Nana Smee
Pg 4-5
Nana And what little darlings they are, just look at them. I think it’s important to let kids be kids, don’t you?
Ichildproofed the house … but they still get in! They grow up so quickly, seems like yesterday they were only babies, you spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up!
The kids tighten the ropes and Nana pulls an ‘I’m tolerating you’ face
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young. I don’t have kids of my own, my relationship is like an iPad.
John But you don’t have an iPad?
Nana (makes a face to say ‘exactly’) I’ve just never met Mr Right. (Audience respond) Oh it’s a lot sadder than that - (audience respond) but still, you never know what’s around the corner.
She instantly looks at a man in the audience
How about you? You’ve had your eye on me since the start, what’s your name? (Audience member responds)
Well hello (name), are you married, (name)? (If they say yes) But not happily (and wink)? (If they say no)
You’re not, it’s your lucky day!
Nana gets knocked over by the kids and they bundle on top of her laughing
Page 29-30
Nana Hi kids, hi (name of audience member from earlier), did you miss me? (To that same audience member) I know you did, meet me in the bar after, I’ll give you my number, (winks at him). Do you like my new frock? Thought I’d go with the pirate theme, since this is a pirate ship. You know I always thought pirates were a horrible bunch but this lot are dears. I asked Captain Hook where Neverland is. He said it’s in the ocean between America and Australia, I said, you need to be more Pacific! I tried to play cards last night, but it was impossible, do you know why? The captain kept standing on the deck. You know, I used to have a fear of sailing, but that ship has sailed. Captain Hook is so helpful, he’s out now looking for Peter Pan and my darlings, he cares so much about Peter.
Tinkerbell huffs
Nana (to audience) What was that?
Audience Tinkerbell.
Nana Tinkerbell, what’s that?
Audience A fairy.
Nana A fairy, oh nonsense, I don’t believe…
Tinkerbell Don’t say it!
Nana (noticing her) oh, I hadn’t noticed this huge cage. Who are you?
Tinkerbell I don’t speak to pirates.
Nana I’m not a pirate.
Tinkerbell Well you look like one.
Nana Well I’m not, I’m Nana Smee, I’m only here to find the children I look after, Wendy, John and Michael.
You won’t have seen them being trapped in a cage.
Tinkerbell I have seen them, I know exactly where they are.
Nana Tell me.
Tinkerbell Why should I? You need to do something for me first.
Nana Anything.
Tinkerbell Get me out of this cage.
Nana Of course I will, I would’ve done that anyway, why are you so angry?
She lets her out
Tinkerbell I’m not angry, I just don’t trust people easily. The person I trusted most in the whole world, Peter
Pan, let me down and then I ended up in this cage.
Nana Peter Pan, Captain Hook knows him too, they’re great friends.
Tinkerbell Great friends? More like sworn enemies.
Nana Well Hook says…
Tinkerbell You can’t believe a word that man says, he’ll say anything to get his way, and his way is having
Peter dead.
Page 13
Nana enters through audience covered in seaweed and an anchor
Nana (to the audience) Oh am I pleased to see you lot. I’ve been flying all night, I couldn’t catch up with the children, then the dust ran out and I just fell into the sea. Oh look, a boat! Help, let me come aboard.
She goes up onstage, then sees the Jolly Roger flag
Oh no, pirates! Pirates, what have I done? (To the audience member from the start) You’ll save me, (name), won’t you? If I get in trouble?
Pirate 5 (points at Nana) A girl!
Hook This is the girl, are you sure? Looks more like a man to me.
Nana How dare you? (Said with a male voice) Er, I mean how dare you? (Said in a Dame voice)
Rum Er no, this isn’t her.
Coke She was younger.
Hook Well who the devil are you then?
Nana I’m Nana Smee, sorry to bother you. I’m a nanny you see, it’s my job to protect them, they just jumped out of the window. I had to follow, but I couldn’t keep up. I’m not as fit as I used to be.
Hook is signalling to a couple of pirates to get rid of her, they get swords out
But I have to find them, have you seen them? I’m looking for two little boys and a young girl.
Hook A girl? (He signals to the pirates to stop)
Nana Yes, Wendy, and I know it sounds crazy but I think I saw Peter Pan with her.
Rum Peter Pan!
Coke Captain Hook hates …
Hook Has nothing but respect for my dear old friend Peter Pan. (Hook turns on the charm as he realises he may
be able to use Nana to find Peter) I’m actually trying to find him myself, perhaps we could work together.
Nana Oh would you?
Hook Welcome aboard the Jolly Roger, let me lead you to the kitchen.
Nana Cheek of it. Good job, I like cooking. Looks like a few of you could do with a good hot meal, don’t you
ever cook for yourselves?