For many of us, our family doesn’t handle conflict well. Our friends don’t either. On top of that, we watch reality shows that thrive on massive amounts of drama. So we take our cue on how to deal with conflict from shows where producers lock people in a house just to see what will happen. There’s name-calling, fist fighting, hair pulling, and drink throwing. It’s entertaining and super dysfunctional.

It may not look like a reality show, but chances are that our reaction to conflict isn’t great, either. At the root of almost every reaction to conflict is anger. Anger is what makes reality TV so exciting—one simple disagreement turns into a brawl on the front lawn. Anger is interesting to watch. But in real life, it can make us completely unhealthy if we don’t learn to handle it well.

See which one of these you relate to as it pertains to anger…

· Incredible Hulk. Some sort of disagreement comes up, and immediately your blood pressure rises, you start to sweat and the veins in your neck start to pulsate like you’re the Incredible Hulk. #Raging.

· The Stuffer. You back off and distance yourself from other people. You let your mind stew on whatever is bothering you. When someone asks you what’s wrong, you say, “Nothing.” But inside you’re boiling.

· The “Everything Is Great” Person. You hate conflict so much that you will do just about anything to avoid it—including denying that it even exists. You totally ignore it and brush it under the carpet so you don’t have to deal with it.

· Stealth Attacker. Like denying conflict, you pretend everything is fine, even to the person who hurt you. But when they’re not around, you immediately find subtle ways to talk about them behind their back, make them look bad, and win people over to your side. Classic passive-aggressive move.

Those methods may work for a while. But let’s be honest, they aren’t exactly setting you up for success in the long run, are they? When conflict knocks on your door and you respond one of these ways, it always ends up creating more stress in your life.

But you can be different. You should be different. Why? Because conflict is never going away. It’s not a high school thing. It’s not a teenage thing. It’s a people thing. You will always have a family member, a spouse, a friend, a boss, or a coworker who knows how to stir you up. Even your most trusted friends will create serious conflict in your life at times. You can’t control people. But learning how to respond to them may the very thing that saves your sanity and your relationships.

TRUTH

Let’s stop here for just a minute and think about something. The Bible tells us that Jesus experienced everything we have. But sometimes that can be hard to believe. Did Jesus really know what it felt like to get in an argument over which comedy movie is the funniest? Did Jesus really know what it felt like to have His girlfriend start an argument with Him over text…using only emojis? Or to not get along with a teammate on the basketball team? Or have His mom yell at Him about His Geometry homework? Sometimes that seems impossible. But when it comes to conflict and communication, it isn’t very hard to imagine that Jesus can relate. He travelled around with twelve guys for three years (yeah, that could create some fights), having no idea where they would sleep from night to night or where their food would come from. Oh yeah, and occasionally He had to escape from overly enthusiastic or angry mobs. It wasn’t exactly a conflict-free time.

So before we move on, let’s all take comfort in the fact that when Jesus teaches us to live at peace, He can actually relate to any conflict we go through. With that in mind, let’s move back to a time before Jesus was on Earth. It’s a passage from the book of Proverbs. Proverbs is really just a book filled with great advice and honest insights. And most of it was written by King Solomon, one of the most famous kings of Israel. He’s the guy considered to be the wisest man who ever lived. Basically, that means we want to pay attention to what he’s saying.

What I love about Proverbs is that while Solomon was really wise, he didn’t always live in a really wise way. He knew the best thing to do, but he didn’t always do it. Which I think gives him even more credibility. The stuff he shared was stuff he sometimes learned the hard way.

In Proverbs 29:11, Solomon writes, Fools give vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.

This is so smart, especially when we consider the position Solomon was in. He was the most powerful man in the known world. He was rich and famous. He could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He was king. So if he was angry, he had every right to go off on whatever got him fired up. No one was sitting around telling him to take a deep breath and “think about it” first. When you’re the king, you’re usually surrounded by people who agree with you no matter what, even if it’s stupid.

So I bet there were a lot of times Solomon gave full vent to his rage. Total explosion. And he could do it because he was king. No one would stop him. But even kings eventually get to a place where they realize that letting their anger and frustration get the best of them isn’t doing them any favors. See, it doesn’t really matter if you can get away with your anger. In the end, you can’t get away from the consequences your anger creates.

That’s what Solomon learned. Going off makes you feel better for a minute, but it doesn’t make you or the relationship better. Wise and smart people know that ultimately, relationships are better than a quick emotional release. Our response to anger keeps us out of danger.

Like we said a minute ago, anger doesn’t look the same for everybody. No matter how you express it, this verse is for you. The foolish are led by their rage. The wise, on the other hand, feel angry, but they don’t let it lead them. They don’t let it control them. They don’t let their anger call the shots. They know that in the end, anger never accomplishes its goal. Peace—“calm”—ultimately brings the outcome we want.

APPLICATION

So how do we get to the place where we can feel angry without letting anger call the shots? How do we handle conflict in a way that allows us to feel frustration without letting it be the thing that decides how we handle the fight?

There are four things you can practice immediately that will make you better at conflict right away. It may sound silly, but if it helps you remember it when you get home, then I’m okay with that. It’s an acronym for the word PIER.

P-PAUSE

The problem with anger is it comes quickly and demands an immediate reaction. We’ve all done something or said something in anger that later on we wish we hadn’t. Taking a few minutes to breathe allows it to lose some of its power. If you feel just as fired up after a second, consider waiting a bit longer. Take a walk. Go for a run. Read a book. Do something that distracts you. If you’re tired, wait to deal with the anger until the next day when you have some perspective and the conflict doesn’t feel as consuming as it did the day before.

I-IDENTIFY

Sometimes we get so caught up in the emotion of conflict that we never take the time to actually figure out what’s bothering us. Sure, you’re mad at your mom for being late to pick you up, but maybe that anger is compounded by a rough day at practice. Sure, you’re frustrated that your teacher wouldn’t accept your late homework, but is that all that’s going on? The truth is, our anger is rarely about one thing. It’s usually a combination of several things. So we have to get really good at identifying what’s really bothering us. You’ll do a better job finding a solution when you can identify the true problem.

E-EXPRESS

It isn’t bad to communicate when you feel like you’ve been wronged, as long as you do it in a healthy way. Once you’ve calmed down, make the effort to communicate face to face. Text and social media allow too much room for misunderstanding. Plus you can’t “hear” someone’s tone over text. Being able to see someone eye to eye allows you to communicate as clearly as possible. And it may keep you from saying nasty stuff that is simply too easy to say through text (stuff that you may regret later). Face to face allows you to see how your words impact someone.

R-RELEASE

Eventually, you have to let it go. If you try to respond in a healthy way and nothing feels resolved the way you’d like, you have to come to terms with it. Make peace with the face that you did what you could and it didn’t go the way you wanted. It’s time for forgiveness. You must forgive, forgive, and then forgive again. Releasing someone from what they owe you, whether they ask you to or not, is ultimately what will bring you peace. Forgiveness takes practice. The good news is, you’ll have lots of chances to get better at it!

If you want to get better at conflict, PIER is an incredible place to start! PAUSE, IDENTIFY, EXPRESS, and RELEASE.

Have you seen an actual pier before?

A pier is a raised structure that goes out and over the water. It allows currents and tides to move beneath it while it offers something steady and sturdy overtop. Essentially, that’s what these steps are going to do for you. They’re going to give you the tools to rise above the conflict and stay steady and sturdy no matter what’s going on around you. They’ll give you a response to anger that keeps you out of danger.

LANDING

Basically, conflict is inevitable. It’s not bad. But the way you handle it will either take your life in a good or bad direction. So we have to learn how to control our anger without letting it control us. We have to learn not to blow up with rage, stuff it inside and pout, or totally ignore it. We have to learn to process it in a way that brings peace instead of getting us in a dangerous place.

You don’t have to learn the hard way. Instead, you can put in the hard work now and reap the benefits now and later. You won’t regret it. So as you head out, start thinking of the areas you might have conflict in your life. What step of PIER do you need take next? And how can you respond to anger in a way that keeps you out of danger?

[TRANSITION TO SMALL GROUPS]