The Eridge Cricket Tour 2016 the Where S the Rest of Em? Tour

The Eridge Cricket Tour 2016 – The “Where’s the rest of ‘em?” Tour

CAST LIST

Tom “Gator” Cary
Tony “Chappers” Chapman
Jannie “Big Show” Conradie
Luke “Frank” Forbes
Ashley “Fish” Goldsmith
Tim “Rooster” Hancock
Tom “Minty” Parminter
Jake “Pooj” Pooley
Mike “Poo” Pooley
Mark “Sticky” Utting

FRIDAY 8th JULY 2016

A merry band of 10 hopeful Tour-goers gathered at Eridge Park at 8am on Friday morning – for Sticky and Gator it was not a moment too soon after a 10 minute journey endured beneath 2 cricket bags and other paraphernalia in the back of Fish’s Peugeot!

Such was the sparsity that “La Decima” stood around for a good 10 minutes before everyone realised that that really was it and there would be no last minute arrivals from a Harris or an Ellis or even a Vander!

There were two Tour rookies – one more familiar than the other. Rooster had skilfully avoided the Tour for the previous 3 years, but this time he failed to come up with an excuse in time. The other newbie was Jannie Conradie (or “Big Show” as he was to be Christened later in the weekend!) – a work colleague of this year’s Tour Manager Ash Goldsmith who reluctantly took up the role in a Caretaker capacity with Tour veteran David Ellis busy changing nappies.

It was now that Fish revealed the good news that Arreton had been unable to raise a team for the traditional Friday night thrash so the cricket tour was quickly turning into a Golf Tour with Browns Pitch and Putt now the likely destination for Friday afternoon.

Gator and Big Show jumped in with Fish, leaving the other 7 in the capable hands of TC and his van and the next time they met up it was in the familiar surroundings of Arundel – where upon arrival there appeared to be a lack of available space (despite Sticky calling ahead the previous day). Jake and TC had already wandered in and placed their orders, but the impatient 8 decided to do something that is very rare on Tour – something different! They all crossed the road for brekkie in The Swan – despite Poo being denied a beer by the picky barmaid who declared that they never serve alcohol before 11…despite doing exactly that for at least the previous 5 years or so!

Across the road meanwhile, Partners Café owners were “doing their nut” that they had lost out on 8 customers having “come in early especially for us” (and presumably for all of their other customers!). As a result, we took it like men and sneaked out the side door of the pub and jumped into our vehicles before speeding away, with Portsmouth the next destination.

It was never likely to run quite as smoothly this year without the silver-tongue of Alan Ellis to sweet talk the steward at the ferry port, but after arriving at a record-breaking 11:20 for a 1pm ferry, Fish was told in no uncertain terms that they would not be allowed on an earlier Ferry due to all crossings being fully booked. Unperturbed, La Decima parked up nearby and wandered across towards a pub on the other side of the docks which proved to be a deceptively long way away – meaning a quick pint (or a JD & Coke in Tony’s case!!) was all we had time for.
A packed ferry queue meant that there would be no chance for any Tennis Ball footy keep-ups this year – but after all “thus izzernay a futbull putch”!

Aboard the ferry, the wolf pack quickly descended upon the quiz machine and started up on “Deal or No Deal” which turned out not to be a quiz game – but despite nobody really understanding what was going on, we won a fiver which was then spent on actual quiz machines as we proved just as terrible at general knowledge as in previous years.

So with no cricket on the immediate horizon, we headed to The Sloop for a leisurely lunch which was just as well given that Poo was denied his first 3 preferred luncheon options as they had “just run out of that” and then when Gator had the last slice of steak and ale pie, the poor chef declared to a perplexed Poo that “I’ve gone and forgotten to put more pies in” – going on to explain the mistake by saying “It’s been absolutely mental in here today…breakfast…then lunch…mad….mental”. He didn’t receive a great deal of sympathy from Poo who was forced into having the carvery!

Jannie seemed to be integrating well into the group – following up a beer on the ferry with a “Bloody Orange Bumlers” – little did everyone know that he would thence forth challenge and beat Frank to the title of poorest drinker of the weekend!

At about 3pm, everyone piled back on the van and into Fish’s car and made for an early arrival at the Eastmount where Jill (clearly upset by the absence of “Daaaaaaayyyyyyyyve”) mistook Sticky for Fish and then doled out the room keys. On the ground floor, Rooster shared with TC, while Eridge monopolised the first floor with Big Show in with Fish, Poo in with Sticky and in a controversial move which Frank had little or no say over, he was paired with Gator! Pooj and Minty took the top floor suite.

Fish and Big Show had the pick of the rooms with the Caretaker Tour Manager making the 4-poster bed his own, leaving Big Show the single bed or either of the bunk beds. Unfortunately their bathroom was not so generous – and given the amount of time Big Show spent in there during the weekend this was to prove a bit of a problem!

After Fish had unpacked and hung up all of his belongings, all of La Decima piled onto the van with Minty sprawled across the cricket bags at the back for the 15 minute trip up to Sandown to the Pitch and Putt.

Rooster joined Frank, Minty and Pooj in Group A - who started their round on the longer yellow tees, leaving Fish, Big Show, Gator, Poo and Sticky starting on the reds. Big Show started like a train but as if to prove he was a Saffer, he choked badly on the back 9, leaving Sticky to win by 2 shots in Group B.

There was time for another “Bumlers” and some ales for the chaps in the clubhouse afterwards and some random magician turned up for an evening slot there and he made us all look like mugs with a few card tricks – all of which were much more impressive than Frank’s hit and miss efforts over the weekend!

Back to Eastmount then for a quick shower and an amble up towards Coriander (the newly renamed Purple Mango) for our traditional Friday night curry. All seemed to be going well until the local tosspot turned up looking like a mummy and after 10 minutes of seemingly good-natured banter with what we assumed to be his mum’s new Portuguese boyfriend, he flipped and called him a “P@ki c***” before correcting himself and calling him a “Portuguese c***” and then picking up a few glasses from the shelf and hurling them at him! Welcome to Shanklin Jannie and Tim!

After all the commotion we were hesitant about going in the Townhouse, but Minty spotted a female who was at least a 5/10 smoking outside the pub and before we knew it, we were in there, playing our first game of Killer Pool of the weekend…the first of many!

We stayed til last orders but then hit the hay with Fish receiving a worrying message from Beefy that Westover were struggling for players for the Sunday game. Terrific!

SATURDAY 9th JULY 2016

After playing tag-team on the toilet through most of the night, Fish and Big Show donned their Hawaiian shirts for breakfast – unfortunately the rest of the crew were more reserved, leaving them looking a bit odd – especially when they realised that you had to sit at your designated table now, rather than sitting where you like – so they were perched between a couple of pensioners who were giving them very strange looks!

Apart from the seating arrangements, the rest of the breakfast setup was as you were, with Cruella De’Vil, Smiler and the boy with a ferret on his head all on duty and The Burbs in attendance yet again! Scrambled eggs still seemed to be avoided at all costs and the sausages were still lacking everything that you might wish for in a sausage!

Nonetheless, we demolished as much as we could and then made for the pool for the eagerly anticipated pool volleyball with inflatable net v2 and oversize tennis ball v2 raring to go. Fish and Big Show joined Rooster in a quick trek up to the town. Big Show had forgotten some “going out” shoes, so he spent a tenner on some horrendous treads in “Shoe Zone” before telling the checkout assistant “No mate, I don’t want the polish preserver for £5 cos I’m never going to wear these shoes again after tonight”!

Volleyball commenced upon their return with all bar Rooster and TC throwing themselves around the pool like a group of guys who hadn’t played any cricket the day before!

Around 11am we ventured towards Porchfield, stopping in another new pub for lunch. Fish by now was chasing Westover to see if they had enough players for Sunday’s game but so far had only got voicemail.

Better news on arrival at Porchfield – it was dry (if very windy!) and they had 12 players so were able to lend us a couple of fielders for their innings which started at 1:30pm after they won the toss.

Captain Frank threw the new ball to Big Show Conradie who had spent the last 24 hours telling everyone how we was going to bowl at 80mph and smash sixes for fun…his first ball was a 55mph dribbler down the leg-side. His pace and direction improved gradually through his 9 over spell, but he went wicketless and was complaining of back pain by the end of the spell.

At the other end Pooj was operating effectively and in his 5th over he made the breakthrough as Corbin chipped to a backpedalling Frank at mid-off to take a good catch. The other opener (G Pratt – no, not that one!) then fell to the same combination and when Gordine was snaffled awkwardly by Big Show at mid-wicket in Rooster’s 2nd over, Porchfield were 56/3.

Paddick and Hooper steadied the ship and runs came much more freely when Goldsmith came on for a twirl into the stiff breeze. It seemed no matter what he did, the ball was holding up nicely for the batsmen but he did pick up Paddick for 39 thanks to a good low catch in the covers by Pooj.

Unfortunately this hastened the arrival of Pat Morris with the score on 119/4 after 34 overs. He immediately hit Goldsmith for 3 successive boundaries and then latched onto anything loose from Minty who had replaced Rooster at the pavilion end.

Goldsmith improved his figures by spinning one back through the gate of Hooper for 35 but Morris remained and ended up on a rapid 76*. Minty picked up the wickets of Oliver and Price with Forbes taking another catch.

Eridge’s fielding got pretty ragged towards the end with the wind baffling Sticky at cow a couple of times but at least he didn’t make a complete mug of himself as Goldsmith did at long-on when Morris sent another missile into the deep. Initially he ran in, only to backpedal furiously, leaping over the boundary rope and narrowly failing to get a finger on the 6…on landing he stumbled and went head over heels and ended up face down in the long grass. He was later awarded the “Champagne moment” by the home side – winning a pack of 3 local ales!

Porchfield finished on 222/7 from 46 overs as the players rushed off to tuck into the superb tea.

Clearly Eridge needed to start well in reply, needing to score at about 6 an over but they did not get the start they were after as Minty decided to give some slip catching practice to a ball which probably would have been a wide had he left it. Eridge 9/1.

Frank brought himself in at 3 and he was immediately into rhythm, hitting a couple of boundaries as he and Sticky took the score up to 50. Sticky was then adjudged lbw by Minty to Hooper for 21 and Gator Cary followed soon after for 2 with Hooper cleaning him up.

Poo arrived at 72/3 with the run rate required up at 7 an over, but he responded well to the pressure as Porchfield’s change bowlers proved slightly less accurate and runs started to flow. The pair added 115 in just 14 overs when Poo missed a short one from Haytor and was lbw.

Big Show Conradie wandered out swinging his bat with intent and he nearly perished first ball as he hacked one to mid-wicket but a tough chance was put down. The next ball was smeared for 4 though and the Saffer was off and running (albeit gingerly with his glass back!).

Frank hit another boundary at the start of the next over but then reacted angrily when Big Show turned down his request for a 2nd run to keep the strike for the last 2 balls of the over. The first of these rocketed to the fence and the final one disappeared over long-on for a huge six! Frank was understandingly apologetic at the end of the over!

Opening bowler Callum Capon returned to the attack as a final throw of the dice and it worked a treat as Frank chipped one back to him to depart for a sublime 119, leaving just 13 to get with 3.2 overs to go. Goldsmith hit a two first ball, then scrambled a leg-bye off the final ball of the over to leave 10 off 3.

Frustratingly he hit the first 3 balls of the next over straight at fielders and with tension mounting he called Big Show through for a single when he creamed the 4th ball to cover and the Saffer was run out by a couple of yards.

Pooj came out and blocked out the rest of the maiden. 10 off 2.

Goldsmith hit 5 off the first 3 balls but then Pooj swiped and missed, leaving Rooster to wander out as the 9th and last man. He played out the final 2 deliveries calmly. 5 off 1.

Hooper’s first ball was full and wide enough for Gator to give an extra – despite his protests. Goldsmith hit a two then a single to tie scores and with a ball to spare, Rooster coolly guided a wide ball past gully to seal a dramatic one wicket win.

There was no barbecue afterwards, but Porchfield were their normal hospitable selves and the teams shared a few pints in the clubhouse after the game and Capon shared some advice about where (not) to go out later “don’t go Newport, it’s a dump”…advice that fell on deaf ears!

There was good news from Westover at the end of the game as they confirmed 10 players were available and it seemed that the game would be a goer on the Sunday.

It was the normal quick turnaround at Eastmount after the game with all bar Tony making the trek to the Village Inn – some via Chubbys for some more healthy eating! With a taxi booked for Newport at 10pm (as late as Frank could get it for), we only had 45 minutes or so in there but that was plenty of time to finish off a couple of pints, a round of vodka and red bulls and the obligatory tray of shots – limoncello this year!

As the taxi arrived, Pooj suddenly announced he was staying put with Sticky, Poo and Rooster to predictable cries of “he’s under the thumb”. The five survivors were Fish, Gator, Minty and Big Show in Hawaiian shirts and Frank who seemed to have misunderstood the dress code and dressed like Cotton Eye Joe instead!

Big Show suggested we went into Yates first to “get our hands stamped to save time later” which proved to be a good shout after a woeful half hour trying to get served in the sauna that remains the Hogshead next door. Round after round of shots and jagerbombs were despatched until we were all drunk enough to get on the dancefloor and at least pretend we had heard of any of the songs that were playing – at least until “Will Grigg’s On Fire” came on and we jumped around like idiots! The lesser known “Shake It” by Metro Station was enjoyed by Frank the Tank in particular.

At around 1am, Gator and Fish decided it was time to go and get some grub, leaving the other 3 in the club and Minty to pick up some new Facebook friends. With Gator queuing for a burger, Fish suddenly had Mr Capon from Porchfield up in his grill, asking why we had not heeded his advice from earlier on? Apparently he lives in Newport but had just got back from a great night in Cowes and insists on taking us there next year instead. He also identified Minty’s new friend as the woman who derailed his parents’ marriage. Awkward.

As Gator’s burger arrived and the other three finally caught up, some bloke appeared in a massive inflatable dinosaur outfit. Nobody knows why even now!