Offering friendship and understanding to Bereaved Parents, Siblings and Grandparents
Johannesburg Chapter
December 2017
TCF Centre Address: 122 Athol Street Highlands North Johannesburg 2192
E-mail: Fax: 086-203-2355
Website:
Telephone (011) 440-6322 P O Box 323 Highlands North 2037
In This Issue:
Birthdays
Anniversaries
When your child has died
16 Ideas for creating new holiday traditions..
10 tips for coping…
Twas the Night before Christmas
International Candle Lighting
Notices
Meetings
Contacts
BANKING DETAILS:
The Compassionate
Friends,First National Bank – Balfour Park,
Branch Code: 212217; Account No: 50360007395 / My dear Friends,
December now is the time for reflection, for looking back over the events of the past 12 months and making plans for the next year. For some of you a date in this year will forever be shadowed. You will always remember that this was the time when you encountered the wild see-saw of grief, the shaking of your certainties and security, the unwelcome experiences of desperation and anxiety, the frightening truth of losing concentration and memory. You are still wandering in a desert not knowing if an oasis of peace will ever revive you.
There are others who are in year 1 or 2 or 5 or whatever who, on looking back, see progress in their trek through grief. You know the darkness but also the glimmers of light. The promise of a lessening of pain is becoming more real and because of this you are stronger and better able to cope with the down days that still come but less often and less severely. Perhaps you are accepting your frailties, learning from them, and acknowledging your strengths, the old ones and the newly acquired.
The seasoned veterans among us still feel the pangs of another year passed without a dear one. They know that we do not forget, as once we feared, beloved voices and faces. On the contrary the images and memories are as vivid as ever and sustain us over the wobbles that occasionally disturb our now established new equilibrium.
Reflections could also refer to what we see when we look into mirrors and water. What we see is ourselves – faces that know sorrow, eyes deep with pain but also insight, mouths that have learnt the most necessary differences between speech and silence. I understand that you would want your reflection to once more be that of a carefree former self. That can’t be. What is within reach is to see a desire and determination to rise above helplessness and despair, and a quiet certainty that slowly but, yes, surely we will achieve this and much more.
Much love,
Taken from the book “A String of Pearls”
Available from the office
Rosemary Dirmeik
Non-Denominational Self-Help Organization * FOUNDERS: Reverend Simon Stephens (England)
Linda Abelheim (SA) Reg. No. 001-308 NPO * PBO No930000335 * Fund Raising No.011004490007
When your child has diedChristmas can be unbearably difficult. The whole world seems to celebrating, everybody appears to be obsessed with preparations, which seem to go on for weeks. These confront us at every turn –in shops and streets, on TV, radio, in magazines and on the web and social media. We often feel alienated, isolated by our grief.
As we contemplate Christmas –especially in the early years of our bereavement – we wonder how we will survive. It is normal for parents to feel they just want to ’cancel’ Christmas. It is a time to be with family, and the enormous gap left by the death of our child is intensified. Christmas cannot be the same as it was because our family is not the same – not complete.
If this is the first year, it will be painfully different from previous years. We may find the anticipation and stress of what we ‘should’ be doing very hard to deal with. Do we decorate the tree; send cards; give presents; attend a place of worship; join in the festive meal; go to a family party
For younger children especially, do we continue with important traditions of trips to the shops, the decorations, a pantomime, and a visit to see Father Christmas? Many bereaved parents find the run up to Christmas – with all the accompanying anticipation– can be more difficult to cope with than the actual day itself.
We hope that some of the ideas below might help and support you as you prepare for the holiday season…
Don’t allow other people to dictate to you how you should get through this extremely difficult time of year.Don’t feel you have to go to the office party or festivities with friends/extended family if you can’t cope with them.
Sometimes we don’t know what we will feel like doing until the last minute. Don’t feel you have to have a plan. Tell people you will decide on the day and you will come if you feel up to it, but may well not be able to.
Let close friends/family know that you are struggling and need to be able to talk about your child at this important family time.
Tell people that you need to have your child acknowledged by others at Christmas – to see their name in a Christmas card or to remember them with a toast during the Christmas meal means so much, but many people would be scared of doing this unless you tell them.
Within the family try to talk to each other, about how you are feeling, or what you all might want to do. Thinking and talking together can help us to prepare ourselves for Christmas, and sometimes when these plans do go right, the day can bring surprising comfort to us.
If you have young children in the family be aware that they might wish for Christmas to carry on as before – although this can be enormously painful for you, for surviving children the normality of Christmas celebrations can be a comfort.
For parents who have lost their only child or all of their children, Christmas can be an especially painful, particularly so if there are no grandchildren. Christmas is generally recognised as a family time and for parents without surviving children this can be extremely hard to bear. For such parents it can be difficult being with other families at Christmas and yet the alternative – being alone – can be equally hard to bear. Whatever these parents choose to do, it is vital that their child or children are remembered.
Some people don’t send cards at Christmas any more. Others like to include their child’s name – for example– “Love from x and x and always remembering xx”. You can also ask others to include a similar sentiment on any cards they send you. A small gesture which can really lift our hearts.
Don’t put too much stress on yourself. If there are difficult relations who expect to visit or for you to visit them, just say you can’t do it this year if it’s going to make you feel worse. Or introduce a time limit – “We’ll come over for a quick drink but will only stay an hour.”
Develop a Christmas ritual involving your child – attend a candle lighting service with other bereaved parents; spend time at a special memorial place on your own or with others; make or buy a special card or decoration for your child.
Spend time with people who understand. Avoid those who don’t.
On the day itself, make time for you to escape if things are too much. A walk outside can really help ease tensions. Or take yourself off for a long warm bath.
If you can’t cope with the idea of Christmas at all, go away and do something completely different. (Be aware, though, that sometimes being away from supportive friends or family can be more difficult and the jollity of strangers may be painful).
Volunteer for a charity helping the homeless or elderly over Christmas. This can be some small distraction and you are doing well too.
Try to take some gentle exercise every day – really helps boost those much needed endorphins.
Be aware that the New Year celebrations can also be difficult. The coming of a new year can feel like we are moving ‘further away’ from our child and the celebrations of others, wishing us a ‘Happy New Year’, can intensify our yearning and grief. We can feel isolated from the celebrations and happiness of others. Acknowledge these feelings to yourself and others close to you, and perhaps plan the evening of December 31st– whether that is to be alone, or with close, understanding friends who will allow you to be yourself and remember your child at this poignant time of year.
After the death of our child, the Christmas holidays will have shadow, a yearning for what might have been an added poignancy. However, we do survive these days, difficult as they are. What matters is that, as far as possible, you are able to do whatever feels right for you, and eventually be able to carry the loving memory of your child with you into future Christmas-times.
The Compassionate Friends
16 Ideas for Creating New Holiday Tradition after a Death
Someone you love has died and now the holidays will never be the same. I’m sorry to put this so plainly, but it’strue and you need to acknowledge it.
Too often people stumble into the holidays after a death believing things can stay the same. Some passivelyassume everything will work out, while othersbelieveif they try hard enough to be positive and maintain tradition that PEOPLE WILL ENJOY THEMSELVES DANG IT. I hope these approaches work out for some, but I can promise you they won’t suffice for all.
I hate to be Grinch, but even if you manage to rebuild your tradition to the closest approximation possible, there will still be sadness.
The creation of new tradition and ritual provides people withthe opportunity to find meaningful and lasting ways to remember loved ones. Further, itallows those who have died to play a continuous role in holiday celebrations going forward.
We’re going to provide you with a few ideas for creating new holiday tradition after a death, but we encourage you to really think beyond this list and create traditions that are reflective of who your loved one was and how you want to seetheir legacy continue. New traditionscan be simplethings you decide to doon your own or bigger rituals that you create with your family. As you think about this, remember traditions are meant to be repeated year after year, so choose something that your family can realistically keep going. Even better, choose a tradition that can be handed down to future generations.
1. Food:
Holiday dish:Choose your loved one’s favourite dish (or recipe) and make sure the dish is present at your celebration year after year. For example: my family makes “Auntie’s beans”.Why are they “Auntie’s beans”? I have no idea, I’m pretty sure they’re just green bean casserole.
Favourite dessert:Instead of choosing a dish, choose their favourite dessert to make every year.
Breakfast:If theholiday dinner is crazy, crowded, and hectic, start a tradition of having your loved one’s favourite breakfast foods with just your immediate family.
After dinner drinks:If the person who died wasn’t a part of the family celebration, start a tradition of meeting friends and family in the evening to remember the person who died over hot cocoa and eggnog.
Cookierecipe:This is my personal favourite; use your loved one’s recipe to make Christmas cookies. I used my mother’s recipe this year and shared them over Facebook with my far away family.
2. Music
Holiday playlist:Have a go-to list of holiday songs that remind you of your loved one.
Sing: Start a tradition that involves singing your loved one’s favourite holiday songs. My familyalwayssingsSilent Nightjust before going to bed on Christmas Eve and italwaysmakes me cry. You could also try traditions like these…
Have a carolling party before the holidays where you invite all your family and friends
Have a sing-a-long after holiday dinner
3. Memory tablecloth:
This is an awesome idea that I saw. Every year, laid a special tablecloth andfabric markers or sharpies. Ask holiday guests to write down their favourite holiday memories, especially those that involve family members who are no longer present.
4. Light a candle:
As a family, light a candle in the beginning of the holiday season and allow it to burn throughout. If you’re not comfortable with a real candle, use a fake candle or a special light up decoration.
5. Candle ceremony:
On the night before the holiday or on the night of the holiday,gather everyone for a candle ceremony. Give everyone an unlit candle. The first person lights the first candle and shares a memory. They can share a memory of their deceased loved one(s), a memory from past holidays, or a time during the year when they felt their loved one’s presence – you decide (it’s your tradition after all)! After the first person shares their memory, they light the candle of the next person and that person shares a memory – so on and so forth. Once the last candle is lit, does something to close out the ceremony (for example: sing a song or say a prayer).
6. Blessing:
If a blessing is traditionally said at any point during the holiday, add a lyric, quote, verse, poem, or saying that reminds you of your loved one. Choose something that really reflects your loved one, even if it’s silly or out of context.
7. Secret Signal:
Create a secret signal for your family members to give one another whensomething reminds them of the person who has died. This could be a signal used at any moment, happy or sad, throughout the year.
8. Give to charity:
Every year chose a charity to give a gift to in your loved ones name. Keep the same process for choosing the charity each year – maybe you decide on the first Sunday of December, for example. Allow everyone to offer suggestions and then choose as a family. If you don’t want to just make a monetary donation, look for shelters doing “adopt a resident” programs or opportunities tobuy gifts.
9. Go somewhere where you feel close to your loved one:
Start a tradition of visiting your loved one’s grave or another place where you feel close to them on the holiday. Choosing a designated time, like first thing in the morning, may make it easier to plan and uphold this tradition.
10. Moment of silence:
At your holiday celebration, allow people an opportunity to share the name of loved one’s they’ve lost and then have a moment of silence to rememberthose people.
11. Tell stories:
Every year on my daughter’s birthdays I tell them about the day they were born. Why not start a tradition of telling special holiday stories on the holiday? Instead of reading the kids‘Twas the Night before Christmaswhen you tuck them into bed, start the tradition of telling them a story from a holiday when their loved one was alive.
12. Add an extra plate:
Always add an extra plate to your dinner table to symbolize your loved one’s presence in everyone’s hearts and minds.
13. Holiday memory/Gratitude box:
Leave a box, slips of paper, and pens out, and ask those you’re spending the holidays with to write down their favourite holiday memories, memories of loved ones, or gratitudes. Ask them to put their slips in the box and read them over dessert. If you feel as though your family has had an especially tough year, writing down gratitudes might help people to shift their perspective a little bit.
14. Remembrance ornaments and trees:
Buy a new ornament every year that reminds you of your loved one. This could be an ornament that you think is pretty, a photo ornament, or an ornament that symbolizes something about your loved one. If children are affected by the loss, invite them to help you select the ornament or even allow them the opportunity to make the ornament themselves.
Atree for your loved one:Consider buyinga small tree specifically for these remembrance ornaments. This will give people an opportunity to look at the ornaments all together, ask questions, and reminisce. You might even consider having a specific traditionfor decorating and lighting this tree.
A remembrance tree: If you will have a lot of people at your celebration, or if you have a lot of visitors throughout the season (or if you work at a grief centre or hospice), put up a remembrance tree. Set up a table with sharpies and ornaments people can write on close to the tree. Allow anyone who passes through to write the name(s) of their deceased loved one(s) on an ornament and invite them to hang their ornament on the tree.
15. Stockings and garlands:
The holidays can be really tough when you’re grieving (oh, you already knew that?). Set out slips of paper and pens and instruct people to write any of the following of the slips of paper.