Reflections on the lost intimacy of childhood
by Robyn Monro Miller
Jenny was my best friend, in year 4 I thought she was a bit of a snob. In year 5 I had to sit next to her in class. By Year 6 we were inseparable.
We walked home together every day. She had to touch a white fencepost before we parted ways to go the different directions to our homes. If she did not do this, she was not my best friend.
She did it, most days.
Yes, we had arguments, and stormed home from each others houses, often whilst one pleaded for forgiveness. We shared the highs and lows of our life together.
We managed each step of our late childhood, secure in the friendship that we shared. We fell in love with the local boys ( deep gutting wrenching love!), read the successful spy tips from our ‘spycraft’ book, agonised over parents or teachers that did not understand us, mused over the latest Trixie Belden book, compared gym boots and caught tiny lizards together on hot summer days.
The hive of our activity was generally confined to a place where no one could find us…the garage roof at her place. With it’s high parapet shielding us from view of adults, other children and potential enemy invaders, it gave us a clear view of the local park. This in turn provided the opportunity for us to spy on the neighbourhood coming and goings. If we wanted a swim we would climb down from our posse on the roof and walk the two blocks back to my place whilst her mother called after us "be home by 5".
This was my world and my childhood, and in many cases it was not a lot different to any other child’s, the ingredients are often the same – it is just the quantities, locations and the fashions that may vary.
My friendship with Jenny was a bridge between childhood and adulthood, and whilst other friendships across the course of my life thus far have been significant, this friendship stood out. The adventures shared and the long private conversations known only to each other, are an integral part of who I am today.
Middle childhood is an important time for making friendships, participating in rituals and learning about your own responses to life. In our development it is critical that we make and sustain friendships as part of healthy social and emotional development.
We cannot reflect on the impact of childhood experiences without acknowledging that the friendships children form during middle childhood are valuable learning experiences that sustain and support their healthy development.
Friendships between children should be recognised and respected. Far too often we negate friendships of children as being less intense than adults and superficial. It is not uncommon for adults to complain about the cliques and the secrecy of children’s friendships, the petty arguments and the lack of engagement with adults. Yet,if we truly reflect on the childhood friendships we experienced, even the transient friendships, all provided opportunities for us to learn more about ourselves and other people.
The obesity epidemic is visible, the lack of physical activity and access to play spaces is observable and increasingly well documented. The cry of child friendly communities concentrates almost solely on the environment. Both these high profile subjects attract media attention because we can immediately quantify it. It is a visible reminder to us all. The concerns over the sensory deprivation of our children are very real as children interact less and less with their environment
But there is something else.
There is a more subtle enemy of childhood. An enemy that exists not because of lack of adult attention, but due to an excess if it.
This enemy is the social deprivation of children caused by the lack of time for them to spend in self regulated friendships. This enemy has sprung up from the affluent perception that children must be supervised at all times, that strangers are lurking ready to snatch them away and that the best chance you have for success in later life is to attend as many extracurricular activities as can be fitted in to the average week.
The lack of time set aside for children to ‘just be’ , to sit and talk together, to muse and to share secrets free from adult oversight and questions are rapidly diminishing.
Are we losing the ability to appreciate and to engage in intimacy? Is a child’s first experience of intimacy not the sharing of a secret or a whispered confession? The childhoods that are now filled with relentless activity and adult supervision, where moments of quiet reflection and mutual sharing of experiences are seldom, should be considered “deprived” childhoods.
“What did you do today?” Must be replaced in our conversation with “Who did you hang out with today? “
Our own response to children’s friendships should be to encourage and support the development of relationships, through regular time for kids to be alone together, to hang out, to be bored, to have non compulsory activity and opportunities for free play, and sometimes….to build a cubby where the sign on the door says “no adults allowed” .
As families become smaller so to does the importance of providing opportunities for children to develop friendships. In services where children gather there should be an unspoken rule that it is OK to hang out. An understanding that it is more harmful to not allow these opportunities for children’s development than it is to do it.
Jenny lives in Darwin now, her house is sold and a new family is in residence. I see them sometimes when I pass by, on the way to my childhood home.
Little has changed, the house is till a red brick bungalow and the lizards still sun themselves on the rocks. There is only one change, noticeable to only me perhaps... the garage roof is always empty.
My hope for the children that live there is that they have found another hiding place. A place to share secrets, a haven to reflect on life and an opportunity to benefit with their friends from the shared intimacy of an unhurried, childhood friendship .
Where were you going as a child when your mum said "be home in time for dinner"?