Reporter 1And Here in Birmingham East, the Returning Officer Is Just Returning the Result

Open Government

(Election day.)

Reporter 1And here in Birmingham East, the Returning Officer is just returning the result.

Ret. OfficerDavid Lloyd-Evans, 4106, James George Hacker 21,793, Arthur William Gaunt 19,425

Reporter 1So Jim Hacker's back, with an increased majority, and after many years as a Shadow Minister, seems almost certain to get a post in the new government.

(The presumptive Minister and his wife Annie Hacker are at home)

MinisterI haven't had a call yet.

AnnieWho from?

MinisterOur new Prime Minister, of course, who do you think?

AnnieWell, what do you expect? The car's only just got back from the palace. I saw it on the news.

MinisterAh. Any moment now then.

AnnieSo who was on the phone?

MinisterFrank Weisel. He's coming right over.

AnnieWhy doesn't he just move in?

MinisterAnnie, sometimes I don't understand you. He's my political advisor. I depend on him more than anyone.

AnnieWhy don't you marry him?

MinisterDarling. You do over-react to everything so.

(Phone rings.)

MinisterHere we are. (Answers phone)

MinisterJim Hacker. Yes? Oh, it's you. Yes, it was a good party, wasn't it. Yes, I've got a bit of a headache too. Look, do you mind if I ring you back, I'm waiting for a rather important call. Yes. Bye-bye. Aldevon Spotiswood. I wish people wouldn't keep ringing me up to congratulate me, don't they realise I'm waiting for the call.

AnnieYou sound as if you're about to enter the Ministry.

MinisterYes, but which Ministry, that's the whole point.

AnnieIt was a joke!

MinisterOh. I see. (pauses) You're very tense.

Annie(with as much tension as she can muster) No, no I'm not tense. I'm just a politician's wife, I'm not allowed to have feelings. A happy carefree politician's wife.

MinisterWhat are you looking for?

AnnieA cigarette, I can't find any.

MinisterTry the cigarette box.

AnnieIt's empty.

MinisterTake a librium.

AnnieI can't find the librium, that's why I'm looking for a cigarette. Oh Jim, I've had it. Would you pop out and get some?

MinisterSorry, love. Daren't leave the phone.

AnnieLook, if the PM wants you to be in the stupid cabinet, the PM will phone back if you're out. Or you can phone back.

MinisterThe whole point is that I led the campaign against the PM for the leadership. If I'm out, well . . . who knows?

AnnieI could take a message.

(Phone rings. Jim answers.)

MinisterHello, yes? Speaking. Oh, it's you, Michael. No, I haven't had a call, have you had a call? Bill's had a call? What's he got? Europe? (to Annie) Bill's got Europe.

AnnieLucky Europe. I didn't know Bill could speak French.

MinisterHe can hardly speak English. (into phone) Yep, I'll call you back if I hear anything. Right. Bye.

(After a few seconds of blissful silence, the phone rings.)

MinisterFingers crossed. (Answers phone) Hello, yes? Speaking. It's the gas board. Good Lord, man, that was weeks ago. Yep, well, would you mind, I'm waiting for a rather important call . . . Look, Mr Franklin, there happened to be a General Election yesterday. Oh, you voted for the other side, did you? How on earth did you manage get to the polling booth on the right day? Two assistants, three returns for spare parts? Look, Mr. Franklin . . . Frankly, Franklin, I don't care if the whole central heating system collapses in ruins, I have got to get off this phone right now.

AnnieThey won't come now.

MinisterIf the PM gives me consumer affairs, they'll come.

(Doorbell rings. Jim picks up the phone.)

MinisterHello? Hello? Hello???

Annie(fondly) Darling, that was the front door bell. It'll be Frank.

(Enter Frank)

FrankDid you know Martin's got the Foreign Office?

MinisterHas he?

FrankJack's got Health, and Fred's got Energy.

AnnieHas anyone got brains?

MinisterYou mean Education?

AnnieNo, I know what I mean.

MinisterBut what's left? What have I got?

AnnieRhythm?

MinisterFrank, I have heard absolutely nothing. Not that it's surprising. My whole career is going down the drain and up the spout because the Prime Minister of England completely unable to get me on the electric telephone.

(Phone rings.)

MinisterYou get it, would you darling?

BBCHello, this is the BBC. We were wondering if Mr Hacker would like to be interviewed on the PM programme this afternoon.

AnniePM?

MinisterPM? (grabs phone) Hello, yes, Jim Hacker here.

BBCAre you available this afternoon?

MinisterYes, any time you like. Any time you . . .

BBCWe were wondering if perhaps we could interview you?

MinisterYes, I've been hoping you'd call.

BBCTell me, what job do you think you're likely to get?

MinisterI beg your pardon?

BBCTell me, what job do you think you're likely to get?

Minister(flustered) Hardly for me to say, is it? That's for you to tell me.

BBCWhat?

MinisterWell, I mean, that's not up to me to say. That's up to the PM to say. You're the PM's office . . . oh, I see - the BBC PM office. Oh, what a silly mistake, yes, oh. Goodbye.

AnnieWell, I did try and tell you.

(Phone rings.)

MinisterYou answer the bloody thing.

AnnieHello. Mrs. Hacker speaking. Oh, congratulations, Prime Minister, it's Annie here.

(Plates crash as Jim hears this)

MinisterHello, yes, Prime Minister. Yes, of course. Right-o. I'll be on the next train.

(On the TV)

Reporter 2Top tip for the Department of Administrative Affairs is Jim Hacker. Kenneth, isn't he on the young side for a Cabinet post?

Reporter 1Yes, well, he is in his late forties, but it is a big jump up for him. On the other hand, this department's been a bit of a political graveyard lately.

Reporter 2A further group of cabinet appointments has now been announced from Number 10. The post of Minister for Administrative Affairs goes to Jim Hacker, the former Shadow Minister for Agriculture.

(The Minister gets out of a car and is met by Bernard.)

BernardGood afternoon, Minister.

MinisterGood afternoon.

BernardBernard Woolley, Principal Private Secretary.

MinisterHow do you do.

BernardThis is Mr. , Assistant Private Secretary.

MinisterThis is my political advisor.

BernardAh yes, of course, Mr Weasel.

FrankWeisel.

(They go into the building. Bernard is speaking to the Minister.)

BernardI was the Minister's Principal Private Secretary, but of course, that was in the last government, Minister. However, if you . . .

MinisterNo, no, I'm sure you'll be just the thing.

BernardThank you, Minister, how kind of you.

MinisterWhere are we all going to?

BernardWell, you're going to your office, Minister.

MinisterWhat about Frank? Where's Frank?

BernardOh, he's being taken care of, Minister.

(Frank has been diverted into the waiting room.)

FrankBut this is the waiting room.

Martin Precisely, sir.

FrankBut I'm Jim Hacker's special advisor.

Martin The Minister now has a whole department to advise him, sir.

FrankBut he needs me.

Martin Of course he does, sir, but until the Minister sends for you, would you be so good as to wait?

(Bernard and the Minister are in the Minister's office.)

BernardSherry, Minister?

MinisterJim.

BernardOh, gin?

MinisterNo, no, Jim. Jim Call me Jim.

BernardOh, well, I think if it's all the same to you, I would prefer to call you Minister, Minister.

MinisterMinister Minister? Oh, quite, quite, I see what you mean.

BernardDoes that mean I have to call you Private Secretary Private Secretary?

BernardNo, do call me Bernard.

(Bernard hands the Minister a glass of sherry.)

MinisterThank you, Bernard.

BernardYou are most welcome, Minister.

MinisterCheers Bernard.

Bernard(toasting) Your health, Minister.

MinisterWell, now . . .

(Enter Sir Humphrey.)

BernardAh, Minister, allow me to present Sir Humphrey Appleby, permanent undersecretary of state and head of the DAA.

MinisterHello, Sir Humphrey.

HumphreyHello and welcome.

MinisterThank you, Sir Humphrey.

BernardI believe you know each other.

HumphreyYes, we did cross swords when the Minister gave me a grilling over the estimates in the Public Accounts Committee.

MinisterOh, I wouldn't say that.

HumphreyYou came up with all the questions I hope nobody would ask.

MinisterWell, opposition is about asking awkward questions.

HumphreyAnd government is about not answering them.

MinisterWell, you answered all mine, anyway.

HumphreyI'm glad you thought so, Minister. (toasts him) Good luck.

MinisterWho else is in the department?

HumphreyWell, briefly, sir, I am the Permanent Undersecretary of State, known as the Permanent Secretary. Woolley here is your Principal Private Secretary. I too have a Principal Private Secretary, and he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary. Directly responsible to me are ten deputy secretaries, 87 undersecretaries, and 219 assistant secretaries. Directly responsible to the Principal Private Secretaries are Plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Undersecretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.

MinisterCan they all type?

HumphreyNone of us can type, Minister. Mrs. McKye types. She's the secretary.

MinisterPity, we could have opened an agency.

HumphreyVery droll, sir.

BernardYes, very amusing, sir.

MinisterI suppose they all say that.

HumphreyCertainly not, Minister. . . . Not quite all.

MinisterNow, then, to business. You'll have to forgive me if I'm a bit blunt, but that's the sort of chap I am. Frankly, this department . . . I don't care for this chair very much.

BernardWe can change it, Minister.

MinisterCan you?

BernardWe can change anything, Minister - the furniture, decor, office routine - your wish is our command.

MinisterIn that case, I'd like a new chair. I hate swivel chairs.

BernardIt used to be said there were two kinds of chairs to go with two kinds of Minister. One sort folds up instantly, the other sort goes round and round in circles.

(Humphrey frowns and shakes his head. Bernard stops smiling.)

MinisterNow then, gentlemen. Frankly, this department has got to cut a great swathe through all this stuffy Whitehall bureaucracy. We want a new broom, We're going to throw open the windows, let in a bit of fresh air. Cut through the red tape, streamline this creaking old bureaucratic machine.

HumphreyYou mean a clean sweep, Minister.

MinisterThat's it, a clean sweep! Far too many people just sitting behind desks.

(Bernard and Humphrey look at the Minister, sat behind his desk.)

MinisterNot like us, of course. But we've got to get rid of all of those people just making work for each other.

BernardUh, get rid of, Minister?

MinisterYes.

HumphreyI think you mean redeployment, sir.

MinisterYes. Yes, oh Good Lord, no, I didn't mean put them out of work. No, no, open government, that's what my party believes in. That was the main plank of our manifesto. Taking the nation into our confidence. Now how does that strike you? (To Humphrey) Do sit down.

HumphreyOh, may I, thank you? In fact, just as you said in the House on May the second last year, and again on November 23rd, and in your Observer article, and in your Daily Mail interview, and as your manifesto made clear.

MinisterOh, you know about that?

HumphreyI'd like you to take a look at these proposals, Minister. They outline the ways in which these policies can be implemented, and contain draft proposals for a White Paper for your approval. We thought the White Paper might be called Open Government.

MinisterYou mean it's all . . .

HumphreyAll been taken care of, Minister.

Minister(pleased) Who did all this?

HumphreyThe creaking old bureaucratic machine. (stops himself) No, quite seriously, we are fully seized of the need for reform and we have taken it on board.

MinisterI must say I'm rather surprised. I expected to have to fight you all the way along the line with this.

HumphreyPeople do have funny ideas about the Civil Service. We're just here to help you formulate and implement your policies.

Minister(reading) Proposals for shortening approval procedures in planning appeals.

Humphrey(quotes from memory) Hansard, volume 497, page 1102, column b. Quote, Mr Hacker; is the Minister aware that planning procedures make building a bungalow in the twentieth century slower than building a cathedral in the twelfth century? Opposition laughter and government cries of shame.

Minister(laughing) Yes, well, they didn't actually cry shame.

HumphreyQuite so, Minister.

MinisterWell, I think that's it, then.

HumphreyOh, there are one or two more things, Minister.

MinisterWhat things?

BernardYes, if you would just like to check your diary for next week, Minister.

MinisterMy diary? You didn't know I was coming. You didn't even know who'd win the election.

BernardWe knew there would be a Minister, Minister.

MinisterDon't start that again!

BernardI'm sorry. Even though we didn't know it would be you.

HumphreyYes, you see, her Majesty does like the business of government to continue, even when there are no politicians around.

MinisterBit difficult, surely?

HumphreyYes. And no.

BernardIt's going to be quite a busy week, Minister. Nine cabinet committees, the annual dinner of the Law Institute on Monday at 8, at which you will have to make a speech, a deputation from the British Computer Association at 10.30 on Tuesday morning, opening the National Union of Office Employees Annual Meeting on Wednesday, at which you will have to make another speech.

MinisterWait, wait a minute. What about all the other things I have to do?

HumphreyWhat other things, Minister?

MinisterWell, I'm on four policy committees for the party for a start.

HumphreyWell, I'm sure you won't want to be putting party before country, Minister.

MinisterI . . . no, no, of course not.

BernardI'll just fetch your boxes, Minister.

MinisterBoxes? Already?

HumphreyYes. You see we did manage to keep the last Minister supplied with work throughout the campaign, but I fear, well, it's not for me to criticise . . .

MinisterWhat do you mean?

HumphreyWell, it's a harsh thing to say about anyone, but . . . some of the boxes came back with the work not done.

(The Minister gasps and tuts. Bernard enters with a huge stack of red boxes.)

BernardIf you could complete the first four by Saturday evening, your driver could collect them and deliver the other two.

Minister(aghast) Villa's at home to Liverpool. I've got a surgery in my constituency on Saturday.

HumphreyI suppose we could minimise the paperwork, so that you need only take the major policy decisions.

MinisterNo, no, no, no. I'll take all the decisions round here. Now then, what time shall I come in on Monday?

BernardYou take the 7.45 from New Street, Minister, and your driver will meet you at Euston Platform 7.

MinisterRight.

BernardIf I could just put in these draft proposals in here, and this is your key, Minister.

(Frank enters, angry and blustering. He proceeds to be angry at every opportunity for the rest of the series.)

FrankGet out of my way, I've had enough of this. Jim! What is going on?

MinisterHello, Frank! Where have you been?

FrankStuck in the waiting room.

BernardDo you mind? We are in private conference with the Minister.

FrankThen I should be here too.

MinisterNow, calm, calm down, Frank. Sir Humphrey, Frank must have an office of his own, in the department.

HumphreyCertainly, Minister, if you insist.

MinisterI do insist.

HumphreyWell, I do think we have some spare office space - in Walthamstow, don't we, Bernard?

FrankIn Walthamstow?

HumphreyYes, surprising, isn't it, the government owns property all over London.

FrankI don't want an office in Walthamstow.

BernardIt's in a very nice part of Walthamstow, sir.

HumphreySo I gather.

FrankI need an office here, in this building.

MinisterYes, I agree with Frank.

HumphreyWell, in that case, Bernard, we must find an office here for Mr. Weasel.

FrankWeisel!

MinisterAnd I want copies of all the papers that come to me to go to Frank.

HumphreyAll?

MinisterAll.

HumphreyIt shall be done. All the . . . appropriate papers.

(Sir Arnold and Humphrey are drinking port.)

Sir ArnoldHow's your new Minister?

HumphreyLearning the rules very quickly for a new boy. How's your new cabinet?

Sir ArnoldNo problem. I can hardly tell the difference from the last one.

HumphreyArnold, I hear the American ambassador has been spending a lot of time with the PM in the last few days.

Sir ArnoldYes.

HumphreyDefence or trade?

Sir ArnoldBoth.

HumphreyThe Aerospace systems contract?

Sir ArnoldSsshh, we don't want the cabinet to hear about it yet.

HumphreyThis Aerospace thingummy would be rather a coup for the PM, wouldn't it?

Sir ArnoldYes, of course, it's been in the pipeline for months, but the new PM will take the credit.

(Bernard enters.)

BernardSorry to intrude, Sir Arnold. Sir Humphrey, if you could just OK the re-draft of the Minister's winding-up speech I can get it straight down to the House.

HumphreyYes, of course. Would you like to join us?

BernardOh. Yes, thank you, Sir Humphrey, as long as I'm not too long.

(He looks wistfully at the port.)

HumphreyGet yourself a cup of coffee.

(He does. Humphrey resumes the conversation with Sir Arnold.)

HumphreySo it would be rather an embarrassment to the PM, wouldn't it, if a hypothetical minister were to rock the Anglo-American boat.

Sir ArnoldGrave embarrassment.

HumphreyHow grave?

Sir ArnoldMan overboard, I should think.

HumphreyEnough to cut short a promising new ministerial career?

Sir ArnoldNo question.

(Bernard hovers awkwardly.)

HumphreyAh, pull up a chair, Bernard. And tell us what you think of our new Minister.

BernardWell, absolutely fine.

HumphreyYes. We'll have him house-trained in no time. He swallowed the whole diary in one gulp, and I gather he did his boxes like a lamb last Saturday and Sunday.

BernardYes, yes he did.

HumphreyAs long as we can head him off this Open Government nonsense.

BernardBut I thought we were calling the White Paper 'Open Government'?

HumphreyYes, well, always dispose of the difficult bit in the title. It does less harm there than in the text.

Sir ArnoldIt's the law of inverse relevance. The less you intend to do about something, the more you have to keep talking about it.