Question: It is not necessary for people to travel to other places to learn about the culture. We can learn as much as from books, films and the Internet. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Notes: the red words below are my corrections based on your feedback.
Some people are of the opinion that traveling is not the only way for people to discover the foreign cultures. This might be true to some certain extent, but real experience is likely more impressive[1] for people to get to know a new culture and to really understand it deeply.
On the other hand, people can explore diverse cultures from many sources without moving away from their positions[2]. Through books, films, the internet and the mass media, they are provided with animmense[3]amount of useful information about the customs of other regions, helping to open their minds and expand their awareness. In other words, it is no longer difficult for people to look for any news and articles about the features of designated areas on the internet or in the mass media. What is more, watching movies is also a popular approach to learn the local communication, right manners or common behaviors of different communities. Generally, these useful sources assist c[4]ultural explorers in broadening their knowledge by staying at home[5]instead of traveling.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that experience is always beneficial to those who care about the discovery of new cultures. The more exposures[6] people can obtain in other areas by themselves, the longer memorable cultural features will stay in their minds. In fact, people cannot totally believe in the information from books or films; or they may not be attracted byit. That is why practical experience fascinates people and effectively assists them in learning cultural diversity more quickly. Therefore, despite being obviously aware of cultural discoveries from materials and technological devices, people still prefer collecting their own information.
In conclusion, learning the culture of other places can be carried out via reading books or watching films, but the effective way to gain cultural knowledge is to travel [7]to those places and experience them.
You’ve done all the corrections well, except for ‘exposure’. It’s uncountable, so you shouldn’t use an ’s’ on the end. Your organisation and ideas were fine. The only problem areas were at the sentence level.
You asked, “I don't get why you made the word " impressive" in bold. Can you explain more?” It was my mistake. I had meant to list vocabulary that was not wrong, but not quite right either, but I forgot this one. Here’s a list then of vocabulary that I would change if I were writing this;
- impressive —-> effective
- positions —-> already changed
- news and articles —-> new or other articles
- right manners —-> correct manners
- other areas —-> other cultures
- memorable cultural features —-> their experiences
- attracted —-> convinced
None of these are exactly ‘wrong’, but taken together they sound a little unnatural. Even so, this re-write is a good model of an 8.
[1]
I don't get why you made the word " impressive" in bold. Can you explain more?
[2]
homes?
[3]
immense requires a COUNTABLE noun, but in this case your noun is information. In the case of uncountable nouns you need to add a COUNTING WORD : amount(s) of
[4]
I don’t get this. Why not just say, ‘help cultural exporers’?
[5]
Do you mean, ‘by staying home’?
[6]
exposure is usually uncountable
[7]
the effective way …. IS TO TRAVEL