W-ROCKS!
(Rocks the World-Touches Home)
by: john daniels, jr.
For: Matthew, Shadow, Patrick, Forest and all the spirits of The Place.
Copyright @ 1994
john daniels, jr.
September 21, 1994, 7:02 p.m.
Part One
PRE-SHOW MUSIC: HELTER SKELTER (The Beatles) original recording.
The radio-station phone rings. After a few rings a flashlight is turned on by the janitor, NICK. He is behind the audience and makes his way to the stage through the audience in the dark. He goes to the control booth. The booth is locked. He opens the door with some kind of magic “thump.” NICK answers the phone.
NICK
Hello?
McLARRY
(voice on the phone mic backstage)
Hello? Who is this?
NICK
Nick.
McLARRY
Nick? What are you doing answering the phone? You’re the janitor. Where are those two new guys?
NICK
I...
McLARRY
I don’t like this format change in the first place. Percy Faith still has commercial merit, if you ask me. What about the Fontaine Sisters or Ol’ Blue Eyes? Well?
(pause)
Well...
NICK
Well...
McLARRY
If they are late on the first day, I am going to fire all of them; and you know I will.
NICK
They are here, Mr. McLarry.
McLARRY
Put that Johnny what’s it on the phone.
NICK
He’s in the men’s room, sir.
McLARRY
Then put that other jock on.
NICK
He’s in the men’s room also, sir.
McLARRY
Put the engineer on then. We’ve got to have some sound on the air! We are losing sponsors by the minute!
NICK shines the light around the stage and into the vacant engineer’s booth.
NICK
He’s in the men’s room too, sir.
McLARRY
It’s a one hole-er! What are they doing? Brushing each other's hair? I’ll bet they are all funny. That’s what I’ll bet! You go “haller in the piz-wah” and tell all those funny boys if I don’t hear music, or that noise or a commercial, in two minutes; they’re all fired!
NICK hangs up the phone and starts looking at the control board. He finds a tape. The flashlight goes out.
NICK
Oh, no.
The light comes back on. NICK finds a cart and puts it in the tape machine. The light goes out again.
Got it!
ANNOUNCER
(Over the P.A.)
For the next sixty seconds this station will conduct a test of the emergency broadcast system...
NICK
Shit!
ANNOUNCER(cont.)
Remember, this is only a test.
SONG 1: LAYA (Derrick and the Dominoes)
The first riff of the song is done in total darkness. On the second riff, the W-RQX sign lights up. During the second verse, the stage lights come up slightly; and the GOAST of ROCK-N-ROLL PAST enters and dances center stage. He creates the cast. Singers and dancers appear on stage from all different places. They greet each other as if they where returning to life. In the third verse of the song, the actors appear together as if they had traveled to this spot to find the dancers and the singers.
An actor (JOHNNY) brings in an old AM radio from the sixties. They pass it around and every one looks at it. They take it over to a table in front of the control booth and plug it in. One of the singers produces a single candle and they pass it over to the radio and set it on top of the radio. A dancer produces a lighter. The dancer walks over to the candle and lights it.
All cheer.
The slow part of the music starts. The strobe lights come on, and the company dances in slow motion. They hug and kiss each other.
NICK has been watching everything from the control booth. He steps out into the crowd of actors, singers and dancers. He sees them all, but they do not see him. He stands center stage and watches.
MAHARISHI NAT appears.
The MAHA rings finger cymbals into a microphone.
The band plays quietly, underscoring MAHA.
MAHA
There is no way to happiness, my family,
For, my family, happiness is the way.
Each of us is a child, a thief and a messiah,
These days of violence, hatred and jealousy.
Feel no guilt.
We control only ourselves.
Cars and wars and loans...
Bigotry and hypocrisy and moans...
Our family is young.
Peace will meet violence.
Music will meet merchants.
It is 1969.
Better, stronger, wiser is the future.
This is change, celebration and innocence.
Sing, my family, we have music.
Happiness is the way.
MAHA rings her finger cymbals.
All, but the dancers, the band and NICK exit.
MAHA
Peace.
Blackout.
SONG 2: SATISFACTION (The Rolling Stones)
Dance number.
When the song is over the dancers leave the stage. PROF. enters from the center aisle.
PROF
The regs, the regs, you’ll bring the feds in on us day one.
NICK
I’m not...
PROF
Oh, no man, listen... listen. Hear that?
NICK
No, I don’t hear anything.
PROF
That’s right, mama, silence will get us fined. The regs, the feds!
NICK
I’m not...
PROF
Play something, anything.
PROF goes to the door but is unable to open it.
Well, this leaves us up an unsanitary tributary with no feasible means of transport.
NICK
I can do that.
NICK does the thump. The door opens.
PROF
He’s a magic man.
PROF enters the control booth and turns on the reel to reel player.
NOTE: Recorded music underscores all acting scenes..
PROF
We’ve got to hoist the colors man. Where are they?
NICK
Colors?
PROF
The stations call numbers. You have to air them all the time or the feds can like fine you out the yaz... They are generally on a cart, like a little tape. Here, call letters. Let’s just plug it in.
When PROF plugs in the cart the music fades out and four singers walk on stage. NICK sees them. PROF does not. They sing.
SINGERS
(singing)
K-P-L-D---placid radio--AM---Amen!
PROF
That shit’s got to go.
PROF pulls the cart out and drops it in an empty garbage can. It makes a loud ringing sound.
The singers creatively “flip off” NICK and exit.
NICK
Pointing at the singers.
Did you see that?
PROF
What?
NICK
That.
NICK points to the empty stage. PROF looks at the stage then at NICK.
PROF
No man, I don’t do that stuff anymore. But that’s cool.
McLARRY enters on the small stage and sits in a chair. A wife in a housecoat and curlers brings him the phone and some coffee. She brings out an ironing board and begins to iron McLARRY’s shirt.
The telephone rings. PROF answers.
PROF
K-flaccid.
McLARRY
What? Who is this?
PROF
No. no, You called me. Who is this?
McLARRY
John Joseph McLARRY.
PROF
I’m John Jacob Jingle-hammer Smith, nice to meet you.
PROF covers the phone with his hand and talks to NICK.
Some goof called McLarry.
NICK
He owns the station.
PROF
Ah, good morning, sir, man, sir.
McLARRY
What is your name?
PROF
Preffesser, sir.
McLARRY
Tell me, professor, what are you doing at my station?
PROF
I’m the new engineer.
McLARRY
Professor, do you have a college degree?
PROF
No, sir.
McLARRY
I didn’t think so. Do you have a real name?
PROF
Yes, sir.
McLARRY
And what is it?
PROF
Brian.
McLARRY
Tell me Brian, what where you doing in the men’s room this morning?
PROF
That’s kind of personal, sir.
McLARRY
From now on it will be two minutes for your personal business, and you will have to go in shifts. Got it?
PROF
No problem, sir.
McLARRY
Now let me speak to the broadcasters.
PROF
The jocks?
McLARRY
Yes, the jockeys.
PROF
They’re not...
NICK waves PROF’s answer off.
...available. They’re in the men’s room.
NICK slaps his head with his hand.
McLARRY
Still?
PROF
I guess they don’t know the rules, sir.
BON enters the small stage.
BON
Daddy, I wanna go to the station.
McLARRY
Not now, Bon-bon.
BON
(loudly)
Bon-Bon wants to go to the station!
Wife hands BON a jellyroll. BON eats. She changes her attack on McLARRY.
(sweetly)
Bon-Bon wants to go to the station.
McLARRY
( To PROF)
Well, the rules are that we have to broadcast our station letters. You idiots broadcast the wrong letters. They’ve been changed.
PROF covers the phone and whispers to NICK.
PROF
What are the new call letters?
NICK shrugs his shoulders.
BON
(pouting)
Bon-Bon wants to go to the station.
JOHNNY enters from the center aisle.
JOHNNY
(loudly)
W-R-Q-X, W-Rocks! Rocks the world and touches home!
JOHNNY runs into the control booth and grabs the phone from PROF.
(Into the phone)
Sorry, Honey, but we don’t take requests in the drive-time slot/ But if you are real sweet, maybe you can come by the station later; and we can go to a private screening of Johnny’s favorite new flick, CARNAL KNOWLEDGE.
BON
(slowly and growing)
Bon-Bon wants to go to the station.
Blackout on the small stage.
JOHNNY kisses the phone and hangs it up. He flips on the “ON THE AIR” sign, stops the music and speaks into the microphone.
W-R-Q-X, W-Rocks! Rocks the world and touches home... All the easy listening was for the... BIRDS!
Blackout.
SONG 3: MR. TAMBOURINE MAN (The Birds)
When the song ends, the lights fade to the center aisle.
CHASE is standing with a group making out. He is wearing a motorcycle helmet. The girl is wearing a Mickey Mouse hat with ears.
Lights come up on JOHNNY who is watching the scene in disgust.
PROF leaves the engineering booth with an empty coffee cup, goes on stage, and then goes backstage.
JOHNNY
(over the air)
This is Johnny “comes” Murchinholm on W-R-Q-X and its time to “Chase the mouse!”
JOHNNY makes several meows and hisses.
CHASE does not stop.
I say it's time to CHASE THE MOUSE!
JOHNNY roars like a lion.
CHASE stops kissing, looks at the control booth. He lets go of the girl and starts to run to the booth. He realizes he is wearing the helmet, runs back and exchanges the helmet for the mouse ears and runs to the control booth. The girl exits.
An improvisation ensues with JOHNNY and CHASE banging the desk and recorders making all kinds of wild animal sounds.
CHASE
( A Mickey Mouse voice)
Oh, no! I’ve had it this time Mouseketeers!
(As a big dumb dog)
Nope, nope, I don’t think so, no, no, no.
(Mickey)
Quick ya dumbdog, save me!
JOHNNY and CHASE make wild mouse and cat sounds.
CHASE does a very bad dog bark. He begin s to cough uncontrolabily.
(Mickey)
Oh, that’s my luck. A three pack a day dog!
CHASE coughs and barks.
(Mickey)
What’s a poor mouse to do?
They cat, dog, mouse, meow, hiss, bark and cough in a rage practialy tearing the control room apart.
NICK has entered with a broom and is watching the scene in disbeilf. He uses the broom to shut the door to the control booth from a destance.
PROF enters with a full coffee cup and stands center stage watching. He looks and smiles at NICK who does not smile back.
JOHNNY
(An Owl)
Who! Who! Who!!
CHASE and JOHNNY calm down.
CHASE
(Mickey)
Who are you?
(The Dog)
Laughs and coughs uncontrolabily.
JOHNNY
What’s the matter pooch, emphysema?
CHASE
(dog)
Camels.
JOHNNY
(owl)
Walk a mile, man’s best...
(Cat)
Meow!
CHASE
(Mickey)
Help me!
JOHNNY
(Owl)
Not to fear. The cat just wants some cat-nip.
CHASE
(Mickey)
Cat-nip?
JOHNNY extends his hands wanting CHASE to hand him something.
Oh, cap-nip!
CHASE takes off the mouse ears and produces a joint which he hands to JOHNNY.
PROF laughs.
NICK doesn’t get it.
JOHNNY makes a purring sound into the microphone.
CHASE
( a deep voiced school teachers voice)
See there kids? Like a good scout, always be prepaired. This is a tip from your old friend, school master Bernie. Remember youthful citizens of the future... Stay Medicated!
RECORDED SONG:
JOHNNY and CHASE laugh.
NICK sweeps his way off stage.
BON enters from the isle. She spots PROF and runs to him.
BON
That was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You are the funniest D.J. ever. did I tell you-I’m into free love?
BON hugs him and spins him around.
PROF
This does wonders for my Id and its not bad on the libido, but I’ve got to tell you something...
BON
Oh, no! You don’t like girls. that’s OK, I can respect that. I’ve just never known anybody...
PROF
Wait! so much for the libido.
BON
I don’t get it.
JOHNNY and CHASE are trying to get out of the control booth. They are locked in.
JOHNNY
Hey, engineer. Can you open the door?
CHASE
I don’t do locked doors. I’ve got hydrophobia!
JOHNNY
You’re all wet.
BON
Who’s that?
PROF
The jocks.
BON
Who are you?
PROF
Preffesser. I’m the new engineer.
BON backs away and whipes her hands on her jeans.
BON
A.... and a laborer.
PROF
I didn’t make this coffee strong enough.
CHASE
Hey, teacher? I got to go to the can.
JOHNNY
Yeah, I need to go before the song is over.
PROF
You’re not going to believe this man, but there is some strange rule about that here.
CHASE
Let me out man or you’ll have to get a mop.
PROF
I can’t get that door open either.
BON
Are you the D. J.’s?
JOHNNY
Yes, we are.
BON
I’ve got this favorite song...
JOHNNY
I don’t do requests.
CHASE
This is not a good time for this.
JOHNNY
We’re not just some drunk bar band that you can shout song titles at and buy with beer.
CHASE
Don’t say beer.
BON
I’m the bosses daughter.
JOHNNY
A principle is a principle! And an artist is an artist. It just doesn’t wash.
CHASE
Wash.
BON
I know how to open the door.
CHASE
We’ll play it.
JOHGNNY
We will not!
CHASE
Lend me your pocket.
PROF
I’ll find the janitor.
BON
I wanna hear a record!
JOHNNY
(mocking)
I wanna hear a record.
(pause)
Piss off!
CHASE
That does it!
Black out.
SONG 4: WHITER SHADE OF PALE (Procol Hiram)
Lights up.
The door to the control booth is blocked open useing a chair. CHASE is on NICKS back reaching up to put something on the “On The Air” sign. He places a piece of papper with the letters “IN” behind “the “TH” in “THE. The sign now reads, “ON THIN AIR.” BON is getting in the way. NICK carries a plumber’s helper.
JOHNNY
Up next is the news with psyco-Silver, after these moose-ages...
(Rocky Squral)
Not that trick again?
(Bullwinkle)
This time for sure.
(JOHNNY)
On the...
CHASE lands in the control booth.
CHASE
Chase...
JOHNNY
...Johnny...
CHASE / JOHNNY
...Show!
They sing the theme from the Twilight Zone.
CHASE
Imagine yourself, if you will, in a new world of sound and sound. You are entering...
CHASE
The commercial zone....
BON
(To CHASE)
I’m a Virgo.
CHASE
I’m a vegarian.
BON looks at nick confused.
NICK
Still holding the plumber helper.
Janitor.
BON looks at JOHNNY.
BON
I’m going to own the station someday.
JOHNNY
I don’t do requests.
The lights cross fade to the small stage.
Two men are setting on a park bench. One is smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. The other is rolling another one. A teenage girl passes by and stops. She watches.
GIRL
What’ cha doin’?
ROLLING MAN
Rolling me a real cigerette.
GIRL
Roll me one?
SMOKING MAN
No way little lady, The Bull’s a man’s tobacco.
Enter a well-dressed woman.
WOMAN
What’s that strong manly aroma?
ROLLING MAN
It’s the Bull ma’am.
GIRL
He won’t roll me one.
WOMAN
Of course not. Ladies smoke filters.
GIRL
It’s just not fair. Women have rights too...
Enter a well-dressed man.
WELL-DRESSED MAN
Don’t get upset. Try new Lady Bull with more raw taste, tar and nicotine, but with a filter so it’s femine.
GIRL
Thanks mister.
WOMAN
Say, can I have a Lady-Bull too?
WELL-DRESSED MAN
Sure. Don’t settle for any old cow-get a Lady-Bull.
SMOKING MAN
What’s the world coming to?
ROLLING MAN
Got a light?