Sarah Marinos, 2011, Good Health Issue 09/11, p84-86
Step-families & how to survive them…
Step-families are the fastest growing family unit in Australia. How can the adults in the family make them strong? Sarah Marinos finds out
By 2020 there will be as many step-families in Australia as there are nuclear or first families. Stepfamilies Australia reports that of the estimated five million families in Australia today, one in five is a step-family.
But unfortunately, second marriages – and potentially step relationships – have a higher failure rate than first-time marriages, although the statistics vary widely. An Australian Institute of Family Studies report found that second marriages have a four per cent higher break-up rate. Meanwhile, Relationships Australia reports that second marriages are twice as likely to fail as first-time marriages.
Issues concerning children and second marriages and the merging of families are the top-ranking reasons why second marriages end, according to relationship expert Toby Green. Arguments over money and what’s yours and what’s mine are also a key breaking point.
“Man and woman relationships alone are hard enough. Anything you add to that – his kids, her kids, his ex, her ex, and in-laws – only adds to the pressure,” says Green. “Step-families require more effort and intelligence because there are more people involved, and often that includes little ones who didn’t ask to be put into the situation.”
But Lyn Fletcher, director of operations at Relationships Australia NSW, says second marriages and step-families can work as long as the couple have patience and are prepared to put in some hard groundwork. “When a step-family works it’s wonderful. It models how we can adapt to different
life situations and opens our hearts. There is no magic involved – it just takes time, effort and hard work,” she says
Step-family stages
It takes several years for a step-family to develop into a family unit, with the first two years being the most delicate.
➜Initially, there’s a fantasy period, like a honeymoon, when the adults see the new family through rose-coloured glasses. Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, psychologist and author of the new
book Surviving Step-Families (Penguin, $19.95), calls it the ‘Brady delusion’. “The couple has wildly unrealistic expectations and want an instant new family. Parents imagine their children will welcome the wonderful, new person entering their lives, but children are wishing their parents were still together. Denial is in full swing,” he says.
➜After fantasy comes confusion. Differences in values, expectations and how to manage things day-to-day emerge. Step-parents can feel on the outer if their partner has biological children. The partner can misinterpret this as a lack of commitment.
➜ “Conflict is the next stage. Anger erupts and differences are expressed. Everyone seems unhappy most of the time,” says Carr-Gregg. Step-parents demand change and biological parents have to choose whether to hang on to the past or make changes and move forward with their new partner.
➜ Survive all this and you reach resolution and comfort. By this point there is a commitment to make the step-family work. “Members feel a sense of belonging and the step-parent has a clearly defined role. Family members begin to relax and to feel hope for their future together,” says Carr-Gregg.
Timing is everything
Fletcher believes parents should wait before introducing a partner to children who are probably still upset over Mum and Dad’s break-up. “Just because you’re madly in love with someone else, you can’t assume your children will take to that person,” she says.
“Children will be trying to negotiate a path between their two natural
parents and you need to give a new relationship time. Tell your kids you’re seeing someone, but don’t introduce them until you know you are forming a permanent relationship.”
A new partner needs to take a secondary, non-disciplinary position while children get used to the new set up. “The non-biological parent has to stand back and watch. Learn how the family runs, rather than trying to change the order of things and bringing down more resentment,” suggests Green.
Carr-Gregg says there are more likely to be issues based on a child’s age rather than whether they’re a boy or a girl.
Pre-schoolers are too young to properly understand what is happening and may feel it’s their fault Mum and Dad are no longer together. School-age children may feel embarrassed to have a step-family instead of a ‘normal’ family.
Adolescence is a difficult and vulnerable time and Carr-Gregg says teenagers may feel ‘mortified’ that their parent has a new relationship. They may also avoid step-siblings in favour
of their friends initially and feel jealous of the new parent figure, particularly if they were previously living in a one-parent family.
Put your relationship first
The adult relationship becomes the foundation for building a stable, respectful step-family. “Your relationship has to be at the top of the pyramid, closely followed by children, other family members, work and hobbies,” says Green. “I think women are particularly guilty of forgetting that.”
In a step-family, the positive adult relationship comes from discussions about what you are bringing to the relationship, your expectations and values, the potential problems, and how you’ll manage them together so you present a united front to the children.
“Don’t divide and say, ‘I’ll deal with my kids my way and you deal with your kids your way’,” says Fletcher. “You both need to agree to rules for the new family, but don’t discuss issues in front of the kids. Get on to the same page first – or kids will divide and conquer.”
Carr-Gregg describes this as parents displaying ‘Cabinet solidarity’, as in the world of politics. “Within the Cabinet, politicians have lots of roaring arguments, but the moment they step outside that meeting room they follow the company line,” he says. “Couples won’t necessarily agree on issues, but the families that succeed are the ones where couples negotiate a compromise position for the sake of the family.”
Parenting Tips
❤ Start out in neutral territory Move to a new home, if possible. “Then you don’t have the physical reminders of the previous relationship,” says Carr-Gregg. “And you can start new family traditions and rituals that are important protective factors in the long-term.”
❤ Give visiting children their own spaceIf your partner’s kids come and visit for the weekend, give them their own room or space for their personal possessions. This states they are part of your home and family, too.
❤ Give step-children time to adjust “You have to create an environment where children feel valued and listened to. They’re looking for chinks in the armour and a reason to get upset. Don’t give it to them. Give them time to adjust,” says Carr-Gregg.
❤ Understand there will be loyalty issues Tell children they’re allowed to have a relationship with both of their parents and that their relationship with their step-parent is separate from that. It isn’t a competition.
❤ Respect individual differencesEvery person has different chromosomes and a different history. Don’t assume what people are thinking. Get to know people over time and understand their personality and temperament.
❤Let your step-child lead the way Take things slowly in developing a relationship. Remember that children didn’t ask to be part of a step-family.
❤ Make yourself available for step-children Doing one-on-one activities with step-children slowly builds a rapport and a relationship, even if it’s dropping them to the movies or to basketball practice. Don’t have any expectations, but just be helpful and show commitment.
❤Don’t expect thanks Children believe you have come into their family and taken the place of their mum or dad. “But hang in there and one day they’ll come up to you at breakfast and kiss you on the cheek,” says Carr-Gregg.
❤ Expect respect, both ways Even if you find your step-children hard to get on with – perhaps you don’t even like them much – as the adult you have to stay calm, try and avoid confrontation, and show respect. A hard call but an important one, says Carr-Gregg. “You’ve made a commitment to the child’s parent and it’s in the interests of your relationship to be civil to his or her children. Put up with them knowing that one day they will move out,” he says. But respect works both ways. “The biological parent has to talk to their kids and say, ‘I’m not saying you have to like this person, but I demand you treat them with respect as my partner’,” says Green. “It’s imperative that everyone treats everybody with respect in the family.”