“My WHAT for Dinner?!”
a Lakota tale from White River, SD
Iktomi, the wicked spider man, and Coyote, are two no-good loafers. They lie, they steal, they are greedy, and they are always after women. Maybe because they are so very much alike, they are friends, except when they try to trick each other.
One day Iktomi invited Coyote to dinner at his lodge. Iktomi told his old wife “Old Women, here are two fine, big buffalo livers for my friend Coyote and myself. Fry them up nice and crispy, the way I like them, and get some wild turnips on the side, and afterwards, serve us some berry soup, use chokecherries for that. Coyote always likes something sweet after his meal.”
“Is that all?” asked his old wife,
“I guess so; I can’t think of anything else,” said Iktomi
“There’s no third liver for me?” asked the old woman.
“Oh, well, you can have whatever’s left after Coyote and I have eaten,” said Iktomi. “Well, I’m going out for awhile; maybe I can catch a fine plump duck, too. Coyote always likes to stuff himself, so the liver may not be enough for him. But you watch this friend of mine; don’t let him stick his hands under your robe; you know he likes to do that. Well, I’m going. Have everything ready when I come back. Coyote doesn’t like to wait.
Iktomi left, and his old woman got busy cooking. “I know who’s always stuffing himself,” she thought. “I know whose hands are always busy under some girl’s robe. I know who can’t wait – it’s that lazy no-good husband of mine!”
The fried livers smelled so wonderful that the old wife said to herself “Those greedy, stingy, overbearing men! I know them; they’ll feast on those fine livers, and all they’ll leave for me is a few turnips. They have no consideration for a poor old woman. Oh, that liver looks good, and it smells good, too. I bet it tastes good. Maybe I’ll try a piece, just a little pieces, so they won’t notice.”
So the old wife tasted a bit of the liver, then another one, and another, and in no time at all, the whole liver was gone. “I might as well eat the other one, too,” said the old wife, and she did.
“What will I do now?” she wondered. “When Iktomi finds out, he’ll probably beat me. But that was so tasty, it was worth it!”
Just then Coyote arrived. He had dressed himself up in a fine beaded outfit with fringed sleeves. “Where is my good friend Iktomi?” he asked. “What’s he up to? Probably no good.”
“How are you, my friend,” said the old woman, “my husband Iktomi is out taking care of some business. He’ll be back soon. Have a seat, get comfortable.”
“Out on business! Is that so?” said Coyote, quickly sticking his hand under the old woman’s robe.
“Iktomi told me you’d do that,” said the old wife, “he told me I shouldn’t let you.”
“Oh, Iktomi and I are such good friends, we share everything, “ Coyote joked, as he tickled the old woman under her chin and tickled her under her arms, and pretty soon they were…well…you know!
“Maybe we should be quick about this,” said Iktomi’s old wife, “Iktomi will be home soon.”
“I don’t think he’d mind so much,” said Coyote, “since we are such good friends.”
“I think he would mind,” said the old woman, “you’d better stop now.”
“Well, all right. It sure smells good in here, but I don’t see any meat cooking, just some turnips. Meat is what I like,” said Coyote.
“And meat is what you’ll get. I see this is the first time you have come here for dinner; otherwise you’d know what you’ll get. We always serve a guest the same thing. Everybody like it,” said the old woman.
“Is it really good?”
“It’s more than that! It’s really, really good!”
Coyote smacked his lips, his mouth watering. “I can’t wait! What is it? Tell me!”
“Why, it’s your stones, your nuts, your eggs, your BALLS! We always have the balls of our guests for dinner.”
“WHAT?! This must be a joke! A very bad joke!” cried Coyote.
“It’s no joke at all,” said the old woman, “and I’d better cut them off right now with my big skinning knife, because it’s getting late. And there I was, fooling around with you instead of doing my cooking. I’ll do it right now; drop your breechcloth. You won’t feel a thing – I do this fast, and I’ve had lots of practice.”
“Wait! Wait just a minute!” said Coyote, “let me go outside and make water. I’ll be right back,” and saying this, he ran out of lodge. But he didn’t come back. He ran and ran as fast as his feet would carry him.
Just then, Iktomi came back, without any ducks; he had caught nothing. He saw Coyote running away and asked “Old Woman, what’s the matter with that crazy friend of mine? Why is he running off like that?”
“Your friend is very greedy,” said his old wife, “he doesn’t have the sharing spirit. Never invite him again. He has no manners. He doesn’t know how to behave. He saw those two fine buffalo livers, which I fried up nice and crispy the way you like them, and he didn’t want to share them with you. He grabbed them both and ran off with them. Some friend he is!”
Iktomi rushed out of the lodge in a frenzy, running after Coyote as fast as he could, shouting “Coyote! Kola! Leave me at least one! Leave one for me, your old friend Iktomi!”
But Coyote didn’t stop. He ran even faster. Running, running, he looked back over his shoulder and shouted “Cousin, if you can catch me, you can have them both!”