QUESTIONS FREQUENTLY ASKED
ABOUT DEATH AND FUNERALS
Produced by The Churches’ Funerals Group
Introduction
Most people at some time will arrange a funeral or will assist in the arrangements. Just over 600,000 people die in the United Kingdom every year. Each individual death and the funeral that follows can be a critical event in the life of the family involved. This leaflet is to help you be more prepared for the funeral so that it may be of maximum value and benefit. Many people find themselves bewildered and perplexed when face to face with bereavement, particularly when the death of a loved one is sudden and unexpected. Questions without immediate answers quickly fill the mind: feelings of panic often cause confusion. Preparations for funerals are best made in advance when you have more liberty and less pressure to discuss them. This leaflet has been produced by the Churches’ Funerals Group. Much of its content is equally relevant to people of other faiths, but they will need to consult the leaders of their own faith communities about the religious aspects of the funeral.
A funeral for Christians is a religious occasion when bereaved people thank God for the life just ended, ask for God’s forgiveness for the one who has died and support for those who grieve. The Christian hope for life in Christ beyond death is affirmed, and the meaning of death for the Christian is expounded. This all takes time both in the preparation and at the funeral itself. The purpose of this leaflet is to provide information and suggestions that can help you make these decisions wisely and with more confidence. The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for relatives, friends, neighbours and others who share in the loss to express their love, respect and grief and enables us to face openly and realistically the many problems and questions that death presents. Through the funeral bereaved relatives, friends and colleagues take that first step toward adjustment to their loss. It is because we believe that the tense moment of committal emphasises the fact of death that the Churches’ Funerals Group discourages family-only committal services immediately preceding public services of thanksgiving.
This leaflet is designed to help. It takes nothing for granted. It offers answers that to some may be obvious, but to many may be new. In a society that often seems to shun the reality of death this guide is offered for support and information. Practical decisions need to be made: burial or cremation; what to do with the ashes; the length and location of the service at church, cemetery or crematorium; who should preside at or participate in the service; the arrangements for the post-funeral meal. Preparations are especially sensitive these days when funeral congregations can include people of different faiths and of none. Christian people try to see death as a gateway to ‘another country’. It is our conviction that Christ has overcome death through His cross and resurrection. We therefore offer this publication with hope in our hearts that it will help many people to approach a difficult subject with some knowledge.
1. What should I do when someone dies?
If death occurs at home, call your doctor. The majority of deaths (three-quarters) take place at a hospital or a residential or nursing home. When death occurs, call your minister and a funeral director, who is ‘on call’ 24 hours a day every day of the year. If you wish, the funeral director will contact a minister on your behalf. If a friend or relative will promise to be your companion during the next few days, it would help you.
2. Who makes the funeral arrangements?
The next-of-kin, or sometimes the executor appointed by the person who has died, is responsible for the funeral. The funeral arrangements will be co-ordinated by the funeral director, and the initial meeting to begin to make the arrangements can be made at the funeral director’s office or at the family home. Be aware that not all arrangements discussed at the initial meeting can be finalized there. There are a number of practical details that will need to be negotiated with others – not least access to burial ground or crematorium and, if this is requested, the availability of church and minister for a service in the church, or of the minister for a service in the burial ground or crematorium. However, the funeral director will take responsibility for following up these matters with care and efficiency. The responsibility for any church or religious service lies with the minister concerned. The funeral director will be able to offer guidance, sometimes in the form of written material supplied by local churches, as to the shape and content of these services, but the local minister will be the one who will agree the details of the service with you.
Where a church or religious service is requested, the funeral director will make contact with the minister concerned, and arrange for them to meet with you. However, you are not obliged to seek the help of a funeral director [see also 14 below]: There are a number of guides available for DIY funerals, for example Nicholas Albery et al, The Natural Death Handbook, although, if you want to do without professional support, you are strongly advised to make preparations in advance.
3. Should we hold a funeral service?
A funeral acknowledges that a death has occurred and that a life has been lived. For Christian people there is the hope of eternity, both for the bereaved and the deceased, which is expressed through the prayers, scripture and music. The role of a funeral service is to enable people to come to terms publicly with the fact and the meaning of death. The service helps mourners whether it is a religious or non-religious event. Where a person has died in Britain and the body is being sent overseas for burial, a funeral service may be held also in Britain, with or without the body present.
4. Should a funeral service be a public or a private event?
The funeral is not a private event, because the person who has died has always been a member of one community or another. Private funerals are not usual, although they can be arranged. Whilst a family is often too sad to appreciate the funeral fully, the presence of friends at the funeral can do a great deal to provide support and confirm belief. As you remember your loved one, others will remember as well. Death touches and affects relatives, friends and others in a variety of ways. The funeral can provide everyone with an opportunity to acknowledge and to respond to the change that death has brought about. Experience indicates this will not be accomplished by getting the funeral over as quietly as possible.
5. How can a funeral service help me?
The minister can give understanding support to those who mourn and help you in preparing the service. Arrange to speak with the minister in good time before the funeral. The fact of death will not be avoided but placed in the wider perspective of eternal life. Talking together at this time may enable you to accept the reality of what has happened. It helps ministers in preparing for the funeral if you can take time to tell the life story of the person who has died. This should make the service personal to you and your family.
6. If a family has no church affiliation, who will officiate at the service?
The funeral director will normally use your local minister; if he or she is unavailable, another minister, perhaps retired, can be arranged by the funeral director. If you require a non-religious service, he can also put you in contact with Humanist or secular celebrants. Whatever your beliefs, it is always a good idea to choose your minister or celebrant in advance.
7. May children attend a funeral service?
A death in the family is always a sensitive time for children. More and more children are now attending funerals. It is thoughtful, when discussing with children the likelihood that someone they love is about to die, to ask if they would like to join the rest of the family at the funeral. Children of any age can certainly attend funeral services, but the child must be prepared well in advance so they know what to expect. Make time to answer their questions both before and after the funeral. Some churches, for example the Roman Catholic Church, provide opportunities for a range of services which can involve children, both in the church and at home, acknowledging their role and need for support. There are also post-funeral rituals in which they can take part.
8. What type of clothing is usually worn to a funeral service?
Remember that funerals will usually involve some standing about in the open air, so dress warmly. Whilst there is a lot of freedom about dress these days, a funeral is still a dignified occasion. Take your lead from the family involved. To minimise any danger of giving offence, dress conservatively.
9. Who issues a Death Certificate?
A death certificate is a legal requirement and may be obtained from the Registrar of Births, Marriages and Deaths. The Registrar’s number is usually in the telephone book. Your funeral director, doctor, hospital authority or coroner’s officer can also tell you what to do and where to go. Most Registrars now operate an appointments system. If there is to be a post-mortem there may be a delay, but the Coroner will advise you.
10. What is a Coroner?
A Coroner’s responsibility is to investigate sudden or unexplained death, and every county has to appoint one or more Coroners who are experienced lawyers or doctors. A death occurring in these circumstances is usually reported to the Coroner by the police or by a doctor. Sometimes this is done by the Registrar. If the death is not due to natural causes the Coroner is obliged by law to hold an inquest. The majority of post-mortems do not involve an inquest.
11. What is embalming, and is it necessary?
Embalming is a form of treatment to enable the preservation of the body. The body must be embalmed for transporting to most countries and for long distances within the UK. In the absence of specific instructions on the part of the family most funeral homes will embalm. If the family wishes to view the body, or if a long period of time is to elapse before the funeral, the funeral home will usually require embalming. If you are uneasy about embalming, ask your funeral director for more information.
12. What does an average funeral cost?
A quoted average can be misleading and does not give all the answers. Biennial surveys of funeral costs are published by various consumers’ organisations. All funeral directors are obliged by their associations’ Codes of Practice to have price lists available and to give written estimates. You should note that there are considerable variations in funeral costs, both between funeral directors, different cemeteries and different crematoria. It is most important that a family selects the funeral that suits their wishes and circumstances. It is always wise to make enquiries in advance.
13. How can I obtain a simple funeral?
All funeral directors provide a range of funeral services to meet the wishes of all their clients, whatever their circumstances. They are bound by their associations’ Codes of Practice to offer a simple, or basic, funeral, which should at least include the making of arrangements, collection of the body from a local address, a simple coffin, hire of a hearse and attendance at the funeral at a cemetery or crematorium.
14. Can a family arrange a burial or cremation directly with the cemetery orcrematorium?
Yes. It is always a good idea to seek professional advice in advance and to visit the cemetery or crematorium of your choice so that it is familiar. Funeral directors are increasingly willing to advise on DIY funerals.
15. Is there a difference in cost between burial and cremation?
There are usually significant differences between fees for burial and cremation, the former being the more expensive. It is important to bear in mind, however, that fees for cremation do not include any costs which might arise in connection with the burial of ashes. There are also considerable differences in ‘disbursements’ – those items of funeral expenditure on doctors’ fees, clergy fees and the use of the cemetery or crematorium.
16. What is the cost of a grave?
There is a great variation in the prices of graves from one area to another. Cemeteries are operated by private companies or (usually) local authorities. If you choose to be buried in a local authority area other than your own, you may need to pay more. Churchyards are owned and managed by the Church of England; some other churches maintain burial grounds. All may follow different rules and pricing structures from local authorities.
Cemeteries have both consecrated and non-consecrated areas. There will be a charge for the opening of a grave already in your family’s ownership. Some cemeteries will permit two or more interments in a single grave. Most cemeteries have regulations which govern the size of headstones or ground level markers. Most publicly owned cemeteries only grant limited tenure to the owner of the grave, but this can be renewed.
There are now over 100 green or woodland burial sites. The Natural Death Centre can supply a list of these. The funeral director can give you the costs for the various burial grounds in the local area and can give you advice.
17. What are the funeral arrangements for a stillborn or newly born baby?