Obligatory GRAMMYS Moments Checklist

Obligatory GRAMMYS Moments Checklist

PRESENTATIONS/ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES

  • Alternate Lord: Award winner/performer thanks a lord other than Jesus, such as Zeus or Poseidon
  • Bleep: First artist to get BLEEPED during presentation/performance
  • Curse: First artist to slip a curse word by the censors
  • Dubya: Great anti-GWB tirade
  • Dubya: Lame anti-GWB tirade
  • Foreign-language acceptance speech
  • Global Warming: Lame speech by airhead chanteuse attempting to "smart up" by referring to global warming
  • Heartland Rock Presenters: John Mellencamp/John Fogarty (alternate: Bob Seger/Kid Rock) joint presentation of some "heartland rock" award
  • Hollywood celebrity crossover moment (eg, Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy presenting an award for Best Comedy Recording by a mammal
  • Hook: First presenter given the hook for going on too long with acceptance speech
  • Ill-informed Presenter: First presenter who clearly doesn't know all the acts up for the category (forgivable mispronunciations by illiterates don't count)
  • Internet/downloading: Lame speech references to the Internet and its effect on the music industry -- extra points for tired jokes at Metallica or Al Gore's expense
  • Lord: Award winner/performer thanks the Lord
  • Presenter/award winner shout-out to James Brown
  • Suit: Appearance by "suit" carrying briefcase from sponsoring investment firm
  • Suit: Lame attempt to "fun up" the introduction of the accountants with the suitcases
  • Tears: First teary-eyed acceptance speech
  • Thank you: First artist who proclaims, “I have so many people to thank!”
  • Thank you: First artist who proclaims, “Oh my, I had no idea I would be called up here – I hope I can remember all those I’d like to thank!”
  • Trip: First person to trip getting up on stage
  • War: Performer who offers the most awkward and inelegant "I'm for the troops, but against the war" to court both liberals and conservatives
  • Wasted: First acceptance speech by wasted artist

PERFORMANCES

  • Billy Joel: Surprise Billy Joel performance of new song
  • Bowling pin alignment: Each time a Beyonce/Shakira/Jessica/J-Lo/Fergie of the night employs the bowling pin alignment dance arrangement: Big star in front, 2 dancers behind her, 3 dancers behind them forming a triangle of dancers all doing the same steps
  • Help: Will there be a singer who does not exhort the crowd to help them?
  • Holstering of prop guitar by lead singer
  • James Brown: All-star tribute to James Brown (led by Red Hot Chili Peppers and Sting)
  • Lip-synch malfunction
  • Marching band: Inclusion thereof
  • Robed choir: Artist joined, in mid-song, by a robed choir
  • Slash: Lame attempt to bridge the hip-hop/classic rock divide by deploying Slash somehow
  • Sting's slow-motion prance, long coat flapping as his knees kick up, during an instrumental break in "Walking on the Moon"
  • Turntable: Extraneous turntablist/scratcher

LOOK

  • Hot: First performer you now realize is hotter than you’d initially thought they were
  • Lionel Ritchie's too-close-cropped beard
  • New Look debut (eg, new hairdo, new facial hair, new boobs)
  • Not as Hot: First performer you now realize was probably never as hot as you thought they were
  • Over/Under on Stewart Copeland’s drums
  • Rock Hat: Drinking game suggestion: one shot/bong huff for each lame Rock Hat clearly deployed to cover up baldness
  • Wardrobe malfunction
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