There Is No Self

There is No Self

The Radical and Obvious Turnaround of the One without a Second

(aka The Donkey, the Carrot, and the Grass)

This cannot be written by the self, that sense of ‘me’ which always wants to know, which always wants to measure and contain.

This can only be written by That which always IS. The One without a second.

But let’s start at the so-called beginning (like the beginning and end of a movie; the start and end of a story). As individual human beings we mostly know a feeling of self and a sense of separation. This basic sense can be seen, with careful introspection and analysis, to be the root of all psychological suffering, to be the core of our human dilemma: our pervasive sense of fear; our urge to be someone and not be no one – very often at the expense of others who also want to be some bodies. Into this mix we can add guilt, remorse, shame, vengeance, violence, greed, desire – in fact all the so-called negative emotions of self interest that religions have tried to control with a spectacular lack of success. Of course, all this sense of self invariably leads to the mother of all fears – the loss of self. Death.

So we try to be good, moral people, defining our morality by the edicts of religion and ideology, but all the time struggling with paradox and confusion. (We shouldn’t eat meat, but now we learn that meat eating was the evolutionary impulse for the development of the human organism. And worse, I hate those who eat meat. And we can have variations of this analogy using something else, just in case you’re offended by the mention of meat.) But, inevitably we end up conflicted and confused. And we either admit to it, or we don’t (most likely if we’re teachers of transformation and change, we don’t). We don’t let on that our desires still get the better of us; or that we spend years fruitlessly trying to transform them because we were told that wholeness cannot be reached any other way. So we’re scurrying about in a maze of self-improvement, with the carrot of the future promising wholeness, enlightenment, the manifestation of all our desires (but were we not just a moment ago trying to transform them, or are these good, wholesome desires?). So the carrot’s always there for the self, but what’s this always below my feet? Surely? No, it cannot be, let’s keep focused on the carrot. I can see me reaching it with the next breakthrough, the most enlightened teacher, the latest process.

So, we see possibilities in psycho-spiritual techniques and processes. There may be big or small shifts, and unbounded energy may be released as old patterns of thought and behaviour dissolve or get re-arranged. For some, we feel like we’ve just won the lottery.

But self is still there, claiming the prize. And the prize, then, is invariably a booby. We now become addicted to the person or process, or both, that we think helped to make the shift. We become evangelists of angels or the techniques that will set us free. We proclaim our wholeness, and if the shift was big and the energy is still coursing through the system, others say they can feel it, and we are made. Or almost. We’re just about touching the carrot, which now we proclaim is in the Now, although we know, but don’t let on, that I really think I’m going to get it in the next Now. But they think I’ve got it. But what’s this beneath my feet?

We’ve got the cutting edge for the personal conflicts, the family traumas, the corporate chaos. But we’re really floundering in confusion as we see the greedy, the fearful manipulate their way in a world that we have the answers for. Except for one tiny detail; we, too, are the greedy and fearful, but we think we’re less so given that we’re almost touching the carrot of perfection. What is the problem again?

Oh, yes. It is our stories of a broken self needing to be healed, needing to be connected, needing to attain unity consciousness or a silent mind. And this can’t be wrong, because we’ve experienced it; by the teacher’s grace or her words, or both. The carrot’s real, we say, but what’s this about looking down at my feet? We understand the bit about separation, the nondual perspective and the disconnection of our fear. Yes, this is the higher understanding, not the kind of beliefs that are the cause of separation (how we snigger at the New Age lot, but just in case, let me get that new book on channelling). This we understand. It took a long time, but, by God, it was worth it. And the carrot’s swinging our way, or so it seems.

We have the answers; all we have to do is be more intent on implementing the remedy. And if the remedy is non-doing, then surely I must do more of it. And no talk of standing still and seeing what’s beneath my feet. The carrot is all there is.

We go over our battle plan. Yes, we have the enemy firmly in our sights (the change of metaphor makes the carrot appear as the enemy, but that’s not intended). And the enemy is thought. So few see this, but we have. So we meditate or deconstruct, or both, and silence of the mind is ever around the corner, but ever elusive. Teachers exhort us to try harder, or to stop trying, but neither really works.

Then, in a blast of recognition, we find the centre of our turmoil, and it’s our self. The one that wants to be whole. The one that wants to have no ego, and we are unable to do anything about it. Because we are it.

We scream and rage, and then, exhausted, we stand still. Chuck me farley! There’s grass beneath my feet, and that carrot – it’s plastic!

Something gives up. And we see what we’ve always been, the One without a second, without there ever being a self in the first place. We don’t even try to make sense of it because … and there’s no adequate description of what happened or didn’t happen. We can’t even say we were confused, asleep or hypnotised (however apt as working analogies), or anything, because they would all be stories. We don’t know what’s happened, but here we are where we’ve always been, whole and complete, and that dream of separation never even existed. The donkey, the carrot and the grass just disappear and were never there to begin with.

All we apparently had were ideas of self, and ideas of wholeness; really ideas of everything. But these do not constitute a self. Who sees this? The One without a second, the Totality which we are. But this is not another idea (it used to be); just what is, just seeing which has always embraced every story, every movie of the mind. I was never lost or broken, nor could ever be; it was never even a dream, but what it was and is can never be known. And rampant thought is no longer the enemy, it never was. But there is an apparent difference. There being no self, there is no self to believe in thoughts. Just thought doing its thing, including creating an image of self. Thought is like a mirror which reflects an image which we say is me. But the image has no reality outside of the mirror; it’s a distortion of that which it reflects, and within the mirror itself it cannot be grasped. It has no independent reality. Yet, daily we look at our mirrors and say, without careful examination, that is me. But even the mirror is only an analogy. Thought is more subtle. It assumes the identity of that which it reflects, the seeing which animates it all. (Think of this assumption of identity in this way; we go about life carrying a mirror to constantly confirm who we are. Without the mirror we feel we would be lost.) This animator we can call Consciousness or Awareness, or Totality. But these are only words, not the fact itself.

This is not a state. Most teachers of enlightenment or transformation are talking about a state, a construct of thought believed to be that which we really are. Another mirror, no matter how finely polished. There is no constant awareness; there is no lack of it. There just Is. There is no self fixated with finding no-self. There just Is. There is no real understanding of this through thought. There just Is. One without a second. Spotless, awake to Itself

And thought? It carries on as before, but there’s no believer in it, nor was there ever. And the personality is a garb of convenience, a thing of time arising from the timeless.

So the whole show of ‘me’ arises because of a belief in self, in a ‘me’ which doesn’t exist. And now, inexplicably, a mystery really, there’s no belief in self, but beliefs may arise, and suddenly you’re the One. And there’s no you. And this is not a belief, just what Is.

If this has exasperated or confused, good. Thought can never figure it out. This is not like a narrative written to inspire and entertain; stories are nothing but plastic carrots. And, yes, this can also be a carrot…

In a few words. There is no you, so everything that ever had to do with a you (becoming a better person, enlightened, etc) is thrown out by this simple discovery that you’re the One. And there’s no you. The good news is that ‘you’ never did anything. There were happenings through an apparent doer, happenings with no independent existence, but conditioned by the whole of Life. But because you’re the One, the Totality, you also take full responsibility (more precisely, responsibility takes you fully).

Postscript

Within the story of an individual’s life, the above account, which traditionally might be called an awakening, appears to have taken place after a period of three months of acute suffering, where the nature of the suffering caused an intense stripping away of self-image. But that’s the story within the timeline. In actuality it’s something completely acausal and mysterious.

30 January 2006

© Kriben Pillay