Screams In A Vacuum
Gay male domestic violence and abuse shares a great deal of similarities with its heterosexual counterpart: frequency (approximately one in every four couples); manifestations (emotional, physical, financial, etc.); co-existent situations (unemployment, substance abuse, low self-esteem); victims' reactions (fear, feelings of helplessness, hypervigilance); and reasons for staying (love, can work it out, things will change, denial) for example. But significant differences, unique issues and deceptive myths are just as much part of the phenomenon.
Perhaps the most significant difference is the community's invalidation. Unlike the mainstream's recognition and response to battered women, the gay community has responded to its battered gay men with denial and silence. Community leaders state there is "no problem", while correspondingly and not surprisingly support services remain virtually non-existent. Remarkably the community and greater social body can accept that gay men are victims of hate crimes (which occur with less frequency than gay domestics) yet buy into the myth that men are not victims of domestic abuse. Of all the differences between heterosexual and homosexual abuse, this silent denial of the community is the most detrimental factor as it perpetuates abuse, suffocates potential funding and services and removes support, protection and validation from the victim.
Gay socialization processes often include secrecy, isolation and fears of abandonment which compound this isolative community silence. It is a cocktail which results in co-dependency and jealousy, possibly leading to social fusion (the ability and desire of one partner to share in all of the social activities of the other). Studies indicate a correlation between levels of co-dependency and jealousy and rates of abuse. Insofar as many in same-sex relationships place greater value on their families of choice, being often alienated from or misunderstood by their families of origin, the partnerships can sometimes take on an insular us-against-the-world quality. This potentially raises the abuse benchmark and prolongs cohabitation further into the abuse cycle. Also, due to the lack of mature gay couple role models, gay partners are on their own in forging the couple's dynamics--which leaves an opportunity for power-hungry control-seeking batterers to shape, manipulate and exploit.
Although claims of mutual abuse are common in heterosexual domestics, gay male batterers who counter their victims' charges build upon and manipulate the myth that abuse or violence between two men is normal, 'just fighting', or actively initiated by or participated in by both parties. As a result it is difficult for men to identify themselves as victims yet easy for perpetrators to extract validation from socialized competition, aggression and power-seeking messages. The combination of community silence, isolative gay socialization and competitive/aggressive male socialization creates a psychic barrier hindering recognition of one's abuse, or of one's violence. In traversing the relationship continuum from healthy to dysfunctional to abusive, it is difficult for gay men to identify their relationship's location given the labyrinth of myths and misplaced landmarks.
If this were not enough, gay men also face abuse in the form of homophobia and re-victimization. Batterers use threats of 'outing' the victim to family or work to gain power and/or prevent escape. Social (and possibly family) stigmatization, community denial and lack of support and services reinforce the victim's feelings of low self-worth. Perpetrators are the first to point out the likelihood of re-victimization in an attempt to undermine their partner's escape. We must remember that in some situations getting help can be tantamount to coming out and an extremely difficult choice to make. On a different note,internalizedhomophobia (manifesting as self-hate) is frequently one more factor in the perpetrator's motivations.
Re-victimization (or secondary victimization) includes police, courts and service providers whose responses are prejudicial or apathetic and invalidate the victim or lack equanimity and empathy. Because judicial officers are not required to undertake same-sex domestic violence and abuse orientation or training, all too often courts have not taken the victim's charges seriously or provided adequate information and increased safety. In fact, if a batterer charges (mutual) abuse in response to the victim's charge, both partners can and have been placed in the same cell prior to their court hearing (due to their gender). As upsetting as this may be, the most traumatic re-victimization occurs closer to home. Family, friends and community who refuse to accept the reality of the situation and send the victim back to the abuser - to 'fight back' or 'be a man' mutate hopefulness into hopelessness and tragically corrode the all important social safety net.
Sensitivity must be given to HIV & AIDS issues. Gay men who are HIV+ or have AIDS and who are victims of abuse may remain with their partners simply because they fear the alternative is worse. If the batterer is the caregiver, his power to wage abuse becomes Herculean. Threats of outing the victim's HIV/AIDS status at work or to family are not uncommon. Financial dependence and health insurance may play a part in the HIV+ victim's choice (or perceived lack of choice) to remain in the relationship, or conversely victims may remain with their HIV+ batters out of a sense of guilt or moral obligation, or, in the case of perpetrators with fully developed AIDS, simply see the abusive behavior as an effect of the illness rather than what it really is.
We know gay male domestic violence exists. We know it shares similarities with heterosexual domestic violence while also having unique issues and qualities. We know that most gay male victims want help. In one study, 92% of victims indicated they were willing to seek support from a community domestic violence program, were there to be one. Now we must recognize this help cannot be a simple transposition of heterosexual domestic violence and abuse models and services onto the gay landscape. Adequate community representation and the perception of services as being oriented to gay males arethe two most significant factors in the success of programs for gay males experiencing domestic violence. Services must specifically orient and target themselves to gay men while systemically embodying response to the unique differences and difficulties their abuse involves. Concurrent programs which address lesbian abuse in a similar fashion must be provided. Finally, efforts must be community-based, acknowledging that once we have the understanding and support of the gay community we will have an excellent network of resources, and most importantly, the silence will be broken.
Resource details:
Author Mark Lehman did the first study of gay male domestic partner violence and abuse in Canada, in conjunction with the University of Toronto Sociology Department in 1997. He is a member of CASSPA and one of the founding members of a new men's group for survivors which starts its first program April 28, 1999, through facilities at Counterpoint in Toronto.
Type/Format of Resource:Article
Category/Topic of interest:Same Sex Abuse
Population Group:Friends & Family; Victims / Survivors; GLBT
Language of Resource:English
Year of Publication:1995-1999
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