Women’s monologues
1. SHEILA from A Chorus Line
My mother … my mother was raised like a little nun. She couldn’t go out – she couldn’t even babysit. But she wanted to be a dancer and she had all these scholarships and all that. And when she got married, my father made her give it up. Isn’t this exciting? And then she had this daughter – me – and she made her what she wanted to be. And she was fabulous the way she did it … do you want to know how she did it? Well, first, she took me to see all the ballets. And then, she gave me her old toe shoes – which I used to run down the sidewalk in – on my toes. And then I saw The Red Shoes – and I wanted to be that lady, that redhead. And then, when she saw I really had to dance, she said, “You can’t do it until you’re eight.” Well by then, I was only six … and I said, “But I’ve GOT to dance.” I mean, anything to get out of the house.
2. SOPHIE from The Star-Spangled Girl
Excuse me. I have tried to be neighborly. I have tried to be friendly and I have tried to be cordial. I don’t know what it is you’re trying to be. I cannot accept gifts from a boy I hardly know. Especially canned goods. And I read your little note. I can get the gist of it even though I don’t speak Italian. This has got to stop. I can do very well without you leaving little chocolate-almond Hershey bars in my mailbox – they melted yesterday, and now we’ve got three gooey letters with nuts in them. And I can do without you tying big bottles of perfume to my cat’s tail. The poor thing kept swishing it yesterday and nearly beat herself to death. And most of all, I can certainly do without you watching me get on the bus every day through that high-powered telescope. You got me so nervous the other day, I got on the wrong bus. In short, and I don’t want to have to say this again, leave me a-lone!
3. CHRISTINE COLGATE from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Do you really think the therapy is working? That's wonderful. I'm sorry about the delay in paying your fee. I should have it by tomorrow; it just took longer than I thought to raise the money. The cash prize wasn't quite enough, so I had my father sell off the car, the furniture, and all the jewelry they gave me. (see confusion on Lawrence’s face) The Cash prize from the contest…. You know, I was selected as the American Soap Queen. That's how I'm on this all-expense-paid trip to Europe. No I am not really a soap queen, I just use their laundry detergent. I never expected to win but they said they really liked the way I rhymed 'cleansing cream' with 'fencing team. I really admire Sergeant Benson and want to do whatever I can to help him, But I am not selling everything I own. They gave me a year's supply of fabric softener, too. I'm keeping that. Well... goodnight
4. MURIEL UEBANKS from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Oh Hello, can you help me, I have spent the last five days trying to find the Prince's country on the map. Is it to the right or the left of the Alps? Oh. Anyway, I thought as long as I'm here I should pitch in. I'm a docent at our museum back home and minored in Art History, so I know a lot about these places….Or I just make it up. (as three more tourists enter, Muriel points to a painting) May I call your attention to the Rapture of Louise LeBoeuf. Following a brief career as a Gregorian Chanteuse, this poor peasant girl married the CEO of a major pharmaceutical company, and after eighteen years of devotion caught him with a dental hygienist half his age. Praying for guidance, she took him to the cleaners, had some work done, and voila! No It’s not her story it's mine, but that story works in every century ... Did His Highness receive my scarf? You know, I've been searching the papers, but there's not so much as a mention of the revolution…. If you'd like I can talk to some of the other women around town, rally the troops. You know I'm in charge of snacks for our neighborhood watch and telemarketing coach for our local PBS fund drive
5. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (woman in charge of mission) from Guys and Dolls
(speaking to Sky,–she starts as if you’d think she was going to be outraged but then is thrilled at the idea of it all)
Why Mister Masterson – are you saying that all these men are here because of gambling?! … Are you saying that you bet everyone here a roll of the dice against their souls?! … Are you saying that they all took your bet and you won their souls with a single roll of your dice?! … (pause as if contemplating it all) …well, - Mister Masterson … that’s WONDERFUL ! How extraordinary that the evils of gambling would bring so many sinners into our mission. Mister Masterson, - I thank you! (to Sarah) Sister Sarah, - I suggest you do the same.
6. MISS ADELAIDE from Guys and Dolls
(on the phone, she’s upset he’s breaking another date and she sounds like she has a bad cold)
Nathan, how can you expect me to believe what you’re sayin’, Nathan – it just don’t make any sense. How could you do it to me again, Nathan – I waited for 2 hours at the Hot Box Club! Mimsy and all the girls had dates and I was left there, all by myself with nothing but this book the doctor gave me. (*sneeze*) “haCHOOOO”! Ya see, he thinks my cold is all in my head – that its all because of psychology … (pause as if to hear Nathan say ‘that’s ridiculous’) … no its not, Nathan! Ya gotta hear what it says … (pause as if to hear him say ‘I gotta go, l’ll call ya later’) … ok, Nathan – call me later
7. SARAH BROWN from Guys and Dolls
(speaking to Sky Masterson, building in anger so start calm and work from there)
Mister Masterson! I’ll have you know that I am not the kind of ‘doll’ that runs off to Havana just to fill the mission with sinners. I am not the kind of ‘doll’ that can be seduced by a gambler. And I am not the kind of ‘doll’ that will help you win your bet with Nathan Detroit. (pause) You want to know what kind of a ‘doll’ I am ?!? (pause) I’m a Mission ‘doll’! And I don’t care if General Cartwright closes it all down, - I will NOT be lured by your lies ever again!! (pause, regain composure and return to calm) Good bye, Mister Masterson.
8. MISS ADELAIDE from Guys and Dolls
Besides, Nathan, I don't know what to do any more about Mother. (Pause)
- This is something I haven't told you, but my mother, back in Rhode Island,
she thinks that...that we are already married. (Pause)
Maybe because I wrote her that we were already married.- In Rhode Island people do not remain engaged for years.- They get married. Furthermore, after about two years..(stalling) - - I wrote that we had a baby. I had to, Nathan. Mother kept after me and after me and finally I just ran out of excuses. (Pause as she sees him getting angry and tries to soothe him) It was a boy. I named it after you, Nathan. He's in boarding school now. As a matter of fact, I wrote Mother that he won the football game last Saturday.
But, Nathan...That isn't all. We also have an Adelaide Junior. (Pause)
All these years, Nathan. Mother believes in big families, and...And we had such an early start. (Pause)The grand total? (sheepishly)- Five.
9. ANNIE OAKLEY from Annie Get Your Gun
Shore, I'll talk to him. I'll say: "What do ye want here, ye big swollen-headed stiff?
Git!" Then he'll say: "I jes' come out to meet you, honey." Then I'll say: "I don't want to
git met by you- git away from me! Take yer hands off'n me! I hate you!" Then he'll say:
"Now, honey..." Then I'll say: "Don't 'honey' me! You thought I double-crossed you-
thought I was tryin' to show ye up!" Then I'll continue: "When ye did find out that I only
done the trick to make ye love me, why didn't ye love me? Why did ye leave? Why didn't
ye write?" Then he'll say: "'Cause I was 'shamed -'sides not writin' don't mean somebody
don't love somebody!" [starts to soften]Then I'll say: "Jes' the same, ye could write."
Then he'll say: "Honey, I been eatin' my heart out fer you. Cain't work, cain't sleep."
[becomes softer] 'Course if'n he says that, I'm gonna hafter say: "I ain't slept much, too..."
[slower- and hoping] Then, by rights he oughta say: "Annie, we both jes' gotta git some
sleep... And I love ye so." Then I guess I won't be able to stop myself from sayin' "I love
ye, too!" [now she is completely soft] Then there won't be nuthin' lef' her him to say but -
"Annie!"
10. KITTY from The Drowsy Chaperone
Mr. Feldzieg just has to give me a shot at being the leading lady. I mean, he is putting gangsters in the show and not me, I don’t understand it. He said it himself -I'm useless in the chorus. I been taking lessons just to be sure; Singing. Acting. Ballet. Yeah. I'm pretty good too. Last week I auditioned for Swanee Lake. I've also been working on a Mind Reading act. Presenting "Kitty, the Incomprehensible." (speaking to audience) I’ll prove it to you… Now, think of something. (closing her eyes and concentrating) Wait! I'm getting it... "pick up some milk ... and a loaf of rye bread ... and don't forget to shave your legs." (she opens her eyes with a confused look, she slaps her head) Oh… I am reading my own mind, how silly! No wonder it was so easy.
11. JANET VAN DE GRAAFF from The Drowsy Chaperone
Yes. Robert and I met on the lido deck of the Ile de France. He amused me with stories of his father's oil interests. We spooned, briefly, and then he proposed. So, I won't be returning to the stage. Ever. In a few hours I'm going to be Mrs. Robert Martin. Oh, my head is spinning. I'm so full of apprehension, but I suppose that's normal, considering the circumstances. Have you ever been married, Chaperone? No, don’t answer… I know it seems crazy to give up a successful career to marry a man I hardly know, but somehow, for some reason when I look into his eyes ... his big, monkey eyes ... ah gee ... I get all woozy. And that's love isn't it? I suppose I'm just looking for a sympathetic ear or anything that pertains to my situation. Really you're not being the least bit helpful Chaperone. Couldn't you at least allay my fears with a few choice words of inspiration? I'm so conflicted. Oh. Please. Just tell me. Is Robert the man for me?
12. THE DROWSY CHAPERONE(Female) from The Drowsy Chaperone
(Being philosophical) Yes, marriage, like life, is a mad whirlwind. No I have never married, I drink for pleasure, not out of necessity. Your woozy with love? ha, Not necessarily. The wooziness could be caused by any number of things. I mean, I'm woozy right now and I'm certainly not in love. Inspiration? Really, dear, that's not my forte. They are your feelings and something you'll have to decide for yourself. If you are that worried why don't you ask him? Why don't you say, "Roger, do you love me?" Now I know you shouldn’t see the groom before the wedding and as the Chaperone that is my job and I take the responsibility very seriously. However, I'm just this moment feeling terribly, terribly drowsy. I'm afraid I have to have a lie-de-down. Now whatever you do, don't go wandering through the garden seeking out your finance to ask him the question upon which your future happiness depends. (she watches her leave) Such a skinny little fool. Still, I envy her. Oh, when will love come crashing though my door?
13. MABEL from An Ideal Husband
Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does nothing but propose to me. he proposed to me last night in the Music room, when I was quite unprotected, as there was an elaborate trio going on. I didn't dare to make the smallest repartee, I need hardly tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this morning, in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles. Really, the things that go on in front of that work of art are quite appalling. The police
should interfere.
At luncheon I saw by the glare in his eyes that he was going to propose again, and I just managed to check him in time by assuring him that I was a bimetallist. Fortunately I don't know what bimetallism means. And I don't believe anybody else does either. But the observation crushed Tommy for ten minutes. He looked quite shocked.
And then Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he proposed at the top of his voice, I should not mind so much. That might produce some effect on the public. But he does it in a horrid confidential way. When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of proposing are quite out of date. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to any one, and that it should always be done in a matter that attracts some attention.
14. DEBBIE WASTBA from The Primary English Class
(first night of an English class for adults who speak another language)
(Rummages through stack of papers on desk, holds up lesson plan.) This is our lesson plan. (Slowing it down)That’s lesson…
plan. Lesson plan. We’re going to be together for several hours and I thought it would be highly professional and competent for me to make a plan. And I did. And here it is: (She reads, smiling confidently.) One. A pleasant welcome and normal chatter. For two, I’ve planned your basic salutation, such as the goods- good morning, good afternoon, good night, good luck, and good grief. (She laughs.) That was a mildly amusing joke: "good grief." Later in the night- after we’ve learned a bit of English- you’ll be able to, well, get the joke. (Pauses.) Let’s move along. Three will be basic customs: ours here. (Reading again.) Four will be a short history of our English language. (As the students take their notes, they, as we, begin to realize that Debbie is only writing the numbers one through six on the blackboard- no words. They raise their hands in question, but she waves them away, barging ahead.) Five will be the primary lesson on the primary English class, according to the book. And six will be the very essential verb "to be." At some point, we shall also inspect the very basic concept of silence. (Smiles.) Now then, as you can see, there are only six points to cover and hours and hours ahead in which to cover them. (All stare blankly at her smiling face.)
Now then: Questions?
15. Character name:Mrs. Arbuthnot (Rachel)
Age Range:40 — 60
Show:A Woman of No Importance
I will never stand before God's altar and ask God's blessing on so hideous a mockery as a marriage between me and George Harford. I will not say the words the Church bids us to say. I will not say them. How could I swear to love the man I loathe, to honour him who wrought you dishonor, to obey him who, in his mastery, made me to sin? No; marriage is a sacrament for those who love each other. It is not for such as him, or such as me. Gerald, to save you from the world's sneers and taunts I have lied to the world. For twenty years I have lied to the world. I could not tell the truth. No, Gerald, no ceremony, Church-hallowed or State-made, shall ever bind me to George Harford. [Pause.] Men don't understand what mothers are. I am no different from other women except in the wrong done me and the wrong I did, and my very heavy punishments and great disgrace. And yet, to bear you I had to look on death. To nurture you I had to wrestle with it. Death fought with me for you. All women have to fight with death to keep their children. Death, being childless, wants our children from us. Gerald, when you were naked I clothed you, when you were hungry I gave you food. Night and day all that long winter I tended you. No office is too mean, no care too lowly for the thing we women love--and oh! how I loved you! And you needed love, for you were weakly, and only love could have kept you alive. Only love can keep any one alive. And boys are careless often, and without thinking give pain, and we always fancy that when they come to man's estate and know us better they will repay us. But it is not so. The world draws them from our side, and they make friends with whom they are happier than they are with us, and have amusements from which we are barred, and interests that are not ours; and they are unjust to us often, for when they find life bitter they blame us for it, and when they find it sweet we do not taste its sweetness with them. . . . You made many friends and went into their houses and were glad with them, and I, knowing my secret, did not dare to follow, but stayed at home and closed the door, shut out the sun and sat in darkness. My past was ever with me. . . . And you thought I didn't care for the pleasant things of life. I tell you I longed for them, but did not dare to touch them, feeling I had no right. You thought I was happier working amongst the poor. That was my mission, you imagined. It was not, but where else was I to go? The sick do not ask if the hand that smooths their pillow is pure, nor the dying care if the lips that touch their brow have known the kiss of sin. It was you I thought of all the time; I gave to them the love you did not need; lavished on them a love that was not theirs. . . . And you thought I spent too much of my time in going to Church, and in Church duties. But where else could I turn? God's house is the only house where sinners are made welcome, and you were always in my heart, Gerald, too much in my heart. For though day after day, at morn or evensong, I have knelt in God's house, I never repented of my sin. How could I repent of my sin when you, my love, were its fruit. Even now that you are bitter to me I cannot repent. I do not. You are more to me than innocence. I would rather be your mother--oh! much rather!--than have been always pure. . . . Oh, don't you see? don't you understand! It is my dishonour that has made you so dear to me. It is my disgrace that has bound you so closely to me. It is the price I paid for you--the price of soul and body--that makes me love you as I do. Oh, don't ask me to do this horrible thing. Child of my shame, be still!