You are the Hero of this Story
I wish I didn’t have to write this. I wish that the world was free from the hurt you must be feeling and the pain you’re dealing with. I wish that you were okay, that you felt happy and whole and safe. But the reality is, you don’t. The world is cruel and, right now, your shoulders are bruised by what this cruel earth has heaped upon them. Your eyes are dim and your spirits likewise. But I am here today solely for the purpose to tell you that you don’t need to carry this any longer. I am here to tell you that living is an option. And so, though it grieves me that these words must be said, I will say them. Because I want you to live.
I don’t know you. I don’t know what your situation is, where you come from, why you feel like you’ve had enough. But I don’t need to. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re the quiet kid sitting alone at lunch, hunched over your sandwich and trying not to let anyone see you cry. Nor does it matter to me if you’re considered popular and you go to every party with a smile on your face with nothing but pain beneath it. I don’t care if you’re rich, poor, religious, atheist, black, white, Asian, Latino, gay, straight, male or female. There could be scores of things that are making you feel this way. It could be that someone who you have loved has left this world by their own hands. It could be that something in your life is causing you so much stress that you can barely get up in the mornings. You could have been swallowing more alcohol than you had planned or smoked more than you had imagined and now you can’t find a way out of the addictions you’ve fallen into. You could have made a mistake that people will always know you for. You could be unpopular, you could be bullied. And however tragic these things are, they don’t matter right now. Everything that you think defines you, that makes you less of a person, I do not care about. The only thing that I care about is what eats away at you when you’re alone. That monster that tells you that, for some reason, you’re not enough. That you’re worthless. I care about that because it breaks my heart that when that monster howls in your ears everyday, you believe it. But the truth is that it is a bold. faced. lie.
They have said it a thousand times. “It’ll get better”. But the heaviness that presses on your lungs tells you that it won’t. People tell you it’s just a phase. They tell you that they understand. I am not them. I am not going to pretend I know how you’re feeling. I’m not going to lie and say that I know what you’ve been through. But there is one thing I can tell you that you’ve heard over and over. I can tell you this with honesty and sincerity. You can get through this.
There is no clock to tell you when your happiness arrives. There is no map to show you where to find it. There is no object that will bring you peace. There is no person that will solve all your problems. You are overwhelmed with the fact that there are no black and white instructions, no certain path to follow, no guaranteed cure-all for the way that you’re feeling. You feel alone and that feeling crashes down on you in waves daily and knocks the breath out of you.
I want you to take a deep breath for me right this second.
Take as long as you need.
Now, listen. The reason you can’t find what you’re looking for is because it lies somewhere you’ve been too ashamed to look. And however cliche this may come across, it is still the truth.
Your help is within you.
You’ve been beaten down, you’ve been torn apart. You can barely move, your strength is so depleted. But there’s still some left. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here right now. You may think you’re a coward for not ending it. 1 in 12 teenagers have tried to end it all (Neal, Meghan) , but I am so very thankful that they and you are still here because there’s something everyone who has ever considered suicide needs to know. You are not a coward. You did not “fail” at suicide. You are a hero. You are courageous. You are a winner. You have succeeded at so much more because you are here and you are breathing and you are alive. There is that heroic ounce in you that is clinging desperately to everything you have. All it needs is to be ignited. Your bones are twigs in a bonfire, ready for not a flame but for a spark of courage and determination. In your darkness, you must bring about a light.
It’s going to be hard. It’ll be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I can see that monster inside, that liar who tells you you’re worthless, tightening its grip on you. You are frightened to move forward. The pain has become so frequent that you have found a friend in it. But it isn’t your friend. That depression that you feel that makes everyday seem more and more difficult is not your sole companion. It is your greatest enemy. To beat it, you have to tell yourself what I already know. You have to tell yourself that you deserve so much more. Now shake off that monster. Take a step into the light.
You’ve got to distract that beast inside. When it growls, you growl back. The silence will try to drown you, the stillness will try to swallow you whole as you are alone with the monster. You’ve got to fight back. You’ve got to be the hero. Pick up an instrument, pick up a pen, pick up a ball, pick up a brush, a camera, a book-- pick up things to immerse yourself in and drop the things that have tried to drown you.
You need to change. If your friends haven’t been there for you, drop them. If a family member has hurt you beyond repair and tells you that you deserve that, drop them. If anyone has ever demanded that you settle for being less than human, if anyone has ever made you feel like you were not worthy of love and kindness, and if anyone has ever treated you like you were anything less than extraordinary, I would like you to kick them to the curb without a second glance. Because you are the hero. This is your story and no one gets to write it for you.
Finally, the hardest part. You have to get help. We have been trained to think that help is for the weak and assistance is for the pathetic. These words are just the monster dragging you deeper into the darkness. Do not believe it. It takes a strong individual to admit they are broken. To deny help is to deny the chance of ever being fixed. To deny being fixed is to deny life, and to deny that is to deny the limitless possibilities that await you. Call someone. Tell someone you trust. Find friends. Lean on family. Join a community. Get support. Do everything you can to help yourself, pull yourself, drag yourself out of the jaws of that raging creature that has held onto you for far too long. You have to shout with all your strength to hear someone answer-- to know that you’re not alone.
I know that this maybe will not matter to you; that it’s all just a bunch of words. But here’s the one thing I want you to remember. The one thing that really counts. YOU MATTER. Everyone matters. Your story is vital. Your life is crucial. No one will ever know how you’ve hurt, how hard your life has been unless you survive it and live to tell the tale. Please share your story. But more importantly: Please keep writing it.
Citations
Neal, Meghan. "1 in 12 Teens Have Attempted Suicide: Report ." NY Daily News. NY Daily News, 9 June 2012. Web. 15 Apr. 2013.
"Suicide Prevention." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 15 Aug. 2012. Web. 15 Apr. 2013. <http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/youth_suicide.html>.