The Family and Addiction

THE FAMILY AND ADDICTION

Course Description

HOURS: 10 hours for Freedom Series / 24 hours Samaritan Series (Edited Student Guide for CityVisionCollege)

Instructors: Jean LaCour, PhD, CAPP and Rev. John Cox, MAR, CAP

The family is a complex system designed to support development of healthy children and relationships. As you will discover during this course, family dysfunction can both create, and arise out of, addictive behaviors. The student will come to understand the family from both a Biblical and a systems perspective. This course will address issues of developmental needs; family bonding, boundaries, roles and rules; codependency; and other core issues in recovery.

Recovery from addictions does not have to result in family discord and breakups. During this course you’ll learn how counseling for the family (spouse, children, parents and/or siblings) provides the forum for lasting and powerful change, as well as breaking addiction related patterns for coming generations.

The Family Business

Support Human Development

To encourage and support development of healthy human beings.

(Taken from works by Erik H. Erikson)

A Source of Meeting Human Needs

God created man with needs and a logical pattern for meeting them

Dependent  Independent  Interdependent

People learn healthy vs. unhealthy pattern of behavior for a number of different reasons; Unmet needs may be a critical driver of addiction; Caution regarding “changing behaviors” without addressing unmet needs.

Needs typically met/unmet by the family include:

(Table adapted from “Top Ten Intimacy Needs, Intimacy Press)

Human Needs: / Supportive Family Tendencies: / Ineffective Family Tendencies:
Communication / Open, honest, sincere, direct / Can’t express thoughts, feelings, fantasies, desires
Boundaries / Firm, but not rigid, age appropriate, / Rigid or enmeshed ego boundaries, closed system
Acceptance / Unconditional, forgiving / Conditional on performance, parental idealization; blaming
Relationships / Love, affection, positive regard / Minimal stroking, unhealthy competition
Provision / Provision of basic needs / Basic needs not met, or unpredictable
Family Order / Peace and orderliness / Controlled madness, chaos
Freedom / Autonomy, differentiation / Loss of freedom, disabling of wills
Respect / All have dignity and value / Abuse, transference of shame, put downs
Met Needs / Needs met, ok to ask / Individual needs overlooked, unsafe
Family roles / Chosen and flexible / Members assigned roles by family to compensate for parental denial and projection
Life Problems / Acknowledged and resolved / Problems ignored, family is in delusion, denial and fear of exposure
Accountability / Accountability, discipline, appropriate consequences / Minimal accountability, poor discipline
Atmosphere / Fun, spontaneous, accepting / Frozen feelings, no emotions, perfectionism, tension, lots of escapism (ex:TV)

The Family as a Place of Unfinished Business

Unfinished Business = Unmet Needs

Why Study the Family/Our Past?

Biblical Direction (Isaiah 51:1)

“Look unto the rock from which you are hewn …
“ Look unto Abraham, your father and Sarah, who bore you ..”

Much rooted in early messages

Must address past issues to move into

Grieve what never was

Need to old hurt (blocks) to receive from God today

Resistance to Discussing Family Issues

Mixed feelings (loyalty, shame = “double binds” and “conflicted)

Family rules

Guilt over dead family members

Fear of looking ungrateful

False pride, fear you’ll think less of me

Minimizing or really not understanding impact of family

Not recognize “normal”

Importance and Impact of this Study

Understand the past to better understand past decisions, including impact of things like:

Unmet needs
Lack of significance
Overloaded, or backlogged, emotional capacity
Fear
Masked pain

Make better decisions in the future

Personal Impact of the “Family” course

Understanding Shame

Definition

Impact and Associated Behaviors

(Adapted from “Shame: Thief of Intimacy”)

Impact / Behaviors
Low Self-esteem / (self-rejection, abandonment and alienation) Shame base becomes established in our hearts only when we begin to take sides against ourselves and come into agreement with the voices of unacceptability that we think we hear around us. It’s like stepping outside of one’s self and saying, “Something really is wrong with you. You don’t have what other people have. I don’t like you either!” This disowning of one’s self probably doesn’t happen in a single event, but becomes an attitude over time.
Prevailing
Low-grade depression / When we have decided we are unacceptable, we cannot help but have an inner sense of depression about ourselves. This condition can not always be judged from the outside. Some crack jokes and try to keep people laughing. Actually, it’s a façade for their own inner sadness. Much depression is caused from a “loss of self.” When we reject ourselves we have “lost” ourselves in the most literal sense of the word.
Shame Grid / External events and circumstances tend to indict us. A shame grid is like a filter that sifts all incoming information and gives it a little bit of a twist so it becomes a negative statement about us. In actuality, we’re the person most often indicting ourselves. A compliment about someone else is not heard as a compliment about them; it is heard as an indictment about me. This is especially true if the affirmation is in an area where I get some of my identity. When someone is lauded for accomplishments in these areas, in my ears it often becomes a judgment about my inadequacies. Although the statement was not associated with me, my feelings of not being enough, having enough, or doing enough are stirred afresh.
Compare and Compete / The acceptability of ourselves as people with shame depends on how we compare with others. WE know what the acceptable standards are in any given area. Our view of ourselves depends on how we measure up to those standards. Even if we’ve dropped out of competition, it may not mean we’re free of shame; it may only mean we gave up altogether. As a defense, we may become hostile about the standard, even loudly decry it, but inside we’re still not free. We’re only trying to change the standard so we can compete. Shame also causes us to focus on what we deem our “unacceptable” parts so that even our successes are made of no account; ex: a student who gets all A’s feels like a failure because she is overweight.
Can’t bear criticism / Those with shame do not differentiate between who they are and what they’ve done. Any criticism is heard as an evaluation of themselves as a person. When someone says, “You made a mistake,” they hear, “You are a mistake.” For them, hearing that something is wrong means they are wrong. That hurts. Often their response is to leave the relationship, job, etc.
Blame others / Related to #5. Mistakes are interpreted as a personal judgement, so they must find someone else to blame.
Don’t belong / They feel they’re different from others, and others know it just by looking at them. Aware of a certain “correct” standard in the world that one must meet, they feel they never quite make it. Keith Miller expressed his feelings of not belonging when he wrote, “it was as if other people had been given a secret manual about how to get along and be loved and at home in life; and I hadn’t gotten one!”
Excruciatingly self-focused / They can be in a room of 50 and feel like everyone notices and judges them. One very average size woman said, “I never get up and walk across the room at social gatherings, because I know everyone will look at me and think how fat I am.” Similarly, they feel that every mistake will be remembered forever. They often go home and replay everything they’ve said all evening.
Appearance oriented / How things look is what is important, not what is real. They have to look like the perfect Christian family, or the perfect Christian couple, even if they’re dying inside. The worst thing is not that they don’t have it together, it’s that others will find out they don’t. Shame is increased by fear of exposure.
Idolatrous / This means that they get their identity from something other than who they are in Jesus: their performance, things, someone else’s performance (ex: family). For some of us, the idol is Christian ministry – getting our worth from what we’re doing for God instead of what God has done for us in Christ.
Addiction / Self-alienation results in alienation from others. Addiction is an attempt to fill our hunger for real relationship with things or activities, rather than true interaction with people. Food, alcohol, drugs, TV, pornography, reading, work, Christian ministry, helping others (not to be confused with genuinely relating to others), can all be attempts to escape the painful feelings of inner isolation.
Want Intimacy, but Push it away / When others begin to respond with overture of intimacy, shame based people often sabotage the relationship. Intimacy means exposure, and, in their minds, exposure means pain and humiliation. People deeply affected by shame have spent their whole lives protecting themselves and will not easily let their guard down.
Extremes / (black/white; all/nothing) Either they become perfectionist or give up altogether. Ordinary is not OK. What they do must be done perfectly to prevent their own flaws from being exposed. Or they do nothing because “nothing” cannot be criticized. Rigidity in interpreting life situations and spiritual realities.
Unaware or Dishonest with Feelings / They become experts at stuffing emotions. Feelings hurt too much and make them vulnerable. A person with shame sees feeling as weakness, something to be guarded against. They become experts in talking in thinking words, not feeling words (ex: “how did you feel when you were fired? “ “Well, I didn’t think it was very fair. I thought my boss was a jerk!” As opposed to, “I felt betrayed and hurt. I was scared I wouldn’t find another job. I felt like a failure.”
Tired / Self-protection, even if unconscious, is hard work. Working in concert with our efforts to hide our “unacceptable” real selves from others is our instinctive drive to construct an “acceptable” self that we offer to the world. Because this is the work of our own hands, not the creative energy of God, it drains us.

Shame Leads to “False Core Beliefs” (foundation of addictions)

I am basically a bad, unworthy person;

No one would love me as I am;

My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others;

My addiction is my most important need;

I am bad because my addiction is my most important need.

Pain

Pain develops over the Life Cycle (See Appendix)

“In the world you will have tribulation” (John 16:33)

Each “Developmental Cycle” contains a range of “typical sources” for wounding and pain.

Each source of pain can be expected to produce a range of outcomes unique to the individual’s developmental cycle.

Examples include:

Childhood / Verbal Abuse (rage, ridicule, blame), Divorce / Withdrawal, bed wetting, low self-esteem, etc.
Adolescence / Parental domination, Marital discord/divorce, Peer rejection/ridicule / Moodiness, anything to “belong,” or escape

Cups DO Run Over!

Pain Masking Addictions

SEGMENT: UNDERSTANDING FAMILY SYSTEMS

Segment Overview:

The Family as a System
Dysfunctional Family Systems

Bonding
Boundaries
Rules
Roles
Rituals

Understanding Codependency

The Family as a System

Early Discoveries/Simple Systems

Characteristics of “Systems”

Adult Children of Alcoholics

A Systems Model (from “Contrary to Love”, Carnes)

Elements of The Model: Cohesion

Elements of the Model: Adaptability

Dysfunctional Development Cycle

What’s a “Dysfunctional Family”?

Dysfunctional Family Bonding

Process of Developing

Influences on Development

Dysfunctional Family Boundaries

Process of Developing

Influences on Development

Poor Boundaries

Perfectionist
Selfishness
Parental idealization
Controlled madness
Punishing, permissive
Unhealthy competition
Abuse toleration
Disabled will – lack of freedom
Diffused intergenerational boundaries
Enmeshment – identity loss
Unrealistically high expectations

BOUNDARIES: A POEM
Boundaries ……
They define you
They give you shape
They let you know who you are
Boundaries …..
You always have boundaries
Let someone else choose them and they’re
restrictions
Choose them yourself and they’re
Principles!
BALANCING BONDS AND BOUNDARIES
EXTABLISHING BONDS / ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES

The Genogram: Finding Family Patterns

Dysfunctional Family Rules

Development

Most Common/Powerful (Video:“Children of Denial”)

Don’t Talk – Rule of Silence
Don’t Trust – Rule of Isolation
Don’t Feel – Rule of Denial
Don’t rock the boat – Rule of Rigidity

The Full List (from “Lost in the Shuffle”, by Robert Suby)

It’s not ok to talk about problems in public.
It’s not ok to talk about/express feelings openly.
Don’t address issues of relationships directly.
Always be strong, good, perfect.
Don’t be selfish.
Do as I say, not as I do.
It’s not ok to play.
Don’t talk about sex.
Don’t rock the boat.

Impact

Dysfunctional Family Roles

Purpose

Major Roles (Video: “The Bottle Family”)

Enabler/Rescuer
Responsible Child/Hero
Scapegoat/Rebel
Lost Child
Mascot/Clown
Placator/Peacemaker

Impact

Dysfunctional Family Rituals (AKA: Games People Play)

Definition/Purpose

Most Common Rituals

Blame game
Shame game
Performance trap
Approval addict
Sex games
Self-sabotage
Power monger

Understanding Codependency

Karpman Triangle

Persecutor

Rescuer Victim

Characteristic Patterns of the Codependent

Excessive caretaking

Low self-esteem

Repression

Obsession

Dependency

Lack of trust

Controlling

Poor communication

Anger

Denial

Weak boundaries

Sexual problems

Traits of the Codependent

Self-Forfeiture, Resigned to helplessness

Self-Contempt, Resigned to worthlessness

Self-Importance, Desperate to control

Self-Sufficiency, Desperate to Stay Safe

Self-Deception, Committed to denial

Anger, Range

Fear, Obsession

Four Origins of Codependency: Survival, ACOA, Obedience to False Rules, Spiritual Striving

SEGMENT: THE HEALING PROCESS

Breaking Dysfunctional Cycles

Counseling Considerations

Continuum of Care

Progression and Recovery for Alcoholism

Interventions (can be seen as a technique for creating a “bottom”)

Purpose

Preparations

Roles/Responsibilities

Cautions

Pacing/Maturity: Many Issues Addressed Over a Series of Stages (adapted from Healing the Child Within, Charles Whitfield)

RECOVERY
ISSUES / RECOVERY STAGES:
EARLY / MIDDLE / ADVANCED / RECOVERED
Grieving / Identifying our Losses / Learning to grieve / Grieving / Grieving current losses
Being Real / Identifying our real self / Practicing being real / Being real
Neglecting own needs / Realizing we have needs / Identifying our needs / Beginning to get our needs met / Getting our needs met
Over responsible for others / Identifying boundaries / Clarifying boundaries / Learning to set limits / Being responsible for self, with clear boundaries
Low self-esteem / Identifying / Sharing / Affirming / Improved self-esteem
Control / Identifying / Beginning to let go / Taking responsibility / Taking responsibility while letting go
All or None / Recognizing and identifying / Learning both/and choices / Getting free / Freedom from all-or-none choices
Trust / Realizing trusting can be helpful / Trusting selectively / Learning to trust safe people / Trusting appropriately
Feeling / Recognizing and identifying / Experiencing / Using / Observing and using feelings
High tolerance for inappropriate behavior / Questioning what is appropriate and what is not / Learning what is and is not appropriate / Learning to set limits / Knowing what is and is not appropriate; or if not, asking a safe person
Fear of abandonment / Realizing we were abandoned or neglected / Talking about it / Grieving our abandonment / Freedom from fear of abandonment
Difficulty handling and resolving conflict / Recognizing and risking / Practicing expressing feelings / Resolving conflicts / Working through current conflicts
13, 14 / Difficulty giving and receiving love / Defining love / Practicing love / Forgiving and refining / Loving self, others and the Higher Power

Address Generational Patterns

Recognizing Patterns

Breaking Patterns

Individual Considerations

Break the Rules/Refuse the Roles

Challenge False Beliefs

Reverse the De-selfing

Accept Responsibility

AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY

IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

1 / I WALK DOWN THE STREET.
THERE IS A DEEP HOLE IN THE SIDEWALK!
I FALL IN!
I am lost ….. I am helpless …..
It isn’t my fault! It takes FOREVER to get out!
2 / I WALK DOWN THE STREET.
THERE IS A DEEP HOLE IN THE SIDEWALK!
I PRETEND I DON’T SEE IT.
I FALL IN AGAIN.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place,
But it isn’t my fault.
It takes A LONG TIME to get out!
3 / I WALK DOWN THE SAME STREET.
THERE IS A DEEP HOLE IN THE SIDEWALK.
I SEE IT THERE.
I still fall in …..It’s a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am
It IS my fault!
I get out IMMEDIATELY!
4 / I WALK DOWN THE SAME STREET.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I WALK AROUND IT!
5 / I WALK DOWN ANOTHER STREET!!!

REMEMBER:

ADDICTION IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT ------

EVENTUALLY THE WHOLE FAMILY GETS TO PLAY!!!!!

NTISTUDENT GUIDEPAGE 1

THE FAMILY AND ADDICTION