HEADQUARTERS
KAGNEW STATION
APO 843, NY, NY
NOTICE OF RETURN
NOTICE IN SOLEMN WARNING, THIS ______DAY OF______195___.
TO THE FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS AND RELATIVES OF ______. LOCK YOUR DAUGHTERS IN THEIR ROOMS!
FILL THE ICE BOX WITH GOOD BEER. (THE GOOD STUFF, NOT 3.2)
GET THE CIVIES OUT OF MOTHBALLS.
Very soon now the above named will be once again in your midst, dehydrated, demoralized and demobilized, to take his place once again as a human being with freedom and justice for all; engage in live, liberty and the considerably delayed pursuit of happiness. In making your joyous preparation to welcome his back to organized society, you must make allowance for the brood environment which has been his miserable lot for ______months. In a word, he might be a little ASIATIC suffering form Eritreanitis or a little too much Melotti (or coffllatti).
Therefore, show no alarm if he prefers to squat on his hunches instead of on a chair, keep cool when he pours gravy on his dessert and mixes peaches and mashed potatoes together. Don’t worry if he insists on sleeping bare****ahem, in the nude. Be tolerant when he takes his mattress off the bed and puts it on the floor to sleep. Just smile knowingly when he smashes up the family car while driving down the left hand side of the busiest street in town. Think nothing of it when he shoots the family dog---it is only force of habit. Don’t let it shock you if, when he answers the phone he says “CHOW” instead of “hello” and instead of “goodbye” he says “ARRIVEADERCE”.
In a relatively short time he can be taught to speak English again, and it won’t cost much to fix the car. Never ask him why the boys down the street hold higher rank than he, and make no flattering remarks about the Air Force or the Navy, and above all never mention the Marine Corps in his presence. This man will go amuck if you mention “TRANSFER”, “RE-UPPING”, “TOUR-OF-DUTY”, or the “poor boys in Thule or Dhahran” with good reason.
For the first few months until he become housebroken, be especially watchful when he is in the company of women, particularly young and beautiful specimens. After months of seeing beautiful women woed by handsome men in the movies he thinks he is a master of the art himself. When in the company of women his intentions are sincere and heartfelt even though dishonorable. Never mention the word “BROWNGAGGER” or “dependent” when he is around, or he may run form the room screaming “BINGO, BINGO, BINGO”!!! Keep in mind that beneath his tanned and rugged exterior there beats a heart of gold. Treasure this; it will probably be the only thing of value he has left. Treat his with kindness, tolerance, and occasionally a fifth of good liquor and you will be able to re-habilitate that which is now the hollow shell of the happy civilian you once knew.
P.S. Be sure to get the women, kids and all normal drivers off the streets.
P.P.S. I’m heading home in ______days.
______
(in the flesh)