16 THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE
Watch the three habits: four, five and six.
First, think win win. Say to the person something like this, "Why don't we agree to communicate until we can find a solution we both feel good about? Would you be willing to do that?" In almost all cases, people will say yes to you.
Now watch habit five. Let me listen to you first. Most people do the very opposite. They want to first be understood. And when both parties want to be understood 1)simultaneously, that's called the 2)collective 3)monologue, the dialogue of the deaf. They're not really listening, they're either speaking or preparing their speech. So the fifth habit is communicate, first by listening, then expressing.
Now what's habit six? That's where you're very creative and you think through new and better ways, new and better solutions. For instance, let's say that I want to go on a vacation out into the lake country, and you want to go on a vacation closer to your 4)ailing mother. It's important to you. The other is important to me. I've looked forward to it. I'm a fisherman at heart. The boys are excited about it. But your mother is ailing and you don't have an opportunity to see her very much. And that's important to you.
Now, if I'm deep into 5)authoritarianism, I might say, "I don't really care what you think that much, when I want your opinion I'll give it to you. We're going fishing. Or I'll 6)beat it out of you." Or if I'm into 6)martyrdom, I might say, "Well, have your way with me." It's the way it always is. I always lose. In the former case I'm into win-lose. In the latter I'm into lose-win.
Or we could apply habits four, five and six. Assuming we have an abundant mentality and enough internal security to carry on this communication, and say, "Let's agree to communicate until we can find a solution we both feel good about, would you be willing?" "Alright, let's do it." "Let me listen to you first. I understand that visiting with your mother is so important because you haven't seen her for this, and here's your situation and you can 7)relieve your sister who've been taking care of her." And you keep expressing until the other person feels deeply understood. "But you know what we've been doing with these boys? And how much time and effort we've been giving to their lessons, and they want to get into this 8)fly-fishing, and it's just the perfect situation?"
And then I am understood. I am 9)empathized to. And the spirit of mutual understanding creates such an affirmation, such a respect for each other. We're not going to go for lose-win, or win-lose, nor are we going to 10)compromise. We create new 11)options, new 12)alternatives in our minds. We find a lake near the mother. Maybe it's not as good as the lake we had prepared, but I feel much better about it, because I respect my wife. And I love her, and I love her mother, and want to attend to that important need in a way that would also meet my boys' need to have an expression of their fishing opportunity. It's a win-win solution.
Is it compromise? No. It's a better solution.
Some might say it's compromise, you really wanted to go to this lake. You're compromising. Not so. I really don't. Because I care about my wife and I care about her mother. Neither is it a compromise to her. She doesn't want to see those boys just climbing walls while she tends to her mother, takes care of her, has some good family visits. She likes to see those boys involved in doing the thing they'd been preparing to do. So they go for a win-win solution.
Now this little story could be 13)amplified in any 14)conceivable situation, my friends. Seriously, I am convinced that almost without an exception, if people practice four, five and six, they can take almost any difference, and produce a third alternative better than either of the other two.
积极人生从7个习惯开始
看看第四、第五和第六这三个习惯。
首先，思考双赢的方案。向别人这么说：“我们何不继续交流，直到我们找到一个双方都感到满意的解决方案？你愿不愿意呢？”几乎每次人们都会说好的。
现在来看看第五个习惯。让我首先来倾听。许多人做的与此恰恰相反。他们希望首先被了解。当双方同时都希望被了解的时候，我们称这种情况为“集体独白”，是聋子的对话。没人在认真地倾听，他们不是在讲话就是在准备讲话。因此第五个习惯是：在交流时先倾听后表达。
那么第六个习惯是什么？在那是，你要发挥创造力想出新的、更好的方法，想出新的、更好的解决方案。举个例子说，假设我要到乡村湖畔去度假，但你希望度假的地方离你生病的母亲近一些。这对你很重要。另一个则对我很重要。我一直盼望着到那里去。我打心眼里盼望当个渔夫。孩子们为此跃跃欲试。但你的母亲生了病，你没什么机会去探望她。而那对你又是重要的。
如果我是个极端霸道的人，我或许会说：“我才不管你想什么，我不需要听你的意见，我告诉你就好了。我们要去钓鱼。你不去也要去。”又或者我是个富有牺牲精神的人，我会说：“好吧，我听你的。”向来总也如此。我总是让步。在前一种情况中，我得到了赢输。在后一种情况中，我得到的是输赢。
或者我们可以应用上第四、第五、第六个习惯。假设我们的才智与内心安全足够以进行交流，并说：“我们继续交流，直到找到一个我们双方都感到满意的解决方案，你愿不愿意呢？”“好的，就这样吧。”“我先听你说。我明白你需要去探望母亲，因为你缘于此原因没去看望过她，你的情况如此，你要去换换你姐姐，是她一直在照顾母亲。”你不停地解释，直到对方感到被深深地理解了。“可你知道我们在这些孩子身上花了多少心思吗？我们花了多少时间与精力给他们上课，而且他们想去钓鱼，现在正是最好不过的时机？”
于是我得到了理解。我就得到了体谅。这种相互理解的精神为双方创建出一种肯定、一种尊敬。我们没采取输赢或赢输策略，我们也用不着妥协。我们创建了新的选择，思想中的新抉择。我们在靠近母亲的地方找了个湖泊。也许它不如我们原计划中的湖那么好，但我的感觉好多了，因为我尊重了我的妻子。我爱她，爱她的母亲，我想办法将这个重要的需要传达给我的孩子们，既满足他们的需要，也令钓鱼的事情有了解释。这是个双赢的策略。
这是妥协吗？不，这是个更好的解决办法。
有的人或许会说，这是个妥协，你真正想去的是这个湖。你在做出让步。并非如此。我没有让步。因为我关心我的妻子，关心她的母亲。对她而言这也不是妥协。她也不想在照顾母亲、照料她、与亲人欢聚的时候看到孩子只有墙爬。她希望看到孩子们一直在准备做的事情没有落空。所以他们得到的是双赢的方案。
好了，朋友们，这个小故事可以延伸到任何一种想得到的情况中去。认真地说，我确信这几乎没有例外，如果人们贯彻应用第四、第五和第六个习惯，他们将能发现差别，产生比其他两个方案更好的第三种选择来。
1) simultaneously adv. 同时地
2) collective a. 集体的
3) monologue n. 独白
4) ailing a. 生病的，情况不佳的
5) authoritarianism n. 权力主义，独裁主义
6) martyrdom n. 牺牲，殉难
7) relieve v. 减轻，换班
8) fly-fishing n. 用假蝇钓鱼
9) empathize v. 神入，移情
10) compromise n. 妥协
11) option n. 选择
12) alternative n. 二中择一的选择
13) amplify v. 放大
14) conceivable a. 想得到的