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How could ketchup get this hard?
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You just hold it in your hand like this, and say
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You are the biggest ketchup I’ve ever had.
4
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Hey, everybody. I got it, I got it.
5
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Don’t panic. At least you caught it in the early stage.
6
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No, I got the papers so we can see if our ticket win the lottery.
7
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120 million dollars.
8
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Fine. If we win, I will get an eighth of my trust fund back.
9
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Come on. Now, who’s got our ticket?
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I’ve got the ticket. I put it here.
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I figured it’s for everybody else gets lucky.
12
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By the way, if we win,
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I’m gonna buy a condo right next to Great Adventure and go there everyday drunk.
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Also put a soda fridge in my garage for show.
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Earl, what are you gonna do with your share if we win?
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Well, I’ll get out of this club chop as fast as I can,
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and set me up with some kind of Hugh Hefner situation.
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Here we go, for the big money.
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Woo. If I win, hello Netflix subscription.
20
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We need a six, a ten, a five, a 12 and a nine.
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And the first number is…6!
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And the second number is 47.
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Good thing I didn’t pay my share of the tickets yet, suckers!
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2 Broke Girls S01E22 subtitles
Created by
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2 Broke Girls S01E22 subtitles
Created by
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Before I forget, I printed up more of our cupcake business cards
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So we can hand them out at the Williamsburg crafts fair.
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Oh, can’t wait
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Me and you handing out free cupcakes
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stuck between hipsters selling crochet
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iPad sleeves and salt peppers and salt pepper shakers.
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We are not just giving them away for free. It’s marketing.
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One person eats it and spreads it around their friends.
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So we are herpes.
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Hello, Sophie.
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If you looked any sweeter, you would fire up my diabetes.
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Oh, Earl. You wouldn’t be the first man to lose a limo over me.
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Sophie, I’m surprised to see you in here.
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Stutter buzz says you and Oleg are no longer together.
40
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Wow, this little girl likes to gossip. Yes?
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Won't you scutter your little butt over there
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and get me the menu the way you are supposed to?
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Hey, Max, Caroline.
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Come see me in my booth.
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Are we over here so Oleg can’t see you through the kitchen window?
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What is this? Diner or back issue of Cosmopolitan magazines?
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I grew up reading Cosmo.
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I mean, what a six-year-old doesn't need to know? The hidden male erogenous zones.
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It’s the nipples, the end.
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I came to give you girls a cleaning job tomorrow.
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We can’t tomorrow. We are doing the crafts fair.
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We are turning down a real paying job to go to the crap fair?
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Yes, it’s important that we focus on the cupcake business.
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And you can’t spell "focus" without "us".
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Or FU.
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Hello, Sophie.
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Hello, Oleg.
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So, do you miss the sex?
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Oh, you know what? We should go.
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No. We are having a conversation here.
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And besides, the sex was not that good.
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Oh, it was that good.
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It wasn’t that good.
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Please, I beg you. Let us go.
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You can go. I’m kind of into it.
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Like, it’s like a dirty Downton Abbey.
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So why are you still standing there
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giving me those sad, cow eyes
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in that brown velure.
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Because it’s a good look on me.
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And because I’m waiting for you to admit that you came here
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because you miss the sex.
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I miss summers in Minsk.
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I miss smoking in hospitals.
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But I don’t miss the sex.
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Fine, then. What would you like to eat?
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I’ll have my usual sausage.
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Ok, ding. It’s ready.
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Max’s homemade cupcakes.
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Max’s delicious homemade cupcakes
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- Let’s move this along. Max’s homemade cupcakes. - Max.
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come on. Could you at least try and have a better attitude at the crafts fair?
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I was doing fine until my hair got gang feather by that girl from that church of good vibes.
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Hi!
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I’m from the Funnel Cake booth back there
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and your little table is sadder than watching the notebook at a funeral.
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Hey Dutch girl,
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why don’t you go stick your finger in a dyke.
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I’m sure you can find one over near the plus sized in them.
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Max, please. We are all business woman here.
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Yeah. Some of us wearing table cloth on their heads.
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Just so you know they make shift tables cause we are just starting out.
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We’ve only been in business eight months.
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Heidi, how long have we been funneling?
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Everyday 24-7 for the past three months.
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And we already have a booth.
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Yeah we do.
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I have to say you girls really take the fun out of funnel.
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Actually we put the fun in the funnel.
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See? You can’t start "funnel" without "fun".
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Or FU.
102
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Three months and they’ve already had a booth. We’re behind.
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Max’s homemade cupcakes.
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Take this!
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See? Success!
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Scaring people into participating isn’t success.
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It's Scientology.
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Calling Sophie we’re taking that job.
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You'd better have a good reason you’re late,
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because I managed to get here on time despite removing the disease pigeon feathers from my hair.
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I do.
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So today when we were cleaning up that apartment and I had my hands in a total stranger’s toilet,
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I realized if we’re really gonna be successful, we’ve got to think outside the bull.
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So after I thoroughly washed my hands,
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I know they never really come off though, right?
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Off your soul, I mean.
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I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job.
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And it’s in Manhattan. It’s the first birthday party for the son of a socialite.
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60 cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Up top.
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Buttercream?
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This is not the response I was expecting from my business partner.
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I was expecting wooo! Awesome job! Thumbs up, buddy.
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Why? Is your business partner on a show of Nicklodeon?
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Look I don’t do buttercream.
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Buttercream is a bitch.
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If it doesn’t stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage.
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Max we have to take this job, it’s the next step for us,
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cause all we’re doing these days is cleaning apartment and working at the diner.
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That’s not all I’m doing. I also babysit for Peach.
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Oh, Peach is fine with it.
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Why would Peach be fine with it?
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Look I was gonna tell you this after the Nickelodeon high five
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but that didn’t happen and I got thrown.
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Peach is the connection I used to get us the party.
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You called Peach without asking me and begged her for a job?
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I didn’t beg. I ask her if she knew anybody who could use us
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and she was more than happy to recommend us for her friend Constance.
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No way I’m not comfortable with this.
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Sometimes you have to do things that make you uncomfortable.
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It’s the way you grow.
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No it’s the way you get a ride home from a keger in the woods.
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*Max
Max.
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Max Max I’m sorry but we can’t turn into those people who work and work
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just to pay their bill don’t have any time to pursue their dreams.
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You mean Americans?
146
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I’m telling Peach tomorrow we’re not doing it. Now go get some milk.
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No problem cause that’s what waitresses do and
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apparently that’s all we’ll ever be.
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What?
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I have to prove the sex was not that good.
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Oleg on the food?
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Don't say it like that,
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That ham was already glaced before we go there.
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So I am guessing you are back together?
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Oh no no, the sex was not that good.
156
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Oh, it was that good.
157
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I went to get Mayo,
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and it all happened so fast.
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Ok babies, give me fashion, give me a face, yea.
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Peach, I don’t know what’s going on in your apartment,
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but I would like it on the record:
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I’m not a willing accomplice.
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So what is going on here?
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Well, Brad is giving us seduction like his name sake
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and Angelina is giving us nothing like her name sake.
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This is pretty fancy set up, were the kids nominated for an Oscar?
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Best performance by twins in a ridiculous situation?
168
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It’s a photo spread for my new mummy blog,
169
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I’m calling it Mummy and Me. Isn’t that clever?
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And original.
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I had a blog since my friend Constance started her blog,
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we both have blogs and we both have babies.
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Only her babies are adopted from Africa.
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She will be winning if I didn’t have two from a poor white hell billy thuggery.
175
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About your friend Constance, I think I was supposed to do a party for her.
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Max, please don’t screw this up because I hate her and I need her to love me.
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Yea, here is the thing. Thank you,
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but Caroline should never have called you and asked you for a favor.
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I’m not comfortable asking to do that.
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But I did it for you.
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And now you will do that for me.
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And Max this has to go swimmingly
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which is a new word I just learned.
184
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So you are saying I can’t get out of it?
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I’m saying: Max, you can’t get out of it.
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Max, still not talking to me because of the Peach thing?
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Fine.
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Those are some pretty bad ass buttercream cupcakes,
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ain't no drama going on in that box!
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Ok, I just went gangster, and not even a smile?
191
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What? Are you planning to never talk to me again?
192
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You nodded, if you were deaf that would be talking.
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That’s true, my brother is deaf,
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not from birth, from firecrackers.
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Relax, we still have time.
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Ten more minutes on the train and a 15-minute walk.
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The buttercreams are not gonna melt.
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- Some people just like to create non-verbal drama. - En huh.
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Attention passengers.
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- There is an obstruction up on the track ahead. - No.
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I bet someone jumped in front of the train.
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Oh my God, what a tragedy,
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the buttercream!
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Attention passengers.
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We apologize for this delay.
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There is still an obstruction on the tracks ahead.
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It’s totally like a body.
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They can’t get it off and what not.
209
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We should be moving shortly.
210
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What is with this guy? He said that 20 minutes ago.
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How are your cupcakes? Mine are getting a little loose.
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Still? Still not talking?
213
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Fine, Max. Now I’m not talking neither.
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What is with her? She said that 20 minutes ago, too.
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And she just keeps talking.
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I know, right?
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We probably hit the body.
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So it is all up in the wheeling and what not.
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Well, if there is what not under our wheels, and I don’t get these cupcakes there,
220
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I’m going to lose my babysitting job.
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- Are we babysitters or bakers? - I was talking to him.
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Stay out of this.
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Nina,
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if you two are bakers, maybe you should break up some of those cupcakes,
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so we all don’t starve.
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No one is touching these cupcakes.
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Our entire future is riding on these mothers.
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I think I’m smelling like a, like a dead body smell.
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Miss, you are making things so much worse in here.
230
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Are you telling me you don’t smell that?
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It’s like when my sister burned herself throwing firecrackers at my brother’s ear.
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This train is out of service.
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We are approximately two blocks away from the next station.
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We’re gonna have to take you on foot.
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Please form a single line and we will escort you to safety.
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We are gonna walk?
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They expect me to walk through a subway tunnel in heels?
238
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Hey everybody I think we know who we are gonna eat first.
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My god, it’s so hot up in here. It’s like 200 degrees.
240
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If I faint and fall down,
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the others rats will like eat me and what not.
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Rats? Max, are there rats?
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It’s a subway. The floor is made of rats,
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but you really have to worry about, the ninja turtles.
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Thank you for responding.
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Hold up.
247
00:13:46,030 --> 00:13:48,830
I’m telling you right now. If I lose my babysitting job over this,
248
00:13:48,830 --> 00:13:51,430
the rats would be the better option for you.
249
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:54,160
We are only two blocks from the station. We can still make it.
250
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,980
How are your cupcakes?
251
00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,770
They are still holding together.
252
00:13:59,770 --> 00:14:02,050
Like us. We are still holding together.
253
00:14:02,390 --> 00:14:05,970
Geez, come on, don’t bring gal. Less talk more walk.
254
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:08,380
Folks, It’s a bit of gap here.
255
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,100
A gap? There can’t be a gap. Why is there a gap?
256
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,450
Because people need reasonably price basics.
257
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,320
I’m gonna hop across and help the rest of you over.
258
00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:23,206
Hey miss, you are next.
259
00:14:23,206 --> 00:14:25,117
I put the line on, just grab it.
260
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:27,873
You know how many times I heard that from a guy in the tunnel?
261
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,960
Hey, just take these.
262
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,150
Careful, sir, it’s buttercream!
263
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,520
I'm throwing you my purse. Here it comes.
264
00:14:42,010 --> 00:14:43,870
Thank you. Right. Thank you.
265
00:14:43,870 --> 00:14:45,250
Ok, miss, you next.
266
00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:47,250
Hand me over the cupcakes and jump.
267
00:14:49,090 --> 00:14:50,662
I can’t. I’m terrified.
268
00:14:50,662 --> 00:14:52,875
What if I fall? The rats will eat me.
269
00:14:52,875 --> 00:14:54,100
I can never come back from that.
270
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:55,711
Bankruptcy? Yes. Rats? No.
271
00:14:55,711 --> 00:14:56,973
"Hey Caroline, where are your toes?"
272
00:14:56,973 --> 00:14:58,972
"Well, it’s a long story."
273
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,446
Girl, if you fall that third rail,
274
00:15:00,446 --> 00:15:03,181
it will fry you way before the rats get there.
275
00:15:03,181 --> 00:15:06,244
Listen, Mariah, you are freaking me out.
276
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,460
If we're lucky, the rats will eat your mouth.
277
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:14,230
Caroline, it’s ok. It’s just a step. Take the step.
278
00:15:14,590 --> 00:15:16,060
Hold these.
279
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,200
Come on, I’m right here.
280
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,670
I took the step, now you have to take the step.
281
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,650
That’s right. You did. I do.
282
00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:25,727
Here we go.
283
00:15:25,727 --> 00:15:27,571
Back up everybody. Yea!
284
00:15:27,571 --> 00:15:29,916
Go Caroline, go Caroline, go.
285
00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:32,199
Go Caroline, go Caroline, go.
286
00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:35,183
Go Caroline, go Caroline, ahhhhhhh!
287
00:15:35,183 --> 00:15:37,680
I saw a rat. We made eye contact.
288
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:41,520
You know what? It would probably be easier if took those heels off.
289
00:15:42,010 --> 00:15:44,251
Sir, that is never going to happen.
290
00:15:44,251 --> 00:15:45,521
We are in Manhattan.
291
00:15:45,620 --> 00:15:48,670
I may be under it but I’m still in it.
292
00:15:48,670 --> 00:15:50,152
And when they pull out my half-eaten body,
293
00:15:50,152 --> 00:15:53,530
I will be wearing my heels.
294
00:15:58,230 --> 00:15:59,002
Mariah?
295
00:15:59,002 --> 00:16:01,536
Why? I only have one.
296
00:16:01,536 --> 00:16:02,197
What are you gonna do?
297
00:16:02,197 --> 00:16:05,204
Jump back over and do something and whatnot?
298
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,040
Constance, we're sorry, we are late.
299
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,630
I don't wait. I don't wait for anything.
300
00:16:12,630 --> 00:16:14,980
I already have the iPhone 8.
301
00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:17,670
Sorry, we couldn't help it. We were trapped on the subway.
302
00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:19,690
Well, just put some cupcakes on a plate
303
00:16:19,690 --> 00:16:23,470
cause I got a roomful of women out there who need to cut something in half
304
00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:27,440
and then eat the other half, and they need to do it now!
305
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:32,090
Welcome back to Manhattan. How do they look?
306
00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:35,400
Like they all had unprotected sex with each other?
307
00:16:36,890 --> 00:16:40,740
Oh, how are you two? I'm looking for the babies, I'm about just ten seconds I'm just giving up.
308
00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:44,530
- Peach, there is a problem with the cupcakes. - There can't be.
309
00:16:44,530 --> 00:16:47,720
Constance will kill me, literally. Her last two best friends went missing.
310
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,760
That is not attractive at all.
311
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,440
Is... is that what food looks like?
312
00:16:56,510 --> 00:17:00,030
Why are there no cupcakes out? If you two work for me, I deport you.
313
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:05,840
There is a bit of cupcake situation. The buttercream sort of broke down on the way up.
314
00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:09,670
It's not a problem, we can fix it.
315
00:17:09,670 --> 00:17:13,110
I'll just run to a delly get what we need to touch them up and no one's the wiser.
316
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:17,800
And I take the full responsibility. My partner warned me that buttercream was a bitch.
317
00:17:18,730 --> 00:17:21,080
I'm not being rude, that's technical baking term.
318
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,140
You expect me to pay 300 dollars for these?
319
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:28,330
Caroline Channing, I have to say that you're a bigger con artist than your father.
320
00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:32,050
Then I have to say you're a bigger bitch than the buttercream.
321
00:17:33,290 --> 00:17:35,550
I'm not your boss, so I can't hit you.
322
00:17:38,070 --> 00:17:40,610
But I'm sure that Peach won't be your boss much longer either.
323
00:17:41,420 --> 00:17:42,380
Right, Peach?
324
00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:44,000
But I love Max.
325
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,370
She's been with me since I bought the twins.
326
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,900
I can't live without her.
327
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,660
You are never coming to another one of my parties.
328
00:17:50,660 --> 00:17:51,880
Max, you're fired.
329
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:02,510
It's my fault. You lost your babysitting job, and I feel awful.
330
00:18:02,550 --> 00:18:05,230
Hey, I'm the one who call that bitch a "bitch".
331
00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:08,410
And I'm gonna write those awesome films right up until we got evicted.
332
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,980
Why can't you just admit that the sex was that good?
333
00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:19,020
You know it, I know it, the ham with the bite marks in the freezer knows it.
334
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,460
Ok, fine. The sex was that good,
335
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,460
as was the ham.
336
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:30,700
It was that good because it was more than just sex.
337
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:32,100
It was love.
338
00:18:32,590 --> 00:18:35,790
Oh... it is not love.
339
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,830
Oh, it is love.
340
00:18:37,830 --> 00:18:41,070
Oh... it is not love.
341
00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:44,990
It was dirty, disgusting sex.
342
00:18:47,230 --> 00:18:49,540
Yes, it was.
343
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:56,770
Oleg, do you really love Sophie?
344
00:18:56,770 --> 00:19:00,120
Yes, I do. And one day I will kiss her.
345
00:19:00,630 --> 00:19:03,000
Her lips will be mine.
346
00:19:03,790 --> 00:19:05,920
Wait, you never kissed her?
347
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,190
Not on the lips of her face.
348
00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:15,130
But that day will come.
349
00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:20,250
Man, I can't believe that I'm actually saying this,
350
00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:23,340
but that is pretty freaking romantic.
351
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,920
I'm looking for Max, I think her last name is "Black".
352
00:19:29,810 --> 00:19:32,070
Oh, sorry, maybe it's "African American"?
353
00:19:34,530 --> 00:19:37,730
You think her name is "Max African American"?
354
00:19:38,650 --> 00:19:41,190
Peach, what're you doing here? Who's with the twins?
355
00:19:41,190 --> 00:19:43,200
They're in the car, don't worry,
356
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,920
I rolled up the windows and locked the doors, so they're safe.
357
00:19:47,940 --> 00:19:51,220
Max, I'm sorry for pretending to fire you in front of the Constance.
358
00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:53,270
Pretended? That felt pretty real.
359
00:19:53,270 --> 00:19:57,800
Yeah, I'm good. My fake orgasms are so real even I believe them.
360
00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:02,360
Peach, this is all my fault. Please give Max her job back.
361
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,950
That's why I'm here. Max, come back, I need you to watch them tomorrow,
362
00:20:06,270 --> 00:20:07,680
and then everyday.
363
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:11,010
Peach, I don't think I can work for you tomorrow,
364
00:20:11,450 --> 00:20:12,590
or any other day.
365
00:20:13,450 --> 00:20:15,180
We have to focus on our business.
366
00:20:16,150 --> 00:20:18,300
Max, are you sure you're comfortable with this?
367
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:21,040
No, I'm not comfortable, but that's the point, right?