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Dear Silvia,

Thank you for submitting your essay for the IELTS Writing Competition. I have included my evaluation, feedback, and score for your essay below. Please let me know if you have any questions at all! Good luck with the rest of your studies!

Happy Studies!

Best,

Dustin

This evaluation includes:

  1. Writing Task Prompt
  2. Edited Essay
  3. Feedback
  4. Explanation of Edits
  5. Score
  6. Your Original Essay

1.Writing Task 2: Essay Prompt

Some people believe Education is meant to prepare students and children for the workforce. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

2. Edited Essay

Read over your essay first with the corrections. Then you can reference the numbers to check for my explanations. An overall explanation and score are also below your essay. If you have any questions please let me know.

The majority of people think that studying is important for children. It is necessary to be ready for the job market, however, [DS1]I extremely disagree completely. [DS2]believe in this theory [DS3]and this essay will discuss the benefits of early educated education workers.[DS4]
#5

The majority of people think that studying is important for children. It is necessary to be ready for the job market, however, I disagree completely. I believe that students who focus on education early will contribute greatly to society, and not only the workforce.
First, there is no doubt that education is a significant weapon in a young person’s[DS5]hands[DS6] that gives them the power to find their dream job and makes create a their future full of opportunities. [DS7]In addition, life becomes more complicated and very expensive and people need to think more seriously about the expenses and the income to make balance in their lifestyle.[DS8] For example, the young man who attempts to make have a[DS9] family he should have a good job with good benefits and an[DS10] income to enable him to pay the bills. Furthermore, the [DS11]job market requires a highly professional workforce these days, focusing on specialist candidates and educated workers.[DS12]to hiring especially inMmultinational companies, especially, are looking to hire educated workers andthat they offer a good salary for only qualified employeescandidates[DS13].[DS14]

On the other hand, uneducated people are sometimes causing the cause of [DS15]many problems to their s[DS16]ociety and they would be jobless and ultimately a burden. However, this is up to the individual depending on the governments’ aids or onothersother merciesy. [DS17]Moreover, crimes could be increase [DS18]increasing because of those jobless unemployed [DS19]people involve themselves in trouble by doing things against law. For instance, in my country, a study shows that the most robbing crimesrobberies[DS20]are committed by people who barely finished their secondary school.

To conclude, I am completely convinced that education is the most important stage in life that allow us to figure out the right direction path and gives us the future keykey to the future, [DS21]while ignorance is the way of darkness.[DS22]

To conclude, I am completely convinced that education is the most important stage in life, and it is not only suited for preparing people for the workplace. It allows us to figure out the right path in our lives and gives us the key to the future, and any lack of education could be harmful to the individual and to society.

3. Feedback

Below are some overall comments about your essay, specific comments (numbered) that refer to parts of your essay, and a score for your essay:

  • Overall, this was a well written essay! You have an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The only main issue with the organization of your essay was your introduction and conclusion. In your introduction, you seemed to try to add too much complexity, and your main idea of your essay was not very clear. The conclusion needed a little work by restating the same ideas in your conclusion that you had in your essay. You can see both of my examples in the essay above.
  • Wow! Great job using diversity in your sentence structures. You use a great combination of simple and complex sentence structures. The only problem you have at times is a lack of clarity. This is the result of trying to write to complex, combining two ideas into one, or not fully developing your idea in a sentence.
  • Great job using a good variety of vocabulary and using, for the most part, the appropriate word choices throughout the essay.

4. Explanations of Edits

Some mistakes were made throughout the essay. Therefore, I highlighted them and explained it below. If you made a simple mistake, I only told you the mistake, if it required an explanation I explained the mistake to you, and sometimes provided an example:

  1. The first clause of this sentence is actually a complete thought. We can end our sentence there. This helps to make the writing clearer. You also use a more complex sentence following the first one, so it is not necessary to make it even more complex. Sometimes, too much complexity can create confusion.
  2. “This theory” is not clear in this sentence. Make it clear and introduce what the theory is.
  3. We use a phrasal noun with a determiner, for example “education system.”
  4. We should not use extremely disagree or agree in an essay. It is less formal. We can say, “I completely agree,” “I disagree wholeheartedly”
  5. Though, your introductory sentence is great, and you have you use complexity and diversity in your vocabulary and sentence structure, it is not clear what the idea is that you want to express in the first paragraph. I rewrote your introduction to align with your ideas in your essay. Your essay mainly states that education leads to benefiting the individuals influences on society.
  6. This statement should be general, so we can use the phrase, “in a young person’s hand.” By using the article “a” we have made it into a general statement by refereeing to “a” possible young person. Good job using this expression with the word hand. It adds diversity and shows a good grasp of using metaphors.
  7. Remember we generally have more than one hand, so use the plural form here.
  8. We need to be a bit clearer here. We should not say, “creates a future” because obviously (hopefully) we have a future, but what kind of future do we want?
  9. Great job using a complex-compound sentence here!
  10. Usually we use the expression, “have a family.” “I want to have a family someday.”
  11. Remember the article.
  12. Again, remember the article.
  13. This is a complete thought and we should end our sentence here.
  14. We changed this to the active voice, and completed the idea. We also made it a compound-complex sentence.
  15. The word candidates is better suited here because when we are talking about hiring they are not employees yet, but rather candidates to be hired.
  16. Cause should be used as a noun with this sentence structure because we have the verb “are.” Instead, you could say, “Uneducated people cause many problems.”
  17. Generally, society is not owned by a particular group so we do not say “their.” We could use the word “our” instead.
  18. These are two separate thoughts, so we created two separate sentences.
  19. Remember the formula: Subject + could + verb OR Subject + could+ be + adjective “It could develop…” OR “It could be fun…”
  20. “Unemployed” is a better suited word here.
  21. A “robbery crime” is simply called a “robbery.”
  22. For the most part, the structure of this conclusion is good, however, it does not really summarize what you stated in your essay. A summary should restate the ENTIRE essay in just a couple of sentences. I rewrote your summary to better suit your ideas in your essay.
  23. The word “path” is better suited here.
  24. The expression is “the key to the future.”

You score is below.

5. Score

Task Achievement / Coherence and Cohesion / Lexical Resource / Grammatical Range and Accuracy / Overall
6
6.5 / 6
7 / 7
7.5 / 7
7.5 / (26/4)=6.5
6.5
(28.5/4)=7.12
7

Your score was calculated as a range. You received a low score and a high score in each category, and finally a low overall score and a high overall score.

Task Achievement

You were able to address each part of the task. Meaning, you answered the question effectively. However, your introduction and conclusion did not achieve their purposes within the essay.

Coherence and Cohesion

Clear logical progression throughout the essay. Your introduction lacked some clarity, and your conclusion failed to summarize the essay’s main points. At times, cohesions lacks due to incomplete ideas.

Lexical Resource

You use less common vocabulary words and choose the appropriate words for the given situations and contexts. At times, some better suited words could be used.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

Contains variety and diversity in your sentence structures. Though, some errors occur in more complex grammar structures.

The score for this essay was evaluated based on the public band descriptors for IELTS Writing Task 2:

[DS1]#1

[DS2]#4

[DS3]#2

[DS4]#3

[DS5]#6

[DS6]#7

[DS7]#8

[DS8]#9

[DS9]#10

[DS10]#11

[DS11]#12

[DS12]#13

[DS13]#15

[DS14]#14

[DS15]#16

[DS16]#17

[DS17]#18

[DS18]#19

[DS19]#20

[DS20]#21

[DS21]#23 and #24

[DS22]#21