A SPOTLIGHT on a REAL ESTATE AGENT who sits on a small kindergarten sized chair. He is wearing a dark suit. He holds a clipboard and pen.
Kneeling beside him are a MAN and a WOMAN. Their eyes are covered by thick black blindfolds with the white letters B.S on them.
AGENT : So. Have you ever bought real estate before?
MAN/WOMAN : No.
AGENT : First home buyers…
MAN/WOMAN : Yes.
AGENT : I see.
The AGENT ticks his clipboard and smiles
AGENT : Well before I let you see this award winning harbour side development, I want to explain our new Buyer Sensory System for property attachment. Your eyes can be deceiving so the System deliberately allows you to sense a new apartment before you see it.
MAN : By wearing a blindfold?
AGENT : It’s not just a blindfold. It’s stage one of the B.S system.
MAN : I think it’s B.S alright.
WOMAN : I think it sounds exciting!
AGENT : And I think we should begin.
The AGENT stands up.
AGENT : Breathe deeply.
The MAN and the WOMAN breathe in deeply
AGENT : Do you smell the salty Sydney harbour foreshore?
WOMAN/MAN : No.
The AGENT takes out of his pocket a small scented mist spray and sprays it
AGENT : What about now?
MAN : All I’m hoping to smell is the sweat of desperation from a vendor facing bridging finance.
The AGENT leans in to whisper in the MANS ear
AGENT : There is no perfume more fragrant! Here’s a buyer who knows his market!
The AGENT strides proudly
AGENT : Now this quality development has been built on what was once an historically protected foreshore area. And let me tell you, there were a few hurdles ‘magically’ removed in getting the plans through city council - including an Aboriginal land claim, but as if that was ever going to happen! This is prime real estate!
WOMAN : Wow! Sounds perfect.
MAN : Sounds expensive.
AGENT : Concentrate! Anticipate the System and let your senses decide.
The couple stretch out their arms and try to ‘sense’ the house
WOMAN : It feels…
MAN : Small.
AGENT : It has low ceilings and walls purpose built to create a positive Fung Shui.
WOMAN : What’s that?
AGENT : It’s Chinese for ‘Home Sweet Home’.
MAN : Wouldn’t low ceilings be a building defect?
AGENT : It’s architecturally designed! Next impressions?
WOMAN : Pleasant.
MAN : Nice.
AGENT : Work with the System here. Adjectives!
WOMAN : Charming!
AGENT : Better.
MAN : Alarmingly claustrophobic.
AGENT : You’re not even trying! The Buyer System will only attach you if you relax.
WOMAN : I feel it has neat but well appointed ceilings that create a sense of intimacy.
AGENT : (Whispering to the MAN) Your wife has great assets!
MAN : Can we see it now?
AGENT : So eager!
The AGENT removes their blindfolds. They both stand up
WOMAN : Wow! I feel so attached already! This System really works.
AGENT : Naturally.
MAN : It’s like being inside a small box. Where are the windows?
AGENT : There’s always some that will buck the System. Accentuate the positives.
MAN : Okay it’s small but nice.
AGENT : Nice?
WOMAN : I think its amazing!
AGENT : (To the WOMAN) I really like you.
MAN : To be honest it feels like we’re in a closet.
AGENT : It’s called a living room.
WOMAN : Very economically constructed.
AGENT : (To the MAN) Isn’t she just precious.
MAN : Where are the bedrooms?
AGENT : Over there.
MAN : Over here?
AGENT : There. The kitchen is here. The study is there…
MAN : Kitchen?
AGENT : You’re standing in it.
WOMAN : I love it.
MAN : But it’s...
AGENT puts a finger to the MAN’S lips
AGENT : Enough of the nice. You’re destroying the ambience.
WOMAN : It’s got potential.
AGENT : Go with that. Potential! You look like quite the handyman, give it a reno…
MAN : I thought it was new?
AGENT : Knock down a wall and whip up some wooden bi-folds leading onto the patio that faces the direction of the Harbour…
MAN : What patio?
WOMAN : Minimalism is definitely the vogue look for this year in exteriors. And darling we all know how much you used to like Jamie Durie…
MAN : I’m not that handy…
WOMAN : … when he was a stripper.
MAN : (To the AGENT) Can you excuse us for a moment?
The MAN takes the WOMAN aside. The AGENT pulls out the spray and uses it this
time as a mouth freshener
MAN : Honey, imagine we’re playing a game here. A serious real estate game. It’s us against them…
WOMAN : (Sarcastically) Like in Monopoly?
MAN : Not that sort of game.
WOMAN : (Still taking the piss) Well you buy houses in Monopoly, little green ones, it’s so much fun…
MAN : The point is we can’t afford to become emotional about this apartment. I’ve done my research. It’s a buyer’s market. We have the power. So let’s just be cool and act indifferent.
WOMAN : But its great! It’s just so…Sydney!
MAN : (Coldly) Just leave the negotiating to me.
The WOMAN mouths ‘Okay’. They return to the ‘room’
MAN : We’re looking for a place that actually has a bedroom.
AGENT : This is the master bedroom.
MAN : I thought this was the kitchen?
AGENT : It’s what we call open plan living.
WOMAN : I love it!
The MAN stares at her angrily
WOMAN : In an indifferent sort of way.
The AGENT looks at the WOMAN with admiration
AGENT : And what great amenities!
MAN : What amenities?
The AGENT produces a children’s potty from behind the chair.
AGENT : The family that craps together stays together.
MAN : This is insane! This whole place is just one room!
AGENT : We like to say ‘downsized’. It’s the new buzz word in Sydney apartment living. Everyone’s using it.
WOMAN : Downsized!
AGENT : That’s it. Now say it with me.
The AGENT puts his hands amorously on her shoulders
AGENT : Breathing in.
AGENT/WOMAN : Downsized!
MAN : No this is quite unliveable.
AGENT : Big is so last century. Sydney’s fast running out of room. Everything now is…
MAN : Small!
The AGENT looks at him darkly
AGENT : Neatly packaged. Like your lady here, petite but perky.
The AGENT takes his hands away
AGENT : But if you don’t like it I’ve got a group of Latvian dwarves looking to invest coming at four. They love these developments because they’re just so…Sydney!
The AGENT begins to pack up his chair
WOMAN : (To the MAN) Darling let’s not lose this one!
MAN : Alright! We might be…
AGENT : Interested?
MAN : Well maybe…
AGENT : A man who knows what he wants! (To WOMAN) Is there anything more attractive?
MAN : Look let’s cut the crap…
AGENT : Aaah. The bottom line, what we’re here for, a straight shooter who wants to talk turkey.
MAN : (To the WOMAN) I’m well read in the art of real estate buying. I will do whatever it takes to get us a good deal. (To the AGENT) Let’s negotiate.
The AGENT and the MAN square off on each other off like in a gunfight
AGENT : Okay. Let’s start with your wife. Do you mind if I take her to the spare room and shag her?
MAN : What?!? I’m not here to negotiate my wife!
WOMAN : Go for it darling!
AGENT : I’ll drop ten grand off. You see I’ve only got a wee one so she won’t feel a thing. But less is still more…
MAN : Don’t be ridiculous!
AGENT : Alright, you’ve called my bluff. There is no spare room. Could I still shag her here instead?
MAN : No!
AGENT : Listen how badly do you want a good deal?
MAN : Not that badly!
AGENT : I mean I’m a real estate agent. All I do is sell properties and have meaningless, rampant sex. (Pause) So what about you then?
MAN : I get enough!
AGENT : I mean do you want to shag me?
MAN : This is absurd!
WOMAN Remember. Do whatever it takes darling!
AGENT : You drive a hard bargain. Twenty grand off. Don’t make me beg.
MAN : We’re leaving! I want to negotiate the apartment, not my wife!
AGENT : Alright! Everything’s negotiable. Just not your lady. How about you?
MAN : No!
AGENT : Oh Please!!
MAN : I just want a fair price for the apartment.
AGENT : It’s already very reasonably priced.
The MAN grabs the WOMAN by the hand and begins to exit
MAN : Honey?
WOMAN : We haven’t seen the rest of the room yet.
MAN : (To the WOMAN) I’m just trying to get the best deal I can. He’s trying to con us.
WOMAN : It shouldn’t be about money.
MAN : Then what’s it about?
The WOMAN turns away annoyed and lifts up her blindfold again and reaches out
her hands
MAN : There’s a lot I could talk you down on!
AGENT : Such as?
MAN : Poor ventilation.
AGENT : Air is overrated. That expressway out there is filled with exhaust fumes.
MAN : Aha! So it’s obviously a poor location!
AGENT : My friend this is Sydeney. There’s no such thing as poor location. But let’s not talk down, let’s talk up! Let the Buyer Sensory System help you see past these walls into…
WOMAN : I see it!
MAN : What?
AGENT/WOMAN : Your/Our future!
AGENT : Children?
MAN : We haven’t discussed it yet…
WOMAN : Two…
MAN : We’ll never fit kids in this dogbox!
AGENT : You stand on the balcony holding the hands of your two children…
MAN : What balcony?
AGENT : As you admire the magnificence of Sydney Harbour!
The AGENT clicks his finger immediately there is the SOUND FX of the
ocean/surf/harbour/seagulls etc
WOMAN : I can see it darling! The Harbour!
MAN : That’s just a concrete wall!
AGENT : Sometimes being close is just as good.
MAN : This room has no windows!
WOMAN : Look children! A sparkling clear expanse of green, filled with slow moving boats surrounded by tree lined parks and small sea cottages…
MAN : There’s nothing there!
AGENT : And inside the complex at your fingertips…
WOMAN : …shops, schools, churches there’s even a health club!
MAN : You hate gyms!
WOMAN : With lazy Sunday afternoons spent barbequing before a dip in the lap pool…
MAN : And you don’t even swim!
AGENT : City living at its most convenient…
WOMAN : Make mine sun dried tomatoes with fetta cheese dripped on lightly toasted focaccia! We don’t need to go anywhere else. We have finally made it. It is peaceful, idyllic and it is beautiful!
MAN : I see nothing but darkness!
WOMAN : O let me live beside the Harbour until I die!
AGENT : You’ve got to live small to think big!
The MAN is visibly crushed. The AGENT moves behind the MAN and lifts his
blindfold up
AGENT : And don’t forget the twenty seven hole golf course…
MAN : Golf course?
AGENT : Subject to approval but its basically a done deal.
WOMAN : Darling. I want this apartment.
MAN : Well we’re still negotiating…but will you look at the dog leg on the 17th! That’s going to take some beating…
WOMAN : Do you love me?
MAN : Of course. Hand me my nine iron will you…
WOMAN : Then stop putting a price on our dreams. We will be happy here.
MAN : Really?
The WOMAN kisses the MAN
WOMAN : Really.
AGENT : Now there’s a negotiator.
The WOMAN turns to the AGENT
WOMAN : No more adjectives. Just numbers.
The WOMAN takes out a cheque and papers from her pocket
AGENT : I don’t think…
WOMAN : You’ll find it’s a more than generous offer. What do you think?
AGENT/MAN : I think love you.
WOMAN : Naturally.
The AGENT takes the papers off and shakes her hand. The AGENT leans in to kiss
her. The WOMAN turns away simultaneously
AGENT : Congratulations. Your own little slice of Harbour paradise. And no one, except for the banks, can ever take that away! Oh Sydney is full of futures like yours. This is only just the beginning…
The AGENT moves to stand in between the MAN and WOMAN who stare out into the audience
MAN : Honey, I think I can glimpse the water.
WOMAN : Me too darling, me too.
Simultaneously the MAN and WOMAN go to hold hands but unknowingly take hold of
the REAL ESTATE AGENTS hands.
Lights slowly down as the Harbour and busy building SOUND FX
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