Session 10 Video Transcription
Sandra:Hey, everyone.This is the tenth session and final session of the online seminar for Compassion Activism, and before we get started talking about the fifth practice – which is the practice of shared envisioning and compassionate non-cooperation – I want to take some time to talk about Orlando, the shooting that happened there over the weekend.
I know for a lot of folks, including myself, there are a lot of feelings coming up around it.I wanted to create a bit of a space for it and talk a little about: “what is the role of Compassion Activism in helping us be with what is going on?”Not just in this single incident, but just the history and the current context that has facilitated this event as well as the reaction that folks are having to it throughout society – throughout the world, actually.
I was processing this before the call, and a couple of different things came into my mind: 1) as I have been reiterating over and over again, is that first and foremost, is to acknowledge your own feelings.Your own pain, your own fears.The grief.The sadness.The anger.And that there’s no right or wrong to it.Sometimes in our society, we don’t allow ourselves to have strong feelings unless it’s over a very large incident such as a mass shooting or a death.It’s only in those more extreme situations that we are permitted in our society to actually have public displays of being justifiably upset.
It’s really hard and scary, and sometimes it can feel so very overwhelming for folks, so I really encourage you to continue to hold the space for your feelings.Continue to hold the space for your feelings, to just let yourself have them come up.Let them flow out of you.As we have been seeing in these sessions – with my coaching -- as you let the feelings continue to arise and you acknowledge them and you be with them, they shift.It can take some time.It can take a couple of sessions of sitting with the feelings, and they still shift, eventually.
The most important thing, I think, is just to hold the space so that those feelings have the ability to keep arising in you until you get to a point where you shift, and you know what you want to do, because you’re actually being called for.Now I know sometimes folks, when they get into the space, they feel like they have to do something.They feel so emotionally overwhelmed, though, they can’t do anything.So they feel bad that they’re not doing something, even though they’re so overwhelmed that it’s actually fairly impossible to do, so it kind of builds upon itself, and once again, we’re in toxic swirl.
This is why it sounds simple, it sounds logical, for me to say to hold the space and let yourself have the feelings arise as they arise; but I know a lot of folks don’t actually do that.They kind of want to clamp those down and just move forward and get some stuff done, partaking in activism.Obviously, considering what happened, they want to just act.
If you feel called to do something in the midst of feeling a lot of those overwhelming feelings, by all means go ahead and do it.But don’t make yourself wrong if the most you can do right now is just grieve.Just grieve and be upset and be angry and be sad, because that’s really important, too.In time, that will shift, and you’ll be called forth into action and you’ll know what you need to do.And that’s the listening.
I’m also going to talk about something that you may or may not be really ready to hear right now, so I want to acknowledge that.As we’ve been talking about, we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves, take care of our own feelings, and we’re responsible for the actions that we take in this world.When we are able to do that, we can then hold the space for other folks to exist as they are, and not just how we want them to be.I’m about to give you my perspective on some stuff, which you may or may not be ready to hear because you’re still dealing with your own stuff that’s coming up for you, and that’s totally fine.I just feel like it’s important to talk about the other side of Compassion Activism where it’s not just about us, but it’s about other people as well.As I’ve mentioned in one of the other sessions, as you continue to do this work, as you continue to have this practice, it starts becoming easier for you to see into the other people’s potential realities and your speculations become more and more accurate about what’s going on.
I do this work around Compassion Activism, obviously to help people heal.That’s obviously incredibly important to me.I want people to heal from the pain of when they’ve been harmed.What I’m sometimes not as explicit about is that that’s not the end game for me.That is not the end goal for Compassion Activism for me, that you would just heal.That you would heal the pain of having been harmed.It’s actually so that we can stop harming ourselves and harming other people.That, for me, is the end goal for Compassion Activism.
What happens is that when we cannot be with our own pain that we are currently experiencing, we do usually one of two things: 1) we lash inwards; we repress ourselves, we silence ourselves, we hurt ourselves, emotionally, sometimes physically; 2) and/or we lash outwards; we distract ourselves from our own pain by blaming other people, by making other people wrong, and for them causing us that pain.All of that is running away from what is actually going on.
People who are happy and secure and self-confident know that they have some inherent self-worth.They don’t run around hurting people like that.If they happen to, they go, “Oh, did I hurt you?I’m sorry.What can I do?”That’s when you come from a place of healthiness.That’s a pretty standard reaction.
When I look at the situation -- and obviously, there is rightfully tremendous anger around how the role of guns in this control, the lack of gun-reform, the pervasiveness of homophobia, and how our laws, even though there’s been growing awareness, visibility, and acceptance, and of queer and trans folk, there have also been a rise of bills being passed around the country in the United States, and so all of that is true – but then, I look at the person, Omar Mateen, who was probably gay himself, by hearing the different things people have said about him…and comes from a family where homophobia is very strong, so there’s a lot of internalized hatred there.
When I look at him, I think about the level of pain that he must have been in where this was his best recourse to deal with it.That doesn’t justify it, of course.But what I see is the pain from that internalized homophobia.All the people in his life and all of the systems around him that reinforced that in his life and didn’t get him the support, didn’t give him the help, to deal with any of that.
For me, that’s why at the end of the day, we need to do these things on a policy level, on an institutional level – yes, definitely – and some of the most important work that we can dois to just to do the work within ourselves and with the relationships that we have because of the status quo of systemic oppression.
It’s everywhere, so there are people around us, ourselves included, who are really struggling with this, and don’t necessarily talk to each other about it. Omar Mateen, he took it to the extreme, obviously.But there are so many people who are struggling with that same pain.
The question is: when they’re in our lives, do we check in?Do we create the space to have that conversation with them?
When we keep doing this with different people, some of those people are going to be in positions of power where they can do the changes on the institutional level and the policy level, or maybe become involved in all of that. And that’s wonderful. And there’s always stuff we can do ourselves regardless if we’re engaged in more organized activism or not.
I kind of want it put it out there that Compassion Activism is really just about life.It’s really just, “How do we deal with all the fucked up shit that happens?” With love and justice for everybody, actually, starting with ourselves.
That’s just my little spiel that I wanted to talk a little about. I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to say, but hopefully there was something useful in it for folks and a different perspective that helped illuminated something useful for you. I don’t know, but this is all real. This is all very, very real.It’s not a bad thing that people are getting really present to it. If we ignore it, if we keep silencing it, we keep minimizing it, then we won’t deal with it.
Obviously, it would’ve been best had this never happened. I’m also heartened by the level of outpouring support within and to the queer community, particularly for queer and trans people of color, and the conversations that are happening in communities that don’t normally want to talk about LGBTQ issues.People who have really been on the outskirts of the conversation because it doesn’t really relate to them personally, and they’re seeing that it actually is relevant.
I think this is all part of the cultural shift.The thing is, this happened.So we can resist the fact that it happened and be caught up in a toxic swirl, a swirl of make-believe, of, “I never want it to happen.”It did happen, though.We should say, “Yes, yes it happened, and now what do I want to do about it?” That’s where I would like folks to take themselves.Say, “Yes, it did happen.”
This is just part of the course, unfortunately, in our society, taken to a different level of extremity.But this is part of the status quo being systemic oppression, so this has really gotten people more a lot more present to that.It’s both true that there’s rising awareness and acceptance of LGBTQ folks, and with that, there’s rising more homophobia and transphobia as we’re seeing.We just need to keep grappling with that reality and acknowledging, and choosing, “What are we going to do now?”
I kind of want to just leave it there.If there are things that folks specifically want for me to respond to around Orlando, I can.People can share in the chat box.I just want to create a little bit of space on the beginning of this session to talk about it because I know a lot of folks are coming in with feelings around it.
Josette: I haven’t seen any direct answers to that.A lot of folks are saying that they’re glad that we are talking about it in this moment, and it’s really weighing heavily.Most people commented for a breathing exercise.
Sandra:Breathing exercises, okay.Folks can close their eyes and get comfortable in their seats.I want you to take a couple of deep breaths.Breathe in.Breathe out.Breathe in.Breathe out.Just feel your body, your lungs, get filled with the air, and then feel it being released.Keep doing that.I want you to really notice and appreciate the gloriousness of our bodies, that our bodies will do this, and breathe in, and will literally give us life, and breathe out, and it will give life to our plants.Plants breathe, they give life to us through oxygen.We breathe out, gives life to them.It’s incredibly important to appreciate, especially during times of grief.
I want you to put your hand over your heart, and say, “Thank you.Thank you for letting me live.Thank you for giving me life.”And just breathe in.“Thank you.”Breathe out.“Thank you.”Breathe in.“Thank you.”Breathe out.“Thank you.”Breathe in.Breathe out.
I want you to think about the last time you played or laughed.I want you to remember the situation.Maybe with your friends, maybe with your kids, maybe with family, maybe you’re watching something…I want you to notice what comes up for you.Notice where you’re feeling that.Maybe it’s not very strong right now, maybe it’s just a little bit, but I want you to notice remembering the smile, remembering the laughter.Like I said, it doesn’t have to be big.It can be small.Just notice where it is in your body.What it feels like.I want you to breathe into it.Breathe into it and nurture it.And say, “Thank you.”Breathe in.“Thank you.”Breathe out.“Thank you.”Breathe in.“Thank you.”Breathe out.“I see you.”Breathe in.“I thank you.”Breathe out.“I see you.”
I want you to go the heaviness, the sadness, the grief, the anger, the fear, in your body.Put your hand where you feel it.I kind of want you to notice what it’s like there, what’s happening there, what’s coming up.I want you to say, breathe in, “I see you.”Breathe out.“I thank you.”When I say, “I thank you,” not because we’re overjoyed to have this feeling, but because it means that we care.So we validate, we acknowledge this, within us.“I thank you,” breathe in.“I see you.”Breathe out.“I thank you.”Breathe in.“I see you.”Breathe out.“I thank you.”Breathe in.“I see you.”Breathe out.“I hold you.”
When I say, “I hold you,” just to be with it.Just to be with it, no more, no less.Breathe in.“I see you.”Breathe out.“I hold you.”Breathe in.“I see you.”Breathe out.“I hold you.”
I want you to ask it if it needs anything from you, if you could give it anything.If it told you something – maybe it didn’t, that’s okay – if it did though, you ought to know if you agreed to do it.If it didn’t tell you anything, just say, “When you’re ready to tell me, I’m here.”
So, going back to your breath.Say, breathe in, “I see you.”Breathe out.“I’m here for you.”Breathe in.“I see you.”Breathe out.“I’m here for you.”Breathe in.“I see you.”Breathe out.“I’m here for you.”Just kind of notice what’s coming up for you now, and breathe into that care.And remember, this is something you can do at any point of the day.Just breathe in and acknowledge and care.
I want you to start wiggling your fingers and your toes.Take some breaths, open up your eyes.Come back to here.And if anything came up for you, anything you’d like to share, as always, you can put it in the chat.
I want to talk a little bit about why I had you remember a recent happy moment where you’re smiling or laughing, why I actually started out there.It may have been hard for some folks to get into that mood obviously given what’s been going on.At the same time, maybe for some folks, they are able to slip into it more.There’s no right or wrong to it.
In my Buddhist tradition, which is the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition – some of you are familiar with him, he is a well-known Vietnamese Zen master, well-known in the West – and he talks about watering the seeds of whatever it may be and how we have a choice about how we spend our time.Obviously, in this program, we’ve been focusing on the pain and healing from it; and there’s also lots of joy to have in this world, too.We just tend not to remember it as much.But what happens when we water the seeds of joy? This is not meaning to neglect when we are feeling pain.We can do both.What happens when we water the seeds of joy?Of playfulness?Of laughter?
There’s something I call “positive trauma.” I don’t know if there’s a term for it, but the way that trauma operates is that something happens to us that is overwhelming, and we feel powerless and helpless in the face of it, and we get stuck there because we don’t know what to do, so we get frozen in fear; and then we don’t want to engage with that same type of pain in the future, so our brain replays it over and over again as if it’s happening right now.Now, this could be big “T” Trauma, where you get flashbacks, PTSD.It could be little “t” trauma, where it could be baggage, where we get concerned or worried, or we make assumptions about what’s probably going to happen in the future.
So what happens is that because we keep cutting grooves into our brain with that fear and that pain over and over again, that’s what gets watered, so that’s what grows.Actually, it’s the same thing when we think about positive events.Remember, I asked you at one point to think about the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten.You all started salivating, you all got hungry, you all couldn’t even focus on what I was saying, you were popping up in that chat box about how you want to eat this and that.See?A bunch of you are smiling now.
That’s just a memory, but you’re all living it like it just happened, but it’s just a memory of something you’d eaten at some point in time.It’s like a memory of a memory.That is “positive trauma.”You can cut that groove deeper into your brain and you’re watering the seeds of joy.Watering the seeds of joy or playfulness.And it’s really incredibly important to do both.