Dr. Mayer’s Memo
Sept. 2014 Talking to Students about Race
Given our tumultuous summer I was about to kick off this year’s Mayer’s Memos discussing the issue of RACE. As I was preparing I had interview for an upcoming national publication. I thought it might be useful to share my answers with all of you. Please feel free to pass this along to your parents. My responses apply to students through high school-more to say next issue on this subject for all ages.
1.If you are an African American parent, at what age should you speak to your child about race or the fact that there are different races? Does the same timeline apply to children of other races? And what about white children? I would suggest you begin mentioning differences around the third grade for two reasons.1-Social. Before grade three kids are not as social. Their relationships are ‘me’ centered and the feelings and needs of others are not primary. 2- Cognitive (Their thinking abilities.) Prior to third grade are also ‘me’ centered so trying to get them to think and empathize about the plight of others is wasted effort-noble, but wasted. And, yes these same principles apply to children of all races.
2.When an issue like Ferguson comes up, is it best to shield young children from it? Or are we running the risk they get misinformation from other children? You (mom&dad) need to always establish yourselves as the holders of the facts they may hear about in the media and at school. I have discussed this previously in my school and parent newsletter, Mayer’s Memo, (see DrJohnMayer.com/mayers-memos) when national tragedies have occurred. Do this up until their teenage years and even then make sure you discuss news items in your home. Children will look to you until their teens as the ultimate authority on all such matters. (I could explain why, but out of the scope of this article-unless you ask me.)
3.How do you talk about racial violence without scaring a child?
Talk factually-it’s important. It is developmentally important for children to understand that the world contains danger, bad people, yes it is scary but coping with that fear is important emotionally for them. This is also why YOU (parents) need to stand out to them as authorities because it helps make them feel safe in the world.
4.My son is 6 and has just started highlighting the “differences” between him and his peers (he goes to a predominantly white school). For example, during a party he noted we were the only ones with “black” eyes. What is the best response to something like this?
This is a great time and a great example to exercise what I was saying in #’s 1-3. I would respond, Yes, we look different, but also look at the other boys; did you notice that everyone looks different? One has glasses, one has curly hair, one has blue eyes, and one has blond hair. We are all different and that’s so great, everyone is unique. When I talk to school kids in anti-Bullying assemblies I start out pointing up these differences-the students ‘get it.’ So, you are laying the foundation for good anti-Bullying prevention.
5.During playdate, a child asked my son, “You are supposed to have pink skin. Why don’t you have pink skin like me?” This seems like a teachable moment for both children. I told them that everyone has different skin and that is the way it’s supposed to be. Not sure I handled properly. What was the best thing to say? Should I have told his parents? First, you handled it perfectly, see #4 above. Second, yes, mention it to parents in what I call my “aw sucks” way. Not as if a problem, but they will want to know and follow up with their child because that child will need confirmation from their parents in order to accept and incorporate the message. See my answer to #2 above.
6.What should a parent do if their child is called a racial slur?
That’s a bullying statement and I would handle it in the same way that I have shown is the proven ways to intervene into bullying: Teach them to 1-ignore 2-don’t react 3-let you and any other adult in charge at the time of the slur know about the incident and then you, and/or that other adult (teacher, coach, tutor, etc) should reprimand the other child and also let the other child’s parents know about the incident. See my book on this subject: A Parents’ Manual on Bullying and Teasing, yep available at: DrJohnMayer.com/buystuff.
7.What should a parent do if they learn their child has used racial slurs? You need to place such incidents into your home consequence system and give a strong consequence for this behavior as well as explain to the child how inappropriate this behavior is. When the child is older you can point out how this makes the other child feel, remember at the youngest ages, prior to approximately the tweens, they don’t have the cognitive ability to really empathize with others feelings-see my answer on this above and, yep, I have a book on Discipline for Parents on my web site as well, see DrJohnMayer.com/buystuff.
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