The Boating Party

The Boating Party

A One Act Play

By

William Merrell

Early Version of Strand Street Theatre Performance

Setting

Center and right stage is a rustic bar on the TexasCoast. Decor is predominately ships’ artifacts and fishing gear. Center stage is dominated by a wooden bar. Behind the bar is a large reproduction of Renoir’s “The Boating Party”. A door leads to a “back area”.

To the right and front of the bar are two old tables, each with chairs. Far right stage is the base of a pier that “extends” offstage. On the wall is a Texas Maritime flag. On the bar is a large glass jar half-filled with dollar bills. Under the jar is a sign “Take what you need, replace if you can.” Nearby is a sign “Beer $1”.

Left stage or above the bar is a small “radio office” enclosure — a table and chairs with microphones, a turntable, tape deck, etc. It is clearly a place separate from the bar.

Characters

Doc Cannon —RetiredTexasMaritimeAcademy professor who owns and runs the bar.

Hope Cannon — Student at the TexasMaritimeAcademy and Doc’s daughter.

Beth Barnes — Professor at Texas Maritime and Doc’s longtime girlfriend.

Billy — Hope’s boyfriend, a stud muffin and red neck shrimper.

Percival Lancelot ‘Squirrelly’ Hurley — Professor and the DJ, announcer, etc. of the TexasMaritimeAcademy’s local radio station.

Fred — Texas Maritime student and Meredith’s boyfriend.

(Note: Fred can be eliminated. His lines read by Meredith)

Meredith — Texas Maritime student and Fred’s girlfriend.

Heather — Texas Maritime student and new corps commandant.

Kim — Texas Maritime student and son of Vietnamese “boat people”.

Chief Bubba Purvis — Chief of Police of the Texas Maritime Academy.

Elwood Hoodwink III — Attorney with Seitz, Schmalz, Schwarz, and Klein

(Note: Seitz, Schmalz, Schwarz, and Klein are TexasA&MUniversity at Galveston faculty. The name of the law firm would change for performances outside of Galveston.)

Dr. Spinbender — Member of and spokesman for the executive team

2 — KKK Bad guys.

The Ghost of Constance Cannon — Doc’s wife (deceased) and Hope’s mother.

ACT 1 - SCENE 1

Lights come on in the bar area; the radio office is dark.

It’s 6:00p.m. A birthday party is winding down. Mostly eaten cake and unwrapped presents are on the bar. Doc, Hope, Beth, Billy and four students (Heather, Fred, Meredith, and Kim) are present. The four students leave, waving good-bye.

Students: Happy Birthday, Hope. Great party.

Hope: Thanks for coming and for the presents.

Billy takes Hope’s hand and walks toward the “door”.

Billy: Happy Birthday, Sweetheart. Many happy returns.

Hope: Thanks, Billy. And thanks so much for the necklace, it’s beautiful.

Billy: Not as beautiful as you. Sorry I have to go; but I’ve got to be on the shrimping grounds by nightfall.

Hope: I understand. Be careful.

They hug, a brief kiss, and he leaves.

Beth: Hope, you’re the one who had better be careful. Both the boy and the necklace look pretty serious.

Hope smiles and places her hand on her necklace.

Beth: Time for me to go, too. I could use a little sleep. Finals start in the morning and I need to see if I’ve been able to teach the King’s English to those sometimes hardheaded Maritime students. Happy Birthday, Hope. Bye, Doc.

Hope walks her toward the door. Doc doesn’t move.

Hope: Thanks for the present. You always seem to know exactly what I need.

Beth: You’re welcome. Give me a hug.

They hug briefly.

Doc: (weakly) Bye, Beth.

Beth smiles at Hope, looks at Doc, hesitates as if she were going to speak to him but instead leaves.

Hope: Dad, are you and Beth having problems?

Doc: (nodding) I’m the problem. She doesn’t understand why I don’t want to get married. But, let’s not get started on that subject.

Doc reaches behind the bar and pulls out a large briefcase.

Doc: Sweetheart, there is something that we have to talk about today. I guess it’s time. I heard Billy call you Sweetheart tonight. You know that’s what I’ve called you for the last 21 years. I’ll need to learn to share.

Hope walks over and hugs her dad. They sit at one of the tables. Doc places the briefcase on top of the table.

Doc: I made a promise to your mother that I’d wait until your 21st birthday to tell you about her will. Just before Connie died she set up a trust for you. I was designated as the administrator while you were growing up; but, as of today, it’s all yours.

Hope: Dad! Why didn’t you use the money? I wouldn’t have cared.

Doc: Don’t worry. I also have a trust. Mine is a little smaller though. I’ve been using the earnings to do a few things around here that needed doing — like buying some wetlands and…

Hope: You’ve been helping that mysterious environmental trust buy land?

Doc: Sweetheart, you don’t understand. I am that trust — and the historic preservation trust — and the early education for children program — plus a few others.

Hope: But, they’ve spent millions.

Doc: Yes I have. The environmental trust alone has spent thirty-two million, seven hundred thirty-two thousand, four hundred sixty- three dollars and thirty-two cents. At least that’s what my attorneys at Seitz, Schmalz, Schwarz, and Klein claim on my latest statement.

Hope looks doubtful. Doc removes a large stack of papers from his briefcase.

Doc: This is the latest statement on your trust. These are the stocks and bonds.

He hands her about two thirds of the stack.

Doc: They’re valued as of close of business Friday. These are the real estate and oil holdings.

He hands her the rest of the stack.

Doc: They’re valued at cost. Most have appreciated significantly, so the total here underestimates…

Hope: Dad, you’re not serious!

Doc: … the worth of your trust; but its book value as of Friday was just over two hundred and thirty-two million dollars.

Hope: Stop!

Doc and Hope stare at each other.

Hope (subdued): You are serious.

Doc: Yes I am. We also own two properties together — this bar and that old house we live in.

Hope: Dad, I can’t take any more. You’re turning my world upside down.

Hope stands up.

Doc: Sorry for that, Sweetheart; but I did make a solemn promise to your Mom.

Doc gestures for Hope to sit down.

Doc: Now, for the hard part. I haven’t told you much about Connie — about your mom — except how much she loved you and that she was sweet, kind, gentle, beautiful…

Doc takes a deep breath and composes himself.

Doc: Well, it’s all true. But you also need to know about your Mom’s last days and her dreams and hopes for you. Her hopes for you – I guess that’s why we named you Hope. She would be proud to see what a fine person you turned out to be. All of her hopes for you have been realized.

But a little over twenty-one years ago, our hope was simply that you would come into this world alive. When your Mom was six months pregnant, we found out that she had cancer. The prognosis wasn’t good. And she made the decision to refuse treatment because she was afraid she might lose you.

Somehow, Connie got it in her head that she wanted to see the great paintings of Europe before she died. Your Mom was very fond of the impressionists, especially Renoir.

Hope gets up and stares at ‘The Boating Party”. Doc looks at her but continues talking.

Doc: I argued against the trip. But, as always, her will was the stronger. We traveled as far as the East Coast where she took a turn for the worse. I checked her into Columbia Women’s Hospital, a wonderful hospital in Washington, D.C. She got better, but the doctors said that she couldn’t travel.

Hope comes back to the table.

Doc: So, I took her to see every piece of impressionist art in Washington. The Boating Party was her favorite. It was at the Phillips’ Collection. Everyday I would get her into her wheelchair and we would go over to see that painting. She didn’t say much but she could sit for hours — holding my hand — staring at “The Boating Party”.

Then you arrived. Connie was so happy, but in bad shape. She could hardly move but when I brought you into the room, her eyes sparkled. One day, when you were taking a nap, Connie sat up and started yanking her tubes and monitors off. When I tried to stop her, she grabbed my arm and pulled me to her. She hugged me with an intensity that still scares me. Then she made me promise to raise you right and that I wouldn’t tell you that we had money until you were twenty-one.

Connie grew up rich, but didn’t have a very happy childhood. She thought that too much money corrupted young people. It was certainly true in her family, except, of course, for her.

Doc hesitates. His eyes drop.

Doc: She died that night. I swore to myself that I would never marry again. I buried Connie and brought you back to Texas. I was shocked at the amount of money in her will.

The only change that I made in my life was to quit my job teaching at Texas Maritime and open this bar. This place has never done that well. In fact, I give needy students more out of the honor jar than the place brings in. But it’s been a good excuse for me to spend a lot of time with you.

Lately, Connie’s money, I mean our money has been a burden on me. I have tried to use it for good; but I worry that I should have spent more on you. I guess your Mom knew best.

Doc hesitates and looks at Hope who has tears.

Doc: You really have turned out well.

Hope: Daddy, I love you.

Doc puts the papers back in the briefcase and places the briefcase behind the bar.

Doc: Sweetheart, let’s feed the osprey and head on home.

As they move out on the pier, Doc flips a switch on the wall.

Doc: Birthday Party’s over, we might as well turn on the Texas Maritime station again.

Hope: Dad, why do you enjoy listening to that weird station so much?

Doc: Just like to keep up with what’s going on….

Hope walks ahead. Doc smiles, makes a “gun” with his hand and points it at the speaker horn.

Doc: Zap

As Doc leaves, the speaker horn comes to life with dated rock and roll music; the bar darkens.

ACT 1 - SCENE 2

Lights come on in the radio shack. In the radio shack, playing the music and dancing wildly is Squirrelly Hurley — the DJ, announcer, etc. of the TexasMaritimeAcademy radio station. — Call letters — KRUD

The music winds down. Still gesturing wildly Hurley begins the news. Hurley cannot simply read the news but instead must either act out the news or give strong “body language” approval or disgust at what he is reading.

Hurley: The Zapper has struck again! Right here, in the sacred halls of the Academy. Flyers, signed by the Zapper, have been posted all over campus. They document the deplorable use of Maraschino Cherries in the student and faculty dining halls. The Zap Man points out the numerous problems with red dye and artificial flavor. But his most shocking revelation is that the pickled cherries never, I repeat never, pass from the digestive system. Instead, the foul fruit forms fermenting pockets in the lower digestive tract. These unfortunate growths are commonly referred to as Butt Nuggets.

Hurley examines his backside. Spinbender walks in. But remains in the back of the room.

Hurley: The campus administration responded quickly with a twelve-page, single-spaced memo from the executive team. In it, they contend that the Maraschino Cherry is a nutritious fruit of exceptional taste that stores well without refrigeration. When asked about Butt Nuggets, the executive team admitted they all suffered from them but that they were caused by other unspecified activities.

Hurley makes loud sucking sounds looking at Spinbender.

Hurley: On a related matter, the Zapper’s missive from last week documenting the sorry state of iceberg lettuce on our campus has drawn sharp response from three parties. The students, in total approval, have formed S.A.I.L. — Sail — Students Against Iceberg Lettuce — and vowed never to eat that brown slimy, scum-infested crap again. Not to be outdone, the faculty senate, after only four hours of debate, formed F.A.I.L. — Fail — Faculty Against Iceberg Lettuce. The vote was 2 to 1 with 52 abstentions.

On the other hand, the executive team announced that they would ban S.A.I.L. and F.A.I.L. from the campus. Tomorrow, in an active demonstration of their leadership, the e-team will lunch in the student dining room and each consume, and I quote, “an entire head of delicious, nutritious iceberg lettuce”.

In other action, the team voted unanimously to change our leader’s title from Admiral to (Hurley lets out a loud Duh-daa) CMO and Admiral; CMO, of course, stands for Chief of Maritime Operations. In an exclusive interview with this announcer, CMO and Admiral Waffle stated, and I quote, “Admirals come and go; but there is only one CMO”.

Finally, the executive team agreed to continue to ban faculty and students from the swimming pool. This is so the Ladies Auxiliary Swim Team, led by CMO and Admiral Waffle’s wife, Cherry, can practice unimpeded by splashing or other annoying behavior. As always, the vote was unanimous.

Lights out Texas Maritime. This is Radio K— R — U — D —KRUD! — Signing off. Let me leave you with the KRUD thought for the day. ‘There are more horses asses than there are horses.’ Tune in tomorrow at 1616AM. Put KRUD in your life.

Spinbender walks over to Hurley.

Hurley: A member of the executive team. What’s up, Spinbender?

Spinbender: That’s Doctor Spinbender to you Professor Hurley. I simply came to report that the e-team voted to remove all funding from the campus radio station and reassign station employees. We warned you time and again that your accurate reporting was making us look stupid.

Hurley: You can withhold the funding and move the staff. But you can’t shut down the station. The license is with the governor.

Spinbender: I’m sure that the governor will agree. He’ll be here later in the week. Meanwhile, you won’t last long without money or staff.

Spinbender leaves. Hurley looks around the small office.

Hurley: We’ll see about that. What the hell! I’ll sleep here.

Radio lights fade to dark.

ACT 1 - SCENE 3

For a short time, the entire stage is dark with the sounds of the Texas coast filling the stage. Lights slowly intensify showing the bar area. It has been straightened with all traces of the birthday celebration removed. A pot of coffee sits on the bar.

Hope enters and pours a cup of coffee. She moves to the door behind the bar and opens it.

Hope: Dad, are you here?

No answer.

Hope: That’s funny. His truck’s here and the coffee’s made.

She looks “out”.

Hope: He must be up on campus. That’s strange this early in the morning.

The radio blares and lights go on at the radio shack. Hurley is wearing pajamas, robe and slippers. Lights in bar area stay on. Hope is busy, preparing the bar for opening, as she listens to the radio.

Hurley: Texas Maritime, rise and shine with the KRUD thought for the day. ‘Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.’ Next, a KRUD special report. In a marathon session lasting well into the night, the executive team voted to form two new campus organizations F.O.I.L. — Foil — Friends of Iceberg Lettuce — and A.U.F.I.L — Aufil — Administrators United for Iceberg Lettuce.

Although encouraging all right thinking people to join FOIL, they limit membership in AUFIL to; you guessed it, themselves. AUFIL’s first official meeting will be at noon today when the e-team lunches on their heads of lettuce. In addition, CMO and Admiral Waffle announced that he will consume no less than 100 Maraschino Cherries for dessert. Waffle further stated that this action proves once and for all time that the Zapper is always wrong. Reminded that the Zapper was correct last month in his assertion that there were toxic wastes on campus, the CMO and Admiral responded, “Lucky guess”.