Reptilian Resurgence!
Our Gazette reporters bring you the latest news on the shocking discovery that has all of Pontoon Beach a-gawk.
The Pontoon Baptist Church has for some years enjoyed iconic status within its community due to its attractive dome-shaped sanctuary. But this idyllic community has recently been shattered by the discovery that the church’s famous dome is, in reality, a turtle.
Trustees of the church noticed some months ago cracks forming inside the sanctuary, and assumed these were signs of unresolved damages within the dome structure. But further investigation revealed the terrible truth. Sometime, somehow, the church had taken for their sanctuary an enormous reptile.
Immediately, the church’s officers called upon Dr. Hubert Pendleton Schneider, Senior Professor of Herpetology at Collinsville University. The good Dr. Schneider made a careful examination of the dome/shell, and confirmed that the church indeed had been holding worship services inside a turtle.
“A tortoise, in point of fact”—Dr. Schneider hastily corrected, with the obligatory tone of academic condescension. “To be precise, what we have here is a very rare specimen of the Aldabra Colossal Tortoise…Aldabrachelys Colossicus ssp. Ecclesiasticus.” This particular species of tortoise, he explained, hibernates for decades at a time, and camouflages itself as a dome sanctuary to avoid predators.
The cracks in the walls are the ominous indication that the tortoise is waking from his long nap. Unless he can be induced to remain stationary, he will soon rise and tromp away to forage.
Naturally, the church is scrambling to respond. Inquiries have run along various lines: Do we have a legal right to compel the turtle to stay? Will we have to pay rent? If so, what currency to reptiles accept? Is the turtle a Christian, and if so, is he eligible to become a member of the church?
After extended consultation with the Gateway Baptist Association, PBC church leadership has begun the search process for an Associate Pastor of Turtle Relations.
Alack, A Church Newsletter!
The Pontoon Gazette
Managing Editor: Horace S. Epworth, esq.1
Shaken to the Foundations!
Dome sanctuary revealed to actually be giant turtle!
Figure 5: The Pontoon Baptist Church sanctuary awakens.
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1 Wot thou not, this is a Pseudonym?
from the
Pastor’s
Quill
Psalm 19 begins saying, “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” Even in this brief word, we find a source of strength and joy if we will pause to meditate on it. God is glorious, majestic, unfathomably marvelous, and as the psalmist says his greatness is displayed through the beauty of the natural world. We know this; but here is the thought I wish to reflect on: praising God and proclaiming his glory can become a chore or a ritual if we allow it to, but it wasn’t meant to be one – it can be a joy.
This same God whose majesty is proclaimed by the beauty of the skies desires to be a loving father to all who will call on him. He wants to enter into a loving relationship with us, and when we have that, we can begin to delight ourselves in his greatness. When we know that he loves us more than we can possibly imagine, God’s glory becomes our strength. He is great—and we are His.
Take the time to relish the glory of God. Contemplate the awesome might of the Creator, the love of the Redeemer, the splendor of the Holy One. Let it sink into your heart and rejuvenate your spirit.
May the peace of the Lord be upon you this month.
A Two-Monthly Calendar, for Your Convenience
September-October 2016
A Crafty Affair: Be sure to swing by the Craft Fair on September 17 and peruse the fine wares
Sunday, September 4th: Church Council Mtg, following service
Monday, September 5th: Labor Day! *Church Office Closed* Pastor not laboring.
Wednesday, September 7th: Monthly Business Meeting
Saturday, September 10th: 8:00 AM Men’s Breakfast
Sunday, September 11th: Lord’s Supper
Tuesday, September 13th: 6:30 PM S. School Teachers Mtg.
Thursday, September 15th: 2:00 PM Ladies’ Tea & Bible Study
Sunday, September 25th: Potluck after service
Saturday, October 1st: 9:30 AM Gateway Baptist Association Annual Meeting
Sunday, October 2nd: Church Council meeting after service
Wednesday, October 5th: Monthly Business Meeting
Saturday, October 8th: 8:00 AM Men’s Breakfast
Sunday, October 9th: Lord’s Supper
Also, Leif Erikson Day—indulge your inner Viking!
Tuesday, October 11th: 6:30 PM S. School Teachers Mtg.
Thursday, October 13th: 2:00 PM Ladies’ Tea
Friday, October 28th: Bonfire
Monday, October 31st: Reformation Day! (Also, Halloween)