Warning Signs for Possible Boundary Violations
(Inventory to use in relationship to other adults; be specific)
- "Always" Me: ______
Others:______
- "Never" Me: ______
Others:______
- "You" Me: ______
Others:______
- Yelling voice Me: ______
Others:______
- Calling names Me: ______
Others:______
- Excessive Cussing Me: ______
Others:______
- Bringing up the past Me: ______
Others:______
- Categorizing / Comparing Me: ______
Others:______
- Doesn't listen to other person's side Me: ______
Others:______
- Turns away or walks away Me: ______
Others:______
- Sarcastic Me: ______
Others:______
- Laughs at other person Me: ______
Others:______
- Mocks other person Me: ______
Others:______
- Demands to talk at inappropriate times Me: ______
Others:______
- Passive Manipulative Behavior:
A - Pout
B - Slams door
C - Whining
D - Making faces
E - Silent treatment - Me: ______
______
Others:______
- Talks over last part of sentence Me: ______
Others:______
- Hits or throws things Me: ______
Others:______
- Using weak points Me: ______
Others:______
- Lecturing Me: ______
Others:______
- Interrogating Me: ______
Others:______
- Monopolizing conversation (monologues)
Me: ______
Others:______
- Asking inappropriate questions - over the other person's boundaries
Me: ______
Others:______
- Mad about one thing but talks about another
Me: ______
Others:______
- Threatening statements or behavior
Me: ______
Others:______
- Blackmail "or else" statements Me: ______
Others:______
- Attempting to "guilt trip" or "shame" Me: ______
Others:______
- Moving across physical boundary of other person
Me: ______
Others:______
- Threatening physical gestures or movements
Me: ______
Others:______
- Taking the others inventory Me: ______
Others:______
- Conditional love, "I'll love you, if you..." Me: ______
Others:______
- Condescending Me: ______
Others:______
- Breaking confidences Me: ______
Others:______
- Third party communication Me: ______
Others:______
- Lying Me: ______
Others:______
- Breaking promises repeatedly Me: ______
Others:______
- Not supportive emotionally Me: ______
Others:______
- Critical: A - Calling names B - Bringing up the past to hurt you
Me: ______
Others:______
- Neglecting your needs deliberately Me: ______
Others:______
- Pushing buttons Me: ______
Others:______
- Making fun of you Me: ______
Others:______
- Treating you like a child, or mother, or father - treats you as an inferior or superior
Me: ______
Others:______
- Ignores - doesn't listen to you or your opinion
Me: ______
Others:______
- Being disrespectful / rude Me: ______
Others:______
- Won't take "no" for an answer Me: ______
Others:______
- Pushiness Me: ______
Others:______
- Someone who gives you advice not asked for
Me: ______
Others:______
- Demanding Me: ______
Others:______
- Judgmental Me: ______
Others:______
- Trying to "fix" or "save" you A - Manipulating B – Blaming
Me: ______
Others:______
- Shotgun blasting - not staying on one subject
Me: ______
Others:______
- Physical abuse Me: ______
Others:______
- Sexual abuse/ Sex on demand Me: ______
Others:______
- Strings attached to gifts Me: ______
Others:______
- Withholding behavior Me: ______
Others:______
- Inappropriate secrets or threats Me: ______
Others:______
- Excessive teasing Me: ______
Others:______
Self–Esteem Inventory
DIRECTIONS: For the statements below, circle the rating which is most true of your level of exhibiting these behaviors in your life. Use the following rating scale:
- 1 = never
- 2 = rarely
- 3 = sometimes
- 4 = frequently
- 5 = almost always
12345( 1)I seek approval and affirmation from others, and I am afraid of criticism.
12345( 2)I guess at what normal behavior is, and I usually feel as if I am different from other people.
12345( 3)I isolate myself from and am afraid of people in authority roles.
12345( 4)I am not able to appreciate my own accomplishments and good deeds.
12345( 5)I tend to have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
12345( 6)I get frightened or stressed when I am in the company of an angry person.
12345( 7)In order to avoid a conflict, I find it easier to lie than tell the truth.
12345( 8)I have problems with my own compulsive behavior, e.g., drinking, drug use, gambling, overeating, smoking, use of sex, shopping, etc.
12345( 9)I judge myself without mercy. I am my own worst critic, and I am harder on myself than I am on others.
12345(10)I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis, and I am uneasy when my life is going smoothly; I am continually anticipating problems.
12345(11)I have difficulty having fun. I don't seem to know how to play for fun and relaxation.
12345(12)I am attracted to others whom I perceive to have been victims, and I develop close relationships with them. In this way I confuse love with pity, and I love people I can pity and rescue.
12345(13)I need perfection in my life at home and work, and I expect perfection from others in my life.
12345(14)I seek out novelty, excitement, and the challenge of newness in my life with little concern given to the consequences of such action.
12345(15)I take myself very seriously, and I view all of my relationships just as seriously.
12345(16)I have problems developing and maintaining intimate relationships.
12345(17)I feel guilty when I stand up for myself or take care of my needs first, instead of giving in or taking care of others' needs first.
12345(18)I seek and/or attract people who have compulsive behaviors (e.g., alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex, smoking, overworking, or seeking excitement.)
12345(19)I feel responsible for others and find it easier to have concern for others than for myself.
12345(20)I am loyal to people for whom I care, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
12345(21)I cling to and will do anything to hold on to relationships because I am afraid of being alone and fearful of being abandoned.
12345(22)I am impulsive and act too quickly, before considering alternative actions or possible consequences.
12345(23)I have difficulty in being able to feel or to express feelings; I feel out of touch with my feelings.
12345(24)I mistrust my feelings and the feelings expressed by others.
12345(25)I isolate myself from other people, and I am initially shy and withdrawn in new social settings.
12345(26)I feel that I am being taken advantage of by individuals and society in general; I often feel victimized.
12345(27)I can be overresponsible much of the time, but I can be extremely irresponsible at other times.
12345(28)I feel confused and angry at myself and not in control of my environment or my life when the stresses are great.
12345(29)I spend a lot of time and energy rectifying or cleaning up my messes and the negative consequences of ill–thought–out or impulsive actions for which I am responsible.
12345(30)I deny that my current problems stem from my past life. I deny that I have stuffed–in feelings from the past which are impeding my current life.
____TOTAL SCORE
SCORING AND INTERPRETATION
Add the ratings circled. This score indicates the degree to which you are affected by low self–esteem.
SCOREINTERPRETATION
0–30 Not affected by low self–esteem.
31–45 Traces of low self–esteem. Take preventive action to reduce its impact on your life.
46–61Presence of mild low self–esteem in your life. Take steps to treat this.
62–90Presence of moderate low self–esteem. Take steps to treat this as soon as possible.
91–120 Presence of severe low self–esteem. Take steps to treat this immediately.
121–150 Presence of profound low self–esteem. Take immediate step to treat this and seek out professional help to assist you in this process.
- Overly high self-esteem. If you regard yourself more highly than others do, you might have an unrealistically positive view of yourself. When you have an inflated sense of self-esteem, you often feel superior to those around you. Such feelings can lead you to become arrogant or self-indulgent and believe that you deserve special privileges.
- Low self-esteem. When you have low or negative self-esteem, you put little value on your opinions and ideas. You focus on your perceived weaknesses and faults and give scant credit to your skills and assets. You believe that others are more capable or successful. You might be unable to accept compliments or positive feedback. You might fear failure, which can hold you back from succeeding at work or school.
- Healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem lies between these two extremes. It means you have a balanced, accurate view of yourself. For instance, you have a good opinion of your abilities but recognize your flaws. When you understand your own worth, you invite the respect of others.
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