You Just Hold It in Your Hand Like This, and Say

00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:04,070

How could ketchup get this hard?

00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:06,420

You just hold it in your hand like this, and say

00:00:06,420 --> 00:00:08,940

You are the biggest ketchup I’ve ever had.

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Hey, everybody. I got it, I got it.

00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:17,020

Don’t panic. At least you caught it in the early stage.

00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:20,840

No, I got the papers so we can see if our ticket win the lottery.

00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,840

120 million dollars.

00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:26,050

Fine. If we win, I will get an eighth of my trust fund back.

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Come on. Now, who’s got our ticket?

00:00:28,670 --> 00:00:30,990

I’ve got the ticket. I put it here.

00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:32,990

I figured it’s for everybody else gets lucky.

00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:35,890

By the way, if we win,

00:00:35,890 --> 00:00:39,970

I’m gonna buy a condo right next to Great Adventure and go there everyday drunk.

00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,020

Also put a soda fridge in my garage for show.

00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:47,310

Earl, what are you gonna do with your share if we win?

00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:49,890

Well, I’ll get out of this club chop as fast as I can,

00:00:49,890 --> 00:00:52,390

and set me up with some kind of Hugh Hefner situation.

00:00:55,090 --> 00:00:56,900

Here we go, for the big money.

00:00:57,170 --> 00:00:59,380

Woo. If I win, hello Netflix subscription.

00:01:00,670 --> 00:01:03,580

We need a six, a ten, a five, a 12 and a nine.

00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:05,580

And the first number is…6!

00:01:08,450 --> 00:01:10,550

And the second number is 47.

00:01:12,770 --> 00:01:15,630

Good thing I didn’t pay my share of the tickets yet, suckers!

00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:22,370

2 Broke Girls S01E22 subtitles

Created by

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2 Broke Girls S01E22 subtitles

Created by

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Before I forget, I printed up more of our cupcake business cards

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So we can hand them out at the Williamsburg crafts fair.

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Oh, can’t wait

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Me and you handing out free cupcakes

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stuck between hipsters selling crochet

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iPad sleeves and salt peppers and salt pepper shakers.

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We are not just giving them away for free. It’s marketing.

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One person eats it and spreads it around their friends.

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So we are herpes.

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Hello, Sophie.

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If you looked any sweeter, you would fire up my diabetes.

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Oh, Earl. You wouldn’t be the first man to lose a limo over me.

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Sophie, I’m surprised to see you in here.

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Stutter buzz says you and Oleg are no longer together.

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Wow, this little girl likes to gossip. Yes?

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Won't you scutter your little butt over there

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and get me the menu the way you are supposed to?

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Hey, Max, Caroline.

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Come see me in my booth.

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Are we over here so Oleg can’t see you through the kitchen window?

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What is this? Diner or back issue of Cosmopolitan magazines?

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I grew up reading Cosmo.

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I mean, what a six-year-old doesn't need to know? The hidden male erogenous zones.

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It’s the nipples, the end.

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I came to give you girls a cleaning job tomorrow.

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We can’t tomorrow. We are doing the crafts fair.

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We are turning down a real paying job to go to the crap fair?

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Yes, it’s important that we focus on the cupcake business.

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And you can’t spell "focus" without "us".

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Or FU.

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Hello, Sophie.

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Hello, Oleg.

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So, do you miss the sex?

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Oh, you know what? We should go.

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No. We are having a conversation here.

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And besides, the sex was not that good.

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Oh, it was that good.

00:03:25,750 --> 00:03:27,230

It wasn’t that good.

00:03:27,230 --> 00:03:29,230

Please, I beg you. Let us go.

00:03:29,230 --> 00:03:31,230

You can go. I’m kind of into it.

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Like, it’s like a dirty Downton Abbey.

00:03:36,110 --> 00:03:37,760

So why are you still standing there

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giving me those sad, cow eyes

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in that brown velure.

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Because it’s a good look on me.

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And because I’m waiting for you to admit that you came here

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because you miss the sex.

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I miss summers in Minsk.

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I miss smoking in hospitals.

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But I don’t miss the sex.

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Fine, then. What would you like to eat?

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I’ll have my usual sausage.

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Ok, ding. It’s ready.

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Max’s homemade cupcakes.

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Max’s delicious homemade cupcakes

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- Let’s move this along. Max’s homemade cupcakes. - Max.

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come on. Could you at least try and have a better attitude at the crafts fair?

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I was doing fine until my hair got gang feather by that girl from that church of good vibes.

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Hi!

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I’m from the Funnel Cake booth back there

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and your little table is sadder than watching the notebook at a funeral.

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Hey Dutch girl,

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why don’t you go stick your finger in a dyke.

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I’m sure you can find one over near the plus sized in them.

00:05:10,550 --> 00:05:13,070

Max, please. We are all business woman here.

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Yeah. Some of us wearing table cloth on their heads.

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Just so you know they make shift tables cause we are just starting out.

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We’ve only been in business eight months.

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Heidi, how long have we been funneling?

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Everyday 24-7 for the past three months.

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And we already have a booth.

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Yeah we do.

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I have to say you girls really take the fun out of funnel.

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Actually we put the fun in the funnel.

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See? You can’t start "funnel" without "fun".

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Or FU.

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Three months and they’ve already had a booth. We’re behind.

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Max’s homemade cupcakes.

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Take this!

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See? Success!

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Scaring people into participating isn’t success.

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It's Scientology.

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Calling Sophie we’re taking that job.

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You'd better have a good reason you’re late,

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because I managed to get here on time despite removing the disease pigeon feathers from my hair.

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I do.

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So today when we were cleaning up that apartment and I had my hands in a total stranger’s toilet,

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I realized if we’re really gonna be successful, we’ve got to think outside the bull.

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So after I thoroughly washed my hands,

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I know they never really come off though, right?

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Off your soul, I mean.

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I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job.

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And it’s in Manhattan. It’s the first birthday party for the son of a socialite.

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60 cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Up top.

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Buttercream?

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This is not the response I was expecting from my business partner.

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I was expecting wooo! Awesome job! Thumbs up, buddy.

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Why? Is your business partner on a show of Nicklodeon?

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Look I don’t do buttercream.

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Buttercream is a bitch.

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If it doesn’t stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage.

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Max we have to take this job, it’s the next step for us,

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cause all we’re doing these days is cleaning apartment and working at the diner.

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That’s not all I’m doing. I also babysit for Peach.

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Oh, Peach is fine with it.

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Why would Peach be fine with it?

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Look I was gonna tell you this after the Nickelodeon high five

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but that didn’t happen and I got thrown.

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Peach is the connection I used to get us the party.

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You called Peach without asking me and begged her for a job?

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I didn’t beg. I ask her if she knew anybody who could use us

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and she was more than happy to recommend us for her friend Constance.

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No way I’m not comfortable with this.

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Sometimes you have to do things that make you uncomfortable.

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It’s the way you grow.

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No it’s the way you get a ride home from a keger in the woods.

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*Max

Max.

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Max Max I’m sorry but we can’t turn into those people who work and work

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just to pay their bill don’t have any time to pursue their dreams.

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You mean Americans?

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I’m telling Peach tomorrow we’re not doing it. Now go get some milk.

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No problem cause that’s what waitresses do and

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apparently that’s all we’ll ever be.

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What?

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I have to prove the sex was not that good.

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Oleg on the food?

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Don't say it like that,

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That ham was already glaced before we go there.

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So I am guessing you are back together?

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Oh no no, the sex was not that good.

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Oh, it was that good.

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I went to get Mayo,

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and it all happened so fast.

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Ok babies, give me fashion, give me a face, yea.

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Peach, I don’t know what’s going on in your apartment,

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but I would like it on the record:

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I’m not a willing accomplice.

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So what is going on here?

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Well, Brad is giving us seduction like his name sake

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and Angelina is giving us nothing like her name sake.

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This is pretty fancy set up, were the kids nominated for an Oscar?

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Best performance by twins in a ridiculous situation?

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It’s a photo spread for my new mummy blog,

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I’m calling it Mummy and Me. Isn’t that clever?

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And original.

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I had a blog since my friend Constance started her blog,

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we both have blogs and we both have babies.

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Only her babies are adopted from Africa.

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She will be winning if I didn’t have two from a poor white hell billy thuggery.

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About your friend Constance, I think I was supposed to do a party for her.

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Max, please don’t screw this up because I hate her and I need her to love me.

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Yea, here is the thing. Thank you,

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but Caroline should never have called you and asked you for a favor.

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I’m not comfortable asking to do that.

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But I did it for you.

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And now you will do that for me.

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And Max this has to go swimmingly

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which is a new word I just learned.

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So you are saying I can’t get out of it?

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I’m saying: Max, you can’t get out of it.

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Max, still not talking to me because of the Peach thing?

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Fine.

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Those are some pretty bad ass buttercream cupcakes,

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ain't no drama going on in that box!

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Ok, I just went gangster, and not even a smile?

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What? Are you planning to never talk to me again?

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You nodded, if you were deaf that would be talking.

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That’s true, my brother is deaf,

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not from birth, from firecrackers.

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Relax, we still have time.

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Ten more minutes on the train and a 15-minute walk.

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The buttercreams are not gonna melt.

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- Some people just like to create non-verbal drama. - En huh.

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Attention passengers.

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- There is an obstruction up on the track ahead. - No.

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I bet someone jumped in front of the train.

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Oh my God, what a tragedy,

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the buttercream!

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Attention passengers.

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We apologize for this delay.

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There is still an obstruction on the tracks ahead.

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It’s totally like a body.

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They can’t get it off and what not.

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We should be moving shortly.

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What is with this guy? He said that 20 minutes ago.

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How are your cupcakes? Mine are getting a little loose.

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Still? Still not talking?

213

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Fine, Max. Now I’m not talking neither.

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What is with her? She said that 20 minutes ago, too.

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And she just keeps talking.

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I know, right?

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We probably hit the body.

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So it is all up in the wheeling and what not.

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Well, if there is what not under our wheels, and I don’t get these cupcakes there,

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I’m going to lose my babysitting job.

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- Are we babysitters or bakers? - I was talking to him.

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Stay out of this.

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Nina,

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if you two are bakers, maybe you should break up some of those cupcakes,

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so we all don’t starve.

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No one is touching these cupcakes.

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Our entire future is riding on these mothers.

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I think I’m smelling like a, like a dead body smell.

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Miss, you are making things so much worse in here.

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Are you telling me you don’t smell that?

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It’s like when my sister burned herself throwing firecrackers at my brother’s ear.

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This train is out of service.

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We are approximately two blocks away from the next station.

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We’re gonna have to take you on foot.

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Please form a single line and we will escort you to safety.

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We are gonna walk?

237

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They expect me to walk through a subway tunnel in heels?

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Hey everybody I think we know who we are gonna eat first.

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My god, it’s so hot up in here. It’s like 200 degrees.

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If I faint and fall down,

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the others rats will like eat me and what not.

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Rats? Max, are there rats?

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It’s a subway. The floor is made of rats,

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but you really have to worry about, the ninja turtles.

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Thank you for responding.

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Hold up.

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I’m telling you right now. If I lose my babysitting job over this,

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the rats would be the better option for you.

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We are only two blocks from the station. We can still make it.

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How are your cupcakes?

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They are still holding together.

252

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Like us. We are still holding together.

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Geez, come on, don’t bring gal. Less talk more walk.

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Folks, It’s a bit of gap here.

255

00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,100

A gap? There can’t be a gap. Why is there a gap?

256

00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,450

Because people need reasonably price basics.

257

00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,320

I’m gonna hop across and help the rest of you over.

258

00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:23,206

Hey miss, you are next.

259

00:14:23,206 --> 00:14:25,117

I put the line on, just grab it.

260

00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:27,873

You know how many times I heard that from a guy in the tunnel?

261

00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,960

Hey, just take these.

262

00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,150

Careful, sir, it’s buttercream!

263

00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,520

I'm throwing you my purse. Here it comes.

264

00:14:42,010 --> 00:14:43,870

Thank you. Right. Thank you.

265

00:14:43,870 --> 00:14:45,250

Ok, miss, you next.

266

00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:47,250

Hand me over the cupcakes and jump.

267

00:14:49,090 --> 00:14:50,662

I can’t. I’m terrified.

268

00:14:50,662 --> 00:14:52,875

What if I fall? The rats will eat me.

269

00:14:52,875 --> 00:14:54,100

I can never come back from that.

270

00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:55,711

Bankruptcy? Yes. Rats? No.

271

00:14:55,711 --> 00:14:56,973

"Hey Caroline, where are your toes?"

272

00:14:56,973 --> 00:14:58,972

"Well, it’s a long story."

273

00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,446

Girl, if you fall that third rail,

274

00:15:00,446 --> 00:15:03,181

it will fry you way before the rats get there.

275

00:15:03,181 --> 00:15:06,244

Listen, Mariah, you are freaking me out.

276

00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,460

If we're lucky, the rats will eat your mouth.

277

00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:14,230

Caroline, it’s ok. It’s just a step. Take the step.

278

00:15:14,590 --> 00:15:16,060

Hold these.

279

00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,200

Come on, I’m right here.

280

00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,670

I took the step, now you have to take the step.

281

00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,650

That’s right. You did. I do.

282

00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:25,727

Here we go.

283

00:15:25,727 --> 00:15:27,571

Back up everybody. Yea!

284

00:15:27,571 --> 00:15:29,916

Go Caroline, go Caroline, go.

285

00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:32,199

Go Caroline, go Caroline, go.

286

00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:35,183

Go Caroline, go Caroline, ahhhhhhh!

287

00:15:35,183 --> 00:15:37,680

I saw a rat. We made eye contact.

288

00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:41,520

You know what? It would probably be easier if took those heels off.

289

00:15:42,010 --> 00:15:44,251

Sir, that is never going to happen.

290

00:15:44,251 --> 00:15:45,521

We are in Manhattan.

291

00:15:45,620 --> 00:15:48,670

I may be under it but I’m still in it.

292

00:15:48,670 --> 00:15:50,152

And when they pull out my half-eaten body,

293

00:15:50,152 --> 00:15:53,530

I will be wearing my heels.

294

00:15:58,230 --> 00:15:59,002

Mariah?

295

00:15:59,002 --> 00:16:01,536

Why? I only have one.

296

00:16:01,536 --> 00:16:02,197

What are you gonna do?

297

00:16:02,197 --> 00:16:05,204

Jump back over and do something and whatnot?

298

00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,040

Constance, we're sorry, we are late.

299

00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,630

I don't wait. I don't wait for anything.

300

00:16:12,630 --> 00:16:14,980

I already have the iPhone 8.

301

00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:17,670

Sorry, we couldn't help it. We were trapped on the subway.

302

00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:19,690

Well, just put some cupcakes on a plate

303

00:16:19,690 --> 00:16:23,470

cause I got a roomful of women out there who need to cut something in half

304

00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:27,440

and then eat the other half, and they need to do it now!

305

00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:32,090

Welcome back to Manhattan. How do they look?

306

00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:35,400

Like they all had unprotected sex with each other?

307

00:16:36,890 --> 00:16:40,740

Oh, how are you two? I'm looking for the babies, I'm about just ten seconds I'm just giving up.

308

00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:44,530

- Peach, there is a problem with the cupcakes. - There can't be.

309

00:16:44,530 --> 00:16:47,720

Constance will kill me, literally. Her last two best friends went missing.

310

00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,760

That is not attractive at all.

311

00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,440

Is... is that what food looks like?

312

00:16:56,510 --> 00:17:00,030

Why are there no cupcakes out? If you two work for me, I deport you.

313

00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:05,840

There is a bit of cupcake situation. The buttercream sort of broke down on the way up.

314

00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:09,670

It's not a problem, we can fix it.

315

00:17:09,670 --> 00:17:13,110

I'll just run to a delly get what we need to touch them up and no one's the wiser.

316

00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:17,800

And I take the full responsibility. My partner warned me that buttercream was a bitch.

317

00:17:18,730 --> 00:17:21,080

I'm not being rude, that's technical baking term.

318

00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,140

You expect me to pay 300 dollars for these?

319

00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:28,330

Caroline Channing, I have to say that you're a bigger con artist than your father.

320

00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:32,050

Then I have to say you're a bigger bitch than the buttercream.

321

00:17:33,290 --> 00:17:35,550

I'm not your boss, so I can't hit you.

322

00:17:38,070 --> 00:17:40,610

But I'm sure that Peach won't be your boss much longer either.

323

00:17:41,420 --> 00:17:42,380

Right, Peach?

324

00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:44,000

But I love Max.

325

00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,370

She's been with me since I bought the twins.

326

00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,900

I can't live without her.

327

00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,660

You are never coming to another one of my parties.

328

00:17:50,660 --> 00:17:51,880

Max, you're fired.

329

00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:02,510

It's my fault. You lost your babysitting job, and I feel awful.

330

00:18:02,550 --> 00:18:05,230

Hey, I'm the one who call that bitch a "bitch".

331

00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:08,410

And I'm gonna write those awesome films right up until we got evicted.

332

00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,980

Why can't you just admit that the sex was that good?

333

00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:19,020

You know it, I know it, the ham with the bite marks in the freezer knows it.

334

00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,460

Ok, fine. The sex was that good,

335

00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,460

as was the ham.

336

00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:30,700

It was that good because it was more than just sex.

337

00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:32,100

It was love.

338

00:18:32,590 --> 00:18:35,790

Oh... it is not love.

339

00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,830

Oh, it is love.

340

00:18:37,830 --> 00:18:41,070

Oh... it is not love.

341

00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:44,990

It was dirty, disgusting sex.

342

00:18:47,230 --> 00:18:49,540

Yes, it was.

343

00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:56,770

Oleg, do you really love Sophie?

344

00:18:56,770 --> 00:19:00,120

Yes, I do. And one day I will kiss her.

345

00:19:00,630 --> 00:19:03,000

Her lips will be mine.

346

00:19:03,790 --> 00:19:05,920

Wait, you never kissed her?

347

00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,190

Not on the lips of her face.

348

00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:15,130

But that day will come.

349

00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:20,250

Man, I can't believe that I'm actually saying this,

350

00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:23,340

but that is pretty freaking romantic.

351

00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,920

I'm looking for Max, I think her last name is "Black".

352

00:19:29,810 --> 00:19:32,070

Oh, sorry, maybe it's "African American"?

353

00:19:34,530 --> 00:19:37,730

You think her name is "Max African American"?

354

00:19:38,650 --> 00:19:41,190

Peach, what're you doing here? Who's with the twins?

355

00:19:41,190 --> 00:19:43,200

They're in the car, don't worry,

356

00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,920

I rolled up the windows and locked the doors, so they're safe.

357

00:19:47,940 --> 00:19:51,220

Max, I'm sorry for pretending to fire you in front of the Constance.

358

00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:53,270

Pretended? That felt pretty real.

359

00:19:53,270 --> 00:19:57,800

Yeah, I'm good. My fake orgasms are so real even I believe them.

360

00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:02,360

Peach, this is all my fault. Please give Max her job back.

361

00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,950

That's why I'm here. Max, come back, I need you to watch them tomorrow,

362

00:20:06,270 --> 00:20:07,680

and then everyday.

363

00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:11,010

Peach, I don't think I can work for you tomorrow,

364

00:20:11,450 --> 00:20:12,590

or any other day.

365

00:20:13,450 --> 00:20:15,180

We have to focus on our business.

366

00:20:16,150 --> 00:20:18,300

Max, are you sure you're comfortable with this?

367

00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:21,040

No, I'm not comfortable, but that's the point, right?