/ THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
Offering friendship and understanding to Bereaved Parents, Siblings and Grandparents
Johannesburg Chapter
October 2017
TCF Centre Address: 122 Athol Street Highlands North Johannesburg 2192
E-mail: Fax: 086-203-2355
Website: www.compassionatefriends.co.za
Telephone (011) 440-6322 P O Box 323 Highlands North 2037
In This Issue:
Editorial
Birthdays
Anniversaries
The Phrase that is hurtful
The Grief of Miscarriage
Grandparents
Grief
Losing a sibling as a teen
The Hard truth about staying married
Notices
Meetings
Contacts
/ My Dear Friends,
“…It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. …While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.” Marianne Williamson
We want our children to be back with us, alive and well, full of fun and future. Well, we know that’s not going to be and the next best thing is to feel better about ourselves, better about our future, just better.
Bereavement has robbed us not only of our children but of ourselves too, that “me” that was fairly assured and competent, mostly in control and usually happy. That’s gone but it can return albeit in different guises.
Why are we so scared to restart our lives? Because we know that there are no more guarantees? Perhaps we feel that we have failed as parents to protect our children from death and therefore think we will always fail. Maybe the effort to move from mourning’s grip is just too sapping of our fragile energy. Change is rarely easy, even at the best of times, but we owe it to ourselves, our loved ones and our late children to learn to embrace change.
You may think you are stuck and the road ahead looms long and arduous. BUT sit quietly and take stock. Look back a bit and then you will realize how much you’ve achieved. It’s taken time, yes, and hard work too, but there’s been admirable progress and it’s yours to be proud of.
I am constantly awed by the courage of bereaved families, at your patience and persistence, your realism and resilience, most of all by your love which extends beyond your immediate circle to the larger TCF family. Those small but potent mutual gestures of support and understanding we experience within the TCF fold comfort and guide us and are an injection of hope into all our lives. Never have giving and receiving meant so much.
Marianne Williamson also writes, “We ask ourselves: who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented and fabulous. But honestly, who are you not to be so?”
Please be all this and more.
Much love,
Rosemary Dirmeik
From the book String of Pearls – available from the office.
Non-Denominational Self-Help Organization * FOUNDERS: Reverend Simon Stephens (England)
Linda Abelheim (SA) Reg. No. 001-308 NPO * PBO No930000335 * Fund Raising No.011004490007

“I realized, it is not the time that heals, but what we do within that time that creates positive change.”
―Diane Dettmann,

The Phrase That’s Hurtful For Me To Hear As A Mom Who Lost A Child - Written byDawn Williams

This is how well-meaning platitudes make their way into awkward silences.

Summer has arrived, and with it comes memories of summers past. Glorious ghosts of days gone by when my family was whole and my oldest son was healthy and alive. They are followed by the merciless summers of fear and desperate hope when the reality of his prognosis was upon us.

When your child has cancer, I found that fear is like a rabid dog that has been unleashed upon the safe haven of your life. It is ever present, lurking just beyond sight. Things can change on a dime, sometimes within the hour. I’ve lived it so many times; the sudden icy fear that grips your heart and the dread you have to hide. Feeling like you cannot possibly go on, but you do — for them.

We did this for years for our son, Noah, and I know he did the same for us because we soon learned that fear was our enemy. It made things one hundred times worse. And so we broke a thousand times and put the pieces back together, again and again. Because if this is the life your child has been dealt, the only thing you can do is help make it the best life you can.

“Grief in the loss of a child goes far beyond fear. It is the crystallization of your worst nightmare, and you can never, ever wake up.

But understand this: Grief in the loss of a child goes far beyond fear. It is the crystallization of your worst nightmare, and you can never, ever wake up. Fear is replaced by a more insidious feeling of irreplaceable loss and utter despair. I think it can be so difficult for others to understand how debilitating such a loss can be without experiencing it. It is isolating and cruel.

When you lose a child, the pain runs so deep that it will never be truly healed. So often others are at a complete loss and feel helpless in the face of such deep pain. This is when tired, well-meaning platitudes make their way into awkward silences, especially the phrase“Time heals all wounds.”

As a parent who has lost a child, please, please understand why this phrase hurts me so much, and why it pierces my broken heart and leaves me silent in response.

For while it’s true time helps heal some wounds, this is one instance where time will not heal this devastating loss. Instead, as time goes by, the memories of our loved ones get dimmer and those last embraces become more distant.

Can you remember with perfect clarity what you were doing with your family almost six months ago? Now think about what you were doing 20 years ago; it’s very difficult to remember the details. Consider how this might feel if you are trying to remember a beloved child and memories are all you have.

Don’t you see?

One of the most difficult things to deal with in losing a child is facing the long empty years ahead without their physical presence. As time flows by, memories blur, people forget and life goes on for everyone around you. The distance between that last embrace widens like the gaping wound that is left in our broken hearts.

Now suppose for a moment that time could heal the pain of losing a child. This is the true paradox of grief — as difficult as grief is to live with, as heartbreaking as the pain that consumes your very soul is, I don’t think one parent wouldeverwish time to heal it. We are as connected to our child’sspirit just as deeply as you are connected to your living child. In the case of losing a child, time graduallycreates a space for the grudging acceptance of this separation as we learn a new way of being.

“Bottom of FAs a parent who has lost a child, please, please understand why this phrase hurts me so much, and why it pierces my broken heart and leaves me silent in response.”””

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But just because we own this grief doesn’t mean it’s something that has passed or healed. I think parents dealing with grief are often silent,not because they have nothing to say, but rather because there is so much pain inside, it’s difficult to voice. To lose a child is to lose a part of your soul — the very essence of your being.

Although I am able to laugh and smile and appear to be whole to the world, I miss my child every single day and live with an indescribable loss. It strikes without warning, and I expect it always will.

I know many of you are hurting deeply from loss, your grief as different and unique as the beautiful souls you grieve. And while I do not pretend to know your unique pain, I just want you to know this: I see you.

From the depths of my broken soul, I hurt with you.

I understand that no matter how hard this life is, none of us would ever have traded the time we had with our children for an “easier”life. Life is not perfect for most of us. It is laughter and sorrow, beginnings and endings, darkness and light. And that’s the way life is — perfectly imperfect.

So grieve your indescribable loss.

Cry, scream and mourn your innocent children.

When you are able, pick yourself up.

But know this: You are not alone.

The Grief of Miscarriage by Jessica Zucker, Ph.D.

Miscarriage is so common you would think we would be adept at talking about it and supporting one another during the dark days that follow. Approximately10-25 percentof clinically recognized pregnancies result in loss and yet our society struggles with sufficiently acknowledging the expectable grieving process. What gives? Overcome by a range of emotions, women wade through their grief without a cultural compass.

When it comes to navigating the aftermath of miscarriage, we can do better, and wewill.

Grief Knows No Timeline.

Miscarriage is unlike other types of losses because it is an out-of-order loss; a loss of a wish, a dream, a potential. No one actually knew this developing baby, which makes it all the more complicated to sift through the intense feelings, to create rituals honouring this loss, and to have a sense of how to actually mourn both privately and publicly.

Here’s the thing: There is no time frame when it comes to grieving. Period. We can try as hard as we can to stave it off, push it down, or even ignore it, but typically grief has a way of making itself known regardless of these efforts. We benefit greatly when we are gentle with ourselves during difficult periods — embracing heartache and the meandering experience of mourning.

Take All the Time You Need.

It can be tempting to try to rush through negative feelings. I mean, no one actually enjoys feeling like an altered version of themselves, especially when there is no definable endpoint. However, the more we resist, the more it sticks. Though this might seem counterintuitive, the more we lean into grief, the sooner we swim through it. We can’t really predict how long our emotional pain will last or what it will look or feel like until we actually get to know it and delve into the difficult crevices of heartache.

Judging Grief doesn’t make it go away.

“I should be further along in my grief by now! What is wrong with me?” is a common sentiment expressed by women who have experienced miscarriage. Criticizing our emotional states rarely speeds things along, so it is wise to simply be where you are in the process. No judgment. No timeframe. No expectations. It can be helpful to question where these notions of timelines for mourning are rooted.

Why do we expect ourselves to be in a certain place within a specific amount of time when it comes to miscarriage? Women tend to judge or minimize their grief evidenced by statements like “it wasn’t really a baby anyway” and “I should just move on and focus on the fact that at least I can get pregnant.” These lines of thinking are emblematic of struggling to come to terms of out-of-order loss.

Shore Up Self-Compassion.

Perhaps easier said than done, this point is a vital one when it comes to wading through the aftermath of pregnancy loss. Research has found that a majority of women experience feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame following a miscarriage. Having compassion for yourself during this trying time allows for a more manageable grieving process, especially if you somehow think you did something wrong. You did nothing to deserve this loss. If you find you are blaming yourself, aim to replace self-blame with self-love.

Dare Yourself to Change Culture.

If we collectively resist the silence that surrounds miscarriage, we might have the opportunity to witness a sea change with regard to how culture handles it. This would be revolutionary. Let’s attempt to turn things around so that women feel supported as we work to normalize the conversation surrounding loss. In so doing, the proverbial silence and resulting stigma can be turned on its ear. Miscarriage isn’t going anywhere — it can be a normative outcome en route to creating a family. The sooner we embrace this fact, the faster we can help women feel emotionally held and part of a larger community.

Grandparents’ Grief is unique https://rednosegriefandloss.com.au/support/article/grandparents-grief

“My grief, unique to me, but oh how unfortunately common.

I used to think about the legacy I was leaving my grandchildren when I died, what would they remember about me? I never thought I would have to remember them.

The hopelessness, the frustration, the rage I felt, that not one but two of my grandchildren had died before I got to know them and just as important, before they got to know me. How unfair of life to cause my beloved daughter and son-in-law so much hurt after the expectation of so much joy, terminating in heartbreak.