The Awkward Age
“Revised Pilot: House Hunting”
Written by
Thomas Cox and Keiran Harris
Created by
Thomas Cox and Keiran Harris
First Revised Draft
2nd Draft Revisions
3rd Draft Revisions
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
SCENE A
EXT: SUPERMARKET - AFTERNOON - ESTABLISHING
INT: SUPERMARKET - QUEUE
Zach and Cameron, two twenty-something guys are waiting in the express line each holding a bottle of GATORADE. The checkout next to them is closed. Cameron begins to open his drink and start drinking it. They have clearly been exercising - wearing SHORTS and T-SHIRTS and have been sweating.
ZACH
What do you think you’re doing?
CAMERON
What?
ZACH
You can’t start drinking that before you pay for it? What if your card is declined?
CAMERON
That’s unlikely.
ZACH
But it’s possible.
CAMERON
Well that’s how they do it in restaurants.
Cameron is distracted by the bald spot of the man in front of them. It is MR. PHELPS, Natasha‘s father but we will come back to him later.
CAMERON (WHISPERING)
Hey check it out. Bald patch.
ZACH
Hey don’t you start, it could happen to you shoeshine. Besides, we were on a subject…
CAMERON
No but look, it’s the shiniest one I’ve ever seen. I can see us in there…
Cameron waves at the bald patch. The queue hasn’t moved.
ZACH
You’re right, that does have unprecedented lustre.
MR. PHELPS moves his head slightly around as if he has just overheard their conversation. At the same moment a teller comes to open the adjacent register. She gestures to them to enter her aisle.
TELLER
(calling out)
Excuse me. You can come down here.
She is talking to everybody in the queue but Zach and Cameron react first and immediately get up to the register --- in front of MR. PHELPS. He is not happy about this and huffs angrily but it is unnoticed by the boys.
ZACH
Just the Gatorades thanks.
He looks disdainfully at Cameron.
ZACH (CONT’D)
I guess I got them.
CAMERON
It’s like you said, “No smoke without fire.”
Zach is fumbling around in his back pocket for his wallet when he hears this. He gives Cameron a weird look before double taking and looking at him again. Then he looks at the TELLER who is similarly bemused.
TELLER
That’s four fifty.
Zach struggles to get his wallet out of the back pocket of his tight jeans.
CAMERON
I don’t know why you wear those. It’s like you’re trying out for Hamlet.
When Zach finally emerges with his wallet, he clumsily drops it on the floor. In front of Mr Phelps. Both Mr Phelps and Zach bend over to pick it up, gently brushing heads. Phelps still looks irate.
ZACH
Thanks.
He pays the teller and walks off without waiting for the receipt. TRACKING THEM as they walk off.
CUT TO
CAMERON (WHISPERING)
Oh man, you touched it. What did it feel like it? Was it gross?
They both look back at Mr Phelps who is still staring after them angrily.
ZACH (WHISPERING)
Let‘s just say I understand why his hair left.
On their infectious laughter we…
CUT TO
EXT: ROAD – ESTABLISHING – DAY
INT: CAR – DAY
(Cameron, Zach)
Zach is driving throughout the scene. They are on their way to inspect some prospective rentals.
CAMERON
Hey Z, how long have you and Natasha been going out now?
ZACH
(checking his watch)
Nearly 19 months.
CAMERON
Wow, that’s specific. I would’ve been happy with “a year and a half”.
ZACH
I know what you would’ve been happy with.
CAMERON
I know you don’t have a calendar on your watch, don’t think that’s getting by me. So how come you didn’t want to live with her? Seems like the mature thing to do.
ZACH
I couldn’t deal with the lack of sponge. Why would anyone not have a sponge in their shower? It’s like being on school camp again. You know, with those tiny bars of soap that are supposed to last all week? I can’t live like that.
CAMERON
Like a cheap motel room.
ZACH
My rule is at least a loofah.
CAMERON
What is a loofah anyway?
ZACH
How can you not know what a loofah is?
CAMERON
I guarantee you no guys our age know what a loofah is. Probably not high on the Wikipedia request list.
ZACH
That’s only because no-one knows how to spell it. Besides, how do you explain me knowing what it is?
CAMERON
I’m still not convinced you do. I think it’s more likely that you found a large rock in your bathroom one day, assumed it was that “loofah” thing you’d heard of during Starsky and Hutch re-runs and have been punishing yourself with it ever since.
ZACH
Look, there’s barely any chance of that being true.
Zach’s sleeves are rolled up as he is holding the wheel. Zach looks down with concern at a series of cuts on his arm. He quickly pulls his jumper down as cover.
ZACH (CONT’D)
Anyway, when it comes down to it, I just don’t think an ordinary sponge cuts it anymore.
CAMERON
Why stand when you can sit?
ZACH
I’m not sure that applies here.
CAMERON
Well what do you expect? I’m clearly out of my depth. At least it seems like it could conceivably relate to shower-based situations.
ZACH (SARCASTICALLY)
And we know how many of those there are…
CAMERON
I have a theory on camp soap.
Zach looks at him as if prompting him to continue.
CAMERON
It must start out as a big bit of soap and they just never chuck it out. Like it whittles down.
ZACH
That’s possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. And wouldn’t that theory apply to all soap, not just camp soap.
CAMERON
Is it that impossible?
ZACH
Yes. Yes it is. Firstly, I’ve never seen a large bit of soap at a camp in my life and by your theory, once it runs out they would replace it with another large bit, am I right?
CAMERON
Oh you’ve never seen one. Frequent a lot of camps do you?
ZACH (CONTINUING)
How do you explain that it is always a perfect rectangle?
CAMERON (BEMUSED)
Well I hadn‘t really considered that…
ZACH
And that it always has perfectly legible writing on it.
CAMERON
Come on now, it only seems that way because of your freakishly good eyesight.
ZACH
My what?
CAMERON
Don’t be modest. Your eyes, they’re amazing. Everyone knows that. If anyone ever loses their contacts, you’re the first person they blurrily look to for assistance.
ZACH
I’ve never noticed it being anything special.
CAMERON
How would you know? You have no frame of reference. Come on, check this out. How many fingers am I holding up?
Angle on: Zach who flashes a condescending look at Cameron.
ZACH
Three.
Angle on: Cameron
CAMERON
No, four. But you were very close.
ZACH
Hmmm, maybe you’re right.
CAMERON
Of course I’m right. I tried to drug you once, I was gonna sell you as a carnival freak show attraction. Problem was, I mixed up my roofies with M&M’s so you woke up almost instantly with nothing but a delicious aftertaste. You still owe me some candy…
ZACH
Then I apologise.
CAMERON
That’s ok, I found a replacement. (He turns to look out the window with a wistful look.) So much neck hair for such a small man.
They pull up and park on the street. We see a FOR LEASE sign through the car window.
EXT: SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS
We see Cameron and Zach exit the car.
Angle on: Moderately run-down house.
ZACH
So what do you think Cam?
CAMERON
You know what I think, we’re not gonna get it anyway…
ZACH
I don’t wanna hear that.
CAMERON
What? I’m just saying… based on previous experience I’m not deluding myself.
ZACH
You’re right, it’s getting a bit ridiculous.
They start to walk up the path and towards the house. They stop half-way and look around.
ZACH (CONT’D)
But it doesn’t look like anyone else is here. That’s gotta improve our chances.
CAMERON
Where’s the agent?
On cue the real estate agent emerges from the door and approaches them. The agent looks them up and down.
ZACH
Good morning. I’m Zach.
GLEN
Glen.
CAMERON
Cameron. Nice to meet you. Place looks pretty good.
ZACH
We the only ones coming through today?
GLEN (IRRITABLY)
Yes. Just you. Shall we?
Glen walks off into the house. Cameron and Zach exchange confused looks.
ZACH
What was that about?
CAMERON
Still feeling optimistic?
ZACH
Always. Hey, if no-one else applies I don’t see how we could possibly not get it.
CUT TO:
SCENE B
INT: MORROW HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
We see Cameron and Zach lying dejectedly on the bed. Zach is combing through the newspaper looking for houses. Cameron is lying on his back tossing a ball up in the air and catching it.
CAMERON
You know, I don’t think Glen liked us…
ZACH
Here’s one. 2 bedder, garage, 220.
CAMERON
What’s the point?
ZACH
What’s a S. L. U. G.?
CAMERON
A single lock-up garage.
ZACH
How is it that you know that?
Over the following Cameron tosses the ball too far away from him and leans back to catch it causing him to fall off the bed.
CAMERON
I’m a lot smarter than I look.
ZACH
(dubiously)
Is that so?
Zach’s father, MICK, appears at the door.
MICK
What‘s the ruckus? Could’ve sworn I heard something going on. Where’s the action? I wanna get involved.
ZACH
Dad, that is just mind-blowingly inappropriate.
MICK
Don’t tell me guys you’re age don’t wrestle?
CAMERON
I’m sorry Mick, I hate to tell you but guys any age don’t wrestle.
MICK
Well if there is any change on that front, you let me know alright?
Mick scuttles off energetically.
ZACH
What are you calling him Mick for?
CAMERON
What? What’d I do?
ZACH
You can’t call my dad by his first name, it’s disrespectful.
CAMERON
But he told me to call him that. He obviously has no issue.
ZACH
It’s not disrespectful to him. It’s disrespectful to me. How do you think I feel? I mean every time we go to someone else’s house it’s “Good Morning Mrs. Jacobs” or “How are you Mr. Davidson?” It’s embarrassing to be singled out. Don’t think I don’t notice.
CAMERON
If I can just say one thing in my defence…
ZACH
By all means.
CAMERON
I think you’re taking this too personally. Usually I can see where you’re coming from but this time I almost think it’s a compliment. I mean it says something about your dad.
ZACH
What it says to me is that no-one respects him, even you. The fact that you said you almost think it’s a compliment is what confuses me. If it’s not a compliment, what is it?
CAMERON
I disagree. I think it says that he’s one of the boys. You know? That he’s not really defined as a father figure.
ZACH
That sounds horrible. You think that sounds like a good thing? I don‘t wanna be in the sequel of I am Sam.
CAMERON
Please. You’re so antiquated. You’re dad’s cool.
ZACH
Trust me, he’s not.
CAMERON
Can I call him Papa M?
ZACH
Are you trying to hurt me? I just said I had an issue with you referring to him by his god-given Christian name and you wanna start using nicknames for him.
CAMERON
I was just asking.
ZACH
Well don’t.
CAMERON
Fine. I won’t call him Rocko then.
At that moment Mick walks past and his attention is caught at the door.
MICK
My ears are burning…
Cameron looks imploringly at Zach.
CAMERON (MOUTHING)
I didn’t know.
ZACH
Hey dad.
MICK
So what are you two boys up to now?
ZACH (IRATELY)
Still nothing dad. It’s been 20 seconds since you asked us last time.
CAMERON
Hey Micko.
Zach shoots Cameron a deadly glare.
CAMERON (CONT’D)
M-dogger. What’s the deal with renting a house? You got any tips for us? We’re having a bit of a tough time of it.
ZACH (INTERRUPTING)
Well the first thing you have to understand Cameron, if that is your real name, is that we’re not likely to be seriously considered as tenants if you keep calling every adult you meet “M-dogger”.
As far as Zach is concerned, the matter is settled.
MICK
I don’t know about that Zach. I know I like it when people are being friendly with me, whatever their age.
Cameron responds with a smug look.
MICK
Landlords are after two things in my experience: the rent has to be on time and the house has to be clean. I guess there’s no way you can prove that without rental history though. They’re not coming round here to check.
CAMERON
Sounds like the M-bone is talking some sense.
Mick walks off aloofly.
ZACH
Listen, my dad’s certifiable. How do you propose we gain rental history if we can’t get a first place to rent? Did you think about that one? Did Mick? No.
CAMERON
Ahh Catch 22. But what about if we got some someone with rental experience to move in with us? That could be something…
ZACH
Yeah? And who are we gonna get? Why don’t you go and ask my dad since you love him so much?
CAMERON
Really? Do you think M-Bison would be keen?
Zach responds with a look of disbelief. Cameron remains oblivious, deep in thought.
CAMERON
How about your brother? Do you think Timmy would be interested?
ZACH
He’s my younger brother! Do you have any concept of age?
CAMERON (CALMLY)
Look, you’re obviously very stressed. You’re freaked out. What I say we do, is we go and look at this house now, we check it out, apply for it, whatever, and then we come back and ask T-spoon if he’s interested…
ZACH
Oh god, I hate you so much…
CUT TO:
SCENE C
EXT: ROAD - DAY
We see Cameron and Zach sitting in the car.
Angle on: Street. The road is packed with cars on both sides. Couples and families are getting out of the cars.
ZACH (CONCERNED)
Should we bother?
CAMERON
Hey, you know what it think…
ZACH
It is a lot of people…
We see a family turn with a baby and cute little girl at their feet. Mum and dad look like models and the sun behind them makes them look like angels.
SFX: Camera taking a photo.
The image freezes as if it is a Kodak moment.
ZACH (CONT’D)
We’re doomed…
CAMERON
That’s the spirit. Only when you have nothing to lose can you risk it all.
Cameron claps Zach excitedly on the back and they start walking towards the house.
EXT: SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY
We see several couples moving through the doorway and an enthusiastic agent, Glenda, at the door.
GLENDA (HAPPILY)
Good afternoon boys, how are you both on this beautiful afternoon?
CAMERON
Good afternoon. I can only speak for myself, but I must say I am well.
ZACH
Hello. I’m Zach and this is…
CAMERON
Cameron.
GLENDA
I’m Glenda, nice to meet you.
Cameron and Zach look at each other bewildered.
GLENDA (CONT’D)
I’ll show you around inside if you like. Two nice young men like yourselves shouldn’t have any trouble finding a place.
CAMERON
You’d think that but actually…
Zach nudges Cameron hard in the ribs with his elbow. Glenda turns and walks them into the room.
INT: SUBURBAN HOUSE - FRONT DOOR/FOYER - DAY
ZACH (WHISPERING)
What is it with these agents? They all have the same name.
CAMERON
It’s a prerequisite. I was going to be one…
ZACH
She even kind of looks like the other guy.
CAMERON
Now you’re just being ridiculous.
They stop.
Angle on: Lounge room. Through the door we can see a room overflowing with potential tenants.
GLENDA
So what do you think boys? Should I get you some application forms?
CAMERON
Be honest Glenda, is there any point? I mean, do we have any chance in hell?
GLENDA
Of course. We consider all applications equally.
CAMERON (HURT)
It’s the lying that hurts the most.
Cameron and Zach exit the house.
EXT: SUBURBAN HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - DAY
We see Zach and Cameron walk over to their car and lean against it.
CAMERON
Outrageous! We’d have a better chance if we were the Manson family. Did you see that?
ZACH (DEJECTED)
How could I not see that?
CAMERON
It was a freaking Colgate ad in there.
ZACH
It was something alright.
CAMERON
Ooh and that snake Glenda! Imagine that, lying! Straight in my face. The nerve.
ZACH
She was a bitch alright.
CAMERON
One of those hidden bitches too. You know, beneath a guise of pleasantness. They’re the worst kind.
ZACH
And what about the way she referred to us as “boys”? Our self-esteem is hanging by a thread as it is. A pair of “boys” is never getting a house. She could at least pretend we are men.