Week 3: Developing a Vision for Your Family S Future

Week 3: Developing a vision for your family’s future

1. Welcome back

Speaker(s): Please welcome back the group, and take feedback from last week’s session. What have you done differently this past week?

2. Forging a parenting life shape

Last week we looked at importance of calibrating your world to the arrival of a baby and exploring the effects that arrival has on your other relationships. We hope that by exploring the impact that a new child can have on your emotional world, you have a strong idea for how to nurture attachment and be nurtured in this vulnerable and exhausting time of life.

You have also begun to prepare your mind-set for the demands of parenting (covered in session 1). This week we are going to look at how to direct your parenting journey. This includes dealing with the challenges of the first few months, but also the greater course of your new families’ future, whatever its size or shape.

3. Gaining a perspective for both the short and long term

One of the big challenges that new parents face is one of perspective. We often look at the ‘fine detail’ of the parenting picture – the nappy that needs changing or the food that needs pureeing. Rarely do new parents take time to reflect on the long-term outworking of their parenting within the first year, or even the first five years. Child psychologists indicate that the first year is foundational in infant development and has significant ramifications for a child’s later emotional wellbeing. We are not saying this to give you an extra burden of concern, but to encourage you to consider the bigger picture. The trees are exceptionally important, but it is worth keeping an eye on the whole wood.

What do you think is missing from Jamie’s thinking?

4. Setting the destination for your parenting journey

Birth is not a destination, it is a beginning. From the moment of birth, parenting begins and a journey is initiated. A parent without a destination is like a person packing their bags for a holiday, going to the airport and boarding a plane, but without having made any prior decision about where that plane is headed. Without having thought in advance about the ‘destination’ that you hope your family will head towards, you choose not to take charge of your corporate future.

Some parents begin without a destination in mind. By unknowingly adopting this passive approach, they risk struggling with a sense of futility and wrestling with repeating cycles of historic family dysfunction. Very often these parents have a strong grasp of the practical needs of their children and on a practical level they are coping well. However, because they have not considered what values and outlooks they want their child (or children) to grow up with, nothing happens deliberately. As we said in week one, no one parents neutrally. Unless we are intentional we will simply pass on what we have accepted from our own childhoods or the values we see in the world around us.

If you were to describe a ‘destination’ for your parenting journey, what would it be?

Exercise 1:

Spend a few minutes making bullet points about the family destination that you desire. It doesn’t need to be a beautifully crafted statement, just a general sense of where you want to be as a family 10 years from now. Try to avoid setting material targets such as ‘we want to become wealthy’ or ‘we want our children to achieve top grades’, but instead consider making values and character your destination.

E.G. I would like our destination to be:

· Confident kids who have a sense of adventure

· John and I having a good balance between work and home life

· For there to be laughter and fun around our home.

My family destination bullet points:

It may feel odd setting a parenting destination for 10 years down the line when you are pregnant, or have a very young family. It is actually very worthwhile because it gives you a set of markers that help you shape your day-to-day parenting decisions. A destination can take a lifetime to achieve; there are no shortcuts in raising children. But the patterns and values you establish in your family now will reap a long-term reward in your child’s life.

5. Troubleshooting for new parents

Now that you have given some thought to the bigger picture of your family’s future, we want to pull you back to think about the fine details again. As you think about the following three practical issues, hold in mind the values and goals that you have just identified as important.

The following are all areas in which new parents – even those with the very best of intentions – can find themselves stuck, or in conflict with their partners.

Challenge 1: Lifestyle shake-up

It can take a while for a new mum to adjust to being on maternity leave and spending her time largely at home with a baby. Most likely she will be stepping into a more domestic role than previously. There will be a new set of tasks to accomplish and those parenting as a couple will probably need to gently re-negotiate who does what.

Becoming a parent will affect dad’s identity as well as mum’s, shaking up the pattern of living that you are currently used to. If you are parenting as a couple, it will be important to talk regularly about the practical adjustments that you are making to your altered lifestyle and respective roles. Don’t forget to talk about how these changes feel, too. It is essential that we learn to value our partner in their new role as a parent, carer or homemaker.

Another area that will be impacted is your social life. If you are used to spending evenings out with friends, you will need to discuss how to handle the necessity of someone being at home with baby.

Exercise 2:

Look at the questions in the below list. Underline any that you haven’t already considered, or discussed with your partner.

· To what extent will baby’s sleeping routine shape your evening activities?

· Would you take your young baby out to a restaurant in the evening and let him/her sleep in a moses basket?

· Can you take it in turns to go out with your respective friends?

· Is there a family member / friend who you could ask to babysit for you once monthly?

While going out and socialising is great, we have found that nothing is as important for our relationship as regular evenings spent together, investing in one another (when the children are sleeping!)

Challenge 2: Less money

It can seem superficial to think about money when you are about to bring a new life into the world. At the same time, babies make a significant impact upon family finances: 40% of new parents say that becoming a parent made them more money conscious.[1] Initially, the important things to calculate are the changes to your monthly income through loss of monthly earnings and then descending maternity allowance. “With an average spend over the first 5 years of £20,000, not including childcare, it’s clear that babies can damage your budget like a bulldozer”.[2]

As you think about your finances, consider:

· What will you need to buy in preparation for having your baby? Remember to think about what items you could borrow or buy second hand. (Look out for NCT sales and speak to local networks of mums for details of good second hand sales.) Have you budgeted for this initial outlay?

· How will becoming a family of three (if this is your first baby) or adding another child to your family affect your overall spending priorities? Does having a baby change how you feel about money?

· You may find yourself no longer being an independent earner, but reliant on maternity pay, benefits or your partner’s income. How do you feel about being financially ‘dependent’?

Challenge 3: Career decisions

Related to the money challenge are the decisions that lie ahead of you about the next step in your own (and perhaps also your partner’s) career. Who will go back to work and who will stay at home to care for the baby? If both mum and dad plan to go work, what childcare will you choose? You can find out more about the childcare options available to you on www.childcare.co.uk – but in summary your options are (in order of cheapest up to most expensive):

· Sharing childcare with friends/ asking family members to help

· Childminder

· Nursery

· Nanny share/ nanny

Take time to discuss the options. What looks sensible before baby arrives may not be what you actually want later on. Sometimes a mum is surprised to find that her thoughts and feelings on this change once she is spending time with her baby. This is completely natural; you have plenty of time to make the right decision for your family.

Exercise 3:

Which of the above three issues (Lifestyle shake-up, less money or career decisions) do you anticipate being the greatest challenge for you in the next year? What steps could you take now to prepare?

6. Unexpected emotions

Don't be surprised if you experience all sorts of emotions after your baby arrives. Sarah Weir, Co-ordinator of South West London Postnatal Counselling service, writes ‘Becoming a Mother’ writes that for new mums, there may be a period of mourning. ‘Life is now very different. It can be difficult to undertake simple tasks, such as making a cup of tea, without constant interruptions… it is common for a period of mourning to ensue, in which previous freedom and autonomy are grieved for.’ Again, we especially encourage you to hold onto the values and vision that are important to you if you find yourselves feeling very emotional. We want to mention two areas in which emotions can run particularly high for new parents:

1. Sleep… or lack of it

Remember to think creatively about how to build enough sleep and rest times into your week. Think about:

· In the weeks immediately post-birth, expect utter chaos in terms of your baby’s differentiation between night and day. A woman’s body needs to recover and restore post birth, so sleep at every opportunity, day or night.

· Do you plan to sleep with your baby in your bed? Discuss this with your partner before your baby arrives.

· Who could you ask to take the baby for an hour or so, simply so that you can go to sleep?

· Once you have a slightly older baby, would you be willing to sleep during the day when he or she sleeps? Even if you only do this a few times each week it will make a big difference.

A word on Postnatal Depression

Depression and sleep deprivation can present in similar ways – exhaustion, lethargy, inability to concentrate, low libido. Post-natal depression affects one in 10 women, and the same percentage of new dads also find themselves depressed.

Weir lists the following as common symptoms of Postnatal Depression[3]:

· Feeling grey, bleak and helpless

· Feeling numb and empty

· Overwhelmed and exhausted

· Disinterested in everything, which may include baby and partner

· Unable to cope, tearful and irritable

· Difficult to concentrate and make decisions

· Loss of appetite

· Difficulty sleeping

· Intense anxiety

· Obsessive fears about a baby’s well-being

· Thoughts about harming self or baby

Speak to your GP if you think you or our partner may be depressed. Weir writes, ‘Mothers need emotional support to provide a robust, down to earth containment of the intense emotions stirred up by having a baby… it is important not to pathologise feelings of vulnerability, despair, depression and anxiety.’[4]

2. Guilt

Guilt is an emotion that many new parents struggle with. One pregnant mum on the parenting website Mumsnet listed all the things she felt guilty about…

If you didn’t feel guilt during pregnancy, you may find that you begin to experience this feeling in the early months of parenthood, especially once the demands of broader family, friends and work re-appear. If you like, the immediate danger appears to have passed, and so we may begin to try and do more, or even recover our ‘old lives’ to some extent. We can then feel guilty because we can’t cope. Your expectations need to remain low, as babies tend to go through phases of increasing or decreasing need.

Weir describes the guilt that a mother may feel like this: ‘She may feel very guilty that she is not feeling continuously happy. Surely she has the thing she has longed for. How terrible it is that it doesn’t make her happy. She might be terrified by her longings to return to a life where she was still free and independent, or had a continual night’s sleep. What kind of person is she?’[5]

Exercise 4:

In pairs or as a group, discuss what encouragement you would give a mum or dad of young children who was struggling with guilty feelings.

Section 7: Keeping a deeper balance on the journey

The centreboard or keel in a sailing boat goes deep down into the water and offers an unseen but powerful form of stability. As Christians, Louie and I would describe our relationship with God as being this central security in life. The arrival of a baby is often an epiphany moment for adults as they see a beautiful precious new life, literally a little miracle in their arms. The Bible suggests that God’s love for you is even greater than the love that you feel for your new child. In the person of Jesus Christ, he wants to come into the centre of your family boat and offer you the security of his presence.

There is a story in the Bible in which the disciples are sailing across the Sea of Galilee. A fierce storm blows up and the disciples frantically try to keep their boat balanced. Presumably (although the text doesn’t give us this detail) they reduced the sail size, spread their weight around the boat and used their wealth of seafaring knowledge to stay afloat. However, despite their greatest efforts, these hardened local fishermen feared they would drown.