12 Steps to Conflict Resolution

How to Get Along with Difficult People

by Ron Jenson

“In the right key one can say anything. In the wrong key, nothing; the only delicate part is

the establishment of the key.”

—George Bernard Shaw

Do you have anyone in your life who drives you nuts? Maybe it is a child, a spouse, a friend, a co-worker or a parent. Well, if you are like most people you do have one or more people like that in your life. I want you to get a picture of that person’s face in your mind as we begin this article because I want you to think about how you apply these principles of conflict resolution to your relationship.

These principles have worked wherever I’ve taught them in dozens of countries around the world. So, think about how you can put them to work and see broken or damaged relationships become whole! Also, use these principles to keep your personal and professional relationships healthy, productive and enjoyable.

In this article I want to coach you on 12 steps to resolving conflict. First, let me give you the 12 steps in summary form and then I’ll unpack them.

12 Steps to Resolving Conflict

  • Learn to embrace and resolve conflict.
  • Address your anger appropriately.
  • Seek understanding, not victory.
  • Assume the best.
  • Learn to share your feelings appropriately.
  • Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
  • Speak the truth respectfully.
  • Attack the problem, not the person. Don’t use “You” statements; use “I” statements.
  • Deal with specific areas, not generalizations.
  • Seek and grant forgiveness.
  • Deal with conflict personally. Go to that person. Don’t reprimand anyone in front of others.
  • Be gentle. People are fragile.

Now, that you have an overview of the principles, let me give you a little more practical application of these.

1.Learn to embrace and resolve conflict. How was conflict handled in your life growing up? Did your family deal with it in a healthy way or didn’t they? It’simportant to think about this because most of us tend to respond to conflict the way our families did, or we overreact and goto the other extreme.

The tendency is for us to react by“Fight” or “Flight.” We can get abusiveon the one hand or run away, deny andhide on the other. Both of theseprocesses are unhealthy and neverresolve conflict. Remember, the goal isto embrace conflict and resolve it.

So, what do you do? You commit toresolve conflict routinely. You embraceit the way one fighter embraces anotherwho is beating him to a pulp. You tryto get your arms around the conflict,evaluate it, not wasting emotional energybut letting your energy be used forpositive problem solving.

The next 11 principles will tell youhow to do this.

2.Address your anger appropriately. Learn how to handleanger. First, realize that anger is notbad. It isn’t. In fact, anger is an emotionbuilt within you in order to helpyou deal with impending danger theright way.

Let me illustrate. You are driving onthe freeway and a car pulls right in frontof you. What do you do? Well, youmay be tempted to do all sorts of juvenilethings. I sure get tempted to. But,hopefully, I let the anger I’m feeling leadme to step on the brakes, swerve andavert a fatal accident. You see, anger isa tool to help you.

So, anger isn’t bad. A response offlight or fight, however, is NOT the right way to respond. Instead, admit youranger and ask yourself what is causingit. Again, don’t waste your emotions bymoping or screaming or being resentful.Instead, let all the emotional energy gotoward completing the next 10 steps.

3.Seek understanding, not victory.Learn to listen! That’s a killerfor most of us. But, you’ll never be apro at resolving conflict unless you letgo of trying to always win and focus ontruly understanding. So, keep yourmouth shut and ask questions.

If you are feeling hurt by someonedue to what they may have said or done,don’t attack the person but ask questionsto determine what was said andwhy it was said. Again, don’t get in anattack mode.

Instead, try to understand the otherperson’s perspective.

4.Assume the best. Don’t jump toconclusions. Instead, givepeople the benefit of the doubt.

How many times have you heardsomeone say something or look at you acertain way in a meeting and youthought,“She doesn’t like me.” What’sthat all about?

We so often squelch good relationshipsat home and at work by assumingthe worst. This especially happenswhen we hear that someone has saidsomething negative about us. Hey, don’toverreact. Remember, we all get andgive filtered information.

So, if you get disparaging reportsabout you from others, check it out.And, assume the best. You might wantto say, “The other day a mutual friendsaid he heard you say, or someone elsesay, some unflattering things about me.I know how messages get confusedwhen they pass through people, so Iwanted to check directly with you to seeif you do have any concerns and/or seeany areas in my life I can work on.”

I know that you may just want todeck the person. But why? First, youmay have inaccurate data. Second, ifyou received accurate data, you mayneed to do some changing. Third, at theleast, the person knows that there isaccountability for saying things andmost likely will be more thoughtful thenext time.

5.Learn to share your feelingsappropriately. Feelings are oftenconfusing. Frankly, most men, myselfincluded, seldom know how they feel.For instance, my wife Mary can saysomething to me that hurts my feelingsand I express anger instead of hurt.Many men react to hurt with anger. It’seasier, because anger seems to us to beabout you—and hurt is about us.

It is, frankly, a little too vulnerablefor most of us “macho” guys to admitthat what you said hurt us. But, that isthe fact. We are feeling unappreciated,disrespected and unloved. And, hey,this is a two-edged sword. Women feelthe same way, guys. They feel unloved,unappreciated, undervalued.

In fact, I believe that the major problemin marriages is the inappropriatemanagement of anger, especially in thearea of sharing our feelings. It is reallynot about finances, the business, thekids, the in-laws, sex or other sideissues. It is about how we feel—unloved, unappreciated, etc.

Here’s what we need to do. The nexttime you feel angry, you need to do thefollowing:

  • Admit that you are angry. It’s OK.Anger is just a warning sign.
  • Communicate your anger to theperson in this way. Say something likethis, “I have a problem. When I heard yousay ______the other day, I felthurt, upset, unappreciated (whatever isaccurate) and angry. Now, I realize that this is my problem, but I’d like to workthrough with you what you meant, how Ican change, and how I canmake you awareof the effect your words had on me.”

Give this a shot. Don’t get discouragedif people don’t respond well. Thiswill always work best when the otherperson has bought into these same 12Steps as a common approach to resolvingconflict. But this will improvethings even if they don’t, because it isthe right thing to do.

6.Watch your tongue. Ask, is ittrue, is it kind, is it necessary?Do you know how dangerous thetongue is? It is such a little instrument—like a spark of fire—but it cancause a huge conflagration. It can doincalculable damage though it is sosmall. It’s much like the rudder of aship—so small but it can turn an entireship.

You probably remember words a parentor others have said to you in anger.Those words just don’t go away. Theyresult in you feeling unloved, unappreciated,unvalued. Well, you have thesame power.

So, the next time you open yourmouth, remember the power of yourtongue. Use these questions as guidelinesfor everything you say. Ask:

  1. Is it true? Don’t say things like“always,” “never,” or other words thatare absolute. Say, “in this instance,” or“in my opinion,” or “sometimes,” etc.
  1. Is it kind? Hey, think about it—we should be kind. There is never a reasonto be rude, obnoxious, offensive orharmful. It doesn’t matter how horribleanother person may be. Use the oldgolden rule here, “Do unto others asyou’d have them do unto you.” Treatothers kindly just like you want to betreated.
  1. Is it necessary? So often wespeak just to speak. Don’t do that. Saywhat is necessary. One wise leader said,“Even a fool seems wise if he keeps hismouth shut.” Don’t be guilty of verbalpollution. Instead, keep the verbal airwaysclean by saying only what is necessary.

7.Speak the truth respectfully.You should always be truthful!That will keep you away from practicingflight or running away, denying, orrepressing conflict.

Truth is truth but much of what wethink is the truth is really opinion. Andeach of us thinks our own opinions arethe right ones! Do the work to determineif what you’re about to say is truthor opinion.

But even if it is just your opinion, doexpress how you feel about a situation.You must be truthful. People deserve toknow what we are thinking and feeling.

If you don’t do this you are bound tobe stuck in the same cycle of miscommunication,hurt, frustration and otherelements of pain. By getting the truth,or even your perspective of the truth, onthe table you are beginning to addressthe real issue and can get to its root. I’llgive you more tips on this throughoutthis article.

While you speak the truth, berespectful. Treat people with dignity.Be kind, generous, gracious, caring inyour relationships. This is just the rightthing to do. Be gracious toward people.This will cause you not to practiceflight—or demonstrate offensive, abrasive,bitter, or abusive behavior.

8.Attack the problem, not theperson. There are few thingsmore harmful than attacking a person’scharacter. We do this often when we tryto handle conflict. The key is our language.Don’t use “You” statements; use“I” statements.

Don’t say, “You make me so mad,” or“You are such a pain.” Instead, usewords like, “I have a problem…when Isee you do this I feel…” or “it seems tome” or “I think that…,” etc.

Remember, when you use “you” statementsyou give the impression that youare attacking the person, and in someway you are. Don’t back people into acorner. Instead, use “I” statements whichgive the other person some room to growand preserve their dignity.

9.Deal with specific areas, notgeneralizations. There are fewthings worse than making overgeneralizations.Men, don’t ever say to yourwife, “You are just like your mother!”This is usually not complementary inthe first place, and second, it is nottotally accurate.

Instead, be specific. It is one thingfor me to say to you, “You are a liar!”How does that make you feel? Probablyworthless and defensive, does it not? Itis too general and I am attacking yourperson.

Instead, I might say, “The other daywhen we were in this meeting I heardyou say ______. This didn’t alignwith my view of the facts. Can you helpme understand the discrepancy?”You see, there may be a perfectly goodexplanation. But, at the very least, I havegiven you a gracious opportunity toaddress the real issues and clarify theproblem without pinning you in a corner.

10.Seek and grant forgiveness.These are two of the toughestthings to do. It is not easy to forgive or ask forgiveness. Let’s take them one at atime.

First, forgive. Now, understand this.Forgiveness and trust are not the samething. Trust is conditional and forgivenessis not. You need to forgive freelyand unconditionally for three reasons.

  • First, it is the best thing for you. Mybuddy, Nancy Dornan, often says,“Unforgiveness or bitterness is like takingpoison and hoping it will kill the otherperson.” You see, bitterness is like a“root” that holds you down from achievingyour own potential. It stops you fromflying like an eagle. It poisons you.
  • Second, you should forgive becauseyou free up the other person to seek reconciliationand forgiveness for him orherself. You liberate people to be theirbest when you forgive. You are aninstrument to help others be their best.
  • Third, you should forgive becauseyou are so blessed and forgiven in somany areas of your life. Make an inventoryof all the good things in your lifethat you don’t deserve—wealth, health,family, friends, and forgiveness itself.You have so much. Do you reallydeserve it? My first prayer each morningis, “Thank you, Lord that you don’tgive me what I deserve.”

I mean that prayer very sincerely. Iknow what I deserve and I have somuch I don’t deserve. So, pass a little ofthat grace on to other people.

Then, learn to ask for forgiveness. Ihave to do this routinely because I messup so much. I coach people to use thefollowing four statements. I’d memorizethese and put them to work on adaily basis. Here they are:

  • I was wrong to have ______.
  • I’m sorry I caused you to feel______.
  • I’ll work hard at not doing thisagain.
  • Will you forgive me?

11.Deal with conflict personally.Too often we get frustratedand go behind a person’s backand complain or gossip about them.Don’t do this. This is cowardly. Bebrave. Care enough to confront. But,do it using all the principles we’vetalked about in this article.

Go to that person. Don’t reprimandanyone in front of others.

“What if that person doesn’trespond?” you ask. Then, bring two ormore people with you for clarification.Your goal here isn’t to beat up on theperson but to provide clarity and confirmationof the issues. You may be wrongyourself. Be humble, share how youfeel about the conflict and let the otherperson share his or her perspective. Letthe others with you give their perspective.

Whatever you do, don’t embarrasspeople in public. Given them theopportunity to address and resolve theissue in private first.

12.Be gentle. People are fragile.Remember that. Treat peoplewith grace and kindness. They are fragilelike eggshells. The person with whom you are in conflict may seem likea hard-hearted wretch. But, trust me.They are fragile even if hardened. So,be gentle.

Gentleness is the same word formeekness. Someone has said,“Meekness is not weakness.” And, itisn’t. Meeknessor gentleness means“strength under control.” So think of awild stallion whose will has been brokenbut whose spirit is alive and well.You should be dynamic, powerful andintentional. Hey, your job is to speakthe truth. But, you should also be gentle,kind and gracious.

So, have an alive spirit and a brokenwill under the control of the master (in this case these 12 steps of conflict resolution).

I don’t have the time to tell you thedozens of stories I have of relationshipsthat have been reconciled by followingthese principles—now in dozens ofcountries around the world.I can tell you that I have heard andread the stories of hundreds of peoplewho have applied these principles and,in tears, relayed the results of restoredrelationships.

Don’t hold back. Be a leader andtake action. I coached you through theprocess of clarifying and resolving conflict.So, now start practicing connectingwith those closest to you. And,write me your stories of transformationand reconciliation as you apply theseprinciples.

Ron Jensonis the authorof 25 books, includingTaking the Lead, Glow inthe Dark (co-authoredwith Bill Bright), TheMaking of a Mentor (coauthoredwith TedEngstrom) and AchievingAuthentic Success. Thisbook builds out the 10 MAXIMIZERS principles that serve as the basisfor this article. Jenson serves as a life coach tomany top leaders throughout the world.Contact him at .