Peanuts are for Monkeys
By Yair Packer
FADE IN:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Some 10people sitting at tables. 5 people at the bar. Fred, the barman puts down the phone. He walks over to Rick and Linda who sit at the bar drinking and eating peanuts.
FRED
That was Junkuro. He's on his way. Something to do with our lottery ticket.
LINDA
You and Junkuro hold a lottery ticket together ?
FRED
Yeah. Had it for 3 years. 4589321. (beat) We never won anything.
RICK
Says Who?
FRED
Junkuro.
LINDA
Ha.
RICK
(to Linda)
Come on Linda. Junkuro wouldn't cheat Fred here. They've been best friends
for years.
FRED
I know.
RICK
Know what? That Junkuro wouldn't cheat you or that you two are friends?
FRED
Both I guess.
Linda laughs.
LINDA
Rick doesn't believe in friendship unless there's fucking something in it for him.
RICK
True. (beat)Have my reasons.
LINDA
(to Fred)
How much did he say you won?
FRED
He didn't say much. Just that he's coming over to talk about the ticket.
LINDA
There's nothing to talk about unless you've won.
RICK
It won't be less than a thousand dollars.
FRED
I don't know if we won anything.
RICK
So why should he tell you he's coming over ? He knows you're here.
It's your fucking bar.
A man at a table raises his hand to Fred. Fred goes to him. .Rick eats the peanuts.
LINDA
Rick salt is not good for your blood pressure.
RICK
They're not that salty. (beat) The old ones were much better. Fred probably
has a new supplier.
LINDA
Told Fred he was going to get lucky this week. I had this dream where there
were a lot of zeroes above his head.
RICK
Like the Saint?
LINDA
What Saint ?
RICK
The TV series.
LINDA
He had only one and it was a circle not a zero.
RICK
So how the fuck do you know that what Fred had over his head were
zeroes and not circles? Like the Olympic?
LINDA
The circles in the Olympic are linked. Fred's zeroes were one on top of
the other. (beat) There were four or five of them.
RICK
Four is 10,000 dollars.
Fred comes back.
RICK (CONT'D)
Fred listen. The peanuts are no good. Almost no salt.
Fred takes one and licks it.
FRED
Enough.
Rick takes another peanut and touches the surface. He hands it to Fred.
RICK
Here. Feel it. It's almost smooth and it shouldn't be. Told you no salt.
Fred takes the peanut and touches it.
FRED
I can feel the salt.
LINDA
Fred's fingers are more sensitive than yours Rick.
RICK
They are not. (beat) I played the piano.
LINDA
So?
RICK
You got to have sensitive fingers for the piano.
LINDA
Bullshit. Who told you that?
RICK
Mrs. Bernard. The piano teacher.
FRED
But she has been dead for at least 20 years.
LINDA
18. I just finished high school. Mrs. Bernard was supposed to play at
the ceremony.
FRED
Had one lesson. (beat) She said I did not have the touch.
RICK
(to Linda)
See? Told you. Fred doesn't have sensitive fingers.
Rick takes a peanut and licks it.
RICK (CONT'D)
This one is just right.
FRED
You approve?
LINDA
You expect Fred to lick every goddamn peanut that Mr. Solomon sells
him.
FRED
Old Solomon is retied . It's his son now. Al. (beat) Another round of
beer Rick?
RICK
Al's old Solomon son ?
FRED
Adopted. (beat) He's OK.
RICK
Junkuro's OK. Al's OK. Do you know anyone who's not OK Fred?
FRED
Don't think so.
LINDA
(to Rick)
He trusts people. That's good.
Junkurowalks in. He walks over to Rick and Linda. Sits next to them.
JUNKURO
Hi folks. Give me double whisky Frederick.
RICK
Frederick?
FRED
That's my whole name Rick.
RICK
(to Junkuro)
How come you call him by his full name Junkuro ?
JUNKURO
Guess school days.
(to Fred)
How about that whiskey?
RICK
Don't know anyone who calls Fred by his full name.
JUNKURO
His mom does.
FRED
No she doesn't. She calls me Freddie.
RICK
See.
LINDA
Does it really matter Rick?
RICK
Anyone who calls his friend by his full name can't be his friend.
JUNKURO
Suit yourself Rick. (beat) Give me the whiskey Fred.
FRED
Sure.
(to Rick and Linda)
What for you?
LINDA
Beer.
RICK
Nothing. I'm driving.
Fred goes away.
RICK (CONT'D)
(to Junkuro)
How you been Junkuro ?
JUNKURO
OK. Nothing new.
RICK
Did you meet good luck today?
JUNKURO
Like what?
Fred comes back. He puts whisky in front of Junkuro and beer in front of Linda.
FRED
What's new Junkuro?
Junkuro drinks the whisky and takes peanuts. He eats them.
RICK
How's the salt Junkuro?
JUNKURO
What?
LINDA
Rick says Old Solomon's peanuts had more salt.
JUNKURO
Sure. Salt’s cheaper than peanuts and adds to weight. Solomon cheated.
You get a lot of salt and less peanuts in a pound. No salt is a better deal.
RICK
Knew there was a reason.
Junkuro drinks the whisky.
JUNKURO
Fred?
FRED
Yeah.
JUNKURO
Let's talk.
He points to a distant table.
FRED
Sure
RICK
Secrets Junkuro?
JUNKURO
Privacy.
LINDA
Fred can't leave the bar. (beat) Suppose someone wants something in a hurry?
FRED
Like what?
Linda and Rick look at each other.
RICK
Suppose a guy just buried his mother and he wants to drown her memory
in a drink.
FRED
God rest her soul. How old was she ?
RICK
Don't know. Does it matter ?
FRED
If she was very old than the guy is not so young. So he has wife and kids.
Let him go home and drink there.
LINDA
You'll lose his business.
JUNKURO
How come you two care so much about Fred's leaving the bar for two minutes.
LINDA
We're friends. (beat) True friends.
RICK
Anything that can be said in two minutes isn't that important.
Fred comes out of the bar. He walks to a distant table.
Junkuro takes the bowl of peanuts and his drink. He joins Fred.
RICK (CONT'D)
He had no business taking the peanuts with him.
LINDA
You didn't like them.
RICK
Still.
Rick puts his head down and presses his ear to the bar.
LINDA
You OK ?
RICK
Shh. Trying to listen to what they're saying. (beat). Old Indian trick.
LINDA
Stupid. It works only in movies.
RICK
Shh.
Fred and Junkuro sit.
FRED
Well. What is it Junkuro?
JUNKURO
Well (beat) You've been to the Zoo?
FRED
What zoo?
JUNKURO
The Zoo on GoldenHeights.
FRED
Oh. The small one.
JUNKURO
I work there.
FRED
Yeah. You mow the lawns and stuff.
JUNKURO
Gardener.
FRED
Yeah. Sure. (beat) So?
JUNKURO
The lottery was two days ago. You remember the number of our ticket?
FRED
4589321
JUNKURO
4589321? You sure?
FRED
Positive. I even got it written down somewhere. (he gets up) I'll get it.
JUNKURO
Sit down Fred. It was 4589321.
FRED
Was?
JUNKURO
It won a 1000 dollar.
FRED
We had to get lucky sometime. (beat) It came just in time.
JUNKURO
I'm afraid it's not that simple Fred.
Fred gets up and goes to the bar. He pours himself a drink, Rick looks at him.
FRED
Shut up Rick.
(to Linda) You too.
Fred goes back to his chair. He sits and drinks.
FRED (CONT'D)
I'm listening.
JUNKURO
I don't know how to say that.
(beat)
You know the big ape Bomba?
FRED
The one with the red ass?
JUNKURO
Yeah. Well I was mowing the grass next to his cage when I remembered that
the lottery was the day before and they had the numbers in the paper. So I pulled
the paper out of my pocket to look at the numbers. I see that 489321 won 1000
dollars. Only I wasn't sure if the 1 in our ticket was before the 2 or after so I had
to check.
Fred nods. Junkuro eats peanuts.
JUNKURO (CONT'D)
Rick was right you know. Not enough salt.
FRED
The ticket Junkuro. The ticket.
JUNKURO
I have the paper in one hand and the ticket in the other hand when this Bomba
reaches out and grabs the ticket. Before I could do anything he puts it in his
mouth and eats it. The goddamn ticket with the whole number. He didn't even
chew.
Fred looks at him.
FRED
Hi did what?
JUNKURO
You heard me. He ate it.
FRED
He could've eaten the paper?
JUNKURO
(laughs)
Maybe he didn't like the news.
FRED
And you did nothing? You watched him eat it and did nothing? Why didn't you
call the guard?
JUNKURO
It was gone I tell you.
FRED
Why did you hold it so close to the cage?
JUNKURO
I didn't think...
FRED
We had a 1000 dollars lottery ticket and a fucking monkey had it for lunch just
because you didn't think.
JUNKURO
Bomba isn't a monkey. He's an ape.
FRED
How do I know?
JUNKURO
Well it says there on the cage " Bomba the ape... "
FRED
Why would a monkey have our ticket for lunch?
JUNKURO
I just told you.
FRED
Even if I take your word that this Bomba ate a lottery ticket how do I know
it was 4589321 ? Maybe it was your personal ticket?
JUNKURO
What personal ticket? (beat) I never bought a personal ticket.
FRED
Why is that?
JUNKURO
I never had any luck.
FRED
But the monkey was lucky.
JUNKURO
No he wasn't. He could have cashed it.
FRED
You playing dumb with me Junkuro? Because if you're I'll kill you.
JUNKURO
I wouldn't invent such a story. If you don't believe me...
FRED
You bet your fucking life I don't believe you and I'll prove that you are liar.
Fred gets up and goes to Rick and Linda.
FRED (CONT'D)
Linda I want you to be an ape in the zoo.
LINDA
What?
FRED
Linda ape you Tarzan
FRED (CONT'D)
For a few minutes only. (beat) I want to show something to Junkuro.
RICK
Told you.
FRED
Will you Linda?
LINDA
OK.
RICK
How about me? I can be the guard or a visitor.
FRED
No. You stay right where you are.
Fred takes Linda to the table. She sits and looks at Junkuro in question. Junkuro shrugs. Fred collects a few chairs and makes a circle. He goes to Linda.
FRED (CONT'D)
Come on Linda. Get into the circle and be an ape.
Linda gets into the circle of chair. Fred goes to the bar and comes back with two paper napkins' one white and the other red. He takes out a pen and writes something on each napkin. He gives the napkins to Junkuro.
FRED (CONT'D)
The white napkin is the ticket and the red one is the paper.
JUNKURO
What kind of a game is it Fred?
FRED
Linda is this monkey.
JUNKURO
The ape Bomba ?
FRED
Yeah. (beat) Linda is in a cage like Bomba. Now show me how close to the
cage were you when Bomba grabbed the ticket.
FRED (CONT’D)
(to Linda)
When Junkuro gets close to your cage try to grab the white napkin. OK?
LINDA
Sure.
FRED
Go Junkuro. Take the napkins. Remember White - ticket, Red - paper.
Junkuro takes the white napkin in his left hand and the red in his right hand. He walks close to the circle of chairs and starts to circle it.
FRED (CONT'D)
Hold it Junkuro.
Junkuro stops.
FRED (CONT'D)
No one in his right mind walks that close to a monkey cage unless he wants to
have his head removed. Move 10 inches to the left.
Junkuro moves a little to the left. He starts to walk. Linda tries to reach his left hand but can't. It's too far. Junkuro switches napkins. Now Linda grabs the white napkin.
FRED (CONT'D)
OK. Thank you Linda.
Linda gets out of the " cage " and goes to the bar. Fred takes the red napkin from Junkuro's left hand. Rick applauds.
FRED (CONT'D)
(to Junkuro)
I have just found out your price for friendship. A 1000 dollars. Get out.
JUNKURO
I remembered that I had the ticket in my right hand so I switched napkins.
FRED
Come on Junkuro. You had the ticket in your wallet in the right back pocket.
So you reached for it with the right hand and took out the ticket with your left
hand. It was much easier for Bomba to grab the paper. Now get out. (beat)
I also don't believe that we had 4589321 for three years and never won anything.
JUNKURO
You can't prove anything Frederick.
FRED
Don't need to. Stay the hell out of my life and my bar.
Junkuro walks out. Fred arranges the chairs.
RICK
(to Linda)
What was it ?
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LINDA
Price of friendship.
RICK
The ticket?
LINDA
Yeah. It won a 1000 dollars.
RICK
Three zeroes.
LINDA
Three zeroes and one in front.
RICK
So Fred won 500 dollars.
LINDA
He did and he didn't collect. Junkuro said a monkey ate it.
RICK
Come on. Monkeys don't eat paper.
LINDA
Maybe it was an ape or something.
RICK
Fred didn't buy that story did he?
LINDA
Don't think so.
RICK
Junkuro must have thought that Fred was stupid.
Fred comes back with the bowl of peanuts. He puts it away behind the bar.
FRED
I'm going to call Al Solomon.
RICK
Right. Tell him about the salt on them peanuts. He can't fool you.
FRED
I am asking him to bring almonds with plenty of salt. Peanuts are for
monkeys.
FADE OUT.
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