Planning for the Future - Let’s Talk About It!

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Rachel Lockwood

Family Consumer Science Extension Educator

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Let’s face it; few adult children want to have a conversation with their parents about the aging process and the decisions that come with it. The conversation of preparing to care for an aging parent or family member comes with mixed emotions that need to be understood and respected by both sides. Being sensitive and acknowledging the aging parent’s or adult’s feelings and preferences as well as recognizing their needs to be independent and in control, will help them maintain their dignity.

Most people are very private about their finances and legal arrangements. While everything is going well, their finances are their own personal business, but when a crisis strikes, adult children often find they do not have the information they need to assist their parent(s).

A discussion on quality of life as well as financial and legal matters will help ensure parents can clearly express their preferences and that family members have the opportunity to honor their wishes. Issues to be considered for discussion may include wishes related to medical care, management and transfer of assets, and distribution of family heirlooms.

Let’s Talk about It

Family communication is much more than just the exchange of words between family members. It is what we say, how we say it, why we say it, when we say it, and what we neglect to say. It is our facial expressions, our gestures, our posture, or vocal tones. Difficult conversations among family members can impact the health and structure of family relationships. Family communication styles vary within a family unit. Can you identify with any of the communication styles below?

  • The family has open communication with a preference for the traditional family hierarchy. Family members tend to engage in discussions about a wide array of topics in which children are encouraged to voice their thoughts and feelings. However, parents ultimately expect their children to follow parental authority and hope their children will adopt similar values. Discussing issues that counter parental values or involve independence will be viewed as taboo.
  • The family has open communication. Although, parents may not agree with the children’s’ decision-making, they respect the children’s’ independence. Few topics are perceived as difficult because family members respect each other’s decisions and view conflict as part of the process.
  • The family promotes obedience to parental authority and interdependence of members at the expense of open and honest communication. Parents in these families do not offer explanation for their decisions and members are expected to avoid conflict and maintain harmony with the family. They are less likely to engage in difficult conversations in general.
  • The family has very little interaction between parents and children. Family members are emotionally divorced from one another. Even if individual family members believe they have a difficult topic to discuss, they are unlikely to engage in the conversation.

No matter what your family’s communication style is, begin talking with aging parents about what issues are important to them. Opening a discussion with parents about their goals for the future, their finances and legal arrangements can be difficult but it is possible. Once the conversation is started ask if a family member present can take notes to put it in writing. Many family conflicts can be avoided by having parents put wishes and preferences in writing and communicating them to family members. By having open family communication the emotional, financial and physical burden is more likely to decrease for the aging parent and the adult child. However, if parents would be uncomfortable discussing their preferences with family members, encourage them to first talk to a minister, banker, accountant, or a friend they trust.

Tips for opening a discussion:

  1. Dad, I am not sure that I would know what you want if something happened and you were incapable of speaking. Do you have time to tell me some of the things that are important to you?
  2. I know this isn’t fun to think about or talk about, but I really want to know what’s important to you. I’m going to do the same thing for myself.
  3. Mom, do you think you might want a hand with some of the housekeeping or shopping?

Quality of Life

Everyone has a different interpretation of “Quality of Life”. What is quality of life to you is probably not the same for the aging parent/adult. Start by asking about their priorities. Use the tips below as a starting point and ask for them to check which ones apply to them and then to talk about which ones are more important than others.

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____I want to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible.

____I want to remain healthy and active.

____I want to remain in my own home for as long as possible.

____I want to focus on a hobby of mine.

____I want to work as long as possible.

____I want to become involved in the community.

____I want to remain as financially independent as possible.

____I want to take classes.

____I want to create a safety net in the eventof an emergency or crisis situation.

____I want to start my own business.

____I want to buy a second home.

____I want to move closer to family.

____I want to relocate to a smaller home.

____I want to retire in a different place.

____I want to travel.

____I want to be able to help my children and grandchildren.

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Letter of Last Instruction

A letter of last instruction is a very effective and organized wayfor aging parents or adults to provide their family members/friends the information he or she will need concerning the aging adult’s personal and financial matters.

A letter isn’t a will or a substitute for one. A will is a legal documenttelling a family member/friend how to disposeof property and personal effects. Attorneys describe the letter as a personal document, usuallywritten to a member of the family.

The letter provides two main purposes:

1. It outlines the location of all the aging adult’s important papers

2. It contains information about their personal desires—how they would like their personal affairshandled when they die or are incapacitated.

Additional questions to ask:

  • Where do you want to spend your final days? At home, or in a hospital or medical facility? Surrounded by people who love you, or privately with as little fuss as possible?
  • What kind of medical treatment do you want?
  • Who do you want to take care of you? Do you have a preference in terms of gender, or other specifications?
  • What kind of funeral services do you want? Do you care about an open or closed casket, cremation or donating your body to science?
  • Where do you want to be buried? Do you have a burial plo or a burial policy? Do you have a plan for location? Do you want to be cremated?

Let’s Talk Legal Matters

Ask basic questions in advance:

  1. Ask parents what plans they have for someone to care for their personal and financial affairs if they should become mentally or physically incapacitated. Parents should have a lawyer develop a durable power of attorney document or and an Advanced Directive for Health Care. An Advanced Directive for Health Care form can be found on the Aging Services Division of the Department Human Services at The Advanced Care Directive for Health Care is a legal document which allows a person to instruct their attending physician whether or not they wish to be given life-sustaining treatments and artificially administered nutrition (food) and hydration (water) and to give other medical directions that impact the end of life. Its purpose is to recognize the patient’s right to control some aspects of medical care and treatment, primarily the right to decline medical treatment or direct that it be withdrawn even if death ensues. An Advance Directive for Health Care may include a living will, the appointment of a health care proxy (a proxy is a person authorized to act for another) and directions for organ donation.A Durable Power of Attorney for Financesdocument will designate someone to act on their behalf should they become incapacitated. This can help avoid the costly, time-consuming process of petitioning the courts for a guardian to be appointed. The Durable Power of Attorney can be limited to specified responsibilities for managing assets, or it can be general to cover a broad area of decisions regarding handling of financial affairs. In this document, parents can authorize a relative, close friend, or trusted advisor to manage the financial affairs.
  2. Learn about parents’ plans for dispersal of assets and family heirlooms. Parents cannot take it with them, but they can decide where it goes. Unfortunately, 60% of Americans who die each year fail to leave a will.

Wills

Parents may assume their property will pass on to loved ones. However, in cases where there is no will, Oklahoma law determines who will get the property. A will is a tool to ensure that property goes to the person of their choice, . Both husband and wife should have a will.

If parents already have a will, it should be periodically reviewed and changed when needed. It is especially important to review the will if they move to another state, because each state may have slightly different laws. Additionally, if the family situation changes through marriage, divorce, birth or death of heirs, or if additional assets are acquired, the will needs to be updated. Likewise, changes will be necessary if the person who was named executor, guardian or trustee is no longer able to be responsible. Keep a current accounting of the location of will.

For additional information about wills and estate planning, see OCES Fact Sheets T-4155 Wills & Trusts, AGEC-773 Probate and AEC-782 Wills: Requirements and Considerations.

Trusts

A trust allows the transfer of property ownership to a separate entity called a trust. A trust is managed by a trustee according to rules established in the trust document for the benefit of the beneficiaries named in the trust. There are many different types of trusts. For example, a revocable or living trust allows parents to change the terms of the trust, should they change their mind. An irrevocable trust does not allow a change in terms once the trust document is completed. A properly executed trust can reduce probate expenses and ensure the smooth transfer of assets to beneficiaries. For additional information about trusts see OCES Fact Sheets T-4155 Wills & Trusts and AGEC-771 Trusts: Uses and Considerations. Also available is the Senior Citizens Handbook from the Oklahoma Bar Association. This guide is available for download online at or can be ordered by calling 1-800-522-8065.

Let’s Talk Financial Matters

Financial questions can be delicate because few people want to talk about their financial affairs. It is common for parents to have savings and investments or debt their adult children do not know about. Therefore, seek out the following financial information, using the enclosed guide, to talk about the location of valuable records:

  1. How do they manage finances? Do they use online banking, an accountant or software program to keep track of income and expenses? If so, where is the information stored (i.e. website, flash drive, CD, laptop, desktop, etc.)? Do they pay bills online or are there automatic deposits/withdrawals? If so, who, when & how much? Where are the accounts and personal identification (PIN) numbers kept?
  2. What assets and liabilities do parents have? There may be accounts or property holdings in other states, or even other countries, that children may not know about. A family member may owe them money base on a verbal agreement, yet there is no record of the loan. Make a list of assets and liabilities, including a list of the amounts of money on loan to family and friends.
  3. What insurance coverage do parents have? Do parents have sufficient insurance to cover high medical expenses or long term care insurance? Identify their savings or investments that could be used towards medical expenses? A review of insurance coverage may identify needless life insurance or duplicate Medigap policies. To insure maximum entitled health insurance benefits from Medicare and Medigap insurance, check out eligibility requirements. Medicare provides hospital (Part A) and medical (Part B) insurance coverage as well as offers drug coverage (Part D). Although anyone receiving Social Security benefits are automatically enrolled in Part A insurance coverage, coverage under Part B and D is voluntary. Medicare benefit coverage, coinsurance requirements as well as Part B & D premiums change January 1 of each year. To receive the latest update on Medicare benefits check out the Medicare website at Additional information is available through OCES Fact Sheets, T-4153 Understanding Long-Term Care and T-4154 The Basics of Long Term Care Insurance, and T-4156 Life Insurance.
  4. What income is from Social Security and private pension benefits? Social Security benefits are available to all persons who meet the eligibility requirements. Free personalized benefit estimates are available from the Social Security Administration. To obtain a form you may contact your local Social Security Administration office, access their website at or call 1-800-772-1213(TTY 1-800-325-0778).
  5. What Veterans Administration (VA) benefits are available? The VA administers a variety of benefits and services that provide financial and other forms of assistance to Service members, Veterans, their dependents and survivors. To obtain more information on benefits contact the VA at You can also contactyour local Disabled American Veterans (DAV) chapter directly or go to
  6. What public and private benefits are available from the federal, state and local government programs that help aging adults pay for doctor visits, food, energy bills, property taxes and other expenses? Contact the Aging Services Division of the Oklahoma Department of Human Services Senior Info-line: 1-800-211-2116 or access services on the web at A new resource to Oklahoma is the Advance2-1-1 Oklahoma. Advance 2-1-1 Oklahoma is an easy-access system for information and referral to community services for those who need help and those who provide help. To access Advance 2-1-1 simply dial 211 on your telephone and follow the prompts to discover what resources are available in your area.

Learn where important documents and records are kept. After carefully thinking, planning, and taking appropriate actions and developing necessary documents, make a list of all documents and other important records. It is critical that family members know where records, passwords and documents can be found.

  • Financial advisors suggest that people keep three copies of all key documents: one in a safe deposit box, one in parents’ files and another at their children’s homes or at their attorney’s office.
  • The important point is to know where your parents’ important papers and financial accounts are located. Advance preparation can eliminate paper chasing at a time of grief and stress.
  • To help your parents organize the location of important financial, legal, and other documents, a checklist is provided on the following pages. Also see OCES Fact Sheet T-4150 Organizing Household Records.

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Let’s Create a Plan of Action

Following the conversation, a written agreement capturing the decisions and agreements made can be a helpful reminder for family (team) members. Distributing a calendar with different days marked with responsibilities and commitments can also help each person honor the agreements made. The attached planning guide can help families work together through the transition process.

Name/Family:______Date:______

Copy 1 Stored:______

Copy 2 Stored:______

Family Communications
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Keep family caregiving team informed
Coordinating Visits
Other:

Safe Deposit Box #:______At:______Key:______

Personal Information
Family Member Name / Birth Date / Location of Birth Certificate* / Social Security Number* / Location of Social Security Card / Military Records / Location of Military Records

*While adults and responsible youth can carry Social Security cards in their purses or wallets, it may be advisable to keep them in a safer location until they are needed. Birth certificates should be kept in a safe deposit box or fireproof and burglarproof home safe.

Email Accounts
Family Member Name / Website / E-mail / User Identification / Password

Like Social Security Cards and Birth Certificates are kept in a very safe location, the same rule applies with passwords for online accounts. It may be advisable to keep them in a safer location until they are needed. Passwords should also be kept in a safe deposit box or fireproof and burglarproof home safe.

Health Care Guide
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Designated Health Care Proxy
Insurance Policies (e.g. Health, Dental, Eye, Long Term Care, Life)
Make, accompany, drive or make arrangements for doctor’s appointments
Ordering, maintaining and paying for assistive technology (e.g., wheelchair, walker, etc.)
Prescription List
Submit Medical Insurance and bills
Explain medical decisions
Durable Power of Attorney
Do Not Resuscitate Order (DNR) if applicable
Communication with other family members regarding health care
Other:
Home Maintenance and Living Arrangement
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Accessibility for disabilities/modification of facilities
Grocery shopping and meal preparation
Home repairs
Housekeeping
Lawn care
Ongoing maintenance
Pay rent/mortgage
Pet care
Property Taxes:
Safety concerns
Utility Companies:
Power Company
Gas Company:
Cable/Internet:
Home Phone:
Cell Phone:
Garbage Service:
Other:
Home Maintenance and Living Arrangement
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Accessibility for disabilities/modification of facilities
Grocery shopping and meal preparation
Home repairs
Housekeeping
Lawn care
Ongoing maintenance
Pay rent/mortgage
Pet care
Property Taxes:
Safety concerns
Utility Companies:
Power Company
Gas Company:
Cable/Internet:
Home Phone:
Cell Phone:
Garbage Service:
Other:
Financial Affairs
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Keeping track of financial records
Other:
Paying bills
Safety concerns
Supervising public benefits programs, etc.
Other:
Transportation Needs
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Coordinating rides
Driving decisions
Review of Public Transportation Options
Vehicle maintenance
Other:
Personal Care
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Barber/ Hair Stylist
Help with personal hygiene
Organization of family and professional care providers
Other special interests/hobbies
Rides to organizations or club meetings
Other:
Financial Affairs
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Keeping track of financial records
Other:
Paying bills
Safety concerns
Supervising public benefits programs, etc.
Other:
Transportation Needs
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Coordinating rides
Driving decisions
Review of Public Transportation Options
Vehicle maintenance
Other:
Personal Care
Types of Tasks / Responsible Person / Contact Person & Information / Schedule
Barber/ Hair Stylist
Help with personal hygiene
Organization of family and professional care providers
Other special interests/hobbies
Rides to organizations or club meetings
Other:

Once the above guide is used for designating responsibilities of family members or friends, refer to the guide in Fact Sheet *****, Getting Records in Order by Taking Inventory of Valuable Records that could further assist family members or friends with health care or financial decisions. Also, for further resources on caregiving topics, visit the Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service Website. Topics related from AgrAbility, housing modifications, wills and trusts, real estate ownership to Nutrition and Family Relationships can be found at or contact your local OSU County Extension Office. A listing of county offices and educators can be found at