Casa De Cama

By Nina Downes

Doreen and Albert, a northern couple in their early fifties are

in “Casa de La Cama” a Spanish bed shop, looking to buy a new bed

ALBERT:Right then. Here we are Doreen. How d’you say “I’d like to buy a new bed please” in Spanish?

DOREEN:(Reading from phrase book, bad pronunciation)

Quiero comprar una cama nueva, poo-er favoo-er.

ALBERT:Is that it?

DOREEN:Yes.

ALBERT:Don’t you have to say “Doble” or something as well, so’s they know we want a double?

DOREEN:No. We don’t want doble we want singley.

ALBERT:What?

DOREEN:Dos singleys

ALBERT:What d’you mean dos singleys?

DOREEN:(Bit annoyed)Dos singleys. Two singles.

ALBERT:Singles? Since when?

DOREEN:Since I decided I’ve had enough of listening to you snore and fart your way through the night.

ALBERT:I can’t believe I’m hearing this. We’ve not spent a night apart in thirty years Doreen and now you’re suddenly talking about single beds? I’m in shock.

DOREEN:Oh come on Albert. Lots of couples our age sleep in separate beds.

ALBERT:I know Doreen…but…….(conceding)Well I suppose if we put them side by side it wouldn’t be so bad.

DOREEN:Actually Albert I was thinking of putting mine downstairs. In the spare bedroom.

ALBERT:What on earth is going on Doreen? Something very strange has happened to you since we came to live in Spain. I don’t know what’s gotten into you.

DOREEN:Well Albert….. to tell the truth, it’s more a question of who’s gotten into me.

ALBERT:Beg pardon?

DOREEN:I’m having an affair Albert.

ALBERT:(Looking around. Embarrased) Good God woman have you taken leave of yer senses?

DOREEN:(Defiantly, proudly) I’m having an affair with salesman of the month, of this very shop in which we now stand. I’ve been sleeping with Jose Miguel Rodriguez Ortega España España of Casa de la Cama.

ALBERT:Beg pardon?

DOREEN:Yes Albert it’s true. It started a few weeks ago. You were playing golf at the time and I was at a bit of a loose end, so I decided to do a little light shopping. And after I’d bought the lights, I decided to look for a new bed. José Miguel was extremely helpful. He went into enormous detail describing the benefits of the various beds on sale.

ALBERT:I don’t believe I’m hearing this (He sits on the edge of the nearest bed, aghast)

DOREEN:He particularly recommended what he affectionately called “Thee King de Las Camas” –’though I believe it’s proper name was “Picasso”. A lovely bed – antique pine finish, traditional hand tufted mattress with side stitching and fully sprung shallow base, covered in a classic Belgian damask and available with or without drawers.

ALBERT:(Head in hands, in shock) What? You were without drawers? Here? In t’middle of t’bed shop?

DOREEN:He explained how it was so good, he’d bought one himself – using his staff discount of course, ‘cos they don’t come cheap ………………and well….to cut a long story short……..we went back to his place and tried it out. It was exceptionally comfortable actually – ‘though only what you’d expect from a bed with over 1000 individual springs.

ALBERT:(Clutching at chest, is in the throes of heart attack.)Doreen. I….I…….I…..(Collapses, dead, onto the bed)

DOREEN:Oh dear.(Attracting the attention of a Salesman)Hello! Over here please! I need some help!(Throws a bed cover over Albert, so he can’t be seen. Salesman approaches)

Hello. Yes, I’d like to buy a double bed please. Which one would you personally recommend?