1
To:Charles Ernst <>
From:Susan Bostwick <>
Subject:Here is what you asked for1
Dear Charles,2
Here you go.3 This is the breakdown of our freelance editors and writer’s skill sets,4 as well as our primary marketable services, in addition to a brief evaluation of these areas.
We have the following numbers of each:5
Editors – Development (4), General (3), Proofreaders (69) all in the Academic service industry category.6
-Development (12), General (74), Proofreaders (23) all in the Business service industry category.
-Development (16), General (60), Proofreaders (25) all in the Professional service industry category.
Writers –7 Academic (30), Business (31), Creative (12) all in the Academic service industry category.
-Academic (31), Business (96), Creative (0) all in the Business service industry category.
-Academic (6), Business (40), Creative (20) all in the Professional service industry category.
Here is the other information you asked8 for on our services that we market to the clients, the ones9 we have and the ones we try to obtain.
The areas we are doing well in are Editors who work as development10 Editors. These make us11 a good profit and I recommend we expand this area. Other ones that do quite good12 for us are all the Proofreaders, but I think we should expand here. Ones that can do much better, at least that is what the statistics are showing in the market place, are the creative13Writers who do work for the Business14industry. We get a lot of calls15 for this type of worker, but we don’t have any on staff.
Now the places we don’t do as well in are the academic writers.16 There has been some confusion between the clients and us about what this service is. I know we don’t do the things that others do, like offer “Academic writing services”,17 when they really mean “plagiarized”18 documents, we have to some way figure out how to fix this.19Also, we have too many business writers20 who write business documents. They are always complaining about not enough hours, and I don’t know quite what to do.21
Hope this helps you with your research.22 I am going away on Thursday and Friday, so if you need something ask my assistant23 and she will do anything you want.24 Have a great day!
You’re truly,25
Susan26
Susan Bostwick, HR Manager
WEIS: Writing & Editing International Services
Voice:+1 (905) 345-6789, Ext. 4321
Fax:+1 (905) 345-9876
Email:
1Subject Line Is not specific to the request. Susan was asked to provide specific information; this should be reflected in the subject line. The tone is also unprofessional.
2Opening Salutation Mixed punctuation is used here, therefore what follows the opening salutation is a colon, while the comma follows the closing signature.
3Tone This opening is way too casual, and in some ways could be construed as being insulting to the position of the person being address, i.e., the boss. In an informative direct message, start with the specifics of the request. “As per your request.”
4Conciseness Here is an example of saying the same thing in too many words. The freelancers are the editors and writers. As this is an in house message, it can be assumed both parties know this. Therefore, why write “editors and writers,” when you can use the shorter term of “freelancers.”
Possessives “editors and writer’s skill sets” employs the incorrect use of possessives. As both the editors and writers are plural, and the term “writer’s” is singular plural, then there is a case of mixing singulars and plurals.
Grammar/Spell Check did not pick up this mistake.
5Transition/Clarity To make this sentence a better transition from what comes before and after it, a simple change such as, “The following information reflects the breakdown of our freelancers:” is best. It ties into what is before it, as in you are going to talk about the freelancers now, and what follows, information about the freelancers.
6Wordiness/Repetition What follows in this section is a disaster in wordiness. Take a highlighter and mark the repetition of phrases and words from this section. No wonder the mark of this paper dropped drastically here. A chart form would have used ¼ of the words, and looked pleasing to the eye.
7Formatting/Layout Notice the lack of consistency in the length of the dashes. While this is not a major issue, it does speak to the time spent on the document, and the quality of style the author is willing to produce – in other words, substandard.
8Clarity Same as #5. Be specific to what follows and what is asked for.
9Word Choice The question becomes, of what? The word, “ones,” is over used here, not specific to what the author is talking about, and too casual in tone.
10Capitalization This word should be capitalized as you are talking about a specific type of editor, or editorial group of people.
11Word Choice Can we say, Eek! This is poor grammar. The correct term would be: “provide us with” or “produce.” This reflects poorly on the author of the document, making them look a little dense in their ability to understand the language.
12Good/Well Used the wrong word; should be,”well.” Review the use of good and well.
13Capitalization Same as #10.
14Capitalization No capitalization of business, as the author is referring to the industry at large.
15Tone The use of the word, “get,” is very street language. Note appropriate for this type of message.
16Capitalization Same as #10 & 13.
17Capitalization Same as #14.
Quotation Marks The comma goes inside the quotation mark.
18“plagiarized” It took a few attempts at trying to spell this word, before Grammar Check recognized it, and corrected it.
19Tone Yikes! This is very negative in tone. It is blaming, better-than-thou, and honestly scary when an author takes this tone. This reflects poorly on the author’s ability in being confident in their own abilities, as well as it speaks to the snide nature of the author.
20Capitalization Same as #10, 13, & 16.
21Professional Tone Besides being employment suicide, this is unprofessional in its tone.
22Tone This information should help the recipient, as they asked you to do a specific job. Also, this tone sounds as if the writer is letting go, instead of inviting in, any more interest in the boss’s request. It is imperative for the HR manager to show continued interest in this information, as the results of how the boss looks at this information will impact her job in some way.
23Format Where is the assistant’s name and contact information? It is imperative to have all the parts to a document. Do not forget the contact information.
24Tone This could be construed as being sexist. Be specific.
25Closing Signature First, there is the incorrect word form of the first word; second, the next word is not the appropriate word. It should be “Yours Sincerely,” “Sincerely yours,” or the best option, “Sincerely,”
Grammar/Spell Check Here is a case where Grammar Checker missed an incorrect word usage. Because “You’re” is spelled correctly, and as it is a homonym to the correct “Your,” Grammar Checker could not discern the difference.
26Editing It is obvious from the mistakes in the document that many stages of editing were missed. This speaks to the quality of work the HR manager produces, and as a student writing this paper, it speaks to: the last minute writing; lack of grammar knowledge; the difficulty with writing the student has; and/or the rush of producing a document to just get it done, hence just passing is all you will achieve.