Notes on the Manipulative Child, by E

RandallThe Manipulative Child

Notes on The Manipulative Child, by E.W. Swihart Jr. & Patrick Cotter. New York: Macmillan, 1996.

Most of the children we treated found it difficult, if not impossible, to play by the rules in their lives. They were typically frightened, fearful, angry, and sullen. Rather than recognize their own failures, they blamed their failures on circumstance—or on others—instead of learning to accept responsibility for their lives. Their universal refrains were, “I can’t; I won’t; I don’t; it’s not fair; it’s not right; it’s not my fault.” For these sad, maladjusted children, failure is devastating. They often don’t get along with their parents, siblings, schoolmates, and teachers. When things get hard, they can usually be found asking others to correct the world for them (p. 16).

As we paid more attention to manipulative behavior, we realized that virtually every child with problems we studied was using manipulation as their primary problem-solving mechanism. . . . Some children used manipulation all the time, spending virtually every waking hour trying to influence and manage the behavior of others (p. 17).

Self-esteem is a dynamic, ever-changing set of beliefs about oneself. … Self-esteem cannot be given to someone, but the skills to build it can be taught. … Self-esteem is most apparent in individuals who have excellent knowledge of their own personal goals and values and live their lives in strict accordance with them. … People learn self-esteem by overcoming difficulty. … Self-esteem is built on the bedrock of many experiences that, taken together, prove our overall competence to accomplish what we set out to do. When we find the easy way out or accomplish our ends through someone else, we may feel relief or happiness for the moment, but our self-esteem suffers in the long run (pp. 17-18).

The manipulator has a keen awareness of what his target will avoid, and uses it as a ploy. Manipulation will not work if the person being manipulated will not avoid whatever the manipulator is trying to sidestep (p. 24).

When manipulations are not working, manipulators redouble their effort and often use cruder forms of manipulation to achieve their end (p. 26).

Every time someone shifts blame and responsibility, they acquire the mantle of a victim and, thereby, give up power over their own life. … Shifting blame and responsibility avoids the discomfort of dealing with the things that happen to us in our lives, and eliminates the possibility of learning from our mistakes and failures (p. 29).

We always warn people to expect that the child will try every tactic to defeat the parental agenda—from asking for a drink of water to throwing the worst temper-tantrum they’ve ever see. Children try to maintain their sense of control over the situation and its predictability, and not until they have exhausted every trick in the book will they stop trying (p. 36).

Parents who threaten their children to control behavior are themselves manipulating. These parents will be rewarded with countermanipulation from their children rather than compliance . . . Many parents try to manipulate their children to behave well: We see parents trying to control behavior by using incentives and promises, punishments and retribution, bargains and bribes, threats, and nagging. These tactics rarely succeed in producing desirable results, but often teach the child how to “play the game.” . . . Some experience with negotiation is very useful in life, but much of life is non-negotiable and being able to tell the difference is paramount to long-term success and happiness (pp. 38-39).

Procrastination should alert us to a subtle manipulation that can be devastating in the long term (p. 40).

When a person’s comfort in the world is vested in the ability to manipulate specific situations, he will strongly dislike and fear situations that he can’t control (p. 40).

Integrity describes a person whose behavior is largely consistent with their value system; manipulators do not have integrity because their value systems don’t reliably govern their behavior (p. 41).

Since manipulation is based on avoidance, the manipulator feels relief at the successful conclusion of his action. . . If the game has been unsuccessful, he will experience anger, anxiety, and vengefulness. . . He will amply demonstrate his intense displeasure, and he will redouble his manipulative efforts at the next opportunity. Since manipulators work through others to control the situations they face, they avoid any situation in which their control is challenged (p. 49).

What children learn when we reason with them about rules we’re trying to establish may be only that if they can reason around a rule, then the rule doesn’t apply to them (p. 60).

Children, like adults, own their own feelings and must learn to take responsibility for them. We can offer them comfort, solace, and support when appropriate, but if we fix their problems for them, we do them a great disservice. Children get ready to solve the big problems in life by learning to solve the little ones they face while growing up—and we mustn’t interfere (p. 61).

The values held by a family are the most essential piece to the childrearing puzzle—they are the only thing that provide guidance and ensure long-term consistency in childrearing. . . opportunity, convenience, feelings, desires, and public embarrassment never supersede family values (p. 73).

Family history, goals, and beliefs make up this identity, and it is celebrated and illustrated through family traditions and stories. The children in these families are proud of belonging; they go out into the world as representatives of their families and usually behave accordingly (p. 78-79).

Parenting techniques vary from family to family, but certain characteristics are common: Incentives and rewards are not used; deals are not made; threats are not used; negotiation is saved for the truly negotiable; punishment is not seen as helpful and is not the final ploy to try to get a child to behave; limits are defined nonpunitively, quickly, briefly, and without prior warnings or threats; once a limit is set, it is not dwelled upon further but is quickly and consistently reestablished whenever necessary. After misbehavior has been interrupted, the child is promptly welcomed back into the fold with no further ado. Any discussions about rules and limits tend to be rather one-sided—parents informing the child of the rule transgressed and the expectation they have for future behavior. The child is not invited to comment or, especially, to try to explain her behavior. Very little time is spent at this, strengthening its impact. . . It assumes that children must be trained to behave properly, that they will need continued input as they grow up and face new challenges, and that they will periodically retest limits (p. 81).

Dependent children will not learn self-reliance unless the adults they are manipulating weather the storm created when they suddenly start refusing to participate with their dependent and manipulative ways. . . The dependent child will make a career out of finding his way around rules and expectations placed upon him and, sadly, many adults will cooperate to avoid his distress and unhappiness. . . The child who has never been required to adapt often can’t (pp. 91-93).

Empowering assumptions: (pp. 118-120)

Children are innately and fundamentally competent

Children are tough, adaptable survivors

Children’s emotions are their own

By being supportive and comforting to your child, your behavior communicates that you care and understand. . . Viewing your child as a competent, emotionally independent person provides the opportunity for many experiences that teach the skills of adaptation to the world (pp. 122-123).

If you consistently react in a way that requires a child to deal with something he doesn’t want to face, then his attempts to manipulate around the situation will fade and finally disappear (p. 127).

Parents should never take lightly a child’s attempts to manipulate, although a light-hearted approach to the problem is almost always helpful. . . regard her attempts to manipulate as an opportunity for you to teach some of the things you’d like her to learn. . . Treat avoidance behavior as an opportunity for learning (p. 128).

HELP!(p. 129)

1. STOP your child’s behavior.

2. PAUSE until quiet

3. REDIRECT

The key life experiences that foster the development of self-esteem are those that present challenge (that is, experiences in which there is a clear risk of failure and a chance for success). . . People with self-esteem know they put forth their best effort, they met the challenge, they did the right thing, despite failure; and this keeps them going until they succeed. And they learn something else of immense, enduring personal value: They learn that they can survive failure. Manipulative behavior systematically destroys self-esteem. Both the dishonesty inherent in manipulative behavior and the dependence given rise to are incompatible with self-esteem (p. 167).

Parents, for instance, who talk long and hard (read: lecture) to their child about his unacceptable behavior may be sending the message, “You’re a bad person.” With repeated, prolonged attention paid to unacceptable behavior in this way, the message gets through. It is much better to stop unacceptable behavior immediately. Wait for the child to compose himself, quickly redirect, and go on with life as if nothing happened. Children are children; they need training, not retribution, reasoning, or rationalization. The less time spent on misbehavior, the better (p. 169).

It is our job to support children when they are struggling with a difficult task, be understanding of their emotional flip-flops along the way, refuse to bail them out and, finally, celebrate their eventual successes with them: “All right! I knew you could do it!” (p. 171)

Failure is essential to the development of self-esteem and independence. Failure tells us what we need to work on, helps us correct what we do, and tells us that we’re up against difficulties worthy of our continued effort. Self-esteem cannot really endure without considerable experience in surviving failure, especially if several failures lead to appropriate practice, changes, and eventual success. Effective parents will allow their children to fail, supporting them through recovery and opposing those who see failure as dangerous and the concomitant emotions as toxic. Standing by your children when they are struggling isn’t easy. The temptation to jump in and solve the problem for your child is sometimes almost unbearable. . . While this serves to relieve the misery of the moment, it removes the opportunity to build self-esteem (pp. 175-176).

If you can set limits persistently and consistently, and if the limits you set are value-guided, you give your child the opportunity to learn self-fulfillment. If your attention is focused on adaptive, appropriate, and wanted behavior and you merely interrupt undesirable, maladaptive behavior, you are teaching your child the necessities for a successful life. . . When you teach your child that there are rules he must follow, values he must heed, you are giving him irreplaceable lessons in life that will allow him to participate independently in the many new situations to come in his future (pp. 184-185).

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