Pastor Dan Williams
Ladder Lunch: Hong Kong “GOOD GRIEF”
“Grief has brought agony to human beings since Adam and Eve lost the Garden of Eden,” writes my fellow pastor, friend and mentor, Dr. Hardy Clemons in his book, Saying Goodbye to Your Grief. And, although from around 3,000 years ago the Bible recounts many agony-inducing encounters biblical characters had with grief and loss, Hardy notes that no clinical research was done on how it has affected human beings until the first half of the 20th century. And it wasn’t until 1970 that a medical school included a grief textbook in its curriculum. As one famous doctor, Red Duke of M. D. Anderson in Houston, Texas puts it, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt.”
Dr. Clemons writes, “This delay came out of a great amount of denial about the importance of trying to better understand this journey through which everyone passes: the journey of grieving and loosing someone or something.”
I believe grief was never studied in the past because most people thought: If we admit grief and loss, A. It might become real. B. We might appear weak. Or C., We could seem to lack the faith that God will take care of us. Some people will tell us, “If we really had strong faith this wouldn’t bother us!” But rather, I’d say, even with, and at times because of strong faith we eventually experience grief in life. If we say we do not grieve, either we have no meaningful attachments to people and things of real value in life, or we lack the courage to admit it really hurts to loose someone, or something valuable, a relationship or friendship, or even an ability that is lost and becomes a DISABILITY. These all cause stress, loss and grief.
In my experience, Sudden death causes some of the greatest shocking grief, and even when the death is someone we were estranged with at the time of passing has its uniqueness, because “How do you solve your argument or differences now that the other person has died?” The death of a pet can feel like you lost a close friend, and for some non-animal lovers it is difficult to get in touch with that. We were out of town when our German shepherd, Bear was killed by a passing car. Our son, Clay was home alone and called us long distance sobbing. He had brought the limp body home and wrapped the dog in a blanket, and asked me what he could do to live through this.
I called a dog lover deacon friend and said I need a favor and I think you can help. Jake immediately called Clay our son and then came right over with one of our deacons and a shovel. They went to the woods. Clay had written on a handmade cross: Here lies Bear, the best dog ever. Jake consoled well, with tears of his own. Paul, the deacon, made light of it: “Oh Clay, I had so many dogs that died when I grew up on the farm in Georgia. Now I cannot even remember their names. You’ll get over it! Your dad will get you another dog. And it will probably get run over also.” Again, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Henry J.M. Nouwen writes in Mornings: Weeping and mourning are considered by many people as signs of weakness. They say that crying will not help anybody. Only action is needed. And still, Jesus wept over Jerusalem; he wept also when he heard that his friend Lazarus had died. Our tears reveal to us the painful human condition of brokenness; (our tears also) connect us deeply with the inevitability of human suffering; (tears also) offer the gentle context for compassionate action. If we cannot confess our own limitations, sin and mortality, then our well-intended actions for the making of a better world easily backfire on us…. But have you ever thought our tears can lead us to the heart of Jesus who wept for our world. (Then Henri Nouwen says it well): “As we weep with (Jesus), we are led to his heart and discover there the most authentic response to our losses. (P. 85)
Stages of Grief: Generally considered as a journey but not a roadmap, with some retreading, or repetition of stages being common.
- Shock. (I cannot believe this is happening!) 2. Numbness. (I don’t know how I feel!) 3. Alternating between Fantasy and Reality. (I started to call Wanda this morning and then I remembered, she was gone! 4. Flooding Emotions. 5. Selective memory and stabbing pain. 6. Acceptance of the loss and Reaffirmation of Life.
These so called stages, of course, are different for everyone, and again are unique in every loss, and in every person.
What are some of the factors that cause us to grieve? Well, what are some things that change radically from how you once knew them, and what are some things you said good-bye to? Would anyone share something you lost and how it affected you?
- Usually, in literature and experience the first mentioned and generally thought to be the greatest universal loss is: The Death of Someone Close to You.
The death of a loved one is at least one of the greatest sources of fear or anxiety we human beings undergo, especially when the death is sudden and unexpected. In sudden loss you just don’t seem to have time to prepare and then the loss is real and not something we can pretend away. In fact, the unhealthiest people I have ever known were those who believed if they ignored the pain it would go away.
My 40 year old mother got sick one midmorning in my 9th grade year in school. She mentioned to me an upset stomach and went back to bed, and by early afternoon she was extremely nauseated. My father took her to a nearby country doctor’s clinic. The doctor gave her some antibiotics and an IV with fluids and put her in a bed. Then he waited for 36 hours providing her with no serious medical attention as she became “sick unto death.” Do you have the expression: “Sick unto death?” Or perhaps you have heard of the saying, “With one foot in the grave?” If we had only known or noticed!
They finally put her in an ambulance and rushed her off on the 45 minute trip to a real medical center. En route, she briefly awakened, turned to my dad in and said clearly, “Bill, tell the kids I love them.” Then she put her head down and just died. The autopsy identified the cause of death was massive infection caused by a twisted bowel, which could have been corrected handily in a real hospital. She had become a teacher’s aid in Physical Education and lost a great deal of weight in a short amount of time. The rapid weight loss resulted in a twisted bowel, and she died of sepsis or an infection too deep for medicine to reach.
At her funeral I needed to touch her cold body to believe she was really dead. When I put my hand on her arm a really sad, unhealthy aunt grabbed my hand, jerked it away and said, “Don’t you touch her! Don’t you know she’s dead?” Well, in fact “YES!” I knew she was dead, but touching her cold arm made it more real for me instead of more scary. And death isn’t contagious. That is, unless we allow it to “kill” us by not working through our feelings, thoughts, sorrow, and celebration of the person’s life we loved and lost.
She sang like an angel; she loved like a Saint, and was” beautiful in so many ways.” Lovely, much more than skin deep. Here one minute, and gone the next. We didn’t even get to say goodbye her.
That experience, plus the tensions that followed in the family of guilt for all of us, were by far the most horrible experiences I’ve ever been through in my 50 plus years of life. And even now in retelling it I feel sad. However, going though that has helped me many times help others who were going through their own pain. Don’t misunderstand me: The reason my mother died was not for me to be able and equipped to help others make better decisions, or grieve better. If it was that, it was still too costly. She died because someone didn’t pay attention and do the right thing in a reasonable amount of time. As some of you know, I believe the Providence of God interacts with human action. Our choices make a difference. And yet, I have been in the bed of suffering myself and next to the bed of suffering many times, and losing mother indeed has helped me become a better, caring presence with others during their times of hospitalization and grief and loss.
Beyond that immediate experience of grief and loss, there have been periodic times in every member of my family’s lives of the fear of abandonment, the recurring horrific dreams of sheer terror (that have gotten much better over time), and late night fears of when the next traumatic loss might occur.
Violent or sudden death of a humanbeingwho is close to us is often the most traumatic thing we go through in life, however even the loss of “lesser things” like pets can cause a great amount of real sadness and pain also. Sometimes losing a pet can feel as though your best friend or family member died. It is no honest or real comfort when a friend, neighbor, sibling or parent unintentionally makes light of the loss by saying something like: “Don’t cry! Your Mama is dead but she is flying around like an angel in heaven.” Or, “It was just a puppy!” Or, “I told you we will get you another goldfish!”…as we flush it down the toilet! And, sometimes in those times we mistakenly call lesser losses, we help more when we appropriately honor another person’s grief. Then we nurture them and ourselves in ways that will help us and them, prepare for future greater losses in life. And as you responded earlier, they do come.
But it is difficult for us to put ourselves in another’s place when loss occurs. One day when our oldest son, Clay was about three years old the ribbon tied to a helium balloon slipped through his hand and the balloon just shot up in the sky. We had gotten it for him at an ice cream store and it cost about 80 cents. That’s all; less than one dollar! He screamed and cried out, and I reprimanded him: “It is just a balloon! I’ll get you another one, for goodness sake!” You would have thought it was the end of the world, as the balloon floated higher and higher. It got tinier and tinier in our eyesight, but it got bigger and bigger on his LOSS METER the farther away it floated. I think I even said, “Cool! Clay, enjoy and let’s see how long we can watch it until it disappears!”
My minister friend who was with us and said, “Danny, it’s a loss to him and he is really sad! Can’t you sympathize! Let him grieve!” But at the time, I couldn’t, or else I just wouldn’t identify with Clay.
Loss is loss, and grief comes with it. And just because we may not feel it like someone else does, we should be very careful about minimizing someone else’s loss and grief as I did with my oldest son. I plan on calling him tonight and apologizing again and that was 33 years ago.
- Another loss is the Loss Experienced in Divorce and Separation
In a pastoral care class with Dr. Wayne Oates at Southern Seminary one Spring I learned something very helpful about grief and loss. In a study of response to loss, I interviewed 4 sets of recently divorced or separated individuals. I had always thought someone who got a divorce, had a bad experience, decided to split or divorce then just signed a paper, divided up their possessions and basically went on with their lives.
Then I read a text called “Multiple crises of divorce and separation.” It was about physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and social effects of the personal trauma of divorce. I learned about recurring sleep deprivation, stomach ulcers, dietary changes, social losses, not to mention the financial trauma of a lesser household income. Without much variation, the wife suffered most financially.
“Who gets to keep the friends?” Think about it! One person I interviewed shared with me honestly that she had thought this would be the best thing that ever happened to her before it happened. Boy was she surprised. Then she said, “If he had died, (she didn’t wish he would…I don’t think she did) but, if he died, at least I could go to the graveyard and put flowers on it. This way, he is out there somewhere perhaps having a good time with someone else, and I am all alone and financially broke, and he kept all our friends!”
What every one of the people I interviewed told me was the same: They all said they underestimated the difficulty of moving on beyond divorce, even if the marriage had gotten to become very difficult to continue.
- There is also the form of loss in the loss of the possibility of achieving a life’s goal. Sometimes these are not even things you really prepared for, but at some point you say something like, “I guess I will never get to be an astronaut, or a dancer, or play the violin in the Hong Kong Symphony!” Hardy Clemons calls this, “Loss of a dream or opportunity.” I was too short, too slow, and moved around way too many times to ever get very good in any sport, although I swam well and was one place out of going to the state meet in 100 Freestyle. But I loved to play basketball. Once while in seminary I repeatedly went to the gymnasium with a tall friend for jumping lessons. Then after a while I could touch the rim. And one day I finally dunked a basketball. To be honest: I slightly cheated, (ever “slightly cheat?”) I took a ball that had one of the leather panels torn out of it, which made it easier to grip. AND, one of the rims in the gymnasium at Southern Seminary had been held to and hung on, so it was just slightly bent at the front. And so after several weeks of practice, I dunked a basketball. Sort of, kind of. It felt really good, even if the dunk would not qualify as an official dunk. I was a legend in my own mind. And, I never jumped that high ever again.
And I was keenly aware I was not that great athlete I had in my mind. And now I have had to fill my life with other experiences. Basketball is too hard on my lower back, legs, heart, neck muscles, bones…but I can exercise. You get it. But that is a form of grief: when we realize we are not what we used to be, and somewhat over the hill we may need to grieve some, however, we can also adjust our goals. And we can celebrate what we can enjoy doing. Do you have a Bucket List. What a great movie! Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicolson, two of the great all time actors meet on their death beds in a hospital room.
Eventually, they write a list of things they want to do before they die. And I will not spoil the points of their adventures, so go and rent the movie for yourself. Do you have a bucket list? A list of things you are intentional about doing, or achieving, repairing (perhaps a relationship), or preparing for perhaps ETERNITY.
My dad has said for many years, when he could remember what his funny saying was: “If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself!” Well. Are you taking care of yourself and others?
Listen to 2 Samuel 22: 4 and following on how believers can find help during the losses and changes in life. “I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; (Samuel says he went to THE source of help when he was in grief.) And I am saved from my enemies (Samuel continues.) For the waves of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me; the cords of Sheol (the lake of fire or hell) surrounded me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called upon the Lord. Yes, I cried to my God; and from His temple He heard my voice, and my cry for help came into his ears.”
These encouraging words from The Book, are echoed in my mentor’s book on grief as he instructs us on… “Some ways you can help someone else on their road to moving through grief and loss and some ways that aren’t as helpful.
In Good Grief: Hardy says: 1. Listen or you will not HEAR, (don’t do all the talking.) 2. Go! (You cannot be much help in a serious loss for a loved one or close friend if you aren’t with them if possible. 3. Phone or write if you aren’t close enough to be there. 4. Ask questions, brief not nosy, about feelings, the passing period, and the relationship with the deceased. 5. Do not preach or fill the air with pious answers or quick fixes. 6. Offer specific help. Do not say, “If we can do anything just call us.” Rather say, “I will bring supper tonight and tomorrow at lunch for when your family arrives. What do you like to eat?” Or, “Is there anything your family doesn’t like to eat?” “Is there anyone you haven’t called yet that I might call for you?”