2nd draft-Beginning Thoughts by Randy Schenkat 3/10/07 Conversation on LOVE
In the aftermath Forum 197 , a community’s conversation on violence, I began wondering whether we should have a conversation on love.
Now I’m not a 60’s hippy. In fact I recently disclosed I campaigned for Barry Goldwater in 1964. But I am beginning to understand more the mantra -all you need is love. In my conservative ways, I missed a lot in the Beatles. I contend there are many activities calling us to love today. Many of these are in the secular world. Yet because we have more limited views of love- we don’t see them as such or nurture their fruition.
Love seems to stay so much at the Valentine’s Day mentality of the sentiments we hold for another. Doing the daisy petal picking, does she/he love me or not? Who is this other person to render judgment on my lovableness? So often this love is conditional. The other is meeting my needs, so I love them.
Although this love and some of the neediness that goes with it has a bearing on the sexual and domestic violence we talked about in Forum 197, as I thought more about love,we might do well to talk more about Agape love. This kind of love has been mysterious to me as I’ve known the word for many years but have never been able to put a good handle on it.
A break through for me, was seeing that many of the programs I have been attracted to that strive to make organizations healthier and more productive such as: Deming’s Quality, Crucial Conversations, Non Violent Communications, HeartMath were calling for behaviors that’s grounded in Agape love. For instance, Crucial Conversations begins with admonishing- start with the heart. And recently, reading a book by Marianne Williamson called Return to Love helped solidified this thinking. I was lead to some connection here when the 85 year old organizational theorist Chris Arygris emailed me, a few years back, that his Model 2( the capacity for remaining open to experience-showing acceptance, the ability to be descriptive and non judgmental, and the willingness to question, inquire,explore and experiment) was acting in Love-albeit tough love. This contrasts with his Model 1 which is acting to be right, look good, keep the peace/avoid conflict, and save face-very non loving ways to act which underlie much of our interactions according to the book Crucial Conversations which builds on Arygris’ work.
To elaborate on what I think Arygris meant by tough love I like to share some wisdom from this beautiful little book from 1962- The Miracle of Dialogue- by Reuel Howe,an Episcopal Priest. My friend , Fr. Joe Keefe, tells me it was highly esteemed by Pope John Paul and the Vatican II thinkers as Fr. Joe was being prepared to be a priest in Rome in that era. First the book’s title suggests that we are in the action of dialogue and Arygris’ Model 2- non judgment, openness, experimentation gives us a sense of the that action. It isn’t easy to do hence the tough or challenging love.
Howe comments more directly on the challenge of this tough love,
“The fruits of the Spirit are not achieved in a vacuum. They are achieved and found in the context of human relationships, and, as we have seen, human relationships at their best are dialogical. We look there for the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. These are the signs of the Christian life, or put another way, of a love lived in responsible, reciprocal relationship. Unfortunately, however, we are apt to think of these signs in the abstract, as achievements apart from the process which produces them. Love, for instance, is not a ready-made, easily purchased product. Indeed, we cannot understand love except as we see it striving in behalf of all enemies. Peace accepts strife as part of its responsibility. Patience or long suffering has meaning only in relation to the conflicts, distortions, and misrepresentations of life. Goodness is not innocence, but a quality of 3
life that has wrestled with some of the forms of evil, indeed the very principle of evil itself. Gentleness is not weak but strong, and has been forged out of the temptation to be hostilely aggressive, to use compulsion as a way of achieving one’s own will. And self control trembles in its conflict with self will.” .
So this agape love isn’t easily purchased; it takes work, it’s tough or difficult to do. This sure could put a different spin on Tough Guise realizing that violence is the weapon of the weak.
A couple years ago several clergy and I went through some training on Crucial Conversations. And I made my –“this is acting in love” statement about Crucial Conversations to little effect. In reflecting now, perhaps the steps in Crucial Conversations felt like the laws of the Pharisees . What’s the spirit that drives or motivates this loving behavior?
It seems it comes from the heart. But this, too has been a vague area for me.. Finally I’m getting a sense of understanding that resonates with me. To me, from the heart means beyond the ego. We often hear the expression “your ego’s getting in the way” . Bob Kierlin in Power to Fastenal People has sagacious advice on a place for leaders to start their leadership journey- Learn to Suppress Your Ego. This is a curious conundrum in our culture that is so grounded in –“what’s in it for me?”. Can we transcend this rampant individualism? The Ego seeks to manipulate and control while the heart strives for mutual gain that maintains the relationship. But as Howe points out, this is hard work. Faith Development models – such as Janet Hagberg’s – clearly indicate this is a turning point in one’s faith journey when one searches for direction not answers, and seeks wholeness and lets go of self-centeredness. It’s interesting that one hears more talk of “letting go of the ego” in enlightened leadership descriptions such as Kierlin’s than one hears in church challenges.
Just recently I hear the parable of the wisdom of geese. Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of flying alone and quickly gets back in formation. This V gives 71% more flying range than flying alone. Like geese, people who share a common sense of direction and a sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier than those who fly alone. Perhaps if we embrace this wisdom of geese we can be much more productive and happy. It seems that the maturity to go beyond ego and engage in heart filled, hard discussion is central to acting in love. For us as humans it’s the developing of a common sense of direction and a sense community. It’s grounded in a deep belief in a reverence for the other, and the process. It’s a belief from a Biblical standpoint, that when two or more are gathered in my name which I’d call heart directed dialogue-there I am, also(Matt 18:20) . Perhaps the fall, was when man lost the faith in heart felt instincts that still guide geese.
Within the last few weeks this talk of heart has clarified for me with the reading of Heart Math-- a program to call us to create a heart stillness by invoking feelings of love, compassion, and appreciation. More concretely I was attached to a monitor to see the smoothing of my heart patterns as I became more centered.
We need to appreciate and revere deeply. Another conundrum of this fast paced life. We’re much more prone to criticize than appreciate; exploit than savor. In Forum 197, I vividly recall Chief of Police Pomeroy decrying the rotten relationships that underlie much domestic assault and describing the ownership, control and throw away nature of many of them..
So what does all this have to do with Winona having conversations about Love?
I think we should explore a city motto and corresponding action that puts practice to the words- Winona: A City Living Out Agape Love. It’s way past time to move beyond Philadelphia’s City of Brotherly Love. . As we say we won’t stand for domestic assault any longer we should understand much of the unloving ways that are shaping our community. Dwayne Voegeli, in Forum 197, described youth knowing in their hearts healthy behavior but living in a the cesspool of media violence today. What are factors that keep us in this unloving, violent state? Why is it important to consider this?
This is a relational world; Agape love sets the gold standard for our relating. It is in our reach. In the past I've asserted that profits follow quality and heightened human maturity increases group productivity. Today I'd assert that agape love is the foundational lubricant in the success of all human endeavor. Living out this tough love is a challenge but the benefits are huge in so many of our problem areas today: domestic violence, health care costs, alienation, lagging worker productivity and commitment, civic participation. We need to see the root causes that block the Agape spirit.
If we want to get to the root causes , I'd suggest a few.
1) There are things in our culture that seem at odds with living out the Gospel message of love- such as the ego focused, rampant individualism that is justified as the American way.
2) The schism between religion and science and the disconnect between secular programs advancing gospel validated behavior and the link to the spirit of the church.
3) A failure to look at ourselves in the context of our culture and see what we do to perpetuate a violent world and a failure to engage in proven means to soften human behavior guided by the heart..
4) In an increasingly pluralistic world a failure to see the core agape principle that all world religions embrace let alone seeing the commonality and not definitive differences between Christian denominations.
5) Much of our disease -both physically and psychologically - is linked to a departure from Agape love.
1)There are things in our culture that seem at odds with living out the Gospel message of love- such as the ego focused, rampant individualism that is justified as the American way.
Perhaps the USA had gotten where it is based on the rugged individual. We certainly have that myth. Some claim differently - even as we think of the cooperative behaviors of barn raisings, harvesting, etc in our agricultural past. Whatever the historical claims, the new world is calling for a mind that goes beyond the individual. We're heard that message repeated over and over in the HBC Series, appropriately called, Working Together. Yet sadly, most educational research shows youth and their parents are grounded in performance fixation -that focuses on looking good, winning- very similar to the Model One described earlier.
A few years ago Winona State University was doing much training in Crucial Conversations. I recall in the group I participated in of maybe 50 Winonans, most of us said this way of being more like the agape love was very foreign to us. It seemed that it was wired into us to -look good, seek to win, be right, etc.
2)The schism between religion and science and the disconnect between secular programs advancing gospel validated behavior and the link to the spirit of the church.
I've had a special position over the last 3 and 1/2 years to host a monthly clergy luncheon in which the theme has been transformation in the secular and spiritual world. My original graduate training was as a psychologist. My focus of reading over the past 30 years has been in the area of human development and the possibilities for healthy human beings. I often have the sense that this growing body of knowledge of the inner person from a psychological standpoint doesn't stand up to the wisdom of the Bible. I value Biblical traditions but also think, for instance, the research surrounding Heart Math helps us connect to the still quiet voice that God has placed in all of us. I exude an enthusiasm when I think of the work being done exploring the inner space of humans and how it connects with the agape tradition and portends a vision of a more loving way of life here on earth.
I see so much reference to the force of spirit in writings like Covey's 8th Habit, Parker Palmer's Hidden Wholeness, or even the Winona Emerging Practices talk of finding passion in work. The nurturing and harnessing of this spirit is paramount to a Winona renaissance. Yet often when we take hard looks, we see a culturally conditioned passivity both in our places of work and worship.
My fondest hope would be that we who see the potential of secular programs like Non Violent Communication, Heart Math, Crucial Conversations in starting us on journey to a more full manifestation of agape love in the community would be vigorously supported by Winona clergy grounded in the gospel saying right on-how can we help, connect, and support our community growth; we can be people that live out tough love daily in making us thrive as a city shaping our future.
3) A failure to look at ourselves in the context of our culture and see what we do to perpetuate a violent world and a failure to engage in proven means to soften human behavior guided by the heart.
It's easy to talk about suppressing your ego. It's really hard to do.. We have incredible defenses-armor, if you will that protect that frailness of the ego-the me that wants above all things to be right. Don't look at the evidence, don't think of other ways of framing the situation, keep up the pretense- I've got it all together. I think that as much as we do this for ourselves, we also have a collective way to thinking about the rightness of Winona. Who dares offer another way of looking at things. For instance, as a consummate reader of better ways of doing things- I have failed mostly in my 30+ year association and employment with the Winona Public Schools in engaging systems looks that might offer insights into more healthy ways of doing things. One specifically was trying to connect folks to the implications that we're cranking out kids that are much more performance focused, with all the baggage it carries in terms of winning,wanting to be right, saving face, not discussing feeling- than being truly passionate about learning.