We Want Answers, Not Questions
There are a lot of magazines I enjoy reading but I wish they’d just give me the information they have and stop asking me questions all the time. Half the titles of their articles aren’t statements, they’re in the form of a question.
The Weekly Standard says, “THE NEW EUROPE MENACE OR FARCE?”
Ladies Home Journal says, “WANT TO LOSE 10 LBS?”
Time wants to know whether Hillary will be the senator from New York, SENATOR CLINTON?
I sat down the other day and tried to answer some of the questions I saw on magazine covers.
Vogue asks me, “WHAT’S YOUR FASHION AESTHETIC?” Listen, Vogue, I can’t answer that question. If I have a clean shirt and two socks that match in the morning, that’s fashion aesthetics enough for me. And anyway, all I want from you is some good-looking women in skimpy clothes.
Harper’s – “WHO WAS SHAKESPEARE?” Didn’t you watch the Oscars?
Insight magazine’s cover says, “ELIZABETH DOLE: WILL THIS WOMAN BE PRESIDENT?”
No, Insight. Elizabeth Dole seems very nice but she will not be President and it isn’t very insightful of you to ask, either. Her husband, Bob, has a better chance of being President than she does and he isn’t even running.
Scientific American is the kind of magazine that ought to give us answers but it asks whether space is endless. Let me ask you a question, Scientific American. If there is an end to space, what’s just beyond the end of it?
Newsweek wants to know where it will end. We don’t know where it will end. That’s why we buy your magazine, Newsweek. We don’t want questions, we want answers. If we knew where it would end, we’d buy Vanity Fair.
Bill Buckley’s conservative National Review’s cover asks, IS SEX STILL SEXY? I hope you aren’t going all soft on us, Bill. That doesn’t seem like a very right-wing question to me.
Time magazine asks about the end of the world. “THE END OF THE WORLD?” Time wants to know. No, I don’t think so and I don’t think you think so, either, Time. I notice you’re still trying to sell us two-year subscriptions for half off.
Business Week asks, “IS GREED GOOD?”
That’s a serious question. I’ve always been puzzled about our capitalist, free enterprise system. It works on the theory that things come out best for everyone if we all greedily grab everything we can for ourselves. If that’s true, it shouldn’t be.
Men’s Health wants to know if I’m fat. Well, it’s none of your business, Men’s Health. I may not look exactly like this guy on your cover who has been lifting weights while I’ve been typing and I might look a little overweight to you but my mother always had a good explanation for it. She said I have big bones.
Business Week has another question. “CBS, CAN CEO MEL KARMAZIN REINVENT NETWORK TV?”
I’m reluctant to comment on that. Mel is my top boss here at CBS. I like Mel personally and I love my job. I know CBS shows are doing well and the stock is way up but before Mel reinvents television, I wish he’d arrange to get the elevators working better in this CBS office building.
From Andy Rooney, Years of Minutes, pp. 414-415.
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