The Paradigm Shiftsto the Healing Divorce

One way to understand the real challenge facing separated and divorced parents is the choice between two very different types of futures.

Future A (“Destructive Divorce”)Future B (“Healing Divorce”)

Legally complicated / Legally simpler
Living in fear for having assigned
decision-makingto outsiders and
the adversarial system / Living in confidence for having learned how to make decisions together as cooperative co-parents
Investing one’s energy in assigning
blame for the past / Investing one’s energy in building
a better future
Beginning by injuring one’s children
and, through that, injuring oneself / Beginning by saving one’s children
and, through that, saving oneself

We think one of the most important questions to be posed about separation and divorce in our society is why so many otherwise intelligent peoplemake the bizarre choice of the Destructive Divorce—and even stay committed to that bizarre choice for many years.

And we think the chief reason is that the Destructive Divorce has long had a marketing machine far superior to that of the Healing Divorce. The public’s attachment to the Destructive Divorce is supported by years of popular media and culture, the “help” of misguided family and friends, behind it, and sometimes the adversarial and rights orientation of the law.

It is no exaggeration, therefore, that many parents wishing to build a better future for their children and themselves must negotiate at least these twelve paradigm shifts.

1.Maybe this isn't a competition between us, but instead the ultimate call to cooperation.

2.Maybe our issues aren't so much legal as personal, emotional, and parental.

3.Maybe our love for our children will be a better guide for us than our legal rights or litigation.

4.Maybe we have been so consumed with our own hurt and fear that our children’s needshave

become invisible to us.

5.Maybe our children are suffering as a result of our conflict—and in ways we haven't noticed.

6.Regardless of what they say to appease each of us, maybe what our children really want and need

is a predictable, restrained, and courteous relationship between their parents.

7.Instead of being threatened by my children's good relationships with their other parent, maybe I

actually have a vital interest in supporting those relationships.

8.Maybe my failure to acknowledge and deal with my grief has helped drive our conflict.

9.Maybe we can succeed only by partnering to protect our children.

10.Maybe our children require us to have even better cooperation now that we’re separated.

11.Maybe my co-parent’s slips are reason for me to be heroically restrained, not to add to conflict.

12.Maybe the failure of our intimate/marital relationship is no predictor of failure in our co-parenting.

To help parents adopt the better choice,UpToParents.org and ProudToParent.org were built with eight special features.

  1. The websites were made to be uncommonly easy to use—even computer novices can follow the few simple directions required. The materials “come to the user.”
  2. The websites engage parents by using personalization (parents see their children’s names throughouttheir work and write about their children’s specific circumstances and needs) and 15 points of feedback.
  3. The website experience fits diverse learning styles, whether a parent is more influenced by videos, audios, short articles, or reflective writing. Parents are also able to engage the messages at a variety of levels, whether they are interested in only the basic selection of Commitments and Exercise writing (already a powerful undertaking) or more intensive exploration of additional videos and articles.
  4. The websites bring voices from children and adult experts to parents.
  5. The websites appeal to matters most parents naturally care deeply about but have often lost sight of in the midst of the family crisis. These include their children’s specific needs and the chance to rescue them from being at a disadvantage compared to other children, the future, and the parents’ capacities to succeed and reclaim control of their lives.
  6. The websites are available early in the critical “meaning-making stage” of separation and accessed repeatedly, making them potent tools to address an array of topics impossible for professionals to cover and parents to digest in court appearances or attorney, mediation, or counseling appointments.[1]
  7. The website experience can be much less intimidating and much more inviting than many other learning encounters, as it is fundamentally one of guided self-education. While alone, parents can often more honestly consider constructive changes in their thinking and behavior—changes that they can more openly discuss with professionals and the co-parent. The choices parents make in private reflection to do better are likely to be both more honest and more enduring.
  8. The websites allow parents to merge their chosen Commitments into a powerful set of “Agreed Commitments to Our Children,” a document that can be used to guide the parents, but also extended family, friends, and new mates. The instantaneous translation capabilities between English and Spanish can now even facilitate communication for lay persons and professionals across language barriers.

For more information on these unique resources, see:

  • The short memo Professionals Introduction to UpToParents.org
  • The two-minute Video Introduction by Judge Michael P. Scopelitis

Charlie and Barb Asher

Freedom 22 Foundation

6376 Dawson Lake Drive

Indianapolis, Indiana 46220

December 2, 2011

1

[1]That array of topics includes at least the following.

  • Specific dangers to children from parent conflict and the painful and damaging thoughts of children caught in conflict.
  • Children’s vital interest in a predictable, respectful, and courteous relationship between the parents.
  • The chance to chart the best course through the family crisis by one thing above all else: a focus on children’s best interests.
  • The overwhelming mutuality of parents’ true best interests (the chance to reduce their children’s losses, support the children’s good relationships with and good opinions of both parents, make their own decisions, and put their resources into creating a better future).
  • The many opportunities even one restrained child-focused parent can use to create an essential sanctuary for children.
  • A wide range of specific success skills, including creating a “Child Safety Zone,” speaking enthusiastically well to the children about their other parent, celebrating what the children get to do with their other parent, understanding and using true Joint Legal Custody, achieving a child-sensitive separation, and addressing either the possibility of reconciliation or the necessity of honestly confronting grief.