Newsletter 21 / 2013
31 July2013
Dear Parents
What an eventful week we have had thus far. Sport in abundance, including soccer matches against Richardia and Felixton, tennis league matches, and the College inter-house athletics. Congratulations to all of the sportsmen and women who represented Grantleigh. They have certainly done us proud. What a lovely evening was had by all during our annual Showcase evening. Certainly the saying “bigger and better” springs to mind to describe this event. Well done to all of the musicians, choristers and teachers involved in organising this event. Truly one to remember. I am sure you will read more about these events further on in the e-news.
The JP Open day and the SP inter-house athletics is taking place on Saturday. We wish the athletes well and look forward to wonderful parental support on the day. There will also be tennis at Heuwelland and College soccer this Saturday.
Last week we heard of the sad passing of former Chairman of the Board of Governors, Ross Armstrong’s father. Our condolences, prayers and sympathy are extended to the whole Armstrong family.
At school over the past couple of months the topic of independence and raising independent children, especially in the Junior Prep has been discussed. This is a very difficult topic and one never wants to tell parents how to be good parents, but I was reminded of an article I had read a few years ago regarding responsible versus contingent children. We see it more and more that children do not feel a sense of responsibility for what they say or do. Is this just the signs of the time or do we as adults have a major role to play in how they are experiencing life? I hope that you will enjoy reading this article.
Parenting: Raise Independent Children
Are you raising responsible or contingent children?
Published on November 17, 2010 by Jim Taylor, Ph.D. in The Power of Prime.
One of your most important goals as a parent is to raise children who become independent and self-reliant people. Certainly, in early development, your children count on you. As infants, they rely on you for nourishment, cleaning, and mobility. As your children grow, they become more independent in these basic areas of living, but still depend on you for love, protection, guidance, and support. As your children reach adolescence and move toward adulthood, they become less reliant on you and gain greater independence in all aspects of their lives. This process of separation prepares your children for the demands of adulthood. But this progression toward adulthood is not inevitable and is often stymied by well-intentioned, but misguided, parents.
Contingent Children
Contingent children are dependent on others for how they feel about themselves. Some parents want to foster this dependence. These parents act on their own needs for power and use control and coercion to ensure that they remain the dominant forces in their children's lives. Contingent children can be recognized in the following ways:
- Bottom of Form
- Bottom of Form
- Depend on others to provide them with incentive to achieve.
- Depend on others for their happiness because they have no ownership of their lives and little responsibility for their own thoughts, emotions, and actions.
- Reinforced with inappropriate rewards and no limits, and regardless of their behavior.
- Poor decision makers because their parents hold the belief that they always know what is best and make decisions without soliciting their children's wishes.
Independent Children
Independent children differ from contingent children in several essential ways. If your children are independent, you have provided them with the belief that they are competent and capable of taking care of themselves. You offered them the guidance to find activities that are meaningful and satisfying. You gave your children the freedom to experience life fully and learn its many important lessons. Independent children can be recognized in the following ways:
- Intrinsically motivated because they are allowed to find their own reasons to achieve.
- Were given the opportunity and guidance to explore achievement activities of their own choosing.
- Parents use extrinsic rewards appropriately and sparingly.
- Collaborative rather than a controlled relationship with their parents in which the children's ideas and wishes are solicited and considered.
- Good decision makers because they were allowed to consider various options and, with the support and guidance of their parents, make their own decisions.
Parent and Children Responsibilities
At the heart of whether you will be raising a contingent or independent child is that you understand the essential responsibilities that you and they need to accept. Taylor's Law of Family Responsibilities states that if family members fulfill their own responsibilities and do not assume others', then children develop into independent people and everyone is happy.
Your Responsibilities
Your responsibilities revolve primarily around providing your children with the opportunity, means and support to pursue their goals. The psychological means include providing love, guidance, and encouragement in their efforts. The practical means include ensuring that your children have the materials needed, proper instruction and transportation, among other logistical concerns.
Your Children's Responsibilities
Your child's responsibilities involve doing what is necessary to maximize the opportunities that you give them. These responsibilities include giving their best effort, being responsible and disciplined, staying committed, and giving an achievement opportunity a realistic try, as well as completing all tasks and exercises, getting the most out of instruction, being co-operative and expressing appreciation and gratitude for others' efforts.
Types of Contingent Children
I have identified five types of contingent children. All of them are created in similar ways. Children develop a particular contingent style depending on their temperament and that of their parents.
Pleasers
Pleasers will do everything they can to get the love and attention they crave. Pleasers may often be perceived as model children who are successful and exceptionally giving to others. Yet, in pleasing others, they often neglect their own needs and, as a result, are unfulfilled, resentful, and unhappy.
Disappointers
Disappointers are non-achievers who never live up to expectations. They are usually bright and demonstrate promise in a number of areas, for example, they often score highly on IQ and achievement tests, yet they rarely accomplish anything. Disappointers relieve the pressure they feel from their parents by simply not trying. Disappointers avoid their parents' expectations by sabotaging themselves, for example, with lack of effort or avoidance of the achievement activity, or significant problem behaviour such as drug use or criminal misconduct.
Reactors
Reactors do the exact opposite of whatever their parents want them to do. Parents often interpret this behaviour as independence, but in actuality, Reactors are highly dependent on their parents in a paradoxical way. Reactors feel controlled by their parents and feel powerless to directly assert themselves against their constraints. Reactors wait to see what their parents want them to do and then they choose the course that is in direct opposition to it. This reactive behaviour usually emerges in the form of nonconformist dress, poor grades, "unacceptable" peer relations, and possibly, alcohol and drug use.
Frustrators
Frustrators, not surprisingly, cause tremendous frustration in their parents.Frustrators are not "bad kids" and they rarely get into trouble. They do fairly well in school and in other achievement settings, yet are often viewed as underachievers who don't perform up to their ability. For example, a Frustrator might get a B+ rather than putting in a little extra effort to get an A in a class, or be named as an alternate to perform in a musical recital, or lose a tightly contested sports competition.
Rejectors
Rejectors refuse their parents' expectations, choosing a course of their own in spite of their parents' objections. Rejectors do not simply react by choosing the opposite, but rather thoroughly discard whatever their parents have to offer. Rejectors may be viewed as the most healthy and adaptive of the five kinds of contingent children because they have separated from their parents and become autonomous and self-directed people. But Rejectors pay a price for their extreme disengagement by damaging their relationships with their parents and discarding even the positive contributions their parents made.
Raise Independent Children
Independence is not something that your children can gain on their own. They have neither the perspective, experience nor skills to develop independence separately from you. Rather, it is a gift you give your children that they will cherish and benefit from their entire lives. You can provide your child with several essential ingredients for gaining independence:
- Give your children love and respect.
- Show confidence in your children's capabilities.
- Teach them that they have control over their lives.
- Provide guidance and then give them the freedom to make their own decisions.
Teach Responsibility
One of your tasks as the parent is to teach your children about responsibility. The best way to ensure that you and your children assume the appropriate responsibilities is for each of you to know what your responsibilities are.
If you and your children have a clear understanding of what is expected of each of you, then it will be easier to stay within the confines of those responsibilities. Make a list of what you as a parent will be doing to help your children succeed.
Then, make a list with your children of what their responsibilities should be. Next, identify other individuals who will have responsibilities (and what they are) in your children's achievement activities, such as teachers, instructors, or coaches.
There should also be consequences for not fulfilling responsibilities. The best consequences are those that remove something of importance to your children and give them the control to get it back by acting appropriately. This process provides absolute clarity to both you and your children about what your "jobs" are. It also allows for no confusion at a later point when either of you step over the line and assume the other's responsibilities or neglects their own.
Demand Accountability
Many parts of our culture send a message to children that nothing is their fault. Whether rationalizing bad behaviour, looking for scapegoats on which to blame misfortune, or faulting others for their failures, children are constantly told that they do not need to be responsible for their actions. Yet, the ability of children to hold themselves accountable for their actions is a critical part of becoming independent.
The reluctance of children to take responsibility for their actions is based on their desire to protect themselves from failure. By blaming outside factors, such as other people, bad luck, or unfairness, children can safeguard their egos from harm. Yet, responsibility is two sides of the same coin. Your children can't take responsibility for their achievements and successes unless they are willing to take responsibility for their mistakes and failures.
Encourage Exploration
Early in your children's lives, you need to keep them on a fairly short "leash" to ensure their safety. This care builds your child's sense of security by teaching them that they have a safe place to return to if they venture too far and that you are there to protect them when needed.
There is, however, a fine line between security and dependence. When your children have established their sense of security, you must then encourage them to explore the world beyond the safety net that you provide. This "push out of the nest" allows your children to test their own capabilities in the "real world" and to find a sense of competence, security, and independence within themselves.
The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent.Erich Fromm
I trust that you will have a wonderful week ahead.
Kind regards
Colston Veater
Head: Preparatory School
ACHIEVEMENTS
Further recognition for our TLC
This stunning picture of the Titanium Learning Centreappeared on the front cover of a leading architectural magazine. It represents a great credit to the architects, T J Architects of Richards Bay and presents a beautiful image evoking a sense of pride in those who spent many hours participating in the planning and design discussions. Of course, and most importantly, it is highly gratifying to know that the Centre is fully operational and performing the function it was designed for, i.e. promoting the development of Maths and Science skills.
GOLD BARS Term 3 2013 (Issued in Term 3 based on Term 2 results)
Congratulations to the following students who qualified for Gold Bars in Term 3 based on their Term 2 results:
Middle School (over 80%)Grade 7:
Armstrong, Annabelle / Grade 8:
Anselmo, Stephany / Grade9:
Akhtar, Saman
Deonarain, Liam / Hoffman, Hilton / Dickson, Dian
Geyser, Ila / Hubble, Tessa / Forbes, Micaella
Govender, Jared / Akhtar, Sameen / Govender, Nickiel
Harmse, Marja / Kelling, Günther / Hashmi, Sana
Hooper, Joshua / Pulido, Andres / Jacobs, Steven
Johnstone, Megan / Davidson, Thomas / Maxase, Minenhle
Mattioda, Marco / Pillay, Renita / Morkel, Tamryn
Naidoo, Sashen / Sibaya, Xolo / Nompumza, Lwethu
Stander, Jade / Robins, James / Nompumza, Vuyiswa
Van Staden, Herman / Dean, Kendra / Stallard, Tessa
Van Onselen, Danielle
Moodley, Tamera
Van Wyk, Chené
Zulu, Thakasile
NSC Phase
Gr10 (Over 80%):
Ehlers, Anri / Gr11 (Over 75%):
Anselmo, Tayla / Gr12 (Over 75%):
Akhtar, Sana'a
Hunter, Jonathan / Augustine, Jenade / Benade, Hancke
Kunda, Chishala / Botha, Ernestu / Blendulf, Liesel
Mgwaba, Akhona / Cook, Amy / De Lange, Steven
Opperman, Jacques / De Villiers, Carmen / Du Toit, Suzanne
Prozesky, Micayla / Hanbury-King, Genevieve / Hansraj, Tayana
Pulido, Paula / Harvey, Joshua / Narrainsamy, Kreasan
Trezise, Thomas / Hlekwayo, Londeka / Nel, Emile
Hubble, Caroline / Pennefather, Emma
Johnson, Samantha / Thaver, Deshan
Mattison, Stacey / Van der Walt, Stefan
McGrath, Julia / Yngsdal, Wesley
McMurtry, Sarah
Michel, Nyasha
Muhwava, Melanie
Russell, Matthew
Smith, Zanrik
Sutherland, Megan
Van den Heever, Mauritz
Van der Walt, Kristien
Van Schalkwyk, Annuschka
Voysey, Caelia
Yngsdal, Corey
ACE Awards (Based on Term 2 marks)
Congratulations to the following students who qualified for ACE Bars.
The following criteria are used as a guideline, as it gives the students a goal that does not depend on their ranking in the grade.
Grade 7
82% Average – English*, Afrikaans, Social Sciences and Arts & Culture
OR
83% Average – Mathematics*, Technology and Natural Sciences
Grade 8
81% Average – English*, Afrikaans, Social Sciences and Arts & Culture
OR
82% Average – Mathematics*, Technology and Natural Sciences
Grade 9
80% Average – English*, Afrikaans, Social Sciences and Arts & Culture
OR
80% Average – Mathematics*, Technology and Natural Sciences
Grade 7Liam Deonarain
Illa Geyser
Jared Govender
David Groom
MarjaHarmse
Megan Johnstone
Marco Mattioda
SashenNaidoo
Jade Stander
Herman Van Staden / Grade 8
SameenAkhtar
Tom Davidson
Kendra Dean
Hilton Hoffman
Tessa Hubble
GüntherKelling
Tamera Moodley
RenithaPillay
Andres Pulido
James Robins
XoloSibaya
Thakazile Zulu / Grade 9
SamanAkhtar
Dian Dickson
AnélEsterhuyse
Micaela Forbes
NickielGovender
Sana Hashmi
MinenhleMaxase
Tammy Morkel
LwethuNompumza
VuyiswaNompumza
Tessa Stallard
Tristan Van der Merwe
Emily Volker
Inter-House Athletics
Congratulations to the following College athletes on their superb performances:
Junior Victor – Liam de Villiers 37 Points
Junior Victrix – ChenéPrinslooNicole Anderson 29 Points
Senior Victor – SizweMthembu 30 points
Senior Victrix – Emma Pennefather 37 points
The Spirit Trophy was won by Orioles.
The overall results were:
Trogons 796
Orioles 707
Bishops 694
Records broken on the day:
Liam deVilliers U14 High Jump
Emma Pennefather U19 Discus
Jason Myburgh U15 Shot Put
ChishalaKunda U16 Shot Put
Chené van Wyk U14 Javelin
Another Grantleigh cyclist doing us proud!
Tammy Morkel in Gr9 is also competing in the 25km Big 5 Races in the u16 age category.
Tammy’s results so far:
Race 1: Mtunzini 2nd place
Race 2: Eshowe 1st place
Race 3: Hluhluwe: 1st place
Well done, Tammy! We look forward to following your cycling achievements!
Rugby
Congratulations to Keagan Smith who has been selected to the final round of trials for the KZN U13 7’s Team.
REPORT BACK
My German Adventure….. by Julia McGrath
How does one begin to describe the best adventure of your life? The past month has been the most exciting one of my life. I took part in an FSA cultural exchange to Germany where I stayed with a wonderful family and attended 4 weeks of college in a German school.
My host family was absolutely incredible. I had twin host sisters, Franziska and Elisabeth and host parents, Katharina and Uli. They could speak English very well, so it was easy to communicate most of the time, and when there was something we really couldn’t describe through countless hand gestures we always had Google Translate! They were very kind and welcoming and they treated me like I was part of the family. They live in a town called Siegen which is in the West side of Germany about an hour away from Frankfurt.