The Incredible Doctor Guttmann

STAGE

THE INCREDIBLE DOCTOR GUTTMANN.

STOKE MANDEVILLE. 1944.

NO MAN’S LAND.

HENRY TRYING TO DEFUSE A BOMB. THE SIGN UP – CAUTION! UNEXPLODED BOMB!

LIGHTS DOWN. SMOKE SWIRLS. FADE UP A RADIO DIAL AS IT TUNES IN. SNATCHES OF MUSIC, CROWDS CHANTING, THE LOW SOUND OF BATTLE, AN OPERA SINGER’S VOICE…

THEN SUDDENLY:

V/OThe 1st February 1944. The Times reports the Fifth Army has launched a strong offensive from the Anzio beach head. The Russians are advancing closer to the Estonian Frontier. There are heavy RAF attacks on Berlin. The total number of bombs dropped is five thousand tons.

The question now is this. Are we just fighting the war?

Or are we winning it?

POPPA AND SISTER MAYNARD ENTER,

JANETI want to welcome you to your new ward, Doctor Guttmann.

POPPAThank you.

JANETThe Board apologise for not being here in person. Regimental dinner.

POPPABusy men?

JANETThere is a war on. Never busier.

I am deputising. Sister Maynard.

They wanted you to know this is a great day for Stoke Mandeville. We are now the first military hospital to have our very own dedicated unit for spinal injury. Twenty six beds.

POPPAIn a tin hut.

JANETActually we prefer the word prefabricated.

POPPAWhere the wild wind blows and the windows shake and the tea cups rattle in their saucers.

JANETWell, as you well know there is a national shortage of bricks.

POPPANot for the other patients.

JANETTrue. But the other patients will be discharged, Doctor Guttmann, and go back to active duty. They need to be housed nearer to the facilities in the main building.

POPPAWhilst all the cripples can be thrown out here into a dust bin.

JANETI don’t like that word.

POPPAI’m sorry. Does ‘dust bin’ offend you?

It is where you discard things.

JANETCome, come…

POPAUseless things. Human rubbish. Half dead already.

AN SS GESTAPO OFFICER STRIDES IN. HIS BOOTS CRUNCH ON THE BROKEN GLASS.

OFFICERHeil Hitler!

POPPA Good morning, Officer. I am Ludwig Guttmann, Medical Director here at the Jewish Hospital.

OFFICERTell me, what is all this glass everywhere?

POPPAThe hospital was attacked last night. Windows were smashed everywhere.

OFFICERWhat kind of appalling coward would attack a hospital?

POPPAI am asking myself the same question.

OFFICERIt can’t be our people. They are not cowards. They only chose legitimate targets.

POPPAThe Synagogue was legitimate?

OFFICERA nest of provocation, Herr Doktor, unbalanced and extreme. We have to cut now to cure later. Surely you as a doctor understand that?

How long have you been the Director here?

POPPAFive years.

OFFICERYou give off such an air of natural authority. Your patients must love you.

POPPAI don’t want them to love me. I want them to get better.

OFFICERQuite. Now I understand you gave the instruction to admit any male last night.

POPPAI did.

OFFICERSixty four new patients. Tell me please, what justified this new policy?

JANETDoctor Guttmann?

POPPAI am wrong, yes? Rubbish

JANETIf that was the case, why would the Board have asked you to take charge of a ward and not a mortuary? Opening this ward is a big step.

POPPAPlease understand me, Sister Maynard. It’s not as if I blame you, or anyone else here, because I don’t. Nothing destroys morale more than a hopeless case and nothing matters more to the military mind than morale. Every leper colony was put on the edge of town.

Q ON.

QIt’s ready.

JANETYes?

QEven got one of the lads to paint this.

HOLDS UP SMALL SIGN BADLY PAINTED – DOCTOR GOODMAN.

POPPADoctor Goodman?

QQuarter Master Sergeant Thomas Hill. Remedial Therapist. I give the patients merry hell.

POPPAHow do you do that? Art lessons?

QIt’s for your office, Doctor Goodman.

JANETGuttmann.

QReally?

POPPASo I have an office?

QOh yes. How do you spell it?

POPPAAnd the X Ray Cabinet. Where will my Secretary work?

JANETSecretary?

POPPANaturally I need a Secretary.

QI don’t know about that. We’re putting you in a disused bathroom off another ward.

POPPAMaybe she’ll sit in the bath.

JANETThe Secretary is a separate issue.

POPPAWhich end do you suggest she sit? The taps might prove a problem.

JANETI was there at the meetings…

POPPAAnd I sit on – how you call it – the Watering Closet?

JANETWhen exactly was the question of the Secretary raised?

POPPAThere are details, and then there are details. Are you seriously expecting me to run this unit without one? That would be highly irrelevant.

JANETIrrelevant?

POPPASorry – irregular. Irregular! To the intended success of the unit and thus the glory of the entire hospital!

BEAT.

QI suppose you’ll want a new sign too.

JANETI shall request a secondment. I can’t promise.

POPPANo need. I have already appointed.

JANETYou have?

POPPAExcellent, she comes with all the references. You see how I may your job easier?

Next – nursing staff. How many?

JANETTwo.

POPPATwo?

JANETIncluding me. There is a new nurse starting, her name is Aitkens.

POPPAInexperienced?

MSA quick learner I’m told.

POPPAShe needs to be. They’ll be a lot to learn. Orderlies?

QThat’s my department, Doctor Guttmann. Eight. All from the Polish Army.

POPPAWhy Polish?

QI find they combine obedience and cowardice. All you have to do is threaten them with going back to the front and that’ll guarantee they work their socks off.

POPPAHard workers then?

QWhen scared properly.

POPPADo they speak English?

QNot all of them, but I shout.

HENRY LEANS IN – HE IS COMING TO A CRUCIAL POINT.

POPPASo let me get this right. The Board has asked me to open a unit for Spinal Injury with a staff that won’t understand what I tell them, an administration who will type letters out of toothpaste and shaving cream, and in a building that you wouldn’t inflict on a herd of cows in the middle of winter?

QBlimey. They weren’t wrong, were they?

POPPAExcuse me?

QThey said you liked to make a fuss. ‘Watch out for that one’ They said, ‘He can be awfully German’

POPPAI can be awfully Jewish too.

QLook, you’ve heard there’s talk of a second front. It’s practically common knowledge. We have to plan for significant casualties.

POPPAAnd when they arrive, what do you expect me to do?

JANETWe expect you to manage them, Doctor Guttmann.

POPPAManage?

JANETListen, a spinal injury is a drain on resources. It offers no possibility of rehabilitation, you know that. Nothing we do will ever make a difference.

POPPANothing?

JANETNot in my considerable medical experience, Doctor Guttmann, and I have worked in this area for seven years. I thought the Board’s instructions were made perfectly clear.

POPPAClarity is addictive. Tell me again.

JANETAll we can do is make the patients comfortable with the proper sedation – and wait.

POPPAWait for what?

JANETThe inevitable. That is all we can realistically do.

POPPA PICKS UP A METAL BEDPAN.

POPPA What are these?

JANETSurely you don’t need me to tell you that.

POPPAHow many?

JANETThirty or so.

POPPAThere are thirty. Thirty metal bedpans. You see, I did my homework.

QCounting bedpans?

JANETThen you’ll know they’re regulation issue.

POPPANot anymore. We want to prevent pressure sores not create them. Take them away.

JANETWhat?

POPPA THROWS THE METAL BEDPAN AT JANET AND Q WHO CATCHES THEM.

POPPA STARTS STACKING THEM UP IN HIS ARMS.

POPPAI said take them away!

QSteady!

POPPAGet rubber ones instead!

JANETRubber? Where am I going to find those?

POPPAI don’t care. Find them. Because I don’t believe in ‘nothing’. As the brand new Director of the Spinal Injury unit at Stoke Mandeville I declare this my very first commandment, Sister Maynard. When my patients need to piss in a pot, by heavens it’s going to be a rubber one!