We are grateful to the work of many other people whose contributions to communicating across social differences have informed these materials, and our own values and practices at CompassPoint: Elena Featherston, Laurin Mayeno and Poonam Singh, who also teach with us in these areas. We have also attributed certain concepts and exercises to other authors and creators in the page foot notes, and along with our deep appreciation to their work, we encourage you to find more of their work and thinking through those footnotes.

Disclaimer

All material is provided without any warranty whatsoever, including, but not limited to, the impliedwarranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. Any names of people or companies listed in this book or in its companion computer files are fictitious unless otherwise noted.

Copyright

© 2016 CompassPoint Nonprofit Services unless otherwise indicated. All rights reserved. This publication, including any companion computer disk, or any component part thereof, may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, storage in an information retrieval system, or otherwise, without the prior written permission CompassPoint, 500 12th St, Ste 320, Oakland, CA 94607, 415-541-9000 or the author.

Table of Contents

Agenda and Trainers Bios………………………………………………………………………………………………………4

Principles for Communicating Across Differences of Power and Privilege…………………………..…5

Learning Objectives…………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………6

Listening Exercise: What are the Qualities of an Authentic Conversation?...... 7

Group Exercise: Communication Breakdowns…………………………………………………………………….…9

Communication Competencies……………………………………………………………………………………………..12

Observation Skills………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….13

Inquiry Skills………………………………………………………………………………………………………….………………15

Empathy, and Self-Empathy……………………………….………………………………………………….……………..19

60 Second Statement to Address a Conflict…………………………………………………………..………………20

Next Steps…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….21

Sample Meeting Agreements……………………………………………………………………………..…………………22

Today’s Agenda

9:00am / Introductions, Agenda, Context, Group Agreements
10:00 am / Communication Breakdowns
10:25am / Inquiry Skills
10:50 am / Conflict Resolution Styles
11:30am / Awareness of Privilege
12:15pm / Lunch Break
1:15pm / Power Dynamics
2:00 pm / Observation Skills, Perspective-Taking
2:30pm / Empathy and Self-Empathy
3:10pm / 60-second statement
4:05 pm / Resources, Next Steps, and Close

Trainers: Amy Benson & Steve Lew, CompassPoint Nonprofit Services

Amy Benson is an Associate Project Director at CompassPoint. Working alongside her trusty Workshops Team, she helps to coordinate CompassPoint’s amazing and transformational public workshops. She also manages the CompassPoint volunteer program, and co-chairs the Multicultural Organizational Development team. Amy currently facilitates, trains, and blogs on the following topics:

Instructional design;

Interpersonal communication;

Power, privilege, and accountability;

Communicating across differences.

Amy has a background in training and facilitation in a variety of environments including volunteer training in the domestic violence field and leading sessions on the issue of confronting and disrupting racial bias.

Steve Lew is a Senior Project Director at CompassPoint. He helps positional and emerging leaders increase their effectiveness in fundraising, governance, leadership and multicultural group development.Steve’s work at CompassPoint has been deeply connected to building the strength of organizations, leaders, and networks in communities of color. He has co-designed and led the Fundraising Academy for Communities of Color and the Next Generation Leaders of Color Program and has been a fundraising and leadership coach for many of these participants for over a decade.He deeply appreciates and enjoys working with nonprofit leaders who are on a path to align their personal values, practices, and impact more closely to the change they are working toward in their organizations.

Principles for Communicating Across Differences of Power and Privilege

  • There is no one “right” way to do communication, and all communication skills are not available to everyone at all times. Power, privilege, and culture affects who gets to say what to who.
  • Communicating across differences is important, and often uncomfortable. Use the discomfort as a place of learning more about yourself and the other person.
  • Listening can be healing, and it can leave the listener and the speaker with a shared experience of respect and integrity.
  • Systemic oppressions work together to make it difficult for people to connect across cultures – communicating across differences can interrupt oppressive thinking and behaviors on many levels.
  • We are all here to learn, we are all here to teach.
  • Mistakes happen; the goal is not to avoid them, it’s to handle them well when they do come up.
  • Dominant/non-dominant group status varies from setting to setting, and isn’t always clear – power/privilege are relative, therefore to be successful with these skills, we must learn to communicate up/down/across.
  • To do this successfully, we must combine thinking/reflection with action (“Action without vision is only passing time, vision without action is merely day dreaming, but vision with action can change the world.” Nelson Mandela).
  • It’s helpful to have support through this process! Find what works for you, such as an ally at work to practice these skills with, church/spirituality groups, counseling, journaling, making art, community groups, etc.
  • Thinking about oppressive systems, and especially our participation in them, can cause guilt.Feeling guilt for oppressive thoughts or behaviors is not helpful in creating responses or future actions. Avoid asking people to help you deal with your feelings of guilt around their oppression.Self-reflection & talking to others about how to be an effective ally is functional helping.

Add your own grounding principles & philosophies here:

  • ______
  • ______
  • ______

Learning Objectives

This workshop will provide information, training and peer learning so that YOU…

  1. Can apply an understanding of different conflict styles (including your own) to how you work with interpersonal conflict in the future.
  2. Can generate open ended questions to gain understanding of another person’s perspective (compassionate inquiry).
  3. Gain 1 skill to increase effectiveness in communicating across social differences: inquiry, empathy/self empathy, naming issue & exploring solutions. i.e. taking responsibility, holding yourself and another person accountable to the work relationship.
  4. Will create 60 second statement to address an existing tension.

Working Definitions

Conflict: An actual or perceived difference of some significance between two parties, each of whom perceives that the other party is interfering with their needs and or desires. Group conflict such asfriction, disagreement, or discord arising within a group when the beliefs or actions of one or more members of the group are either resisted by or unacceptable to one or more members of the other group.

Conflict styles: Default strategies for managing conflict that people tend to use across different situations.

Culture: Sum total of the ways of living, including values, beliefs, aesthetic standards, linguistic expression, patterns of thinking, behavioral norms and styles of communication which a group of people has developed to assure its survival & sustenance in a particular environment.

Cultural identity: The way in which individuals define themselves.

Cultural humility: Takes a learning stance with culturally different communities, accepts that all cultures are living and not static or fixed; different from cultural competence, which assumes a place of “knowing,” it invites us to recognize and have humility about what we don’t know.

Emotional Trigger:Un-processed feelings and reactions to a person, situation, event, dialogue that provokes a strongemotionalreaction to past trauma or distress rather than the present situation.

Multiculturalism: The practice of appreciating cultural and social differences within personal interactions, group and organizational practices. Leaders and groups that operate in a multicultural framework strive to have inclusive practices, to understand and work to undo social and economic inequity, and the imbalance of power held by privileged social groups.

Oppression: Systematic mistreatment of people based upon their membership in a group. Denial of full potential and access to power and resources. Hold down by unjust use of authority or power.

Internalized oppression: A result of oppression, in which members of the oppressed group internalize negative beliefs and messages about their group.

Power: The ability to cause or influence outcomes for that affect you and other people.

Privilege: Access to benefits and resources (economic, social, political, etc) that others do not have, based on one’s group membership.

Listening Exercise: What are the Qualities of an Authentic Conversation?

  1. Pair up and decide who is “A” and who is “B”. B will be speaker and A will be listener.
  2. Speaker will share a time when s/he experienced an authentic conversation.
  3. What went well?
  4. What key ingredients were in the conversation?
  5. Listener will practice engaged or active listening:
  6. I’m listening to you with full attention. I will resist urges to add my own thoughts.
  7. What else? Tell me more. What was difficult? What was most important?

Deep listening leaves a sense of respect and integrity in both the speaker and the listener. This is a skill that can be practiced and improved.

Group Exercise: Communication BreakdownsUnderline or circle the things you tend to do when your ‘buttons are pushed’.

Type / Examples
Not Listening / Being distracted
Interrupting
Finishing the other person’s sentences
Saying, “I knew that”
Saying, “No”, “But, “However”
Turning the conversation back to yourself
Making Assumptions / “She’s nervous, she probably doesn’t know what she is talking about”
“He’s frowning,he obviously has an issue with this project”
“I don’t think she likes me”
“They’re not looking at me, they are not telling the truth”
“She’s so loud, she is obviously upset”
Judging, Labeling, or Blaming Others / “She is such a bulldozer. She just runs right over people”
“He talks too much, takes up so much space”
“That person is a jerk”
“It’s his fault we didn’t meet the deadline”
Failing to Meet Expectations / Committing even when it is not clear about what was expected
Agreeing to requests and then not following through
Breaking promises and undermining trust
Un-communicated or Unclear Expectations / Not making requests
Making unclear requests
Not being aware of difference between what was expected and what was delivered
Making a decision to ignore the situation or issue
Using power plays to control the behavior of others
  • One up
  • One down
/ Giving orders without checking for agreement, understanding, or commitment
Agreeing to follow orders outwardly, while withholding information about why they won’t work
What else?

Inquiry Skills

Curiosity and Inquiry

Good inquiry is also essential to authentic conversations. It helps you understand the perspective of the person you’re speaking with, without jumping to conclusions. It also invites someone to question your perspective. Here are some questions that can be used to better understand perspectives.

Effective questioning opens up the story that needs to be told. These questions help us to drill down and bring forth all the information. Here are some additional examples of open-ended questions that might be used with someone to interrogate reality:

  • What is most important about all of this?
  • This is what’s going on for me…..what is going on for you?
  • What is your theory about how this can work?
  • What leads you to conclude that?
  • What do you think about what I just said?
  • What would you change about what I just said?
  • How do you see it differently?
  • How does this relate to your other concerns?
  • Can you help me understand your thinking here?
  • How did you arrive at this view?
  • What do you see as the biggest challenge?
  • How can I work best with you?
  • What similarities do we have?
  • What is it that you never want to hear me say again?
  • What is important that I honor about you? About your culture?
  • How do you see it differently than others do?
  • When have things worked well for us? How can we get back to that place?

Ask questions and stay open and curious as a way of interrogating reality and getting to the bottom of what’s really going on (for you or for them). Invite them to ask you questions as well. What each of us believes to be true simply reflects our views about reality.

Adapted from Coaching Skills for Nonprofit Managers and Leaders, by Judith Wilson and Michelle Gislason, CompassPoint Nonprofit Services.

Questions to Expand Your Understanding and Challenge Your Own Assumptions

A person appears to be upset:

  • When you say that, how do you feel?
  • What’s going on, for you right now?
  • Are you feeling ____ because you need more ____ in this conversation

What do you mean by . . .

Example: What do you mean by “better”?

What caused you to . . .

Example: What caused you to feel so strongly about this issue?

What stops you from . . .

Example: What has stopped you from bringing up this problem until now?

A person says ‘OK’ but makes a face or shrugs:

  • “What made you frown when you said ‘OK’?”
  • “What caused you to shrug?”

Questions to Open Up Another Person’s Thinking

A person is saying things you oppose and leaving no room for discussion:

  • “Are you saying that as a fact or as your perspective on the issue?”
  • “Do you believe you are 100% right and I am 100% wrong about this?”

Adapted from Taking the War Out Of Our Words: The Art of Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication, by Sharon Ellison.

Your Turn: Thinking about your conflict/communication breakdown, write down 2 questions that will help you learn more about what is going on for the other person.

What questions can I ask the other person to help them see and question their assumptions, consider another perspective, and/or connect to their values?

COMPASSPOINT 2016 1

Understanding Your Conflict Style

Behavioral scientists Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann (who developed the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument) have identified five styles to responding to conflict. These styles are based on a person’s conflict-handling behavior along two basic dimensions:

(1)assertiveness: the extent to which the individual attempts to satisfy his or her own concerns, and

(2) cooperativeness: the extent to which the individual attempts to satisfy the other person’s concerns

Conflict Style / Definition / Fundamental Premise / Dimensions*
Avoid / To side step or ignore the problem, issue, or person / This isn't the right time or place to address this issue. / Assertive and Uncooperative
Accommodate / To yield your own position in favor of the other party’s need in a conflict / Working toward a common purpose is more important than any of the peripheral concerns; the trauma of confronting differences may damage fragile relationships. / Unassertive and Cooperative
Compete / The inverse of accommodation, where you fight your corner and insist on ‘winning’ the conflict. / Associates"winning"a conflict with competition. / Assertive and Uncooperative
Compromise / Both sides yield or give up part of their position in order to resolve the issue. / Winning something while losing a little is OK. / Intermediate of both
Collaborate / Working together to satisfy both parties; distinct from compromise in that neither side has to give anything up. / Teamwork and cooperation help everyone achieve their goals while also maintaining relationships. / Assertive and Cooperative

*based on definitions by Thomas & Kilmann referenced above

14

Group Activity: Teach Back

Style / Advantages / Disadvantages / When to use
Avoid
Accommodate
Compete
Compromise
Collaborate

Which Style When?

Privilege Wheel Self Reflection: This exercise is solely for you to make connections between the social identities you have between experiences in life and at work. This self-awareness is a cornerstone to the communication competencies that we will explore and practice in the workshop.

Take time to notice each of the slices of the Privilege Pie. Place yourself closer to the center "P"if you have access to resources and benefits that others not in your social identity group have much less access to. Place yourself further out from the center "P" if you are in a social identity group that lacks access to power and resources.

Steve’s example:

Some of the ways that I experiencesocial privilege in certain settingsare:Being middle aged, college educatedprofessional, biologically male,born and raised in the U.S., fluent in the language and culture of the U.S.middle class. While I have experienced some prejudice as a Chinese American, I also benefit from and gain advantage over other people of color from the ‘model minority’ myth.(I placed myself closer to the “P” on these slices of the pie, some all the way and some towards the middle of the slice.)

Some of the ways I lack power and privilege in certain settings are:Being a gay man, in my late 50's, of Chinese heritage. (I placed myself further out from the center, but not all the way to the edge).

There is no exact science or formula involved here, no correct or incorrect answer. This exercise is primarily for you and your own reflection about how power and privilege impacts your interactions.

Reflection questions:

  • What are the areas where I have privilege that I don’t really notice at my workplace?
  • Are their places in your example of conflict or communication breakdown where your social privileges or power contributed to your impact? Where the other person’s power and privilege contributed to their impact on you?

If you are having difficulty thinking about what social privilege means and how you apply it to yourself:

  • watch the 4 minute video, 5 Tips for Being an Ally.
  • read this short blog post: 4 Uncomfortable Thoughts You May Have When Facing Your Privilege.

Power and the Uses of Power

Power is the ability to create or affect outcomes for yourself and others in an organization. Formal, positional power and informal social power are not ‘good’ or ‘bad’, it’s important for Executive Directors and other positional leaders to think about and act with responsible uses of power.