Rachel Vandercook-Degarmo

Minding

Rachel Vandercook-DeGarmo

University of Kansas

The thought and behavior patterns associated with minding can be used in couples counseling to enhance relationships and with individuals in therapy who are trying to enhance relationships with friends and family. Minding is defined by Harvey, Pauwels, and Zickmund (2005) as “a reciprocal knowing process involving the nonstop, interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of persons in a relationship” (p. 424). Through this process, couples can create stronger bonds and more fulfilling relationships. The process of minding consists of five components: knowing and being known, attribution, acceptance and respect, reciprocity, and continuity.

Knowing and being known involves the active pursuit of getting to know another individual. Counselors can help clients achieve this by leading them through a process of questioning their partners as well as sharing their own thoughts, feelings and experiences. This pursuit of knowledge about one’s partner should also be accompanied by behaviors that enhance the relationship. For example, buying flowers for a partner is a nice gesture, but buying a particular type of flower that is your partner’s favorite shows a specific knowledge about him/her. Counselors can lead their clients to brainstorm behaviors that require special knowledge about the partner.

Attribution in this process refers to the attributions individuals make about another’s behavior. Attributing a partner’s negative behaviors to outside circumstances, while attributing positive behavior to internal characteristics, is positive for relationships. Through a cognitive process, counselors can help their clients examine how they view their partners’ behaviors, and therefore see how easy it is to be wrong about another’s motivations or behavior. Clients can then begin to reexamine attitudes and hopefully use a combination of internal and external attributions when evaluating both negative and positive events.

Acceptance and respect are necessary in a relationship if the first component, knowing, truly takes place. Partners have to be prepared to accept what is shared and still be able to respect their partner. Counselors can help clients identify positive interactions that facilitate respect including listening respectfully to other’s opinions, working out compromises, and paying attention to others during conflicts. All couples are going to have conflicts, but if they can infuse conflicts with positive interactions, a well-minded relationship will result.

Reciprocity means that in order for a relationship to flourish, both parties must be involved in the process. Counselors should monitor the involvedness of both parties and help facilitate equal participation, even if part of it is in a scripted manner. “Scripts are preplanned ‘programs’ for behavior that are carried out on a routine basis” (Harvey et al., p. 428). For example, a couple may have a specific plan for who buys groceries or who cleans the bathroom, and that person continually follows the “script” with no need for discussion. This could also include a scripted time when couples share successes or problems each day. Scripts should not replace the minding process that evolves naturally to produce closeness, but they can help couples deal with everyday time stressors in an equal way.

Continuity refers to the idea that minding must be a process that continues and develops over time. There is not a finish line where minding is mastered to a level that needs no further work. Rather, the work is ongoing and ideally becomes an integral part of how partners treat each other. Counselors should teach clients to use the components of minding consistently so that they become an automatic part of the relationship.

Through minding, couples can find mutual satisfaction and learn behaviors that contribute to the desires and hopes of each other. This, in turn, results in more satisfying relationships and couples who are prepared to face adversity together.

References

Harvey, J. H. Pauwels, B. G., & Zickmund, S. (2005). In C. R. Snyder & S. J. Lopez (Eds.), Handbook of positive psychology (423-433). New York: Oxford University Press.