From: Seattlepi.com

No escape from 'helicopter parents'
Constant hovering can kick up a cloud of troubles

By FELIX CARROLL
ALBANY TIMES UNION

Excuse me, but you're hovering. You realize that, right?

The media, pediatricians, psychologists and even the college dean, they've all got you figured out -- or so they say. They're calling you a helicopter parent. Get it? Because you hover?

You're a baby boomer, right? OK, then. Listen up, because this is what they're saying about you:

Guillermo Munro/P-I

You're too obsessed with your children. You treat them like little princes and princesses -- like they're No. 1, like they're MVPs. You've painstakingly planned their lives from their first play date to their first day of college.

They're your little Renaissance kids. You shuttle them from soccer practice, to clarinet lessons, to karate, and -- because they will be going to a great college -- to SAT prep class. Whoops! Speaking of which: You're late.

You inflate their egos. You give them graduation ceremonies even when it's just from preschool. You give them a trophy at the end of the season even when they lose. And by the time they get to college and are asked who their hero is, your child will say those words you long to hear: My dad. My mom.

Yes, helicopter parent, your intentions are good, but that rotor of yours is causing a din. Bring her down to terra firma. Let's talk.

A report on "60 Minutes" last fall discussed how the so-called echo boomers -- the children of baby boomers, who were born between 1982 and 1995 -- are "over-managed" and "very pressured" and treated by their parents as pieces of "Baccarat crystal or something that could somehow shatter at any point."

Indeed, Mel Levine, a professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina Medical School in Chapel Hill, says today's children "may well shatter."

He thinks children are being coddled and protected to a degree that threatens their ability later in life to strike off on their own and form healthy relationships and proper job skills.

"These parents are trying to create a really terrific statue of a child rather than a child," says Levine, author of "Ready or Not, Here Comes Life" (Simon and Schuster, 2005).

Beverly Low, dean of the first-year class at Colgate University, says that where before parents would drop their kids off to college and get out of the way, parents now constantly call her office intervening in a roommate dispute or questioning a professor's grading system.

"A lot of our students tell us, 'Hey, my mom is my best friend. My father is my best friend.' Is that a good thing? It's a different thing," she says.

But why is it happening? Mary Elizabeth Hughes, a sociologist at Duke University, says helicopter parenting may be an outward sign of economic anxiety, particularly when parents consider the uncertain job market that may await their children.

"They're very concerned that their kids do very well and excel at a lot of things as a result," she says.

Hughes says such parenting may reflect generational changes as well.

Many baby boomer parents came of age during the turbulent '60s where they couldn't help but experience social change and respond by creating new lifestyles including new forms of parenting.

Mark and Cathy Gamsjager of Greenville, N.Y., are annoyed by parents who turn their loving into hovering. But baby boomers, as a whole, may not be getting the credit they deserve, they say, particularly for some of the improvements they've brought to parenthood.

Mark Gamsjager, 42, fronts the rockabilly band The Lustre Kings. He skateboards and snowboards with his two boys, Austin, 13, and Thomas, 9.

They have a great relationship and have lots to talk about, he says.

But he's still their dad.

"I think there's got to be a line, you know?" he says. "You still have got to be the tough guy."

Indeed, the Gamsjagers say they try to take the best aspects of their parents -- emphasizing education, independence and discipline -- while improving upon their parents' shortcomings.

"I think parents make much more of an effort to be with their kids," says Cathy Gamsjager. "It seems to me that we've gotten away from everybody being an authoritarian. Not that we don't have authority over our kids, but there's more honesty. You spend more time actually talking to your kids about real things."

But being open and honest doesn't mean being a pushover, she says. "I'm not my kids' best friend," she says. "I'm their mom. I love being their mom, and I love being fun, but in the end I totally get that I'm responsible for helping them make good choices. I'm responsible for where their lives head. I can enjoy them, but no, I can't be their friend."

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From: CNN

How to ground a 'helicopter parent'

  • Story Highlights
  • "Helicopter parents" hover over kids, micromanaging every aspect of their lives
  • Approach doesn't help teens develop decision-making skills, counselor says
  • Professor: Too much hovering can backfire and shut down communication
  • Parents need to instill sense of personal responsibility, psychologist says

(CNN) -- We all see them and swear we're not one of those so-called "helicopter parents" who hover over their kids, micromanaging every aspect of their lives.

If a parent becomes so involved they can't let go, it becomes embarrassing for a child, professor says.

They fly into school in attack mode ready to confront the teacher or coach for "unfair" treatment of their kids.

They obsess over teacher assignments.

Some demand that their child be moved to another class before the school year has even begun.

As parents, it's perfectly natural to want to advocate for and protect your child. But how far is too far?

Rich Barbara recently retired after 30 years as a high school counselor in New Fairfield, Connecticut.

He applauds parental involvement and wishes there were more of it at the high school level, pointing out that some good changes come about as a result. At his school, for example, more Advanced Placement courses were offered as a result of parental requests.

But he's also seen his share of helicopter parents. Barbara has had parents come to his office to pick up SAT applications for kids who weren't planning to go to college. He had seen parents show up in the guidance counselor's office with college applications that they have filled out for their kids.

One problem with this approach, says Barbara, is that it doesn't help teens develop their own decision-making skills. Before students picked up the phone to call Mom after something happened at school, he'd encourage them to consider questions such as "What's the good and the bad that can come from this?" and "What are my options in this situation?"

"It gives students confidence when they can solve problems themselves," said Barbara.

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Dr. Ken Haller, associate professor of pediatrics at Saint Louis University School of Medicine, agrees that parents should help kids learn to make their own decisions.

"If a parent becomes so enmeshed in the child's life that they can't let go, it becomes embarrassing for the child."

According to Haller, around middle school, it's part of children's natural development to identify more with peer group. If they're constantly going back to Mom and Dad to make all the decisions, this process becomes more difficult. And if a child is always asking for help, Haller advises parents to reassess how they have been responding to the child's requests.

When a parent hovers too much, it can backfire and shut down communication.

Haller offers an example: If the student fails a biology test and the parent marches up to school to protest the grade, there may be an underlying issue that's not being addressed. A parent-child discussion might reveal that even though the child has the academic ability to earn an "A" in biology, she's not interested in the subject and wants to be an artist. But if this discussion never takes place, the child feels like a failure and a lot of anger is generated between parent and teacher, making the situation even more stressful.

This isn't to say kids need only to do well in subjects they like, but it illustrates a missed opportunity for productive parent-child dialogues about unpleasant tasks and career interests.

Dr. Nancy Weisman, a licensed clinical psychologist in Marietta, Georgia, says that clear communication between parent and child is vital. When she talks about helicopter parents, she cites examples of those who rush up to school with forgotten homework and lunch money each time the child needs it. Some kids, she says, feel a sense of entitlement to be taken care of this way when they drop the ball.

Weisman tells parents to be aware of this sense of entitlement and instill in its place a sense of personal responsibility. Parents should clearly communicate that they are not going to step in every time a child thinks he needs it.

"It's important for kids to know they're not going to be rescued," Weisman said.

One behavior parents should want to model for their kids is how to deal with powerful people. "If you go in and try to bully them, you give the kid the message that the only way you'll get things is to be confrontational and adversarial," said Haller. He points out that much more can be learned by teaching kids the value of negotiation.

Haller says that the most important thing a parent can do is listen. "Listen to your kids, but listen to the other adults in your kid's life who are important: The teacher, the coach, the dance instructor." If the child is complaining about being treated unfairly, instead of storming into a meeting and demanding answers, listen to the other adult's side first.

Haller encourages conversations between parents and their kids to help decide what battles to fight and which ones to talk through. He advises parents to ask questions like, "What was on the test?" "Did you ask other kids in the class if they thought the material was covered adequately?" and "What do you think we should do about this?"

But there are times, says Haller, when the best action is inaction. "Sometimes," said Haller, "the kid just wants to vent about it."

helicopter.parents/index.html

From: PSFK (Australia) October 21, 2008

Move Over Helicopter Parents, Slacker Parents are Coming

by Dan Gould

We’ve witness the propagation of the creature known as the helicopter parent - doting care givers that just can’t stay out of their children’s business. Whether it’s meticulously scheduling their kids time, cyber-stalking summer camp antics or getting over involved with older kids job hunting, these alpha parents take child rearing to obsessive new levels.

Lisa Belkin at The New York Times has a smart view of the situation. She views this parenting style as part of a logical cycle where the previous generation’s faults fuels and defines the current generation’s style. And to the relief of kids, teachers and potential employers everywhere, she sees the “slacker parent” on the rise.

Parenting is generational. The Boomers (now in their 50s and 60s) were busy blazing trails and making money. So Gen X (now in their 30s and 40s) went a little overboard to make up for the attention they didn’t get from parents who were never home. (Or, at least, they thought that’s what they were doing. That created a new kind of stress in the process has become all too clear.)

Now enter Gen Y. The oldest of them are in their late 20s, and are just starting to have children. Like every generation they will aim to do exactly the opposite of what their parents did. And while there are certainly still “Alpha Moms” out there, the women who proudly see themselves as “Slacker Moms” are apparently growing.
…

I predict the ascendancy of the Slacker parent over the next few years. Alpha parenting is not only tiring, it is can backfire, raising what some call the T-Ball generation, where everyone swings until they get a hit, everyone gets a trophy, and no one learns what it means to be disappointed. (Gen Y knows the risks well; they are that generation.) The economy will also help to tamp down the Alpha Moms in the near future (a speck of a silver lining).

New York Times: “America and the Alpha Mom”

(image by Greg Williams)