SNEESON'S GREEETINGS:

OR:

RETROGRADE ETROG -ADE

The air in the Succa is as crisp as a cornflake, as I sit down at the computer. The network of wires and cables snakes through the schach.

Schach.

Achchchchcch! (I let out a sight of contentment)

Chag Samayach-ach-ach! (How much do you bet if I attack Bush on this page I'll get a Nobel prize for modern poetry?)

Chag Sam ay acchchchchchchchch!

This is a good time to clear your throat as well as your mind, especially if you spent the last two chilly nights outdoors.

Being sandwiched among 7 family members and several pets is no big deal to those of us who spent the August heat wave in Kfar Maymon Dissent Resort, where we slept 35,000 to a bed. Some of you weren't there, though at the time it felt like everybody was there, and you may have spent the week in Eilat or Panantanaikos in a four star, maybe even a five star hotel. Where we were you couldn't number the stars!

That's already three months away. The summer came to its bitter end; school, for most of us began, the high holidays flew by. November is already just a sneeze away and some of my classes, which always fell on the holidays have barely gotten off the ground. Particularly my 'Zayyin' boys class, which our staff feels is the wildest batch in years; I only met them a few times, always at 3:00 PM between sport and the final bell, and they hadn't received their books yet. Most of them still think I'm the custodian.

Below, I have inserted a picture to give you an idea of where I'm at when I write. You can all send me back pictures of your yards or kitchen, depending where you set the limits of intimacy between writer and reader. This picture shows the peaceful view from our yard, several dozen meters up the Naftali hills. The two girls in the box are not supposed to be in the picture but I don't have time to look up how to snip bits off pictures. Soon they will come out of the box and roll down the slope. Unfortunately, the lawn ends in a 20 foot cliff. That little shrub you see behind the brown rock is really a fully blown eucalyptus tree. Ahah! I've just used by burgeoning computer skills to position a bright orange arrow over said tree. I wonder if the ETNI masters will be able to arrange it without too much sweat

After all, we are on holiday.

Another thing I want to tell you about is the lulav song. Lenny Solomon, the creator of Shlock Rock, saved his funniest, most brilliant song for Succot. When I first heard Shlock Rock songs, which are parodies of Rock & Roll songs set to Jewish themes, I saw their wonderful potential for English lessons. Now, 15 years later, I see that Lenny has a blog with lesson plans how to use his songs.

The catch is, you have to buy them unless you are used to appearing in class with a four piece band. To fully appreciate Lenny's Succot song, you must first listen to Elvis Presley singing, "I'm All Shook Up." I will try to find it for you…

Listen to Elvis singing "I'm all Shook Up".

Then you play the Shlock Rock song, off the album, Purim Torah. It helps if you have it, but if not, here's where you can get to the lyrics and maybe hear a bit of the song:

The problem is that I have a bug in my media players. I tried and I tried, and it didn't work, although it worked a few months ago. Does it work for you? Ah, modern times! We have a small electric drill that somebody gave us for our wedding almost 25 years ago. I plug it in – it works! But these miraculous software plugins? Nothing ever does exactly what it did last week.

THE GRASSY KNOLL OF KIRIAT SHMONAH.

Still and all, the main reason and hidden agenda of today's column is the Jerusalem Post. So many of you have sent me head-swelling messages telling me how much this column means to you, how I bring cheer into your lives and why don't I write for the Post?. Well, you're going to get your answer soon even if it's just a bunch of Jerusalem Postponements, because I'm going to push at the Jerusalem Door Post. Last night I crashed a sukka party in which some Post modern staff members were vacationing, and came away with some Jerusalem Postal addresses of whom to write to. And I will bravely submit some choice pieces, even if I risk Post Partum depresson brought on by rejection, even by the Jerusalem dot com Post. I may as well do it now, rather than be published Post-hoummously; as it will take weeks to finnish up all the houmous we have in the house.

And so, dear lurkers and not lurkers, the time has come to start up and be counted. Don't be shy'! Just call up or write the JP to tell them, how incredibly wonderful this column is and how you would certainly by dozens of copies just to read this column over and over again!

As always, this message will self destruct in ten seconds.

Kiriat Shmona, October 20, under the branches.

Pretty soon it will be Hallowe'en.